UC delima (how to tell family & friends) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 6 Old 04-15-2002, 09:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my partner and i have decided to have our baby at home, unassisted. this was something that that we originally wanted to do but because of pressure (or i guess it was maybe just extreme concern) from family and friends we decided to go with a midwife. then, for personal reasons on our midwife's part she dumped us and haven't been able to find another in our area, that will do homebirths(we seem to be just a little too far for them to come out to us). we are taking this as a true "sign" that our original decision was the right one. so, feeling comfortable with our abilities in bringing a child into the world, we are "studying" up and feel that we have finally made the right decision.

however...because of family & friend's feelings about homebirth in general we still have not told anyone that we have lost our midwife and are going to birth without a "professional". i don't feel right not telling them, especially when they ask questions about the midwife & the birth...i KNOW i am lying & feel guilty misleading them. it's so difficult to imagine dealing with the borage of "i can't believe you would be so irresponsible" that i know will be coming when we do tell them. i always feel (especially with something that i feel passionately about) that i have to justify my decision. but, a lot of the time i JUST KNOW it's right and can't remember the reasoning behind it, especially when i feel pressured to come up with the justification. is any of this making sense?

i know this is a moral issue (to lie or not to lie) and i'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do, but i sure would like to know how other ucers dealt with family & friends. any suggestions?

thanks! homesteader

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#2 of 6 Old 04-16-2002, 01:40 PM
 
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I know what you mean. We are also planning a UC (anytime now!!!) and most of the family is unsupportive and most of my friends/acquaintences would have a coronary if they knew. And I don't lie. I just don't--I'm horrible at it, I feel horrible doing it, and I think it's wrong. But I also think it's wrong to expose myself to other people's fears and negativity. I wouldn't expose myself to things I know are physically toxic while pregnant, and I won't do the same with emotional/mental toxic thoughts and attitudes.

Luckily, most people haven't asked much until now, when I'm obviously very close. So, I've started telling people that we aren't discussing it. I explain a bit about how I don't want my preconceptions and any possible fears to get in the way of the birth, so we've chosen not to discuss the details of the birth for these last few weeks. And I ususally add that I'll give a full report after the fact. People are generally responsive to this--surprisingly. I make it sound like I understand they are trying to be supportive but that right now, my needs are coming first and I need to not discuss this.
Also, I think most people have a pretty fearful understanding of birth and they somehow feel like they are helping me by not scaring me. And I think most people need to be educated about what topics are appropriate--I think it's the height of rudeness to be telling a pregnant lady about how horrible birth is--we should not have to hear about their misconceptions.

Immediate family and my closest friends do know about our plans. I'm sure there will be some people who will be surprised and a bit shocked when they find out the details later and realize we never told. But I'll deal with that then. I'm not lying now, I'm not even evading--I'm telling them I'm not telling them and my reasons for not telling them are truthful.

Hope you find a way that works for you. Violet
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#3 of 6 Old 04-16-2002, 02:52 PM
 
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I had a homebirth with a midwife and if anyone had any negative opinions of it they were too scared of me to bring it up. There is one thing I did find myself saying a lot towards the end of my pregnancy that might help you. "Honestly Sue, I feel like all I talk about anymore is pregnancy and birth. Can we talk about something else? What's knew with your job transfer?" (or whatever...) Most people seemed to get it. The few who don't you can handle on a case by case basis, but it might buy you a little breathing room. Best of luck with your joyous occasion!
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#4 of 6 Old 04-16-2002, 06:45 PM
 
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I ended up telling my mom, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and brother. They told their spouses (except my dad, whom we all agreed should not know.) We discussed it at some length so that they understood that I was not making the decision lightly. I was fortunate enough, also, that my close friends were all people who either supported me in doing it, or who at least respected the decision.

I would have lied, though, absolutely, if I felt there was any risk of someone attempting to interfere.
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#5 of 6 Old 04-24-2002, 01:44 AM
 
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this is a hard one. people knew what we were doing but i had a hard time w/my own mom. she's a RN and I knew she'd be worried. (and she was) but I didn't tell her, she just kind of guessed. then she sat on it for a long time and had a emotional (for her) outburst close to the end. asking us if we knew what the costs could be, etc. this was really hard but I felt like i didn't want to lie so just evaded for as long as possible and then when she asked, i told her. and explained why. she never accepted it but said she felt like she had to say something or she wouldn't be able to live w/herself if something catastrophic would've happened. I'll admit, this was very very hard to worry her so but i didn't see an alternative. :
we weren't going to call her when in labor so she wouldn't stress but she was going to come for a visit on the day ds was born so we had to call her! :
all i can tell you is that i'm not a good lier either and i just muddled my way through it. IT was tough, but you 've gotta do whatcha gotta do. it's hard cuz you know it is really hard for some people to understand the logic behind it and they are just worried cuz they care about you. I often thought of a quote (maybe maya angelou?) that all you can do is tell your truth in love and that is where your responsibility ends. it's up to the other people how they react. I guess it helped cuz i felt really strongly about this and ultimately knew i couldn't control other's reactions. luckily we had few negative ones (to our face!! LOL)
another thing i can add is, it was worth it!!! ds's birth was one of the most awesome days of our families life!!!
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#6 of 6 Old 04-24-2002, 06:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all of your different responses. i have in the mean-time told my cousin, who is in the healthcare field. it wasn't as difficult as i thought but i think that she did her part to try not to put the stress on me about it. she expressed her concerns but could tell that we had thought it through & made up our minds. my mother hasn't asked about the midwife lately and i've decided that i'm not going to offer up the info until she mentions it and then i'll tell her. violet is right about the negativity & i thought about that a lot. i almost felt like the stress of thinking about the negativity of lying was getting to be worse than the lying itself.

just 6 more weeks, or so to go...thanks for all of your help! homesteader

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