DH is STILL not on board (rant and plea for help) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I swear, I've done everything I can to convince him.

We've watched every pro-homebirth film and documentary I could find.
I have gotten every book out of the library I could think of, read them out loud, marked chapters for him to read.
I've dragged him to Home Birth meetings,
we've met with midwives,
everything.

I won't say it's had no effect. For one thing, he has come around to be nearly as passionate as I am about natural childbirth. He is dedicated to avoiding interventions with our birth unless there is a serious medical need. He even (finally) understands why a doula is a good idea.

But,
he is completely unwilling, still, to accept that a home birth is a safe or acceptable option for us. He's terrified of some unknown crisis happening in labor. He's convinced that I'm just suffering from a phobia of hospitals that I need to "get over" in order to have a safe, natural birth there. I wrote up four pages of careful argumentation explaining all of my reasons for wanting a home birth rather than a hospital birth. None of it seems to be enough to convince him that it's worth - in his mind - sacrificing safety.

And yes, he's read all the same studies, all the same statistics about the safety of homebirth. He picks every one of them apart, saying that the studies are useless because of this detail or that detail, that they're inconclusive, etc. etc. He just returns to the "what if" scenarios, and they're too much for him to bear. My "what if" scenarios for the hospital, he dismisses, saying that with a good birth plan/good doctor/sympathetic nurses, none of those would happen. (And he's convinced, of course, that we're going to enter a hospital with an absolutely optimal combination of all three.)

It isn't even that he's against homebirth in general (His newest thing is to beg me, "can't you just wait for the next baby, so we know what we're doing?"). He just thinks that this time, because we've had so much tension and fear around the whole question, that we should just "give in" and go the hospital because somehow, everything will be easier and more comfortable there.

We have finally agreed to see an OB - for his sake - and a HB midwife - for my sake - for co-care of this pregnancy. But at every turn, there is tension and anger from him about the decision to hire the midwives. I kept thinking it would go away, that he would get used to the idea, that their manner and gentleness would convince him. Nothing.

It isn't that my OB is awful - he's actually been pretty supportive of what we want, and has even said he'll provide backup care for our homebirth. (Quietly, of course.) But, he's still as interventionist - he has a 29% C-section rate, for example - and he is definitely limited by the fairly severe rules of our local hospital. Besides, he's one of 9 docs in the practice, so who knows who we'd actually get if we walked in the door of the hospital in labor. And my 5-minute visits with him don't even compare to the level of care I'm receiving from the midwives.

There are so many reasons why I want to birth at home rather than in the hospital - and I feel like my fear of the hospital is founded in solid reasons that have good support, it's not a phobia!!! But he can't hear me when I say that. He just keeps repeating, "the home birth people always say that the couple should agree on a home birth before deciding to do it. We don't agree on this; I can't be comfortable with it. Therefore, we should go to the hospital. Even they say so."

I have said that I don't believe I can labor or birth effectively in a hospital environment; he dismisses that fear as a "phobia," says that I can "change my thinking", and insists that with a good birth plan, we'll have exactly the birth we want. I am absolutely sure that he is wrong. But how do I continue to plan for a home birth with a man who is so dead-set against it?

I don't know how to give up my dream of the birth I want for this baby... and I suspect I will resent him if I give this up for his sake. Plus, I have genuine and serious concerns with the hospital and its policies, concerns that a birth plan and sympathetic doc will not be able to make disappear. But if I go ahead with the homebirth plan against his wishes, this anger and tension and fear will go along right into our birth, and I'm terribly afraid of what will happen.

I am absolutely beside myself; I don't know what to do now. I have nothing left, there are no more tools in my toolbox to convince him. We're at an absolute impasse, and every day I wake up cringing inside because I'm afraid the argument will start up again before we go to work. It is tearing apart our marriage and my life. I can't focus on anything else, and I'm afraid that at this point the constant strain is affecting the baby, too.

What do I do now?

I'm traveling the world with my kids without ever leaving home and blogging about it -- watch, taste, and share our adventures at TheGlobalStayCation.com!
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#2 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 01:47 PM
 
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I know it's harsh, but it's your body and where you feel safest is where you should birth. You know that birth is normal and mainly safe. I would let my DH be pissed off and tell him he doesn't have to participate if HB is what I really wanted. It's your body. Follow your instincts.

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#3 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 01:53 PM
 
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If all of the scientific studies about the safety of home birth don't register with him, it sounds like HE is the one with the irrational fear/phobia.

And the one with evidence on her side (not to mention the one who will be birthing the baby) should get the tiebreaker vote if all he has left is his irrational fear.

ETA: In my mind, home is the default, and you go to the hospital for a REASON. Your husband seems to have it backwards, thinking you must have some overwhelming reason to be allowed to birth at home. And what would make it safe for the 2nd baby but not safe for the first? I just don't buy his "argument." Probably because it has nothing to do with logic.

Melissa, wife to Brian, mommy to my home born, breastfeeding, sling-riding, sleep sharing, cloth diapered, intact kiddos Adam 11/09 and Leah 8/12.

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#4 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 01:57 PM
 
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Your husband is not the one who has to labor and birth this child. He is not the one who is at risk to having a c-section because of inflexible hospital policy. His fear is making him infantile. A couple certainly does not have to agree on homebirth to have one. It's sad, but I think you should ask him to make other plans for when you are giving birth, naturally at home.

When it comes down to it this is your choice alone.
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#5 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:05 PM
 
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Oh, mama. Oh, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you.

From reading your post, it's obvious to me that you have put so much effort, patience, love, and factual research into this situation. You've done your 'due diligence' in trying to get your husband to support your birth choice. I am so sorry that he is not on board.

I can only tell you what I would do: I would (as lovingly as possible) say "Darling, when you are going to push a baby out of your body, you can choose to birth where you feel most comfortable." And then get progressively more firm with my wording and stance.

My DH would probably have been less supportive of my desire to have a homebirth with our second baby had he not seen the horrific trauma of our first hospital birth. I will never willingly birth in a hospital again, and I told him so. He knew that I meant it (and he also knew how stubborn I was) so he went along. . . grudgingly, at first. Then he met our midwife, saw how amazing she was, and the rest is history! But every person and every marriage is different as we all know.

Does your husband come with you to all the prenatal appointments, both with your OB and with your homebirth midwives? I personally would absolutely insist on this----so he can see firsthand how different the care is. If he is going to have an opinion on where the baby is born, IMO he should be there for every appointment too!

What do your midwives say about his reticence? Has he expressed his concerns about that nebulous "something going wrong" to the midwives so they can talk *very specifically* about how they handle variations or emergencies? And you mentioned that he's been to homebirth meetings---has he spoken to other partners specifically about his reluctance so he can hear their own experiences?

Would he consider seeing a therapist or counselor with you to discuss this? I DO NOT think that you should have to compromise on the kind of birth that you deserve because your DH is afraid.

Hugs, mama. Be strong and don't give up! You have lots of support here. We are all pulling for you!

Jen

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#6 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:07 PM
 
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Insist he specify his fears. Write down each thing he is concerned about. If he's that insistent, he MUST be able to name why.

Then get Henci Goer's Obstetric Myth vs. Research Reality and go over each of his concerns.

And yeah- you're the one birthing- you hold the site veto.

-Angela
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#7 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:11 PM
 
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I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that your husband's feelings are just as valid as your own. Yes, you are the one giving birth, but it is HIS child just as much as yours, and you shouldn't dismiss his concerns.

There are valid reasons for wanting and not wanting a home birth. Could you guys compromise and try and find a birth center?

Its precisely BECAUSE I am the one pregnant, birthing, and nursing the baby that I take my husband's concerns and considerations into account. I'm in control of the majority of all of this. I want him to be just as big a part of this journey as I myself am, and if I'm dismissing his concerns because he isn't the one giving birth? That's not a good attitude to project.

Its perfectly possible to have a natural safe birth in a hospital. There are worst case scenarios in every side of this. There are terrible things that have happened to women birthing in a hospital. There are terrible things that have happened to women birthing at home. There is inherent risk to pregnancy and birth, and its up to both partners to assess these and choose the best course...for BOTH of them.

My advice would be to not dig in your heels and further alienate your partner. Keep an open mind, and open dialog going. Really, you don't have to decide for a while, right?

Birth is unpredictable. If you get too caught up in the 'perfect' birth or a certain birth plan, especially with your first, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I've seen too many first time moms with unrealistic expectations of how they'll react to something they've never experienced. All the reading and research in the world won't give you the first hand experience you need in order to predict how you'll tolerate and deal with something.

Birth is such a short process in the grand scheme of things. You are responsible to this child forever. How you bring them into the world is important, but not nearly as important as the years following it. Try and stay focused on the ultimate goal...a healthy baby, a healthy Mama, and a happy family. :

Nicole - Mom to FOUR healthy, happy, wild boys.
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#8 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:12 PM
 
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I agree with the other responses you have gotten. If my husband was upset that I was planning a homebirth even after doing research on it then I would chalk it up to him having irrational fears. I would sit him down and calmly tell him that even though we are partners in life, and will be partners as parents, unfortunatley I am the one who alone has to go through the labor and birth process and since mother nature made it that way, my choices and my decisions have to come first. I would then explain that I will be giving birth at home because that is where I feel most comfortable and know that is the best choice for my body and the baby. If he does not want to participate he has that right but you hope that he will find it in his heart, because he loves you, to come to terms with this and be supportive.
And then I would stop seeing the OB.

Good luck to you,
Lisa
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#9 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:18 PM
 
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I know my opinion isn't popular but I would think long and hard about birthing at home despite your husband's worries. (Do I agree with his concern? no... but that isn't the point). if you guys are in this as a team, even if you completely disagree, it would surely take a toll on your relationship to put him in a place where he has no say. Granted it may be your "right" to birth where ever you choose. BUT, on the other hand, the rest of your life (that day aside) you are a couple.

I'm not saying what you shuld do... that's complicated. but i wouldn't just strike up the attitiude of "my way of the hwy buddy" if you're hoping to have a good relationsip every other day of the year.

depending on how far along you are... maybe you could just give it some more time. or think of something that would work better for both of you. what about a birthing center? (though I would understand if that didn't work for you). or making a deal on which things you would transfer to a hosptal for in the case of an emergency. (like "if x, y or z happens we both agree to transfer" ). and you can still register at the hospital and so forth so that if you need to transfer you, it would be a quick transfer.

when it comes down to it, some people aren't statistical people. they just aren't. when it comes down to it, if something happened to you or baby maybe he knows it would be of no comfort to him to say "oh well, atleast the statistics were in our favor and we made the best choice!" ykwim?

I'm a HUGE UC advocate... so don't misunderstand me. but my first birth my husband was a nervous terrible wreck. and now? how he isn't... at all. he's catching this baby. we've come along way. but looking back I realize how scared he was. he didn't mean to be scared, he just was.

whatever you decide, and whatever place you decide to birth, I encourage you to try to find a way to meet his needs while meeting yours.... as best as you can. (I know, tall order!!)

transtichel.gifMom of three - (2.5 yrs, 7yrs, and 11yrs). Birthing Doula, editor, and wife to my soulmate. I've had a c/s, hospital VBAC, UC and not yet decided what I'll do about this next little one

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#10 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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My advice would be to not dig in your heels and further alienate your partner.
But it is ok for her husband to force her to give birth in a setting she absolutly does not want to go to? Do you think it is ok for her husband to continue to try and alienate her when this is the time he needs to be 100% supportive of the decisions she makes, regardless of his fears? I am sorry but until the husband can carry and birth the baby it is wrong of him to force his wife to give birth in the setting HE feels most comfortable in. Yes, having a healthy mother and baby is important, but what is even more important is having a mother's emotional and mental health intact.

Lisa
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#11 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:23 PM
 
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Yep, your choice and frankly, your dh is being really stubborn and unreasonable. You may want to have a very frank and honest conversation with him about how your relationship could be damaged if you are forced into a hospital birth against your will. I think the underlying resentment you may have if you end up having unnecessary interventions will really eat at your relationship. You may be at a greater risk for postpartum depression if you are forced to birth in a way that you are not happy with. It's not worth it to concede to his comfort level when he is not the one who will be effected by the decision.

You are the one who has to birth the baby. His job is to be supportive and to be there for you emotionally and physically. He needs to understand that this isn't about him or about his needs. This is about YOU and YOUR needs and in this situation his are very low on the priority list.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. THIS IS YOUR BODY, not your husbands. He needs to get on board or shut up, IMO.

Do you have a birthing center near you at all? That would be the only compromise that I could come up with if I were in your situation.
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#12 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:25 PM
 
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But it is ok for her husband to force her to give birth in a setting she absolutly does not want to go to? Do you think it is ok for her husband to continue to try and alienate her when this is the time he needs to be 100% supportive of the decisions she makes, regardless of his fears? I am sorry but until the husband can carry and birth the baby it is wrong of him to force his wife to give birth in the setting HE feels most comfortable in. Yes, having a healthy mother and baby is important, but what is even more important is having a mother's emotional and mental health intact.

Lisa
It sounds to me like he's been just as respectful as she has, has watched the movies, gone to the midwives, read the articles, and just doesn't agree. He's not forcing her to do anything. He's asking her to consider HIS feelings as well.

We, as mothers, tend to focus more on the life we have inside us. We want, overall, a healthy baby. That's why we strive to have healthy pregnancies, we want a birth that we feel is the least invasive, the safest for the baby. Well, as fathers, while their main concern is their child, they are also concerned for the woman that they married. We don't really have that self-preservation thing going on during pregnancy. Well, at least I don't. I'm geared primarily towards keeping the baby safe.

Fathers go through a whole different range of emotions than mothers. He not only is concerned that the baby arrive healthy, but the mom too! That's a scary thing for them, especially before going through it personally.

A mother's emotional and mental health shouldn't be determined by WHERE she gives birth. I think people, in general, but especially on this board, put WAY too much emphasis on an event that is one, maybe several days out of a lifetime! Yes, birth is a special and momentous occurrence, its an amazing experience that we will never forget. It isn't MORE important than my marriage though and my relationship with the man that helped create this baby I'm carrying.

Nicole - Mom to FOUR healthy, happy, wild boys.
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#13 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:29 PM
 
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A mother's emotional and mental health shouldn't be determined by WHERE she gives birth. I think people, in general, but especially on this board, put WAY too much emphasis on an event that is one, maybe several days out of a lifetime! Yes, birth is a special and momentous occurrence, its an amazing experience that we will never forget. It isn't MORE important than my marriage though and my relationship with the man that helped create this baby I'm carrying.
But her PHYSICAL health MAY be decided by where she births. She may get sliced open in one place or another simply because of where she is birthing. She and the baby may be given any number of medications. She and the baby will be exposed to any number of virulent bacteria and viruses simply by BEING at a hospital.

-Angela
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#14 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:32 PM
 
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But her PHYSICAL health MAY be decided by where she births. She may get sliced open in one place or another simply because of where she is birthing. She and the baby may be given any number of medications. She and the baby will be exposed to any number of virulent bacteria and viruses simply by BEING at a hospital.

-Angela
Shall I start listing worst case scenarios that can happen at a home birth? We aren't talking about WCS. We're talking about both partners concerns. Some of you seem to think that your partner should have no say where you give birth. I happen to disagree.

Nicole - Mom to FOUR healthy, happy, wild boys.
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#15 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:35 PM
 
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I honestly don't know what to tell you.

My DH doesn't care- as long as I am not complaining and crying about my fear of needles, he would let me give birth whenever/however/where-ever I want. I never thought about it- but as much as I sometimes wish he had more interest in the whole thing (he's never read one book or wanted to hear about any of it) I am lucky that I have the freedom to birth however I want and KNOW he's got my back and will be supportive.

I have to say- it's YOUR body... yes he loves you and the baby. But you have to deal with the physical pain, suffering, and ultimately the experience you had for the rest of your life. You have to be comfortable... he says YOU have fears- well what about him?

Good luck hon- I know the stubborn Leo in me would say, "Too bad... I am NOT going to birth in a hospital!"
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#16 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:36 PM
 
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I may have missed it, but what about a birth center? I am using one, very natural... it could be a nice compromise for you two?
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#17 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:36 PM
 
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We're not talking worst case. Her OB has a 29% section rate. If he does any episiotomies at all, she's got at least a 1/3 chance of getting cut somewhere.

Husbands have a say. They do not have a veto in my world. They have a say that can be considered. They have the right to present their side. They have a right to research and discuss. They have a right to express concerns. If they have valid concerns backed by reputable research, a logical wife/mom will listen.

-Angela
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#18 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:37 PM
 
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"He has been negative and standoffish in our prenatal appointments with them, barrages them with questions about rare complications and crisis situations, picks apart their answers as "propoganda," questions everything they say, and consistently tells anyone who asks what a "wonderful, understanding" OB we have. "

I'm going to have to disagree that he's been respectful.

And while I agree his feelings should be considered, I don't think it justifies him forcing her to birth in a situation that her instincts are telling her is bad for her. His feelings are important, but if his feelings are the only indication for hospital birth, that's not compelling enough for me.

Melissa, wife to Brian, mommy to my home born, breastfeeding, sling-riding, sleep sharing, cloth diapered, intact kiddos Adam 11/09 and Leah 8/12.

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#19 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:38 PM
 
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Oh Comtessa! So sorry to hear you're going through this!



Pregnant women should not be stressed out!!! It's a big issue of mine. Wish your DH understood this and wasn't adding to your worries. In fact, avoiding stress and fighting in labor is one of the reasons I choose a HB. OK, some women have good, natural hospital births, but almost none do without a struggle. Especially in major American cities, like where you and I am.

Here's where we need the Birth Survey for hard numbers! But even without it: in 2007 the c/s rate in the US rose 2 percentage points, to over 31%. That's an average. It's a little higher where I am. Compare that to the Farm (Ina Mae Gaskin's midwifery center in TN). They have a c/s rate of under 2%. So, even adding in elective c/s and high risk ladies, your chance of having an unnecessary c/s in an American hospital is really high. High enough that I would have really stressed about it all through pregnancy, labor and delivery. I didn't want to be on a clock, and under pressure.

Even if you have a good doctor and nurses, their hands are tied by the hospital and by their malpractice insurance.

So that's what your DH is asking of you, to willingly take a big risk with your body and your peace of mind. Best case scenario, you successfully defend you right for a natural birth, against nearly constant pressure to go mainstream - induction, epi, pit, laboring on your back, etc. Maybe worst case, you end up with a major surgery you didn't need. It's even more than your peace of mind v. his, but if you want to boil it down to that, yours as the birthing mother is more important. I don't want to drive a wedge between you, but he needs to be protecting you, not putting you at risk.

If you don't mind me making a guess about your DH's motives, I'd say he can't put up with societal pressure about HBs. The sad truth in our culture is that families who choose HBs are given the responsibility for the outcomes. If things go wrong in a hospital, it's typically no one's fault. If things go wrong at home, it's the parent's fault. Not rational, just the state of our culture. I'm a pretty hardboiled HB advocate, but this got to me a little too, so I can sympathize. In the end, it's just something you have to accept. What was important to me was the health of my babes and of myself. Weighing the evidence clearly, I did what was right for me, regardless of what other people might think. But it's not an easy choice to make.

So what to do? Well, I forgot if a birth center is an option for you. But it's still not home. Well, one thing you could do is repeat how strongly you feel about having your baby at home, and do so in such a way that you take responsibility for the decision off him and onto yourself. Agreeing could be something he'd do for you, going along with your wishes.

Hope you can come to an agreement soon. The less negativity you can have coming up on your birth, the better. You need him as an ally (if he's going to be around through labor and delivery). What you don't want is him getting skiddish should you go past your EDD, or should your water break early, or should any number of normal, first time birth situations arise. He needs a cool head, and it doesn't sound like he's got one right now.

Very best wishes!

Mom to : Belle and Izzy
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#20 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:39 PM
 
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A mother's emotional and mental health shouldn't be determined by WHERE she gives birth. I think people, in general, but especially on this board, put WAY too much emphasis on an event that is one, maybe several days out of a lifetime! Yes, birth is a special and momentous occurrence, its an amazing experience that we will never forget. It isn't MORE important than my marriage though and my relationship with the man that helped create this baby I'm carrying.
I think that this statement is actually really insensitive and hurtful to women who have suffered through traumatic birth experiences and have had years/months of emotional issue because of it. PSD is actually very real and valid after having a birth experience that isn't what you had been prepared for. It's not an imaginary emotion or issue. People's relationships can and are damaged by traumatic births. I've seen it happen and I think that if you've never been there then you need to at least be open to the emotional difficulty that a woman goes through after having a difficult/disappointing birth experience.

You can't compare a marriage to a birth. THey are two very different things on all levels.
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#21 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by billikengirl View Post
"

And while I agree his feelings should be considered, I don't think it justifies him forcing her to birth in a situation that her instincts are telling her is bad for her. His feelings are important, but if his feelings are the only indication for hospital birth, that's not compelling enough for me.
This.

I was trying to think of a way to say this, but you said it better!

She has rational facts on her side; he has only nebulous fears.

OP, best wishes! Keep us updated. . . you have time.

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#22 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mamafreya View Post
I think that this statement is actually really insensitive and hurtful to women who have suffered through traumatic birth experiences and have had years/months of emotional issue because of it. PSD is actually very real and valid after having a birth experience that isn't what you had been prepared for. It's not an imaginary emotion or issue. People's relationships can and are damaged by traumatic births. I've seen it happen and I think that if you've never been there then you need to at least be open to the emotional difficulty that a woman goes through after having a difficult/disappointing birth experience.

You can't compare a marriage to a birth. THey are two very different things on all levels.

And Mamafreya, thank you for saying this. I also wanted to say something similar but you beat me to it!

I suffered PTSD as a result of my first hospital birth and had intensive psychotherapy for six months during my second pregnancy to deal with it. Birth trauma is very, very real and it makes me sad to hear anyone belittle it.

Birth matters. How, when, where, and with whom we give birth matters.

Peace,
Jen

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#23 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by billikengirl View Post
"He has been negative and standoffish in our prenatal appointments with them, barrages them with questions about rare complications and crisis situations, picks apart their answers as "propoganda," questions everything they say, and consistently tells anyone who asks what a "wonderful, understanding" OB we have. "

I'm going to have to disagree that he's been respectful.

And while I agree his feelings should be considered, I don't think it justifies him forcing her to birth in a situation that her instincts are telling her is bad for her. His feelings are important, but if his feelings are the only indication for hospital birth, that's not compelling enough for me.
I happen to think that emotions can cloud every side of a story. Her husband's tale would probably be much different than she's telling it. That's not saying she's being dishonest, this is a normal thing. I can't clearly see the other side of issues that I'm very passionate about either.

I know some of you don't like to admit this, but birthing in a hospital is not the worst case scenario either. It isn't the end all be all. It doesn't guarantee you 'will be cut'.

(I've had THREE hospital births, never been cut, never been even close to it! Never been bothered for failure to progress. I actually BEGGED for a c-section during my first labor, they wouldn't do it. the opposite of what everyone here usually says. This is 2 different hospitals in two different states on opposite sides of the country.)

I am a big fan of home births, by responsible people who make responsible decisions. Are you low risk? Awesome. Have you had a child before? Even better. Have you had adequate prenatal care? SUPER! Are there any indications that there will be complications? EVEN better. A first time mom with a hesitant partner? I can't say that's the choice I'd make, but I don't think its necessarily 'bad' either.

I've read so much about people attitudes really effecting the outcome of a home birth. If her partner isn't 100% on board with this, those feelings and hesitations are GOING to be felt by this mother during labor. That is going to effect the birth experience as well.

I'd love to hear if there are any birth centers in her area. That sounds like the best compromise in this situation.

My personal preference is a midwife attended hospital birth. That isn't everyone's though! This time I may actually opt for a birth center birth. We shall see!!

Whatever you decide OP, I hope that you and your husband can meet in the middle on this and come to an agreement that will mend these hurt feelings you are both experiencing. I hope that the birth goes perfectly, wherever it is, and you both realize that while birth is amazing and important, it isn't the whole picture. You will after you hold your little one in your arms.

Nicole - Mom to FOUR healthy, happy, wild boys.
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#24 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mamafreya View Post
I think that this statement is actually really insensitive and hurtful to women who have suffered through traumatic birth experiences and have had years/months of emotional issue because of it. PSD is actually very real and valid after having a birth experience that isn't what you had been prepared for. It's not an imaginary emotion or issue. People's relationships can and are damaged by traumatic births. I've seen it happen and I think that if you've never been there then you need to at least be open to the emotional difficulty that a woman goes through after having a difficult/disappointing birth experience.

You can't compare a marriage to a birth. THey are two very different things on all levels.
I never said it was an imaginary issue. I said that I think women, especially here, put WAY too much stock into this 'ideal experience'.

I've HAD a traumatic birth. I have had the after effects of it as well. The feelings of disappointment, the anger, the confusing, the up for hours crying PPD wondering where I went wrong, the blaming myself. All of it.

I think its brought on by ourselves a lot of times. If we have such a rigid view of what an 'acceptable' birth is, and ours falls outside of that, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

If I'd have been more educated, would have had a more open mind on the different possibilities and how I'd handle them IN THE MOMENT, I wouldn't have been so torn up over how things went. It wasn't a healthy thing.

First time mothers need to learn all they can about what's about to happen. They also need to be able to accept the fact that while they may have an 'ideal' birth experience in their head, that may not be necessarily how it actually goes. You need to emotionally prepare for THAT as well.

Nicole - Mom to FOUR healthy, happy, wild boys.
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#25 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:55 PM
 
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I personally, would end the argument. "When *I'm* in labor, *you* can go to the hospital" followed by "I don't want to fight with you any longer". And then refuse to discuss any further - "I hear your point of view - I will go to the hospital if/when there is an indication for me to be there".
I realize this strategy is not for everyone, I just happen to be really good at digging my heels into the ground. I also happen to be lucky enough not to have to do it.

You can try changing the tune a little. What are the *risks* of hospital birth? If your OBs c/sec rate is ~30% what is your MWs c/sec rate? 5%? That would be a 600% increase in the risk of c/sec (or whatever the math turns out to be) and thus a 600% increase in the risks involved in c/sec (you've obviously done your homework - I'll let you come up with the stats). Would he risk having that kind of increased risk for a five inch incision in his abdomen? What about episiotomy? What's the OB's episiotomy rate vs the MWs? What are the risks associated with that? Would he risk having an x-fold increase in the risk of having an unnecessary two inch incision in his penis? What are the risks associated with routine IVs, routine pitocin...
I agree that birth plans can be helpful, but even at the best of hospitals with the best of doulas, the likelihood of unnecessary intervention is still ridiculously high.

You might also consider the old "going to the hospital at the last possible second" trick. Which usually greatly helps to avoid at least the majority of the interventions at the hospital... and might somewhat accidentally end up in a home birth...

good luck

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07/10/09
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#26 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:57 PM
 
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I feel a lot more comfortable with a hospital birth (for me). I think if it were reversed and DH was birthing our baby I would feel a lot better with him birthing in a hospital as well.

As for your DP’s “at least for the first baby” reasoning … It was total shock for me when it came to giving birth to my first. I had read every book ever printed, did pre-natal classes, was the last of many friends to have a child, I thought I was well prepared … I was not prepared at all.

For my second, I knew exactly what I did/didn't want. I labored at home until I knew baby was pretty much ready join us, then we headed to the hospital.

I’m not sure what to tell you to as far as changing your DH's mind but I really can’t agree with the you're the only one with a say theory when it involves his child as well. I think his feelings (no matter how irrational they may seem) should be considered as well.

Maybe you could find some local parents who have home birthed willing to meet with you guys and talk to your DP?

It sounds like a tough situation ... I hope you can come to a decision you are both comfortable with … Good luck!!!
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#27 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If there was a possibility of getting a midwife-attended hospital birth, or a birth center birth, perhaps I'd feel more willing to compromise about my home birth, but neither is an option for us. Our HMO refuses to cover even One. Single. Midwife. And there are no birth centers in Ohio; we'd have to drive several hours out of state to get to the closest one. He's even said he's willing to make the drive! But I'm absolutely not going to get into a car for three or four hours while in labor when I have perfectly competent midwives here in town who will attend my birth at home.

I realize after reading some of your responses that I've been really hard on my DH - it's not that he's trying to be disrespectful, he's just terrified. And yes, a lot of it has to do with fear for my safety. But, as one PP said, a big part of the fear is that "everyone else" gives birth in hospitals, so in his opinion, I'm the one who has to make the case against it. And there is nothing I have said or done that will make that case convincingly for him.

The truth is, I'm operating on fear for my own safety as well! I know my own physical reactions to the medical environment. I get an adrenaline rush as soon as I walk in the door! Based on my own self-knowledge, I am fairly certain that if I go into a hospital while in labor, my adrenaline will slow or stall my labor to the point that the doctor will insist on intervening to start it up again. And at that point, the cascade of interventions can begin.

It isn't that a natural birth ISN'T possible in the hospital, of course - I know lots of women who have had lovely hospital births. It's just that I don't think it's possible for me. I see this as adding real, physical, statistical risk to a birth that would otherwise not be risky. He does not, somehow.

*Sigh*

Thanks all for your support and encouragement and advice. Keep it coming, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and this helps so much!

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#28 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 03:02 PM
 
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Would your insurance cover a trip to The Farm? You don't have to wait to go into labor that way.
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#29 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 03:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Comtessa View Post
I am fairly certain that if I go into a hospital while in labor, my adrenaline will slow or stall my labor to the point that the doctor will insist on intervening to start it up again. And at that point, the cascade of interventions can begin.

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#30 of 99 Old 03-19-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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YES! I have to say, do be prepared that the wost can happen. Don't set yourself up for being disappointed. I want no birth! LOL I hate pain, hate the idea of birth period. But I have no choice.

I want a water birth at my birth center. But if I need or even just at the time WANT to get out of the water- that's okay. It doesn't make me, my midwife, or anyone else a failure.

So, while I DO hope he comes around and you get your homebirth, always remember that your having a happy baby and being safe is what really counts. And this coming from someone who has not yet birthed and who is MORTALLY TERRIFIED TO DEATH of needles, etc.
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