Homebirth Transfer Support Tribe? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 70 Old 08-29-2010, 10:34 PM
 
Mama2010's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 15
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
d

Mama to one perfect baby boy
Mama2010 is offline  
#62 of 70 Old 03-10-2011, 10:03 AM
 
rumi79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Mays Landing, NJ
Posts: 148
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I found this thread and decided to bump it up.

I am still dealing with unresolved grief after my HBAC transfer which ended up in a c-section. I want more children but I am not sure I want to be pregnant again and go through labor. I feel like I have failed both of my children. It hurts a lot and I just want to be at peace with myself.

All I wanted is to give the best possible birth to my sons. And both times they ended up with c-sections. DS1 was taken to NICU for fever and I didn't see him until the next day. DS2 was better handled c-section which I am thankful for tremendously - he was handed to me in recovery skin to skin and we didn't separate until the next day when I took a shower. They also discharged me after only one night stay because we were doing OK and I wanted to be home with DS1 who is 4. I was treated extremely respectful by the hospital staff, my MW was there as well, so I can't say it was traumatic birth. I just feel that I have lost a big part of me. All these dreams for peaceful and empowering birth are gone. Instead all I can think of myself is that I am a whimp and couldn't handle labor, not once but twice.

rumi79 is offline  
#63 of 70 Old 03-27-2011, 08:28 AM
 
LadyJade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: my blue heaven, VA, USA
Posts: 60
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Me too.

 

I had planned this awesome home waterbirth, had been reading about natural home birth for 7 years before even trying to get pregnant.  It had become part of my identity.  My baby was stuck - that NEVER happens, right?  Never got past -1 station even after water breaking and 21 hours of hard labor.  We transferred for pitocin, then got some heart decels and the baby needed to come out because he was in distress.  He's totally healthy and so am I, but the csection felt like a repeat of my mom's experience which was what I was determined to avoid.

 

The hospital was great.  I felt respected and well cared for.  Turns out the home part was hell, the hospital was great, so it sort of flipped my whole view on birth...

 

The hospital is even encouraging me to try for a VBAC next time.  So I'm not planning another HB.  And I can't say I would recommend it for others either.  If you find a great hospital and a supportive OB who's not a jerk, I think that's the way to go.

 

But finding support and understanding for what I'm feeling is difficult.  Main stream types sort of have this "Gosh I'm sorry, but... I told you so..." kind of air, and the crunchy moms who succeeded at their homebirths just wonder what you did wrong, or what your midwives did wrong...  I didn't do anything wrong, my midwives did not do anything wrong.  It is what it is, and sometimes HB just doesn't work.  Either that, or I think they're just uncomfortable around us...  we're certainly not the ones they crow about.  We're not the HB poster children we wanted to be...  We are caught in the middle and it feels like no one really understands or knows what to say...  Its a very lonely feeling.  So where's our facebook group?  Is there one yet?

LadyJade is offline  
#64 of 70 Old 03-27-2011, 08:53 AM
 
LadyJade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: my blue heaven, VA, USA
Posts: 60
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

OK if any of you all are still out there and reading this thread, I started a Facebook group here

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_137412956328096

 

Would love for any of you to join... please.  :)

LadyJade is offline  
#65 of 70 Old 06-03-2011, 09:32 AM
 
MegBoz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 2,125
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
regarding a support 'group' online.... I'd love to chat with other transfer mamas, but I have no desire to be immersed in negativity... to be surrounded by sentiments that we crunchy ladies are crazy, delusional, and plotting to deceive everyone about 'the truth' [that HB is awful & stupid to attempt & birth itself is dangerous & miserable.]

 

& I absolutely will NOT join a group that links to every dreadful blog post from a nut case who, for some bizarre reason, has made it her life's mission to stop all homebirthing.


Homebirth didn't work for me. But that doesn't make homebirth awful. Just like if I had miscarriage, I wouldn't be anti-uterus. I'd still HB if I had another (though we aren't going to).

 

Too bad, I would have joined otherwise. Support is great, and a place to vent your frustrations is great too, but support should also be about moving on & healing... I see none of that in that group & I think seeing those posts regularly in my news feed would not only NOT be helpful to healing, but detrimental. 

rumi79 likes this.
MegBoz is offline  
#66 of 70 Old 06-13-2011, 09:28 PM
 
sunflwrmoonbeam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,684
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Here's hoping this thread goes somewhere.

 

I planned a homebirth with my first, and went into labor naturally at 42+1. Labored at home for 34 hours until the pain switched from "contractions hurt" to "something is WRONG." At that point I reached in and felt something squishy, which sent me to the hospital. 6 hours later I have my very desperately wanted c-section, and it turns out my baby is in a face/brow presentation (doc says face, when I reached in I felt forehead, and pretty much only forehead).

 

My midwife was wonderful, and my transfer wasn't that bad. My c-section was necessary (the c-section rate for this presentation is at 50% on The Farm), I was healthy, baby was healthy, and we were home 32 hours PP. Considering my daughter's position, things couldn't have gone better.

 

We're TTC #2 now and planning an HBAC with early concurrent care. I dealt with a lot with my birth, and feel fully confident in my ability to handle a natural birth. However, I'm afraid that there's something wrong with my pelvis that caused my daughter to not flex her chin. Basically, I want an HBAC, but I'm afraid it'll be a repeat of last time. And, I guess this is getting more into VBAC issues than homebirth transfer, so I'll stop now.

 

I will say that my experience in the hospital, as much as it was necessary, fully convinced me that they do not help laboring women. Next time, staying home.


Ashley, Pagan treehugger.gif mama to E (6/09) and my beautiful hbac.gif baby T (4/3/12)
sunflwrmoonbeam is offline  
#67 of 70 Old 06-14-2011, 11:32 AM
 
MegBoz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 2,125
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I had a good transfer experience - as good as it can go, I guess. They were all really nice & even said, "I'm sorry you didn't get the birth experience you wanted." :) Which I was so appreciative of. A couple nurses said that as well as some lady who had some sort of administrative role who came in to tell me I could take home my placenta. She joked, "OK, it took an act of congress, but you can take it - you just have to take it out tonight because we can't store it for you." 

 

& I didn't feel shocked or surprised at all by how my birth went. I didn't feel let down by birth. I mean, I'm not delusional. The Farm even has about, I believe, a 3% CS rate! I know birth goes wrong sometimes.

 

Before this birth, I had been joking that I figured I had a 90% chance of having a 3 hour or shorter labor (this was baby #2, & baby #1 was under 5 hours for 1st stage, and 45 min of pushing (no drugs at all) - & 2nd babies are most often faster), 3% chance of something going wrong enough to need a CS, and then a 7% "in between" chance where things sorta go 'wrong' but maybe not need a CS - and in that case, mal-positioning would most likely be the cause.


Well, I fell in that 7% category. I still think those are my odds & still think those are the odds I'd face again (and I absolutely would HB again.) DD was posterior. After 26 hours of laboring - with about 6 hours at 9.5 CM, intermittedly trying to push against the cervical lip & it not budging, the cervix began to swell & I couldn't take the pain of pushing ON the lip anymore anyway. (Pushing AGAINST a lip, with zero urge to push, and making zero progress with baby descending beyond the lip is an entirely different ball game from pain of contractions & pain of pushing. It was torture!) 


Turns out the car ride shifting everything around & I ended up at the hospital with a bulging bag again (HB MW had broken my forewaters hours earlier.)  Hospital MW talked me out of the epidural, said she thought if she popped that bag, I'd be able to push DD out quickly - and she was right! Pushed only 12 min!  So if I'd known the car ride would have fixed it all, I would have gone for a car ride & come back home again!!

 

I'm interested in being a childbirth educator & DH observed that the experience helps increase my credibility - & I think he's right. While I don't think you have to have had a long, tough, grueling labor to be a great CBE, it does help people think you are more credible & helps you RELATE to others.

 

It also solidified for me how vulnerable a woman is in labor and how - IMO, what lingers the most strongly is how you are treated. That stays with me the strongest above & beyond anything else. The pain fades in my mind, feeling like I "missed out" isn't a strong feeling anymore (even though it's only been 3 mos) but the way DH was astoundingly supportive, the way I felt I had choices, the way people respected me, respected my bodily autonomy & really tried to HELP ME without controlling me is the most strong & deep impression I have.

 

Considering that, I think I also better understand birth trauma. If I felt DH let me down, I really don't know that my marriage could have survived it. That sounds so dramatic to say & usually I'm very NOT-dramatic. But I really feel that way. (Instead, he was amazingly supportive & I think the experience strengthened our marriage.) I can imagine how bitter & angry I'd feel if I had people do things without getting consent or against my will.

 

Unfortunately, the latter points only serve to INCREASE my near-psychotic paranoia to grab every PG woman I see & yell at her to run screaming from the few hospitals around here that are DREADFUL!

"Don't you know, it's not just about an unnecessary CS or episiotomy, you can ALSO be scarred emotionally. DON"T GO THERE!!! There are so many other better hospitals you can go to - some even CLOSER anyway!"

 

<sigh>

 

I try hard to contain myself because I know it is absolutely not right to say such things, but it's very, very hard for me.

 

I feel so bad for the way women & babies are abused with ridiculous policies like not being "allowed" to go beyond 41W 0D (even first timers), not being allowed to eat & drink, no access to hydrotherapy, required continuous EFM for even low-risk births, VBAC-bans, and procedures like AROM & episiotomy being done without permission (or even AGAINST a mama's will.) I feel so so bad about it....

MegBoz is offline  
#68 of 70 Old 06-16-2011, 09:18 PM
 
Alenushka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 1,893
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


You handled the labor twice. You are alive, you baby is alive.

What is more empowering than being a mother? You are twice so.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by rumi79 View Post

I found this thread and decided to bump it up.

I am still dealing with unresolved grief after my HBAC transfer which ended up in a c-section. I want more children but I am not sure I want to be pregnant again and go through labor. I feel like I have failed both of my children. It hurts a lot and I just want to be at peace with myself.

All I wanted is to give the best possible birth to my sons. And both times they ended up with c-sections. DS1 was taken to NICU for fever and I didn't see him until the next day. DS2 was better handled c-section which I am thankful for tremendously - he was handed to me in recovery skin to skin and we didn't separate until the next day when I took a shower. They also discharged me after only one night stay because we were doing OK and I wanted to be home with DS1 who is 4. I was treated extremely respectful by the hospital staff, my MW was there as well, so I can't say it was traumatic birth. I just feel that I have lost a big part of me. All these dreams for peaceful and empowering birth are gone. Instead all I can think of myself is that I am a whimp and couldn't handle labor, not once but twice.



 

Alenushka is offline  
#69 of 70 Old 06-17-2011, 12:18 PM
 
LadyJade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: my blue heaven, VA, USA
Posts: 60
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Exactly.  I'm done navel-gazing about the birth experience.  I'm ready to be an adult about it and say - yes, labor and delivery just mostly suck.  Get over it and get on with celebrating your child.  I now think the solution to bad hospitals is to find a good hospital and give birth there.  I wish I had put all that energy into that, and in preparing for life with a baby more.  I wish all those thousands I gave to my midwife and doula I had instead put into a postpartum doula or mother's helper type person, or downpayment on the SUV I could really use for taking baby places more easily.  I see my whole home birth attempt as a waste and an embarrassment.  Truly, truly - the only thing that matters is a healthy baby and a healthy mom.  I celebrate my child's birth and I celebrate my c-section scar because that was what I was willing to go through for his sake, and it was so worth it, and I'd do it again.

 

Those are my feelings, and they are valid.  They are at least as valid as anyone else's feelings in the aftermath of a transfer.  If that's not how you feel (Meg) then that's OK with me.  We all deal with this sort of thing differently.  Don't ridicule me or discount me or hate on me because I didn't end up where you are.  This is where I am.  And if your voice and perspective isn't represented in the facebook group that i started, well, that's your own fault for not contributing to it, isn't it?  As far as I'm concerned, I'd love more participation and more perspectives over there, but since I'm the one doing all the posting, guess what - its going to reflect my feelings.  Until other people head over and post what they are feeling...

 

I still feel pretty lonely in this.  Oh well.

Alenushka likes this.
LadyJade is offline  
#70 of 70 Old 06-17-2011, 03:49 PM
 
Alenushka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 1,893
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


PLease, do not feel lonenly or embarrassed. You are mother and you a human,. Your thought you did what was best, but in the end it all worked out.
You are right, the most important thing is that you and the baby is alive.

There many expriences in life that do nto go the way we planned them. That is life and we are made to deal with it.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyJade View Post

Exactly.  I'm done navel-gazing about the birth experience.  I'm ready to be an adult about it and say - yes, labor and delivery just mostly suck.  Get over it and get on with celebrating your child.  I now think the solution to bad hospitals is to find a good hospital and give birth there.  I wish I had put all that energy into that, and in preparing for life with a baby more.  I wish all those thousands I gave to my midwife and doula I had instead put into a postpartum doula or mother's helper type person, or downpayment on the SUV I could really use for taking baby places more easily.  I see my whole home birth attempt as a waste and an embarrassment.  Truly, truly - the only thing that matters is a healthy baby and a healthy mom.  I celebrate my child's birth and I celebrate my c-section scar because that was what I was willing to go through for his sake, and it was so worth it, and I'd do it again.

 

Those are my feelings, and they are valid.  They are at least as valid as anyone else's feelings in the aftermath of a transfer.  If that's not how you feel (Meg) then that's OK with me.  We all deal with this sort of thing differently.  Don't ridicule me or discount me or hate on me because I didn't end up where you are.  This is where I am.  And if your voice and perspective isn't represented in the facebook group that i started, well, that's your own fault for not contributing to it, isn't it?  As far as I'm concerned, I'd love more participation and more perspectives over there, but since I'm the one doing all the posting, guess what - its going to reflect my feelings.  Until other people head over and post what they are feeling...

 

I still feel pretty lonely in this.  Oh well.



 

Alenushka is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off