If you had reservations about your mother being at the birth... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 35 Old 03-26-2010, 02:24 AM
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I've been thinking about how to word my response to this.

My mom is very medical minded and I didn't really want her at DS's birth. I thought she'd freak out and call 911 or try to take over somehow. I didn't want to put my MW in the middle of that or pull any attention away from myself. Afterall, it was all about me. So we decided she would stay with DD during the birth, but somehow she ended up there and I was too far into laborland to even realize or fight it. I didn't care either way then.

As it turns out I really really liked that she was there. She saw me at my strongest hour. I was freakin She-Ra! She should be proud! And even though she says it was extremely difficult to watch (she had epidurals with her births), I feel like I've opened her eyes somehow.

Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!

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#32 of 35 Old 03-28-2010, 03:29 PM
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I felt the same way you do before DD was born. In fact, my mom caused me sooooo much stress after DS was born, that I asked her to wait a bit before coming to visit after DD was born. As I got closer to my EDD though, I had a change of heart, and asked her to fly in about a week after I was due, thinking DD would probably be here by then. Well, she wasn't. And I was dreading having my mom in the house if I went into labor. Sure enough, my water broke the morning after she arrived.

Things this time went very differently. I don't know if it's because she knew she stressed me out last time, or because I felt more confident or what, but having her there was the best thing possible. She kept DS busy while I was having hard core contractions, and helped the MW out with whatever they needed during the birth (drinks, snacks, towels, whatever). The next morning, she took care of DS after he got up, and I was in hard core heavy duty labor. After, when DD was born, she brought me some home cooked yumminess, and helped clean up, etc. Having her there to meet her grand daughter 10 minutes after she was born was amazing.

So, as much as I was dreading the situation, it was the best thing to have her there. Never would have expected that, but happy it worked out that way. Not saying the same will happen with you, but it's possible.
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#33 of 35 Old 03-28-2010, 04:33 PM
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SKIP IT!! Mothers tend to make people a bit "on guard", etc. That type of stress isn't good for birth progression.

My mother came to my first (hospital with lots of interventions). She said after that she was so proud of me. . . I hardly made any noise at all! Well the next two births were natural with a mw (birth 2 was at a hospital, birth 3 was at home). I expected to make noise. She wasn't welcome. I would have felt self conscious about the birth noises if she would have come.


Mom to three very active girls Anna (15), Kayla (12), Maya (9).
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#34 of 35 Old 03-28-2010, 10:06 PM - Thread Starter
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Gosh, there are so many interesting experiences with mothers at their daughters' births. I love hearing all of them, and each one that went well makes me smile - I really wish they were all like that!

We had two interesting things happen since my last post:

1) We met the student doula and she is a great match for us. That pretty much closed the deal.

2) I keep a weekly journal / blog thingy and my mom reads it to keep up with how we are doing. I posted about the doula, and she asked me about it on the phone. I was worried, especially with how she brought it up, "You hired someone to watch ds at the birth?!? I would have done that for free!" I then went through several of the easier-to-communicate reasons for that choice (we want to have the house just with the 3 of us in the last couple days before birth and the first couple after, we couldn't figure out how to get her there in time with those constraints, since our doula is still a student she doesn't charge for her services). She took this so much better than I thought! She even said that she figured I had good reasons for that. I was really happy that she was so OK with that in the end (especially after her earlier negative comments about the number of people who would be at the birth which at the time was just our team of 2 midwives and their apprentice).

The other cool thing that came from the conversation was that she told me more about when her siblings were born. Basically, the kids would all be sent to sleep outside for the night, and when they'd come inside in the morning, there would be the new baby! Those were fond memories for her. The traumatic one was when her youngest sister was born (MUCH younger than the rest of her sibs) and she just skipped over that saying how it was different w/ her.

So I'm feeling very satisfied with the outcome, although in the more romantic part of my brain I still wish she would be here. Unfortunately, I just don't think the reality would match that.

me dh ds1 (11/04) ds2 (7/10) and
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#35 of 35 Old 03-28-2010, 10:58 PM
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I agree: follow your gut. If you're having reservations, listen to them!

I decided against having my mother at my birth and it was the right decision for us at the time. It hurt her feelings very much and it was hard to know that and still tell her she couldn't come, but it all worked out in the end and I think she understands now.

Do what feels right.

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