I think what i really want is someone to help manage my household so that i can focus on labor, I will have dh, mil, mom, and bf at the labor and i have a very detailed plan including roles and jobs, birth projects etc
I intend on being around and helping but i just really dont want to be stressed out and i know i will be on edge and cranky
the best part of my labor with dd was when i was alone! dh was driving me crazy and my mom wouldnt stop giving advice nurses where coming in and out (hospital birth) I just wanted peace and quiet
so i am picturing me alone in the bedroom where tub will be set up.. at least int he last hours of labor up to pushing time then probably just dh and my mom will be allowed for the brith and dd if she's up to it.
i dont want too many people around
so i guess i want someone to advocate for me with family and attendants and make sure my plan is followed, things like no flash photos, no cell phones, take conflict outside etc. I am more worried about everyone else freaking out than me. I dont feel i will need a doula... but i might who knows I also have no support, dh is not capable of it and my mom doesnt know how. The nurses that held my hand through contractions with dd's birth where great I couldnt accept that type of help from my mom or dh they just pissed me off haha no reason really just tha tit was them...
but couldnt the midwife do a lot of that advocating and explaining and holding my hand through the process, metaphorically and physically if needed?
most of the doulas in my area want 1000 - 1500$ for 1 prenatal visit and birth is it worth it? I dont want to pay that if i wont be using the services at all
yeah, re-read your your post. No flash photography, no cell phones? These are things you hear in theater performance! When you don't have a crowd at your birth you don't need someone to enforce those rules.
Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...
First, I expected my husband to be able to provide physical support. My labor was very fast and DH never ate breakfast. He nearly fainted and ended up breathing into a paper bag in another room so I wouldn't realize he was freaking out. My midwife was supportive, but couldn't provide the physical massage/pressure I needed while also doing her job. That's not true for every midwife/birth, but was true in mine.
Usually midwives don't want to come too early in labor. If I wasn't dilated enough, my midwife would have left and told us to call her back when I was further along. So, for early labor support, a doula is priceless because they can come and support you before you call your midwife.
My labor came on so quickly that my midwife was only there 60-90 minutes before he was born and her apprentice walked in 30 minutes beforehand. I'm very lucky they were both in my town that day because they live 40 and 60 minutes away and probably wouldn't have made it from their homes. A doula who lives closer than my midwives is a priority to me for next time.
Also, we just had us and the midwives there. Next time we are hoping to invite our mothers (if they have time to make it!) as well. I'm hoping a doula will be a good buffer between me and them while I'm laboring because I can imagine one or both of them disturbing or annoying me even though they are very respectful and supportive.
As far as price, if you can hook up with someone who is still attending births in order to get their certification, you can pay much much less. The doula-in-training I recently talked to was charging $150/birth and providing the same services as other doulas, just with less experience. Experience matters to me with my midwife, but with a doula, it's more her personality and not how many other moms she's attended.
Those are just a few things for you to chew on. If you are feeling like you don't want one, don't get one. If you're unsure, look around, interview a few doulas, and see if anyone clicks with you. Good luck!
Mama to DS1 (12/07), DS2 (4/11), and DD (6/22/14)
Finally diagnosed with APS after 3 s (11/09, 3/10, 7/13)
i don't think you need a doula if you don't want one. Talk to you midwife about how much hand holding she or her assistants can be expected to provide. But it sounds like you don't really want all the people you have coming either. Can you knock some of those out?
I had a doula for my first birth, but labor went so fast I felt the urge to push before she even arrived at my house (& it was a planned hospital birth!) I enjoyed laboring mostly alone. DH tried to do counter-pressure on my back & it just hurt or was uncomfortable. I didn't want to be touched.
I'm not planning on a doula for this homebirth.
If DH or even a family member/friend would be here I might not want one. None of my family can make it when I am due and I only really have 1 friend in the area I would be ok with being here and I can't see her being ok with a homebirth.
K-03/98, B-01/00, D-03/02, M-09/03, TL-12/04, TM-09/06, I-10/08 edd 02/02/11
My midwife's practice gently requested that I have one because I was a first time mom birthing at home. I know myself pretty well and having to pay a stranger that money for massage and compassion was not something I'd be into. I chose to have my DH and Mom there. However, things got complicated and my midwife came early and had to keep a doppler on me every 30 min. Labor ended up being induced by natural means and aggressive, and I didn't want my Mom to see me that way---I just wanted to be alone w/ my husband.
It sounds like you do have a lot of people planning to be there. I only had planned for 2 plus my 2 midwives and ended up w/ just DH and midwives. I also was present at my brother's home birth and all you need is someone to care for your daughter and someone to care for you if the midwife isn't going to come right away. Let others come post-birth to help w/ food and cleaning. So what if the baby is an hour old when they arrive?
Everyone is different, so just my 2 cents--but go withyour gut. You probably already know what you can handle.
What purpose do you have in mind for your mother at the birth? It doesn't sound like her presence is peaceful or helpful.
If her role is to watch the other kid(s), then you can have her take that child(ren) out for the labor and bring them back for pushing/post birth (whatever your preference).
For our HB in September '09 with ds2, we decided to hire a doula, because dh could not offer the kind of assistance and support that I would need him to (he became disabled in an accident last year). We were very glad to have the doula, because she not only played a vital role in helping me with the labor & contractions, but she also was a terrific sounding board and buffer. When dh (who is normally supportive but is needy now post-accident) and I were a bit tense about something, she deflected it and took me out for a walk (to get labor going) - but she also listened and just helped me clear my head and ease the outside non-labor related feelings so I could focus on the labor and birth. (It helped that she knows us well, so she could sense these issues).
(Don't get me wrong, DH and I love each other a lot, but the birth was at an extremely stressful time in our lives, as DH had become disabled after a traumatic accident when I was 6 months pg).
We also had my MIL around for the birth, but I purposely didn't want her in the room, as I knew she's not 100% supportive - and I didn't need her energy. So I assigned her the job of being with ds1 (age 4.5 at the birth) - she took him to the park, and brought him back up after baby was born.
My point is that if you feel that a doula would provide something your Dh cannot, then discuss that with her. Otherwise, find a way to remove that unhelpful energy from the house before labor so you can focus on laboring productively.
It's neither your midwife nor your doula's role to "manage your household". Midwives provide clinical care, doulas provide comfort and support. You might be able to find a doula who will agree to those tasks even though it is really beneath her training. Sounds to me like you need to do some preemptive household management to keep these things from being an issue during labor.
It sounds like you have a lot of people involved that you don't want, but frankly it sounds like you're also "planning" an awful lot of stuff considering you really just want to be left alone. Decide what needs taking care of, and assign some of those people to take care of it, ahead of time. The only people that should be at a birth are those who are going to be directly helpful and supportive to your needs.
caution: one-handed nak
I didn't have one with my first and did with my second we will be having one with our third. Look around you can sometimes find dlouas cheap or free many do free births every now and then. it never hurts to ask.
A mid wives job is medical, depending on her she maybe able to help out with the emotional spirtual part. but it really isnt their job as a doula's it is. tehy are there to help you in whatever way you want.
Why no flash photography? Just owndering your reasons. i totally get the cellphone thing
(4/01, 6/07, & 12/09)
But, I agree that you might want to cut down on the other attendants (lol, sounds like a wedding!). If you're not counting on your dh for labor support, it's better to give him important tasks he can help with that will be meaningful and give him jobs to do, and just don't put the burden of labor support on him.
For my first homebirth, I had mw, dh, good friend, my mom, and a photographer. (MIL was also invited and arrived just after birth). My labor was really quick and had a bit of a circus atmosphere. Really, it didn't matter too much because the birth was so intense a train could've come through but I was too preoccupied to care. But my mom and friend made a couple comments that really annoyed me. And then everyone wants a turn with the baby after birth. Which was only when I was getting cleaned up, etc. but still I think it's better if those moments are reserved for dh and/or the sibs.
My next homebirth, due to circumstances, the only one able to be there was the mw and dh. My mom was out of town, MIL had pneumonia. The kids slept through the birth. But honestly, if they had woken up, dh could have taken care of them. I was fine coping with contractions in the peace and quiet, and my mw was there to help. This birth was SOOOO peaceful and perfect. We woke the kids up to meet their baby brother, and it was so nice just our cozy little family. However, while we got some pictures, they weren't as awesome as the pictures I had with ds2's birth... so I do still kind of want a photographer this time.
If you know you want peace and quiet during labor and birth, I would seriously recommend re-evaluating the guest list. It is a good idea to have someone to occupy the kids so your dh doesn't miss the birth, if you feel any of the kids will need to be away from the actual birthing. You don't want to be trapped in a particular room in order to keep away from the crowd. And having nervous people in the house at all can change the energy at the birth. Just food for thought.
You are the only one who knows what you want in labor. I wanted touch and the gentle presence of women who had birthed before. But also women who didn't need to worry about fetal heart tones and bleeding. Just me and my husband and my baby/babies and children. They fed me, they comforted me when I was laboring, they helped me in everyway. I am so blessed to have had them three different times, for three births.
I am a social creature though, and I know that about myself.
wife - mother - midwife
The more you know, the worse it gets.
The really stupid part is that i know a student doula who could have helped and used the experience for her cert, and i didn't call her.
Cristeen ~ Always remembering our warrior ~ Our is 3, how'd that happen?!?!
We welcomed another warrior in May 2012!!
2012 Decluttering challenge - 575/2012