mcimom, I was typing my other reply while you posted. Yes, I'm feeling that way too, that the $300 I'm "letting" her keep seems pretty generous to me.
And, you're right, I don't like dealing with this on top of everything else. Luckily, it's not as fresh right now, but it hasn't been a good experience.
At 12 weeks, I didn't hear the heartbeat even though the midwife said she did. (I've had two healthy pregnancies, so I know what it sounds like.) I've always waited until the beginning of the second trimester to tell people about the pregnancy, but this time, I decided to wait until I heard the heartbeat, so we set up the next appointment for about 15 weeks, in place of the 16-week appointment, so that we'd be able to hear the heartbeat then. Since we made the appointment in person, I emailed her to confirm the date and time, and replied that she'd see me then.
For that visit, we waited and the midwife didn't show. After a while, my husband called her to find out if she was on her way. She explained that she was in the hospital, had been for 4 days, and was going home that day. She also said that she'd called all of her appointments already and she had another client in our time slot. I absolutely understand that she may have to miss an appointment sometimes, and being hospitalized was a good reason. I didn't appreciate not getting a call, and based on what she said, it sounds like if she wasn't in the hospital, she still wouldn't have shown up. That said, mistakes happen, and aside from being anxious to hear the heartbeat and hear that everything was okay, I got over it.
I couldn't reach her for the rest of the week, and I thought that I might have to find another care provider, but then she called and we set up another appointment for a little after 16 weeks. This time, she said she thought she heard something that might be the heartbeat but I told her I didn't hear anything so she kept trying. She wasn't concerned (or maybe that's just her disposition) but we discussed getting an ultrasound.
The next day, I called an OB's office where I went for a previous pregnancy, and they wouldn't take me as a patient unless I set up two appointments, one to meet with a nurse and discuss pregnancy in general and the next one, possibly as far as 2 weeks later, would be my first visit with a doctor. I was very clear that I was calling because of a suspected missed miscarriage, but it didn't make a difference. After a very stressful morning, I ended up going to one of those private companies that do 3D/4D ultrasounds, of course explaining my situation beforehand so that they'd understand that I wasn't their typical client. (The difficulty of setting up an ultrasound that day, prior to calling that place, was the first time I'd ever regretted my decision to homebirth. I'd considered the "what if something goes wrong" factor, but I had no idea it would be so hard to get care if it did.)
That ultrasound confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The very nice man who did the ultrasound called a local OB for me after I explained what I'd gone though that morning, how difficult it seemed to be to get an OB appointment. That OB's office gave me an appointment, where the doctor and I discussed options (waiting it out or D&C), and I decided to do a mix of the two; I set up the D&C appointment for 20 weeks so that my body would have more time to let things progress naturally.
In the meantime, I emailed the midwife an update of each appointment (as she requested), not expecting replies because they weren't necessary. She replied that I didn't have to do a D&C and that there were natural ways to get things going. I replied with interest, and she never wrote me back until after I had the D&C (never had any other signs of miscarriage, but I had a total of 3 ultrasounds, including one at 20 weeks, to be certain that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing - I don't know how long it would've taken to complete the miscarriage naturally) and emailed her to let her know.
Don't even get me started on what I was almost charged for the D&C (high deductible health plan, so it was mostly out of pocket). This disagreement over finances that I'm having with the midwife almost seems silly in comparison, but it's still a couple hundred dollars that I'd rather not just give away.
Emotionally, I'm doing better than expected, maybe because my loss happened over a course of a couple months. The D&C was recent, but I was already concerned about a loss at 12 weeks (based on size, the baby stopped growing somewhere in the 12-14 week range) when I didn't hear the heartbeat, even if there was one. At 16 weeks, I was upset but not totally surprised; I wasn't expecting a loss, but I also hadn't totally gotten my hopes up and allowed myself to feel totally connected with the baby, if that makes any sense. By 20 weeks, I was ready to move on and hopefully conceive another child as soon as we're able. And that's where we are now.
Sorry for going on and on. We never did tell anyone about the pregnancy (care providers aside), so it's nice to be able to talk about it here.