I guess this is a common thing.... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 47 Old 12-03-2010, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

To get so much negative crap from everyone when it comes to wanting a homebirth. I haven't told "everyone" but some of my family does know. On purpose I did not tell my mother yet(was planning on it maybe while in labor, lol) b/c she's a nurse. Ugh. So she completely freaked out on me when she found out a couple months ago. Then her bff, who's a l&d nurse, also freaked out on me this past w/e. They just went on and on and on....now my BIL is giving me all of these "facts" and constantly telling me that I'm being selfish and only making this decision to "experience" something. I'm only 16wks right now and I'm feeling so stressed! I feel like if this birth doesn't go perfectly that they will all have been "right". I guess I should add that my first was an "emergency" csec(cord was wrapped twice) and my second came out with the help of the vaccuum as a vbac. After learning SO much about homebirthing *I* am confindent that I can do this, but hearing all of this negativity is exhausting. It's like I'm fighting with them every day. *sigh*

 

I've watched Bus of being born and I'm getting ready to read Push, but any other good books/movies I can read and then maybe tell ppl to just go and read/watch themselves?


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 47 Old 12-03-2010, 02:44 PM
 
pearl2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 732
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This thread is current and nearly identical as far as responses you will get: 

 

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1277864/vent-so-tired-of-the-judgement


Mama to 2 little darling squooshy faces
pearl2 is offline  
#3 of 47 Old 12-03-2010, 07:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Yes, thank you. I saw that one but still just needed a vent of my own. I know it's almost exactly like that one but so didn't want to hijack her thread so I posted my own. I did read the responses and they are alot of help but I still feel very frustrated and stressed. I guess it doesn't help that my DH isn't fully on board yet and tonight we talked and I found out he's less on board than about a week ago. greensad.gif


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#4 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 03:11 AM
 
cambridgebaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 32
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Pushed is a great book and I would also highly recommend "Born in the USA" by Dr. Marsden Wagner and Dr. Sears's "The Birth Book."  I hope you can overcome the negative reactions and feel confident in a homebirth!  Good luck!

cambridgebaby is offline  
#5 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 05:14 AM
 
HappyMommy2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,796
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

DH's are rarely on board at first.  Has he talked to your mw?  I let mine ask all of the horrible "what-if" questions about what she had seen, and what she had done in worst case scenarios.  That really gave my dh the confidence in homebirth.

 

Also - my dh wanted to hear that if we needed to go to the hospital, we would.  I knew I could birth at home, but for some reason he thought I would NEVER go to the hospital, even in an emergency.  Of course, my mw and I would do everything to avoid that scenario, but if there were major issues, I promised him we would go.  Hearing all the reasons for transfer and the fact that we could get there in time, was comforting to him.

 

I think you need to find a mantra for the nay-sayers and just repeat it until blue in the face. (something about your birth, your choice, your educated decision, birth is normal, don't need negativity, etc.)   Then pass the bean dip!

HappyMommy2 is offline  
#6 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 05:16 AM
 
HappyMommy2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,796
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Forgot to recommend books.

 

Gentle Birth Gentle Mothering

Baby Catcher

Ina's May's books

 

Watch vidoes of normal homebirths with dh so he knows what to expect.

HappyMommy2 is offline  
#7 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 07:38 AM
 
msmiranda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 412
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Yeah, my advice would have been not to tell anyone beforehand.  We didn't and it made it so much easier just to call and announce the birth, then when people asked things like "when did you come home from the hospital?" we said, "well, actually ..."  No one could protest because it was a done deal.  But we don't have any family who live near us, so it was easy to keep it from everyone.

 

At this point, I think you need to shut down the conversation with everyone except your DH.  Tell them you appreciate their concern, but you've done your research and this is the right decision for your family, and you do not wish to discuss it further unless they have an open mind.  I don't know how much practice you have standing up to your family, but leaving the situation or hanging up the phone and deleting emails unread could all be good habits to get into.  I'm a firm believer in drawing certain boundaries with family, especially where there are differences of opinion regarding children.  They did what they thought was best for their children, now it is your turn.

 

If anyone actually showed an interest in learning about the topic, you could show them the research.  This is a good link that collects the studies:

 

The Medical Literature on the Safety of Home Birth

 

It doesn't sound like your folks (except DH) are in this category, but they may come around later.  Or, they may come around after a successful homebirth.  Or, they may never come around.  I am so sorry that they are causing you stress.  Your first obligation is to protect yourself and your baby, though, so some distancing may be in order for the time being.


SAHM to Bird (6/07) and Bear (7/09), and now enjoying our newest additionbabyboy.gif, born June 1, 2011!  bfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifsigncirc1.gifcd.gif

msmiranda is offline  
#8 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 11:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thanks mamas. I really appreciate the resources. I'll try and find all of those books at the library or elsewhere. That link will hopefully be good for DH. Yes, we've talked with the mw and he asked lots and lots of questions. He knows we can go to the hosp if needed. He says in his gut he just feels like this isn't the right decision. I'm so upset right now. I feel like I can't even talk to him. It's like he's completely taking away something that should be in my power to do. I'm the one that has to birth this baby and I do NOT want to do it at a hosp! At least not without trying at home first. What makes this so hard for him is that he wants more time to think it over but we have to commit with the mw NOW. There are very few in my state and they're spread out. The one that I'm comfortable with is a county away. She was the mw for several friends and aquaintances of mine. So it's not like I can just find one when he's finally made up his mind. And on top of that our local hosp has a laboring tub but I can not use it since I'm a vbac. Even tho I've had a succesful one already. So I'd have to go into the hosp to deliver just like I did with my other two and I just don't want to do that. I want to be in the comfort of my own home. With just my family, mw and a couple friends for support. I don't want a bunch of strangers this time. I don't think he realizes how instinctual birthing is. And I guess I understand that since he's not the one preg. But when I talk about it it's like he doesn't really believe me. I just pray that he can put aside some of his worries and see my side of this.

 

We have watched the Business of being born together and he was coming around after that movie. Started asking questions like "so, if we have a homebirth what do we do about the kids" or "what's our backup plan?". He's not comfortable with the on-call dr being the one we'd use at the hosp. *sigh*.....so sorry for the huge long vent again. I'm just so upset right now.


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#9 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 11:57 AM
 
Chamomile Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West of the Sierras East of the Sea
Posts: 2,781
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Mama its your body your choice.  As for your family I would simply tell them that they do not have the right to express their opinion to you anymore.  Especially since they have never attended a homebirth.  Support or nothing....fearmongering to a pregnant woman is morally repugnant.

 

As for your husband, tell him that you are going to employ the midwife, period.  He still has time to do research and no contract is ever set in stone.

Chamomile Girl is offline  
#10 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 12:05 PM
 
sosurreal09's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 3,400
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

doesn't you're mother know everyone used to give birth at home- not so long ago? im so sick of everyone's "risk" garbage!! it drives me nuts how "risky" it is to birth a child....seriously. yeah it can be risky for someone who got drugged and cant feel from the waste down! if you have a birth drug free you know whats going on in you're body period. my whole labor i knew where my baby was and i felt confident. if i felt something was wrong i would have taken action. mother's instincts are far more valid than a Drs IMO. im sure with you're first two births you had instincts about what was happening.

 

its you're birth and you're experience. i would say DO NOT let any of them come to the birth b/c they will only freak you out. you need to mentally seperate yourself from the comments. maybe try hypnobirthing early and just do the home course 2x before the birth. it REALLY helped me with everything.

 

Good luck mama and im so sorry you have to deal with this. hug2.gif


 Young born-again mama and loving wife peace.gif to DH jammin.gif and SAHP to two crazy girls dust.gifwehomebirth.jpgfly-by-nursing2.gifslinggirl.giffamilybed1.gif and believe gd.giflactivist.gif  signcirc1.gif !

sosurreal09 is offline  
#11 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 12:06 PM
 
kawa kamuri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,845
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

doesn't you're mother know everyone used to give birth at home- not so long ago? 



true story.


Boys: 12/94, 1/99, 11/03, 6/11. Girls: 11/06, 10/09, 12/12 2ndtri.gif

 
       

kawa kamuri is offline  
#12 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 12:26 PM
 
weliveintheforest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 5,521
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm not sure what to do about your dh, but with your mother and BIL, it's time to establish some boundaries.  They need to know that their comments are not welcome and that it is not okay to treat you like that.


BC Mum of four ('05, '07, '11 and 06/14!)     
weliveintheforest is offline  
#13 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 04:38 PM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)

I LOVED Pushed.  


macandcheese likes this.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#14 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 05:25 PM
 
lyndie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post

Mama its your body your choice.  As for your family I would simply tell them that they do not have the right to express their opinion to you anymore.  Especially since they have never attended a homebirth.  Support or nothing....fearmongering to a pregnant woman is morally repugnant.

 

As for your husband, tell him that you are going to employ the midwife, period.  He still has time to do research and no contract is ever set in stone.

 

yeahthat.gif The extended family really needs some boundaries!  You have every right to tell them where they can shove their opinions.  The fearmongering gets me all fired up... if it's not health "professionals" who are supposed to have our best interests in mind, it's our own darn families.. ugh!  You hire your midwife and follow YOUR instincts.  It's not your DH that's pregnant afterall. winky.gif


Blissful wife & momma, so in love w/DD 5.2.2011 & DS 10.31.13 homebirth.jpgfly-by-nursing2.gif 
lyndie is offline  
#15 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 06:50 PM
 
Darasings's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

To all those mamas-to-be:  you'll know in your heart what is right for you and your baby.  I had three homebirths 25, 20 and 18 years ago on Long Island, NY.  My husband, my invited friends, my midwife and her assistant were there the entire time for me.  I was never left alone unless I requested it for a little while.  I felt that I had a loving. attentive, supportive and talented community around me at all times.  Before deciding the first time, I had a friend who had tried for a home birth the year before, but needed to be transported during the pushing stage, where her son was born shortly in the hospital thereafter.  She gave me the idea to research having a home birth.  The only book that I remember being available 26 years ago was "Spiritual Midwifery", so I read that cover to cover.  I was coached in the "Bradley" method, and that worked well for me. 

     My mother was shocked at my decision at first, but she knew I was quietly determined to do what I felt was best.  I had to fight my insurance company all three times to have them cover the cost which was substantially less than what a hospital birth would have cost.  They eventually covered the expenses all three times.

     What I see going on now, however, as opposed to what went on in the late 1980's and early 1990's, is the monitoring of blood sugar and blood pressure numbers to what I feel are artificially "normal" levels.  I had a successful first homebirth with a blood pressure of 150/100 (and higher, I'm sure, during actual labor.) That would be unheard of today.  And I can't tell you my blood sugar numbers because they were never taken at anytime during my pregnancies.  I had a sonogram done once and that was a week before the due date with my third child, my son, and that was because he was transverse at 39 weeks. (He spent the next week turning just before delivery, and since he was almost a 10 lb baby, I felt it all happen!)

    I know my body.  I tighten up the few times I've had to be in the hospital for other things.  I was relaxed and in control at home.   Also with my third, labor started, the birthing team arrived, and then labor stopped about 8 hours later.  The birthing team went home, I went about my business with my seven-year-old and two-year-old, and re-started labor about a day later.

    Would these things be "allowed" to happen today with all the medical interventions that we do now?  I don't know.  I also won't lie to you and say that they were quick and easy births.  They were labor;  I worked hard.  But none lasted over 12 hours (with the exception of my 2-part labor for my son!)  I'm glad I did what I did.  My children are all healthy and have grown into wonderful adults.  And I know I made the right choice from the very start.

Darasings is offline  
#16 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 07:04 PM
 
labortrials's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,663
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm not really planning on talking about my birth choices with people.  Very few people have the self control to respect an educated decision that varies from the norm.  Fact of the matter is that I don't know of an OB in my town who will attend a VBAmC at the hospital.  Since the medical community won't offer me this reasonable service (hello, revised AGOC bulletin?!), I have no problem going forward with my home plans.  Frankly, I doubt I'd be successful having this baby at the hospital anyway - pushing in the cold brightly-lit surgical suite, CFM, OB required to be in house the entire time, yada yada.  Of course I'll go in if my midwife thinks it's necessary.

 

Regarding your DH - he has plenty of time to get on board.  And really, it's his responsibility to do so.  There is plenty of evidence that homebirth is a reasonable choice for many many many women and their babies.  The Business of Being Born was the movie that brought my hubby around.  He's become QUITE an outspoken critic of the obstetric industry.  Maybe your DH just needs some space.  If he nees to read something more "scienmatific," then Wagner's book is what I recommend hands down.  Pushed would be good for you to read, but I don't think he should read that first since it's written by a journalist.  He might perceive it as a bit polemic.

 

I think I'm going to get Spiritual Midwifery though I'm not too impressed with the Farm's VBAC policies last time I checked.

 

Good luck.  Keep talking.  We get it.


Kimberly, mom & wife - blogging.jpg about pregnancy and birth
DD 2004; 3 angel1.gif babies 2007-08; rainbow1284.gif twin DDs 2009; DD 7/12/11 hospital uhoh3.gif VBAC bouncy.gifafter 2 cesareans!

labortrials is offline  
#17 of 47 Old 12-04-2010, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My biggest problem with getting DH on board is not whether it'll happen eventually or not...it's that my mw needs to know NOW if we're going to do this or not. He's one that when he commits to something, it's with the intention of following thru on it. And she doesn't have priveledges at our local hosp(she's in the next county) so there's no point in hiring her if we're not going to do a hb. So, we're supposed to be meeting with her on Monday but he is kinda freakin b/c he doesn't feel that he can say "yes" right now. He's super busy with work and he was taking a class so he hasn't had any time to do some reading or research. I'm hoping that I can call her and ask to reschedule our appt for the following week and that by that time he'll have done some more reading. He says that he doesn't think I know enough of the facts of the hosp side, and I'm like what else do I need to know??

 

My heart, gut and everything else is telling me that this is the way I need to go and what I need to do. I have every faith that all will be fine, no matter what happens.


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#18 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 07:11 AM
 
MegBoz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 2,063
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mdnaturalmama View Post
 I guess it doesn't help that my DH isn't fully on board yet and tonight we talked and I found out he's less on board than about a week ago. greensad.gif


First off, howdy neighbor!

 

Oooh, do you think there's any chance that he is less on board BECAUSE of the stress you're getting from family? If so, that would really tick me off!! I think I'd say something to family explicitly about that, something along the lines of, "*I* am confident, but DH is being a bit more of a Nervous Nelly on things - which is normal! Birth IS something to be nervous about, wherever you give birth. And THANKS TO YOU, he is now stressing over the HB plans. I really don't appreciate you causing some added stress for him and CAUSING STRESS IN MY MARRIAGE because now he's torn between SCIENCE AND FACTS that I've presented him with and EMOTIONAL FEAR-MONGERING that he's getting from you!"

 

OK, a little harsh, I'd probably tweak the phrasing, but I'd confront my family members on that one. It is often hard enough getting a DH on board with HB, but if I had my family making that task even harder, I'd be pissed!

 

We too are not telling parents in advance. Perhaps you could throw at them, "I was considering not telling you in advance. Now I'm regretting my decision to be honest with you about my choices." If I were your family, I would personally find that a hurtful statement (although totally true & you'd be totally justified in saying it!) perhaps if they step back & realize that, you are being open & honest and inviting them into your life with your honesty, and they are reacting so horribly - maybe they'll realize how awful their actions are, feel a little guilt, and back off?

 

Because, as you could say, "I'm an adult now and I'm going to make up my own mind. & it's simply inevitable that I'll make some choices you disagree with. I love you & respect your opinions, so I am happy to hear what you have to say. But there's nothing you can say anti-HB that I don't already know (because I've done a TON of research.) So I don't want to hear it anymore. If you can't respect my choice and "agree to disagree" then perhaps we can't have an open & honest dialogue as 2 adults." [In other words - I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU what I'm doing, and I'm going to, sorta, shut you out of my life a little bit."

 

Again, that might shake them up. Might make them realize the potential consequences of their actions-- that you shut them out of your life somewhat.

 

Now that your parents DO know, I personally would worry about what happened if I transferred. I KNOW I would hear, "Oh THANK GOD YOU TRANSFERRED! OH what would have happened if you didn't transfer?!?! I can't believe you tried to stay home in the first place." While this isn't quite an "I told you so" it is a testament to how HB "failed" and shouldn't ever be attempted in the first place. I don't want that & I wouldn't need it (since, obviously transferring in and of itself would be stressful & disappointing enough - I wouldn't need that sh!! on top of it after the fact!) That is my primary reason for not telling our parents in advance.

 

So rather than putting too much effort into 'selling' your family on HB, I would at least try to sell them on the idea that transferring is NOT a "failure" of HB and is NOT "proof" that HB is dangerous & insane! It is an escalation of care the same way a general practitioner would transfer to an oncologist if a problem arose. That doesn't mean that GP "failed" - it's how medical care is supposed to work!

 

Not only that, but if you transferred at any point, you should be commended for making the right choice - for doing something you didn't want to do because you know it's in the best interest of you and/or baby. Transferring will have BEEN THE RIGHT CHOICE - again, not "proof' that HB failed or you were reckless for attempting it! NOT transferring at signs of need for transfer is the reckless choice - so being treated like I was reckless if I DID transfer would really piss me off too.

 

As for DH, you are uncomfortable with the hospital (TOTALLY understandable) & he is uncomfortable with HB -- somewhat understandable as well. As I always say on this issue, it really is truly difficult to overcome the cultural indoctrination most of us Americans have received our entire lives that birth is dangerous & needs "management" by docs in hospitals. Compound that with family pressures & it's really difficult to allow the intellectual realization to overcome the emotional fears. I get that, I really do.

 

So the result?? One of you has to compromise.

Um, yeah, it shouldn't be YOU who compromises! LOL. Common sense dictates that.


First of all, you're the one who has to give birth, so you get priority right there - your decisions should carry more weight. (I do think his input should be part of the decision-making process, but a smaller part.)

 

But second of all - literally - you must be emotionally comfortable for birth to go well! Your emotional comfort has an impact on the physiological progress of the event! Whereas his doesn't. (OK, if he's REALLY stressed, he could stress you, but assuming that's not the case - or assuming you mutually decide to just not have him present & watch the kids if he can't get truly on board.)

 

So, there you go, you win. ;)

 

As for "everyone used to HB not long ago." Um, yeah, true, and a lot more babies & women used to die in childbirth not long ago as well. So I find that to be a poor argument. It is the safety HB NOW vs. Hospital birth NOW that is relevant. & I find it's best not to even mention an argument that could provide fuel for the fire to the opposition cuz they'll latch on to the issue like a rapid dog! Heck, once when I mentioned the awful state of modern American maternity care (no mention of HB), my BIL replied, "Well, much fewer women & babies die in CB now than a century ago!" WTF? Yeah, that is totally true. I'd never deny that fact. But how is that relevant?! It's comparing modern American maternity care to modern maternity care in other nations like the Netherlands that is what is relevant.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by mdnaturalmama View Post

He's super busy with work and he was taking a class so he hasn't had any time to do some reading or research.

 

<snip>

 

He says that he doesn't think I know enough of the facts of the hosp side, and I'm like what else do I need to know??


Ok, sorry, not to insult your DH, but this ticks me off - maybe there is something I'm missing, but it rings as very disrespectful. Why can't he TRUST YOU that you have done your research? if he hasn't had time to do research of his own, why is he doubting that you haven't done enough? On what possible grounds can he deem your current level of research "inadequate"?? It just strikes me as utterly disrespectful of YOUR ability to do research and YOUR ability to make informed choices.

 

On the contrary, he should be GRATEFUL that you've done the research since he doesn't personally have the time to do it! Divide & conquer- that's a great tool in having a successful partnership in life. I personally did very little research on vaccines, but my DH said he did lots so I was glad to say, "OK, great, I will defer to your decision! I've been so busy reading up on everything else, since YOU feel confident that you've researched the issue adequately, I'll leave the decisions up to you."

 

Now, that is not to say that I wouldn't have researched on my own if I felt so compelled, & then disagreed & debated with him if my resulting decisions were to differ. But I did not feel so compelled, I was GLAD to leave that one parenting issue un-researched & leave it in his hands. LOL, cuz I researched everything else to death! and actually, I DID do some research, just not enough in my judgment.


As another poster said, you can always back out with the MW. Worst case scenario, you are out some money you put down for a deposit. That's a better "worst case scenario" then NOT committing with the MW & risking that she books up for your due month & can't take you on, then you're left without choices. :( (Incidentally, if this is KW, I'm using her as well! If it's KC, I've heard tons of great things about her too.)

MegBoz is offline  
#19 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 11:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by MegBoz View Post

Incidentally, if this is KW, I'm using her as well! If it's KC, I've heard tons of great things about her too.


Hi! Yes, it is KW. Where are you located? I'm in Harford Co.

 

I think my DH just feels better if he can read things for himself. I am doing some reading now, and I've talked with LOTS of hbing mamas that I'm friends with, but I haven't done *that* much "research". We've talked with the MW, watched TBOBB, and now I'm in the process of getting thru some books, starting with "Hey! Who's having this baby anyway?". My chiropractor had a hb a couple years ago(and is prego and planning a second one-she sees KC) and her and I have talked ALOT. DH sees her too(well, it's her and her DH) and he actually asked last night whether she'd had one or not. I'm trying to get him to go in for an appt to get adjusted and talk with her DH about it. I think it would REALLY help him to talk with other DHs but he's such a poop head when it comes to socializing. I think he feels stupid or something. I tried to get him to go to KW's potluck a few weeks ago but he didn't want to. I think he'll go talk to our chiropractors tho. And I know they are both SO pro-hb and would just LOVE to talk with him.

 

I don't think my family is making him a whole lot more nervous or against hb. Since I've had an "emergency" csec before he's pretty much been skeptic from the begininng and we hadn't told any family. Acutally, I wasn't even going to tell my mother for a long time but somehow she found out. Ugh. And then she told just about everyone. So her bff was on me too. Thankfully most of the times I've taken crap from ppl he isn't around. Cause I certainly don't need them making him more nervous. And if I told my family to stop saying things b/c it was affecting him, they'd see that as a reason to continue saying stuff. As tho I'm keeping him in the dark to persuade him or something. From this point on I've decided that I'm not going to say anything to anyone else(besides those whom I know are all for it) b/c I just don't want to hear it anymore. I don't think he's told anyone in his family and I plan to keep it that way. When the baby's born we'll tell everyone. =)
 


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#20 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 01:07 PM
 
sara125's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 146
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My Mom is also a nurse and freaked out when I first told her. ...but fortunately, our midwife's backup doctor works at the best local hospital and has been working with our midwife for 15 years. He's in his 50's and very experienced. When I met with him, he said the only time he'd had a problem with a HB was when the woman didn't listen to the midwife. He said otherwise they're great! Once I told my Mom about that, she really calmed down.

 

In the end, they're either going to get it or they're not. It sucks, but hopefully they'll come around.


Joyfully married to my luv (6/7/09) blowkiss.gif / Early loss at 11w3d w/ Minerva (6/23/10) angel1.gif / Beautiful breech homebirth.jpg w/ Aurora Jan (5/29/11) / Due with our son in April 2014
sara125 is offline  
#21 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 03:28 PM
 
Partaria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Wisconsin, Baby!
Posts: 560
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hi Mama,

I was the one who started the "so tired of the judgement thread." I totally hear where you're coming from.

 

And I am sorry this is happening for you. When I decided I wanted a homebirth, I was so thrilled and enthusiastic about it. When people in my life didn't seem to share this enthusiasm, and in fact, sort of rounded on me with anger and fear, I felt like someone doused me with a bucket of ice water. It doesn't feel good. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

 

But don't forget that there is a legion of other women out there who support homebirth, many of whom have HAD homebirths and talk about it with joy. Many of these fantastic women are here at MDC, and like someone said in the other thread, we are always here for you.

 

I wish you luck and joy in whatever route you choose. But I encourage you to stick to your guns about homebirthing. I know it can be hard to do that. I have wanted to give up so many times just to avoid the b.s. But then I think back on so many stories I've read about birth being important and empowering, and I cannot allow myself to bow to the fears of others for such an important crucial moment in my experience of womanhood. Mama, so much that we do matters more than we realize. How we react to strangers we pass in the street matters to our community, the foods we support with our grocery money affect the planet, on and on. And I cannot say this one enough, how we birth MATTERS (credit to Kim Wildner for that last bit).

 

You shouldn't HAVE to fight for the birth that you want. It saddens me that so many of us must do that. But from everything I have been told, it is so worth it.

 

I can understand that your DH has fears. And I know his opinion is important, as well as his support, which you of course want and need. But this isn't his birth. He isn't delivering this child. No one is doing that but you. I know you said his gut tells him this isn't a good idea. But frankly, your gut wins out on this one. It's the one closest to the baby. ;)

 

There are loads of resources on MDC that can help you figure out ways to help bring him around. Different books, films, checking out homebirth groups, etc. So I know you will get plenty of feedback on that. But aside from trying to sway him, please also take time to care for yourself. Congratulate yourself for taking the time to educate yourself on what the best options are for you and your sweet baby. It is very easy and requires minimal effort to simply give your birth and care over to the medical establishment. In that case, you would be told what to do, or it would be done to you at all times. By choosing to research on your own, seek out alternative options, you are doing a lot more, well, work. And it's motivated by your love for this child and your respect for yourself. You are already striving to be an involved and aware parent, even while your baby is in the womb. That is amazing. You are amazing. Feel proud.

 

MegBoz likes this.

"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife

Partaria is offline  
#22 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 05:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Partaria, thank you! Your words were so wonderful! I know there is lots of support here, and I'm so grateful. There are no homebirthing groups in my county, but I do have alot of friends who've had hbs. I'm already planning on having a get together next month with anyone who's had one or wants to learn more. I'm kind of pushing the "it's MY body and more MY choice" with DH but I know I can't completely push him out of the way. If something(God forbid) did happen, he would NEVER forgive me, and I know that. So he has to be at least mostly on board. And my gut tells me that he will be with time. I just keep talking about it and showing him the books that I'm reading. I'll be reading a few lines from the one I'm reading right now to him tonight. Great facts that I just can't keep to myself. ;)


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#23 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 07:19 PM
 
MandyGail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 95
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Im SOO happy that you found mothering.com:)  You got some great responses here that echoed some of the things i've already said.  Wishing you peace so that you can stop stressing out about all this & focus on growing that beautiful baby! 


Mama to Jocelyn 3/04-5/04, Lucy 3/05, Nate 1/07, Tessa 5/09 , due 12/2011!!!

MandyGail is offline  
#24 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 08:14 PM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)

I just saw that you are in MD.  I am too and there are a lot of folks out there -- they just seem to not wear it on their sleeve the way it is in other areas.  I'm not sure what style your DH is but I would recommend proof reading some of the books first.  For instance I liked Pushed and love all my old infant development text books and, although I totally respect Ina May, I really don't like her books.  I was raised by kind of hippie dippie parents too and find Ina May far too groovy.  My mom who read Ina May for my birth still jokes about the language used in Spiritual Midwifery - in fact she just joked about it today.  

 

OTOH, you could also research a style of book you think your DH would like and let him read it first and feedback to you.  There is certainly something to be said for letting him discover some stuff on his own.  Perhaps he would like a scientific journal on homebirth after a c-section.  I'm sure they're out there.  

 

What style resource do you think he would like?  

 

I would tell you he could talk to my DH but we had a transfer with my DC's birth and, although DH is totally into the idea that birth should happen at home under normal circumstances, I think he was a bit traumatized by us rushing to the hospital while crowning!  :LOL   


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#25 of 47 Old 12-07-2010, 08:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thanks Mandy. I'm so grateful to have you to help me!! =)

 

Identitycrisismama, I think DH would like to read more fact-based things. I'm reading "Hey! Who's having this baby anyway?" and read him a study that was quoted in the book and I think he liked that. It was a study by a Dr Mehl that compared X number of HBs to X number of hosp births and just said what the increases for 'bad' things in the hosp births was. Compelling arguement for Hbing. I think if I could present him with TONS of info like that he would get better. I'm also thinking that he's never going to be absolutely 100% on board with this, that he'll always have worries, and that's ok. That's the point where I'll have to, gently, say that what I want and feel weighs more. But he needs those researched facts first. I've emailed him some links to studies done. It's just a matter of him getting his class done and getting a chance to look thru them. =)


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#26 of 47 Old 12-08-2010, 04:52 AM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)

I tend to be fact based too so I'll see what I can find.  If he's a student, you could honor that a bit by asking him if he can access the Uni database for journal articles.  To me that's a huge perk to being a student and it will give him a way to feel more actively involved.  

 

Re: the decision -- I think most things are not evenly 50/50 weighted but you can still come to a joint decision, yk?  I have actually had discussions with my DH that involved percentages and we do the 101% goal.  One person can be 79% and, if the other is, 22% we're a go.  Perhaps (after you've both had some time for reading) you can talk with him about what percentage he is for HM vs. Hospital birth and you can start talking from there.  

 

Good luck!!  


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#27 of 47 Old 12-08-2010, 06:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thats a good idea but he just takes a class or two at our local comm coll...lol. i like the percentage thing too. Ill have to give him some time and then maybe try that. smile.gif

~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#28 of 47 Old 12-08-2010, 08:18 AM
 
Partaria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Wisconsin, Baby!
Posts: 560
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

If he likes evidence based stuff (facts and numbers), maybe try having him read Pushed by Jennifer Block. I'm considering buying for my homebirth-prejudiced scientist parents. I think it will really speak to them about what's lacking our current mainstream maternity system.

 

One thing I wanted to mention, mama, when I read this:

 

Quote:
If something(God forbid) did happen, he would NEVER forgive me, and I know that.

 

Have you thought about how you will feel if, (as you say, god forbid) you end up giving up your birth choices for DH, and end up with a traumatic birth experience that you then have to heal from, emotionally and physically?

 

An HB doesn't guarantee a perfect birth, of course, but it does give you a louder voice and more control. It allows you to make your own decisions, so that no matter what happens during your birthing time, that you will be able to look back on it without regrets, and with peace, knowing that you were not silenced and your dignity was not assaulted. And if you give in to DH's wishes and don't get the birth you wanted (which sadly is somewhat likely in institutionalized settings like hospitals), say, for example, the Pitocin tango sends you into a c-section you wouldn't have needed, will you be able to forgive his role in that outcome? Will he be able to forgive himself for not listening to you? I'm not trying to be doom and gloom, but I just wanted to bring that up as food for thought.

 

I feel like mamas so often are told that homebirth is some kind of selfish choice, and that if anything 'goes wrong,' she should feel at fault for insisting on an HB. But what about hospital interventions and power dynamics sending you off for an unneeded c-section or forcing an epidural on you that leaves you with lasting nerve problems? Those things can also 'go wrong,' and are the result of someone else's birth choice for you to be at the hospital.

 

If you got in a car crash tomorrow, would anyone say it's all your fault because you chose to drive that day? No. And you would be rushed to a hospital for what a hospital does best- provide emergency care in life-threatening situations. Birth in and of itself isn't life threatening. You will go there if, in a very unlikely event, your birth becomes an emergency.

 

When arguing with me about HB, my father said this:

 

"Why wouldn't you just go to the da** hospital, just in case??"

 

and I said

 

"Why don't you go to the hospital every time you have a headache, just in case it's a blood clot in your brain? It's because that's extremely unlikely and being at a hospital for a headache is like (as Woody Allen would say) swatting a fly with a Buick. IMO, being at a hospital for a birth is also exactly like swatting a fly with a Buick."

 

Stay strong. You are the one, mama, who will have to live with the memory of how you birthed. Remember that if that memory, god forbid, isn't joyous or is downright traumatic, that too is going to produce emotional fallout. A hospital birth doesn't promise you that no one will have anything they need to forgive the other for.


"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife

Partaria is offline  
#29 of 47 Old 12-08-2010, 09:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
mdnaturalmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Partaria, ITA with you. Unfortunately, I know DH would NOT be upset with himself if I birthed in a hosp and just didn't get the birth that I wanted. His take on my csec is completely different than mine. He doesn't entirely agree that it most likely would not have been needed, had we done a hb that time, or just done things differently. Even tho my MW said that IN THAT CASE yes, a csec was my best option. B/c I'd had an epi and couldn't move, etc. After reading what I just did in my book about what epis and other drugs do to your labor I think that had things been started differently I would not have wound up in surgery. But, if I did again, I don't think it would upset him. I think he would see it as what was needed to save the baby was done. While I would be very upset and have to heal physically and emotionally. Trust me, the thought that he could "tell" me what I can and can't do when it's MY BODY and MY BIRTH is so frustrating. But if he's not enough on board, then I just know he'll fight me on it. I still hope that reading more and hearing more of what I'm reading will convince him that a HB really is the safer and better way...at least to start. Which is why I'm looking for more and more facts, studies, etc for him to read/hear.

 

What you told you father, to me, makes perfect sense. But I think it's going to take a little more time(and books, studies, etc) for DH to really think that way. =)

 

I really do wish that I could go back in time, and that this was my first pregnancy and I was doing/reading and knew what I am now. I should've educated myself SO much more back then. And I'm so mad that the health system is the way it is and no one ever told me to do so! I mean, I didn't have really any friends who were moms(yet) so how was I supposed to know?? New pregnant moms should be told to do this stuff.


~Christy, wife to M and mother to M and A, expecting baby #3 in May 2011 Planning our first HBAC!
mdnaturalmama is offline  
#30 of 47 Old 12-08-2010, 12:10 PM
 
Gucci&Granola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 144
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


 

Quote:

Originally Posted by mdnaturalmama View Post

 

Unfortunately, I know DH would NOT be upset with himself if I birthed in a hosp and just didn't get the birth that I wanted. His take on my csec is completely different than mine. He doesn't entirely agree that it most likely would not have been needed, had we done a hb that time, or just done things differently.

 


First of all hugs.  Second, I am not trying to offend or belittle in any way, but the dynamic in your marriage sounds EXTREMELY problematic to me.  Your husband has done no independent research regarding labor and delivery, is incapable of getting pregnant or delivering a baby, and will not be the one recovering from any unnecessary medical interventions. Despite all this, he somehow still feels qualified to not only share his opinion but to try and influence yours based on absolutely nothing.

 

Birth trauma is far more complicated and nuanced than simply "not getting the birth you want".  Women can spend years recovering from feelings of violation, manipulation, and self loathing due to traumatic births.  The fact of the matter is, you are this baby's mother.  You are most likely to have a positive birth outcome (including the health of yourself and your baby) in an environment in which you feel most comfortable.  Your first responsibility as a mother is to create an environment in which to open your body and birth your baby that feel safe to YOU because that baby's little heart beat will be linked with yours throughout the entire delivery. 

 

On the one hand, I'm sure your DH is just scared because you loves you and the baby very much and wants the best possible outcome.  On the other hand, it is not your job to convince him that you know what is best (which you do based on the physical reality of carrying the child and all of the research you have done).  I'm not sure why you should feel more obligated to assuage his fears than he feels in helping you cope with one of the scariest and most monumental tasks that you have ever taken on as a woman. 

 

It seems perfectly reasonable to provide him with reading materials and leave it at that.  If he doesn't take the time to prioritize reading them on his own you can hardly be held at fault. 

 

Right now you should be focusing on yourself, your labor, and the health of your baby.  I am also planning a homebirth (and this will be our first baby).  Although I have been lucky with the support of my immediate family, extended family and society have been typically skeptical.  Here are a few things that I have done that have helped me to create a little cocoon of positive birthing energy for me and the baby: 

 

  1. Take candlelit baths incorporating breathing exercises, aromatherapy, and music.  I plan to labor partially in my bathtub and have found that making a peaceful scene while bathing helps me to visualize those conditions during labor and prepare mentally.
  2. Picture yourself laboring around your house.  When you are in a particular room or space, picture what it might be like to have a contraction in it.  What feels comfortable or uncomfortable about the room?  Are there things that you can do to make the space more conducive to labor?  Are their areas or pieces of furniture that you can use as props that may have not occurred to you before?
  3. Make a birthing altar (if this does not conflict with your belief system).  It doesn't have to be anything elaborate.  Mine is simply a wooden tv table in the nursery covered in a cloth with pictures of my female family members (mother, grandmother, aunt) who have given birth successfully, a candle to light, and a few small baby things that belonged to me and my husband as children.  When I feel scared or alone I light the candle, look at the objects, and remind myself that there is a long line of strong women through history who have given birth naturally in the safe space of their own homes.

 

It sounds like you are doing great overall.  I am impressed with your strength, your resolve, and the power to trust your own intuition in the face of doubt and skepticism.  Good luck and feel free to ask me any questions if you have them.


Mama~Blogger~Artist~Homemaker. Family = DH (married 6 years), baby Elinor, and our puppy Frances.
novaxnocirc.gif    dog2.gif  homebirth.jpg    mdcblog5.gif

Gucci&Granola is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off