Why am I such a private person?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 01-19-2011, 10:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I here so many stories of people having others over during labor or letting people know they are in labor, but for some reason I can't do it.

 

For instance, DH suggested that we call his mom when I am in labor to look after the kids. But I don't even want her to know I am in labor as I feel all eyes and ears will be waiting for me to finish and that feels like pressure for me. I know she would call his bro. and wife to let them know and even if she doesn't I just don't like feeling under pressure..it could be just me but that is how I feel.

 

I also wonder what she will do with them, because I would not want her to enter the apt. while I am in labor and the weather is cold outside right now.

 

To top it off all my labors have been pretty fast(2hours w/ DS, 5 1/2 w/ DD but only last 20minutes was bad) and I pray so is this one. For DD birth DS slept through it since I delivered around 1:30am and DS was 12:30am. There is always the chance they maybe away but I was thinking DS can just watch a movie and DH can just hold DD as she is only going to be 23months and wouldn't remember it. I don't mind if DS wants to see eighter as I don't believe he will be dramatize by it, I think he will be more excited to see the baby when he comes out. He will just be asking DH alot of questions.

 

So am I reading to much into having MIL come for the kids.

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#2 of 22 Old 01-19-2011, 10:38 AM
 
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I don't like letting people know I am in labor either. I was reluctantly had DH call my mom when I was in labor with DD2 and only because our house was so cold that day and the woodstove would take a while to really get going and I wanted to borrow her space heater. I knew that once she knew she would be over, watching DD1, and while she is a help and stays out of my way, I still don't want anyone in my my house. 

 

Same with DS's birth, she had to of known that something was off that day because she kept calling and I was refusing to let DH tell her I was in labor. I finally said that she would come over, and once again it was fine, she stayed downstairs and helped with the 2 kids but I still didn't want her knowing. So I understand perfectly!


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#3 of 22 Old 01-19-2011, 10:38 AM
 
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I am the same! I don't feel good about being watched by anybody during labor, and feel it would interfere with the process. When I went into labor with my son, I did let a friend know, but I had to switch my phone off because I wanted total peace. We are all different, and have unique needs in labor. Perhaps a party birth is great for some, but not for me, and apparently not for you, either.

 

If you want childcare in labor, would you feel OK with MIL coming to pick your kids up and taking them to her home, if she lives nearby?


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#4 of 22 Old 01-19-2011, 10:46 AM
 
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I totally understand how you feel.  The first time around I didn't tell anyone (other than DH and my midwives) I was in labor until after the baby was born.  I didn't even call work until after he was born, which was 4 hours after my normal work day started.  It's interesting, because I'm super close to my mom and MIL and sister and friends, but I just didn't want anyone to know until it was done. 

 

This time, I am feeling a little more accepting of having people there although I am still somewhat hesitant.  I *really* super badly want pictures from labor through to well after the birth and my sister would be perfect for this.  I still get worried that her intermittent presence in the bedroom will distract me, but if I want pictures, I have to at least give it a shot. Also, not sure about what to do with DS.  Even if labor starts at night, we still co-sleep so he'd probably end up awake anyway.  I do plan to have my mom come and care for him as soon as he needs it. 

 

It's hard to let people be part of such a private moment. 

 

(Sorry, was going to type more, DH is calling me to go to lunch!)


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#5 of 22 Old 01-19-2011, 11:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MittensKittens View Post

I am the same! I don't feel good about being watched by anybody during labor, and feel it would interfere with the process. When I went into labor with my son, I did let a friend know, but I had to switch my phone off because I wanted total peace. We are all different, and have unique needs in labor. Perhaps a party birth is great for some, but not for me, and apparently not for you, either.

 

If you want childcare in labor, would you feel OK with MIL coming to pick your kids up and taking them to her home, if she lives nearby?



This is what DH was more likely saying because I told him I wouldn't want her comming in the house, but like I said just the thought of her knowing makes me feel under pressure and I would want to take our phones off, then I have to tell her don't go spreading the news to her other son and wife.

 

The next thing is the way how my labors has been in the past by the time she comes down I might be already pushing (she lives about 1 hour away) or by the time she reaches I would be nearly done. DD also would not be willing to go as easily with her as DS might me and then I might worry how DD is doing.

 

Just a experience of why I don't like some people to know...A few years ago when DH brother wife was in labor and I was at MIL house, she called a number and handed me the phone and guess who she called..her DIL who was in labor and handed ME the phone so it can look like I called..I was like WTF..I don't care for talking to people who is in labor. I was still kind of new to the family and didn't want to make a scene about it but that was really sneaky.

 

I really think I would prefer the kids jumping all over me than someone calling me to see how things are going/moving along.

 

Oh yea..my mom was at DS birth because she was staying by me..as she came up to have a hysterectomy done (so lives on an island). I also didn't want her there but had no choice but it worked out fine..she stayed in the living room and helped the midwife out in boiling water..I don't they I ever saw her and my birth was so fast and quick I didn't have time to think about anything else.

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#6 of 22 Old 01-19-2011, 07:24 PM
 
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Women are all different. Some are very private and others aren't. I'm not. I had my mom with me for both my births, and I invited MIL but she doesn't do well with people who are in pain, so she came for awhile while in labor but then took ds1 do the hotel pool and came back the next morning after I had ds2. It's a preferance and there is nothing wrong with being private.


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#7 of 22 Old 01-19-2011, 11:11 PM
 
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with DD my DF called my mom at some point before we went into the hospital, and she called the hospital to check up on me while I was pushing. banghead.gif

 

this time, my mom will be coming to sit with DD, because DD will be 22 months, and is very needy, and I need DF's attention on me when I'm laboring. though if I go into labor in the middle of the night we'll try just letting her sleep. 


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#8 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 03:04 AM
 
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I want two people to know when I go into labor. My best friend and my midwife. If we end up needing to take my daughter somewhere else, she's probably just going to go stay with a neighbor or my sister in law, and our phones are going to be off and my family knows that I'll call once the baby is born. I hope they remember from last time that calling me twice a day to ask if I've had the baby yet is a straight ticket to me screening my calls. I'm just going to explain to my in-laws that I don't want visitors or phone calls until we're "home from the hospital" (they don't know I'm having a homebirth!) and they should respect that.

 

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#9 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 08:30 AM
 
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Right there with ya... I am the same.  The only folks that knew I was in labor were myself, DH and my MW. 

 

Sounds to me that you'd prefer to have your other children there.  I would do just that.  I only have 1 child, but if it were me... I would prefer to have my children there so that I wasn't wondering how they are elsewhere and the fact you didn't have to call your MIL for their care... know one but your immediate family would know. 

 

I tend to worry about stuff and when I just let it go, DS usually goes right along with it.  My DS seems to know when I need space for "big" circumstances.  It is a crazy sixth sence I think that is intuitively in children. 


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#10 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 01:33 PM
 
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I'm the same way, too.  Apart from all of the other legitimate issues you have with this woman, exactly WHAT good would it do for her to know?  It's not like she can walk in the room and give you Pitocin....

 

For my HB, I networked around as hard as I could until I found a fourteen-year-old girl that we paid to watch my 2yo on-site.  The sitter's mother had birthed her other siblings at home, so she was already used to home birth.  DD was close enough at hand to share the experience when we were ready for her.  Anyway, that's one option worth looking into. 


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#11 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 04:02 PM
 
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I don't like people around me in labor & delivery, or even immediately post-partum, either. I'm not exactly modest, and am comfortable with nudity, but not interested in being naked in front of my in-laws.  They weren't invited to the conception after all!  And for the first several hours I need my new baby all to myself. 

I could have used more help than I got, though. I'm thinking with the new baby, I may make arrangements for someone to be the host/household caregiver, during the birth and for the first few weeks afterward. During the birth, I'd like someone there to help with my daughter who's 3, to feed everyone, to get the laundry going, to wash the pile of dirty dishes so the midwives can use the sink, to wipe down the toilet seat/bathroom floor, etc... And it would help a lot to have someone come for a few hours a few times a week after the new baby comes, to run errands, do shopping, help with food prep & housework. But not an in-law, those people stress me out.

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#12 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 04:20 PM
 
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I know how you feel. I'd rather not tell anyone except those I chose that day. Say, maybe a friend will call randomly and I might not mind telling her. Or a couple friends who are very supportive of me, I might want to tell them. One of those friends is who will come get DS for that day or even a couple of days. But I don't want my family to know because I mostly don't want them to worry if it starts to take longer than they think it would/should. Especially because we just switched to a hombirth for April, and they will be nervous anyway.  However, I want the prayer support from them. So, I think we'll tell them when I'm in active labor and the end is near, but not early on. Or, maybe it'll all happen at night anyway so we can wait to tell them at all, once the baby is born and they are up for the day, two hours ahead of us. If they happen to call when I'm in early labor, I'm not sure what we'll say. We're not comfortable lying, but I would be fine saying that I've been having some contractions and it will be some time before we know it's the real thing. I'll ask them to keep us in prayer and that we'll update them when needed and to leave us alone until then :). I think they'd respect that.

 

As for people being around, I only want those present who are directly involved with labor (my DH, doula and midwife). And regarding pp visitors, I haven't decided yet. We'd like a couple visitors in the hospital if we had stuck with that route, so there are a couple very supportive people from church who we'd be happy to have stop by. They'd be pretty respectful of my need for rest and keep it short. And my mom will come within a day or so to help which will be welcome.


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#13 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 04:30 PM
 
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Your post title reads as if you think that's a bad thing! It's perfectly fine and many, many women feel exactly the same way...including myself. I think that's much of the reason we're planning a UC, because I really don't want an audience at all, even supportive ones. I'm not afraid of nudity or anything like that, it's more the spiritual/energy space that I don't want disturbed. I don't want suggestions, nervousness, fluttering about, and so on. I also don't want people knowing, because to me there is an underlying pressure there, even if self-imposed. I keep envisioning this baby coming at night, when all are sleeping, hopefully keeping my vocalizations low as to not disturb the neighborhood (lol) and calling people in the morning having a baby at my breast, as if by magic lol


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#14 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 06:21 PM
 
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I feel the same way as you, hence why I'm planning the home birth route. I don't feel comfortable having lots strangers or family around me.  I'd prefer not to let anyone know when I go into labor until it's over.  Neither of our families live close so that is not an issue, but my hubby will have to call his work if he's scheduled to be in.  Thing is, no one else knows we're planning a home birth and I'm scared one of his co-workers who I'm friends w/ his wife, will want to come to the hospital...  I'm really hoping baby comes really early in the morning *fingers crossed*

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#15 of 22 Old 01-20-2011, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Your post title reads as if you think that's a bad thing! It's perfectly fine and many, many women feel exactly the same way...including myself. I think that's much of the reason we're planning a UC, because I really don't want an audience at all, even supportive ones. I'm not afraid of nudity or anything like that, it's more the spiritual/energy space that I don't want disturbed. I don't want suggestions, nervousness, fluttering about, and so on. I also don't want people knowing, because to me there is an underlying pressure there, even if self-imposed. I keep envisioning this baby coming at night, when all are sleeping, hopefully keeping my vocalizations low as to not disturb the neighborhood (lol) and calling people in the morning having a baby at my breast, as if by magic lol



I feel like it is at time. I think it maybe hard to explain to DH that just having his mom know will make me feel pressured and all the other things you said up there is basically what I like to avoid. For my two births my water broke with out any labor DS was 46 hours before labor started and DD 60..I would never tell anyone as I can just imagine all the comments, calling, ect.. I just wonder if at times I am overthinking it. Funny thing though is that I wouldn't mind someone esle like a pp mentioned comming and entertaining the children like a paid helper but once again I would proberly get looked at as being uptight because I would rather pay someone than have a family member do it for free...Oh well I guess that is just how I am..I have decided that DS can watch a movie if he is awake and DD can just hang around.. 

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#16 of 22 Old 01-21-2011, 06:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by averlee View Post

I don't like people around me in labor & delivery, or even immediately post-partum, either. I'm not exactly modest, and am comfortable with nudity, but not interested in being naked in front of my in-laws.  They weren't invited to the conception after all! 



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#17 of 22 Old 01-25-2011, 09:57 AM
 
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I get this!

 

My DH and his ex had his DD (now my step-daughter) at home.  They had stacks of people there: her mom, his mom, his dad, her SIL, doula, midwive, his 2.5 yo DS.  So fast forward 10 years, he's divorced, married me and we're expecting our first in Sept '11.  I am *considering* a HB (my first child) and he's like "cool, we can have DS and DD there and mom...".  And I'm like..."ummmm, no".  Much as I love my step-kids, I just don't want them there, not even in the house.  Some of it is a nudity thing and a noise thing, but mostly it's about this being a special time with my DH.  I only want to share it with him and the midwife.  No one else.  Not my parents, not his parents, not his kids, not the rest of his extended family.  He was kind of bummed.  He often forgets that his kids and I just don't have the level of intimacy that they share with him and their mother - much as I want it, they don't and I don't force it.  I also feel immense pressure that his ex did it all natural and had no issues and that I have to do the same.  In some strange way, it's this single fact that's making me leery of a HB.  I just don't want to follow in any of her footsteps - good or bad!  It's very silly - but there it is.  Phew!  Thanks for letting me vent.  We'll see what I eventually decide.

 

You know, I hadn't thought about the fact that letting people know would add pressure, but since you mentioned it, I can see it.  Yet another thing to consider :-)

 

I wish you luck on your journey!  You'll make the right decision for you!

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#19 of 22 Old 01-26-2011, 05:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I get this!

 

My DH and his ex had his DD (now my step-daughter) at home.  They had stacks of people there: her mom, his mom, his dad, her SIL, doula, midwive, his 2.5 yo DS.  So fast forward 10 years, he's divorced, married me and we're expecting our first in Sept '11.  I am *considering* a HB (my first child) and he's like "cool, we can have DS and DD there and mom...".  And I'm like..."ummmm, no".  Much as I love my step-kids, I just don't want them there, not even in the house.  Some of it is a nudity thing and a noise thing, but mostly it's about this being a special time with my DH.  I only want to share it with him and the midwife.  No one else.  Not my parents, not his parents, not his kids, not the rest of his extended family.  He was kind of bummed.  He often forgets that his kids and I just don't have the level of intimacy that they share with him and their mother - much as I want it, they don't and I don't force it.  I also feel immense pressure that his ex did it all natural and had no issues and that I have to do the same.  In some strange way, it's this single fact that's making me leery of a HB.  I just don't want to follow in any of her footsteps - good or bad!  It's very silly - but there it is.  Phew!  Thanks for letting me vent.  We'll see what I eventually decide.

 

You know, I hadn't thought about the fact that letting people know would add pressure, but since you mentioned it, I can see it.  Yet another thing to consider :-)

 

I wish you luck on your journey!  You'll make the right decision for you!



This is a tough one, I would feel like I was being put on a petastal (sp?) and that there would be comparing. So I wish you luck on your decision also.

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#20 of 22 Old 01-26-2011, 08:32 PM
 
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I was just talking with my MW about this earlier today.  All along I've pictured it only being my husband, myself, and the MWs...and possibly my older sister to take pictures. Recently I've been thinking that my MIL as well as my own mother might feel left out and want to be there as well and maybe I should involve them in this amazing experience.  The more I think about it though, I really don't want them there for the same reasons explained above.  

I've always been a private person and I'm also apprehensive because they might somehow hinder my labor. They are both moms from another era and both opinionated.  Neither of them had HBs so something might happen that would scare them. My MW said that it is often better not to have too many people in the room since it can change the mood.  If they do get nervous, anxious, worried, tired, etc. it can change the energy and make my labor much more difficult. After my discussion today, I have opted to go with my original plan...the one I am most comfortable with - me, my husband, and the MWs.  Oh, and our 2 cats.


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#21 of 22 Old 02-08-2011, 08:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well..baby ended up comming sooner than I thought. He was born Feb. 5th 6:55am. The kids slept through most of it but got up around 6:30am which is normal when we are not in the bedroom. So DH let DS(4 y.o) play on the computer and he held DD(21 months) to witness the birth. Not sure if DS saw anything as he was just behind the couch and he was present as soon as the baby came out. So it all worked out fine.

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#22 of 22 Old 02-08-2011, 02:19 PM
 
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Congrats!

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