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final chapter of the saga in post #108 (was "really conflicted about homebirth and need advice")

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8K views 119 replies 31 participants last post by  douladianne 
#1 ·
be forewarned, this might be long and scatter brained...

I have two personalities- my L&D nurse/see what bad can sometimes happen/have medically oriented peers/ not totally into HB husband and my crunchy/no vaxing/ no circing/cloth diapering/homebirth wannabe side. I come home and pour over Birthing From Within and forums like this and feel sure that I can do a hb if I could get DH on board. Then I go to work and occasionally see the complications that can happen with even normal deliveries and makes me feel like I'd be more comfortable in the hospital. How, OH HOW, do I choose!!!

Background- DS will be 23ish months when LO is born. My labor with DS was 6 hrs only, delivered in the hospital, with epidural, not unpleasant but not amazing. I was GBS positive and only got 1 dose because I was only there for 3 hrs before delivery. I'm completely low risk, normal BMI, no complications whatsoever. After DS was born I lamented about having the epidural for months because I really didn't want one but I think because I work there, they expected that I should know what I wanted. I didn't tell anyone I didn't want an epidural because I didn't want to look like a failure if I ended up with one after saying I didn't want one. I labored at home for 3 hrs, was 5cm/100% when I got there, was complete 2 hrs later then pushed for an hour. This time, everyone will know that they will be strangled if they do anything but help me deliver without an epidural. I'm not the kind of person to use a doula, I would need someone I know personally.

anyway... Im seeing my OB and I know this is totally chicken, but if I was able to talk DH into a homebirth, I think the way I would keep my work side from judging me (which Im scared of) would be to continue OB care as if I was going to deliver in the hospital and just pay a midwife out of pocket to do the home del then go to the hospital like it was an accident.

I know it's totally gutless but it just all feels so complicated still. I'm 17 weeks so I have some time to think about it. I dont have a large pool of midwives to choose from so maybe I should try to start there and see if I can even find one that I like first.

If you got this far, thank you for reading
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! Any advice or guidance is very appreciated!!

PS how does one start to look for a midwife anyway? the only one I know of that is also the closest, I'm not fond of.
 
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#77 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by amp View Post

I do not post much but really felt the need to reply to you. I am a NICU nurse turned SAHM so I completely understand your concerns over the "what if's." I had a hospital birth with #1 and a home birth with #2. I LOVED my homebirth but those concerns constantly were in my mind because of some things I would see at work. I'm pregnant with #3 now and I'm not sure what we are going to do this time. You really have to decide what YOU want and not listen to anyone else. I do want to say that even with my training I would have not been able to do a UC birth with an emergency. My nursing skills went out the window when I was in labor and I can't imagine doing that on my own especially if there was an emergency. Good luck with your decision.
I've come to think that myself. So I have definitely decided against UC.
I'm assuming that some time I'll KNOW without a doubt what I want to do. We'll see. Hearing everyone's opinions and questions does help me flush out what my real feelings are though.
 
#78 ·
Okay, here's a thought I had about your situation. Could you switch to Anna as your primary provider and continue to see your OB at the same time? Tell Anna that you want to work with her, but that you are uncomfortable with her backup. Explain that you will continue to see your OB and that you will not work with Mary during July, just your OB. If you deliver early, you will use your OB as backup and go to the hospital. Don't know if that would work or not, but it's an idea anyway.

These decisions are so hard - UGH!
 
#79 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by klemomma View Post

Okay, here's a thought I had about your situation. Could you switch to Anna as your primary provider and continue to see your OB at the same time? Tell Anna that you want to work with her, but that you are uncomfortable with her backup. Explain that you will continue to see your OB and that you will not work with Mary during July, just your OB. If you deliver early, you will use your OB as backup and go to the hospital. Don't know if that would work or not, but it's an idea anyway.

These decisions are so hard - UGH!
At first I thought that'd be a super great idea and it is probably my best/only option to have a home birth if I go long enough. But, if I see the midwife but end up transferring, except to her backup (whoever that might be), then I have to pay her $700 for the prenatal visits. I'm 25 weeks now so there wouldn't be a ton of them and somehow we overpaid uncle sam a bunch last year so will actually get a refund for the first time ever, but still, it's $700 and I doubt she'd prorate it.
UGH youre so right! These decisions are so hard!!! I've been on vacation for the last 10 days and haven't really thought much about it. I keep trying to picture my birthing day and can only bring up memories of my DS's birthday. I can see myself laboring in the water for at least some of labor but that's about it. I can picture accidentally delivering at home in my tub but no one else is around. thanks to this thread and the great responses, I think I've determined that its mostly the immediate delivery time that I'm most concerned about. I think with a detailed birth plan and some help from my OB and the charge nurses I can make it happen. But then I watch some amazing, raw home birth videos and it makes me want to do it again. I just feel like I'm on the end of a pendulum!
 
#80 ·
What I learned from my homebirth, and the time leading up to it, is that this is the time to listen to your gut and intuition. Sifting through fears is part of the process, but eventually, it's time to own your power as a birthing woman and stand in your truth. That doesn't mean you necessarily have to tell the truth of all the details of a homebirth plan to others. On the contrary, it might mean little white lies to get the result you want. But make your intentions clear to yourself at least, and the baby, and obstacles may start to clear the way for what you want. Don't let your decision come from your hubby, as important as his feelings are, he needs to trust YOU on this one. I think many men are uncomfortable about birth no matter what the circumstances, simply because they can't relate and can't control it. They are better able to understand and trust the machines in the hospital than the 'mysterious' forces of a woman's body.

This time last year, I knew 100% that I wanted a homebirth, but had almost zero confidence that it was going to happen because it was a VBAC. So the approach I took was what I'd call 'non-attachment': to plan for the best, but stay prepared for any direction the birth might take with an open heart. I literally walked every day and said to myself, 'I am open to everything this pregnancy and birth has to offer.' So NOT TRUE when I first started saying it, but eventually my mind started to accept it the more I did it! I would also say to the baby, 'I'm doing everything I can to give you the most natural birth possible. Please help me do that for you.' I proceeded planning for a homebirth AND and left myself the option of the hospital should I want or need it. I had parallel visits with my CPM and OB (without telling the OB), did intensive yoga, hypnosis and Birthing From Within classes to release my fears, massage and chiropractic care, and kept the hb plans a secret from all unsupportive family and friends to protect my emotional state (I always had vague answers and then changed the subject). I thought I didn't need a doula, but after interviewing the first one, I loved her so much I hired her right there. She was worth the money just to have someone to talk to who was positively giddy excited about my birth! ICAN meetings were also a great place to talk to successful homebirth mamas.

In the end, I could not have imagined a more perfect labor and birth. 9 hours total, and I thought the first 6 were Braxton HIcks. My son was born under water in the bathtub, and I was surrounded by love and the most amazing energy I've ever felt in my life. Afterward, I was so happy to not need to fight for my rights or worry who was asking to take my baby to nusery this time - I could just be in my own bed. By the way, I was also GBS positive, but my midwife explained that doucing with Hibiclens was more effective than the IV antibiotics.

Sending you positive, happy birthing thoughts...

Laurie
 
#81 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by summer776 View Post

What I learned from my homebirth, and the time leading up to it, is that this is the time to listen to your gut and intuition. Sifting through fears is part of the process, but eventually, it's time to own your power as a birthing woman and stand in your truth. That doesn't mean you necessarily have to tell the truth of all the details of a homebirth plan to others. On the contrary, it might mean little white lies to get the result you want. But make your intentions clear to yourself at least, and the baby, and obstacles may start to clear the way for what you want. Don't let your decision come from your hubby, as important as his feelings are, he needs to trust YOU on this one. I think many men are uncomfortable about birth no matter what the circumstances, simply because they can't relate and can't control it. They are better able to understand and trust the machines in the hospital than the 'mysterious' forces of a woman's body.

This time last year, I knew 100% that I wanted a homebirth, but had almost zero confidence that it was going to happen because it was a VBAC. So the approach I took was what I'd call 'non-attachment': to plan for the best, but stay prepared for any direction the birth might take with an open heart. I literally walked every day and said to myself, 'I am open to everything this pregnancy and birth has to offer.' So NOT TRUE when I first started saying it, but eventually my mind started to accept it the more I did it! I would also say to the baby, 'I'm doing everything I can to give you the most natural birth possible. Please help me do that for you.' I proceeded planning for a homebirth AND and left myself the option of the hospital should I want or need it. I had parallel visits with my CPM and OB (without telling the OB), did intensive yoga, hypnosis and Birthing From Within classes to release my fears, massage and chiropractic care, and kept the hb plans a secret from all unsupportive family and friends to protect my emotional state (I always had vague answers and then changed the subject). I thought I didn't need a doula, but after interviewing the first one, I loved her so much I hired her right there. She was worth the money just to have someone to talk to who was positively giddy excited about my birth! ICAN meetings were also a great place to talk to successful homebirth mamas.

In the end, I could not have imagined a more perfect labor and birth. 9 hours total, and I thought the first 6 were Braxton HIcks. My son was born under water in the bathtub, and I was surrounded by love and the most amazing energy I've ever felt in my life. Afterward, I was so happy to not need to fight for my rights or worry who was asking to take my baby to nusery this time - I could just be in my own bed. By the way, I was also GBS positive, but my midwife explained that doucing with Hibiclens was more effective than the IV antibiotics.

Sending you positive, happy birthing thoughts...

Laurie
that bolded statement is SO true!!
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for your reply. You're right. I think I"m letting my mind try to overrule my gut because of something Im not sure of. I think I'm going to take a pp's advice and go to the midwife I like and see my OB as her "backup". that way the only thing I need to "hope" for, is that I dont deliver more than a couple days before my EDC.
 
#84 ·
no news yet. we were on vacation and I'm just getting back into the swing of things so will have to call her on Monday. Although I did get a recommendation from a random person in salon yesterday about a midwife that I've never heard of so Im going to try her also. I'm just so annoyed with myself because I still have such annoying inner conflict about the whole thing. I go back and forth so easily and quickly. Today on my way home from work I was imagining delivering in the hospital in the bath tub with no one around then just putting the call light on after I delivered and say oops, it just happened so fast. All signs basically point to hb but I still have the nagging annoyance of working there and bringing it up to my OB. UGH! I'm going to talk with the new midwife Monday and maybe the one I've been in contact with if the new one doesn't sound promising. and try to go from there. I'm not sure how long I have to finally make a decision once and for all so hopefully it'll come to me in a vision soon!
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ETA: so I researched the midwife recommendation I got the other day and she's been a midwife for almost 2 years and has done only about 120 deliveries. Would anyone be concerned about that? Im not sure who her birth attendants are so...
The midwife we liked was similarly inexperienced having only started last year but brings with her a midwife (who is the midwife I dont like) who has lots of experience as one of her attendants.
 
#85 ·
Well I think it depends. A lot of it goes by gut. I would thoroughly question her on "what if, WWYD, ect" for emergency situations/transfer worthy

I prefer a very hands off MW and I think it would be fine for me b/c I have experienced a home like birth (it was a detached birth center in an old victorian house) and you could probably get her cheap, but if you are one of those people who think *something* may go wrong initially and are borderline of homebirth, well it could make you nervous that you have someone with less experience. I think it all depends on what you want.

Didn't you say before you were thinking a UC even? Maybe b/c of your background and everything it could work out with the less experienced MW b/c you know what to watch for yourself.

Of course nothing is guarantee in life, but if all your births were smooth as butter, you have no known complications, and you are comfortable with it, I would go with the new MW (of course as long as we clicked).
 
#86 ·
For me personally, I only felt comfortable with very experienced midwives---the ones I chose had both attended over 1000 births. I also had specific questions about scenarios (when would you transfer, how do you handle meconium, what do you carry for antihemorrhagic, how many resuscitations have you performed). That being said, an interview is always worth it--maybe she apprenticed at a very busy birth center and had lots of experience there and only has 150 primary births.

Also, I wanted to reassure you that I second guessed my decision the entire way too---I'm not one of those people that thinks if you're conflicted, it's a sign you shouldn't do it. I had to work through my fears, sit down and go through the what-ifs, and then mentally prepare for a transfer. And I had a lovely, picture perfect waterbirth. I'm all for positive thinking and focusing on the positive because it reduces anxiety in general, but I keep that for the end---after I've faced the tiger so to speak.
 
#87 ·
I ended up with just a student midwife attending my birth (my midwives had three births in less than 20 minutes, I went into labor last, so they sent the student ahead, not knowing I would go so fast). I had a fairly standard birth, just a sticky shoulder, no tearing that had to be repaired, so even though it was her first solo delivery, she was more than qualified for what she needed to do. my experience is that Seattle midwifery school does a pretty good job at making sure by the time students graduate they have the knowledge to deal with most things, even if they don't have the hands-on experience with everything. I would be okay with going with either of the midwives as long as there is a detailed plan about how to deal with different problems and a detailed transfer plan. you're in the unique position of knowing what can go wrong and how to deal with most situations that might arise.
 
#88 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

Well I think it depends. A lot of it goes by gut. I would thoroughly question her on "what if, WWYD, ect" for emergency situations/transfer worthy

I prefer a very hands off MW and I think it would be fine for me b/c I have experienced a home like birth (it was a detached birth center in an old victorian house) and you could probably get her cheap, but if you are one of those people who think *something* may go wrong initially and are borderline of homebirth, well it could make you nervous that you have someone with less experience. I think it all depends on what you want.

Didn't you say before you were thinking a UC even? Maybe b/c of your background and everything it could work out with the less experienced MW b/c you know what to watch for yourself.

Of course nothing is guarantee in life, but if all your births were smooth as butter, you have no known complications, and you are comfortable with it, I would go with the new MW (of course as long as we clicked).
I dont have the feeling that anything is going to go wrong, but DH is more concerned with having someone with experience just for his comfort. I did have Meconium and GBS pos with DS so I'd be mostly worried about getting transferred for the mec. I'm not as worried about the catastrophic emergencies because they're just so rare. As far as UC, I decided against that. Although I think I could probably do it, I decided I couldn't trust myself to be in the right mind to deal with an emergency if it arose and DH would never be able to either.
After I took a walk this afternoon I decided against having the original midwife that we liked. She uses the midwife I don't like as a birth attendant and I wouldn't love that. And I have the feeling this baby isn't going to make it to the EDC so I dont want to have to go through all the hassle of breaking up with my OB just to end up with her anyway. So I've decided to look into 2 more midwives that may be feasible. After I talk with them I will have exhausted my options for midwives in my area.
 
#89 ·
Good luck interviewing the other midwives! One question though - why do you have to 'break up' with the OB? I know some moms who do parallel care until the very end, to have a second opinion and keep a backup. However, if/when you are done with the OB, just don't go back! I eventually just stopped going one day at week 20 - talked to receptionist to cancel my appointment and faxed over the request to have my records transferred. I never had to explain anything or talk to the OB, and they never called to check on me either. I would think the worst thing to do would be to have a conversation with the OB in which you say you're having a homebirth! why not just leave the door open at this point? Don't worry about the OB's feelings in this - you don't owe her anything and this is strictly business and not personal. Do what's best for you!
 
#90 ·
Just waiting to hear back from one of them. She's been attending births for 25+ yrs anD a mama on here PM'd me to recommend her so I figured I'd start there. I had my 26 week appt And glucola today And everything seems to be spot on although I won't know glucola results for a couple days. I'm not worried about it though.

At this point, if I cAn find a midWife, I think the best plan for me will be to keep seeing my OB concurrently. That way if I needed to transfer I could without anyone being the wiser. We'll see. I'll updatE after I talk with midwife #4.
 
#92 ·
She called me back yesterday but is on vacation until Tuesday. We talked a little and I let her know I might want to continue care with my OB and I didn't get a good feeling from her if she'd be OK with that. The connection was not great so we're going to talk more on Wednesday. It'd be a lot of extra money to pay for both so now I'm trying to decide what price my lack of guts is worth.
Who ever does the delivery gets the global fee so if I saw my OB for every appointment but midwife did the delivery, midwife would get the whole reimbursement from insurance.
I'd just have to get out of going to the hospital some how... I feel like a teenager sneaking out to do something naughty.

ETA:
I just called the billing department at my OB's office and she said that if they dont do the delivery they dont charge for the delivery. She said that the charges for the antepartum visits depend on how many and if you were high risk or not. Then they'd charge for the postpartum care. SO... I could conceivably pay out of pocket for the antepartum OB visits, use insurance for the midwife antepartum visits and delivery. SO if everything went as planned, I could deliver at home, hope to have no repairs needed, then just call my OB and ask if I could see her in the office the next day instead of going to the hospital. I'm just thinking out loud here, I know you all think I'm crazy!!
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#93 ·
I'm curious why you'd need to go see your OB the next day if you had your baby at home with a midwife? Every midwife I've worked with comes back to your house the following day for a complete evaluation and is always available should you feel the need to see her any time. This is all included in her fee as postpartum care.
 
#94 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by douladianne View Post

I'm curious why you'd need to go see your OB the next day if you had your baby at home with a midwife? Every midwife I've worked with comes back to your house the following day for a complete evaluation and is always available should you feel the need to see her any time. This is all included in her fee as postpartum care.
Because I'm still scared to break up with my OB
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#95 ·
So last night, as I lay trying to sleep but thinking about this whole thing (as usual), I was wondering WHY am I having such a hard time deciding when it seems like my gut says to have a homebirth. I decided that it's because I'm torn between choosing a provider and a setting.
I have a provider that I love and totally trust but who practices somewhere I'd rather not be. I also have a super awesome setting where I'd love to be but haven't found a provider that I trust to be there.
So how do you choose?!?! I'm still following up with the one midwife who is on vacation until Tuesday and a super sweet mama on here gave me the name of another MW practice that I'm hoping will be willing to make the hour plus trek over here from Seattle. And maybe I'll be able to find that trust in one of them, but I think for me I need the trust of the provider more than the serenity of my home. What do you think?
 
#96 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamahen2coop View Post

So last night, as I lay trying to sleep but thinking about this whole thing (as usual), I was wondering WHY am I having such a hard time deciding when it seems like my gut says to have a homebirth. I decided that it's because I'm torn between choosing a provider and a setting.
I have a provider that I love and totally trust but who practices somewhere I'd rather not be. I also have a super awesome setting where I'd love to be but haven't found a provider that I trust to be there.
So how do you choose?!?! I'm still following up with the one midwife who is on vacation until Tuesday and a super sweet mama on here gave me the name of another MW practice that I'm hoping will be willing to make the hour plus trek over here from Seattle. And maybe I'll be able to find that trust in one of them, but I think for me I need the trust of the provider more than the serenity of my home. What do you think?
with my first I chose provider, and ended up having an on-call doctor who was a terrible fit for me (didn't treat me like an actual person) and a nurse who had a similar attitude. since that route didn't work out, I ended up choosing based on setting for my second, even though I didn't click great with either of the midwives. since you know you won't be stuck with a different doctor because of who is on-call and you get to choose your own nurse if you go the hospital route, it does make it a much tougher decision.
 
#97 ·
A nice mama on here, who happens to also be an L&D nurse, recommended some midwives that unfortunately dont come all the way to where I live. It means a lot that they come with her recommendation as someone who works with them and also used them for her own homebirth. SO now I'm back to thinking maybe could it possibly work to go all the way over there to the birth center? If there is NO traffic and we happened to just catch the ferry as it was leaving it would take a minimum of 1hr 15mins. More likely we'd have to wait for the ferry that normally runs every half hour but sometimes only once an hour and get some traffic especially on the Seattle side. so total time anywhere from 1hr15min to 2+hrs to get there. My last labor was about 3 hrs from 5 cm to delivery and probably 3 hours from any pain at all to 5 cm. SO it makes me a little nervous to travel that far. Right???...

So I guess part of that question is has anyone experienced a hospital delivery and a birth center delivery? What are the biggest differences? I've never been to a birth center (but am thinking about going to tour the one with Ina May there on Wednesday
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At our hospital I'd be able to have intermittent monitoring and access to a tub but normally not intended for delivery. any thoughts??
 
#98 ·
and how long would it take to get to the birth center if you go into labor in the middle of the night when the ferry isn't running? second babies tend to be faster, so you could have a pretty short labor.
 
#99 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marissamom View Post

and how long would it take to get to the birth center if you go into labor in the middle of the night when the ferry isn't running? second babies tend to be faster, so you could have a pretty short labor.
2hrs 15 mins. There probably wouldn't be any traffic that late at night since the ferrys only shut down for a few hours, but construction at night in the summer is common.
Probably pretty risky huh?? Oh well. One last hope... I'll talk to her tomorrow.
 
#100 ·
The Birthing Inn is only 48 minutes away from Poulsbo, with no traffic or construction 24 hrs/day. I can give you several recommendations for midwives that I've assisted in births with there. It's a great place in that you can do anything your body feels like, have a waterbirth in a spa like setting, and tuck your baby in bed with you and hubby for a nice rest. Midwife stays and monitor you for several hours afterward and then leaves you and your husband to sleep for the night/day. Again, those midwives also do homebirths so you avoid the travel as well as the birth center fee. If your insurance covers the facility, then no big deal. Let me know if I can help. So many decisions...good thing you started planning your birth in the early stage of pregnancy :0)
 
#101 ·
I just got off the phone with midwife candidate #4. I feel like I'm interviewing suitors. Anyway, she sounds amazing. I'm going to meet her tonight to see if we hit it off. Unfortunately DH cant come tonight but I'm going anyway and if I like her then he can come to my visits and get to know her then. Cross your fingers for me. I feel like maybe if I feel like I can trust her and get to know her, maybe I"ll have the guts to tell my OB straight up. I'm sure I'll cry when I do but this might be our last baby and I want it to be what I want it to be!
I'm hopeful so if she turns out to not be what I needed then I'll be a little disappointed. ACK!
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