This is really what I want..DH not so much.- Update post 10 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 06:45 AM - Thread Starter
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DD 1 was born in a hospital, no interventions or meds until after the birth itself for a PPH I had. 

I used a CNM...

On another thread in Birth and Beyond I discussed how I felt like it was way too "medicalized" for my taste and I do feel that in part it contributed to my PPH...I was also exhausted physically after a 40 hour labor and in the final pushes before DD came out my ctx were literally only coming every 5 minutes...IN THE PUSHING STAGE...So yeah I was tired and my uterus was atonic I believe.

 

So I am quite possibly preggo for a second time and I so badly want a HB. I have been dreaming about it, reading about it etc. I am already well versed in HB knowledge as I have frequented the HB threads since I was pg with DD 1.

 

DH is just flat out opposed. He said he can't "stop" me from having a HB but that he probably wouldn't be able to be there because he just can't support it. I said if he was really negative about it would be better if he wasn't there to cloud the whole experience with that negative energy. We weren't fighting he just isn't very interested in listening.

 

I finally begged him to at the very least meet with some possible HB MWs as soon as we confirm the pregnancy and just listen to them and tell them all his concerns. He said he would definitely do that for me but his mind was already made up so the chances of it being changed are slim to none.

 

I have done lots and lots of reading on PPH the first time and how less likely it is to occur the second time around, especially in a HB setting for some reason...DH doesn't care, he remains convinced I was going to die. Just to be clear, I was not going to die at all. I had 2 pit injections and uterine massage and MW pulled my placenta out by the cord (which I don't think helped the PPH) I never need a transfusion or anything extreme. Nothing that could not have been handled exactly the same way at home...

 

So should I just give up HB since DH is so opposed to me doing it? I want him to be supportive but he says he just can't. Have any of you had a HB without your partner? For whatever reason? Part of me would just want to go through with it without DH being there but I can't imagine him not being there for the birth of his child! It is so important to me. I feel more and more drawn to it every day and DH's response is well "I will feel better with you in a hospital"...Yay for DH, what about me?

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#2 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 08:34 AM
 
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dont give up yet. my dh was against it at first (but was open to talking to a hb midwife) in the end he went for it. the deciding factors for him was my emotional problems with another hospital birth, our midwifes experience, and the fact that all i needed for my pph in the hospital was pitocin and cyotec which our midwife carries with her. i did end up bleeding a bit again but it wasnt a big deal.good luck!


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#3 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 08:45 AM
 
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Honestly, its his kid too.

 

I have great hospital births with my CNM. My dh is terrified of birthing at home. I respected that. I did not want to alienate my husband and my children's father from their lives or any co-parenting from the get go. Birth is just a day or two or three out of years of a hopefully long partnership with your spouse.

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Originally Posted by philomom View Post

Honestly, its his kid too.

 

I have great hospital births with my CNM. My dh is terrified of birthing at home. I respected that. I did not want to alienate my husband and my children's father from their lives or any co-parenting from the get go. Birth is just a day or two or three out of years of a hopefully long partnership with your spouse.


I totally get it is his kid too but he is not the one doing the work to get the kid out into the air. He is there supporting me but he is not the one who actually has to do it. I don't discount his feelings at all. I am thrilled he is even willing to talk to some HB midwives, but his attitude is that no matter what he is against it. Even when there is actual science to back up the safety of doing a HB after a PPH that was easily controlled with pit and uterine massage. He is making a decision that affects me in a huge way based on his emotions (fear in this case). He acknowledged that last night when we were talking about it. Even acknowledging this though, he doesn't see a problem with being completely against it.

 

I am happy you had a great hospital birth with your CNM..I am not you so I don't get how that is relevant. I had a hospital birth with a CNM, at the time I didn't complain, I was a first time mom just trying to figure out how to be a parent to DD. I didn't really think about it at all. Upon further reflection though there is a lot I would have liked to have changed. I have a whole thread about it in Birth and Beyond...I will link it here if anyone wants to read it, although be warned I am chronically getting long winded online so be warned if you don't want to read a novel!

 

here it is: http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1301498/would-you-have-felt-this-too-medicalized-hospital-birth-with-cnm

 

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#5 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 09:06 AM
 
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I think it would be great if he could meet with some HB midwives with you.  I know when I first met my midwife, she was so calming and reassuring and just solidifield my choice to HB.  I too had my first at a hospital with a CNM, and I didn't have a negative experience, but sooo wanted a HB with my 2nd.  Fortunately my DH was on bored.  And while I agree that you will be doing all the work you will want his support.  With my HB, my DH actually had to deliver the baby because my MW was late (our fault not hers).  So if your DH doesn't want to be there or support you, I hope you can find someone who can (like maybe your mom or sister or even a good doula).

 

I couldn't imagine not being able to have the birthing experience I wanted, because lets face it, labor and delivery is all about the mom.  She should get a huge say-so in what happens and they way she wants things done.  The DH or dad doesn't have to live with the after effects of a trauma birth or disappointing birth, the way a mom does.

 

I hope you get the birth you want.


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#6 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 09:42 AM - Thread Starter
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I just want to clarify, I really do want DH's support!

He was hugely instrumental in helping me with my first birth. More than my CNM at the time.

He was the one who gently reminded I didn't want pain meds and encouraged me, cheered me on, literally walked with me every step of the way.

He was so involved it truly brought us closer in a way I had never even anticipated.


DH is scared though, that is where this total aversion to a HB is coming from...Not logic or reason, just fear. I find it incredibly frustrating because I get his fears

and I even have shared them but I am past it. I know my body is fine. I did fine after a really long birth with DD (again around 40 hours) and even though I had a PPH I don't fear another one at all. Even if it did occur I am confident a well trained MW could handle it just as well as any hospital (short of major life threatening issues) and the thought of being in my own home is like a dream or fantasy.

 

I don't know if I would honestly want to do a HB without him? He should be there! Then again, how important is a HB to me? I fear another hospital birth.

The nearest FSBC is over an hour and half away, not including a drive into a major city that would inevitably include traffic if it was during the day...Now that is scary!

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#7 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 10:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

He is making a decision that affects me in a huge way based on his emotions (fear in this case). He acknowledged that last night when we were talking about it. Even acknowledging this though, he doesn't see a problem with being completely against it.

It doesn't look promising that he's already decided he won't be swayed by any evidence, but I think the fact that he is acknowledging the above is good progress towards your goal.  This is our first baby so I obviously didn't have the PPH experience that you and your DH did, but my DH was very against HB from the start.  I tried for a long time to convince him, talked to the midwife about it, chose a prenatal class that I knew was very natural-minded.  All the while though I told DH though that if he is not comfortable with it in the end, we wouldn't do the homebirth - I didn't want him to dig his heels in and feel defensive (something I know he is prone to and which could prevent him from really consider HB as an option).  In the end he has become sold on homebirth so the plan is working out, but it was a bit of a gamble for me to give him that power.  I'm fortunate that our MW could attend us either at home or in the hospital (in which case I would have stayed home as long as possible before going in).

 

If your DH doesn't come around and you decide to still do the HB I would definitely recommend a doula to provide the kind of support that you got from your DH last time - it sounds like it was very helpful.

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Originally Posted by Ola_ View Post

It doesn't look promising that he's already decided he won't be swayed by any evidence, but I think the fact that he is acknowledging the above is good progress towards your goal.  This is our first baby so I obviously didn't have the PPH experience that you and your DH did, but my DH was very against HB from the start.  I tried for a long time to convince him, talked to the midwife about it, chose a prenatal class that I knew was very natural-minded.  All the while though I told DH though that if he is not comfortable with it in the end, we wouldn't do the homebirth - I didn't want him to dig his heels in and feel defensive (something I know he is prone to and which could prevent him from really consider HB as an option).  In the end he has become sold on homebirth so the plan is working out, but it was a bit of a gamble for me to give him that power.  I'm fortunate that our MW could attend us either at home or in the hospital (in which case I would have stayed home as long as possible before going in).

 

If your DH doesn't come around and you decide to still do the HB I would definitely recommend a doula to provide the kind of support that you got from your DH last time - it sounds like it was very helpful.



Ola, first congrats on baby numero uno!! I see by your signature you are close! How excited you must be...

Honestly the PPH didn't freak me out too much at the time because I was in a little chaos bubble (another reason I want a HB)...

MW pulling on the cord, nurses massaging my uterus OUCH, nurse trying to force DD to latch to help my uterus contract. It was all very dramatic and DH saw exactly how much blood was coming out of me and I think that really did traumatize him a bit. He always always describes it as "literally gushing", well if it was literally gushing I think I might have needed a bag of blood or something. I also tore decently which is another source of blood that I know is counted as part of the PPH...I am working on getting my medical records so I can see the exact amount of blood loss so I can figure out if it was a minor PPH or what...

 

He is just so scared, and the bad news is I am more and more into a HB...A doula maybe I hadn't thought about that!

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#9 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 02:15 PM
 
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Don't give up! My DH was SO NOT for a HB when we first got preg with #3. He agreed to meet and talk with a MW, with an OPEN mind. After doing that, asking about all of the things he feared, and after watching The Business of Being Born, he came around. It was a slow process, believe me. I knew, for us, I couldn't birth without my DH. But, I also knew that him insisting on a hospital birth for ME, when I'm the one who has to go thru this, would be horrible. And I told him all of that. If your DH is going to be against HB b/c he's afraid, but is refusing to take into acct actual FACTS, that's incredible selfish, IMO. I wish you luck. Hopefully it's just time that he needs.  =)


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#10 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 04:49 PM - Thread Starter
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Don't give up! My DH was SO NOT for a HB when we first got preg with #3. He agreed to meet and talk with a MW, with an OPEN mind. After doing that, asking about all of the things he feared, and after watching The Business of Being Born, he came around. It was a slow process, believe me. I knew, for us, I couldn't birth without my DH. But, I also knew that him insisting on a hospital birth for ME, when I'm the one who has to go thru this, would be horrible. And I told him all of that. If your DH is going to be against HB b/c he's afraid, but is refusing to take into acct actual FACTS, that's incredible selfish, IMO. I wish you luck. Hopefully it's just time that he needs.  =)


We watched this when I was preggo with DD...tonight he says to me when I mention we watched it together, "yeah there were 3 births in that movie and one of the 3 the woman had to go to the hospital!" He is talking about the producer who went into labor early because her baby was very ill. I pointed out to him that it had NOTHING to do with a HB..

 

We talked about it a lot tonight and I can't it has gone well. I feel like I have been really listening to him, he is very afraid. He doesn't understand WHY, if HB can be as safe as hospital birth I want to do it at home? Why not just do it at the hospital, I did it once there and "it was fine" according to him...

He basically said he is against HB in general and especially in my case although he "knows I can birth"...That was where I was feeling really hurt and we let it go for a bit so I could keep the tears at bay.. He still agreed to talk with some MWs, I will be sending out feelers in that direction very soon.  I just don't know what to do...I am really just hoping some professionals can make him more at ease. I am scared though, damned if I do and damned if I don't..

 

If I don't have a HB because of him, which is the only reason short of being screened out for health reasons, then it will be a lot of resentment for a long time. He knows that.

If I do go ahead with a HB and he is still against it, it will be a lot stress leading right up to the birth and not a good way to go for a HB...

He has it rough too, he either gets his wife being really resentful for a really long time (if it turned out that way) or he has to try and deal with something he is SUPER uncomfortable with.

Maybe he will change his mind as time goes on, I really hope so because at this point I am thinking the only way we will both be happy is if I am having this baby in the car on the way to the hospital without having to step foot inside...Ok well that wouldn't be good but you know what I mean.

 

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#11 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 06:50 PM
 
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 Do you know any people IRL who have homebirthed?  Could you get some references from a midwife?  Sometimes it helps *a lot*  to meet people and talk to them about their experiences.  And, I do not want to generalize here, but some men (and women too of course!) feel lots of pressure to conform to what society expects of them.  99% of society has their babies in hospitals; it's really uncomfortable for some people to go against the mainstream in any way.  However, I've yet to meet a partner who is not a complete HB convert after their experience (and I know a lot of HBers IRL).  Talking to another man about the experience of homebirth from a man's perspective might be helpful.  And meeting the midwives will also help!  Tell him to make a list of questions and to ask them all at the interview. 

 

The transport at the end of The Business of Being Born just speaks to the safety of HB IMO----transports happen for a reason, hospitals exist for a reason, medical interventions are sometimes necessary.  Is the possibility of a transport one of his main concerns?  

 

One more thing:  yes, of course it's his baby so he gets a vote.  But it's your baby *and* your body, so you get two votes.  His anxiety is conquerable with knowledge, but your resentment at not getting the birth you deserve won't be. 

 

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Originally Posted by jennyfah View Post

 Do you know any people IRL who have homebirthed?  Could you get some references from a midwife?  Sometimes it helps *a lot*  to meet people and talk to them about their experiences.  And, I do not want to generalize here, but some men (and women too of course!) feel lots of pressure to conform to what society expects of them.  99% of society has their babies in hospitals; it's really uncomfortable for some people to go against the mainstream in any way.  However, I've yet to meet a partner who is not a complete HB convert after their experience (and I know a lot of HBers IRL).  Talking to another man about the experience of homebirth from a man's perspective might be helpful. A new goal is to find some HBers in real life, I do not in fact know any at all! Not a ton of my friends have had kids at our age (25) I am one of 3 I know and the other two had typical hospital births so they just couldn't relate, especially the fathers! They were very freaked out by their partners birth as they were in the hospital... And meeting the midwives will also help!  Tell him to make a list of questions and to ask them all at the interview. 

 

The transport at the end of The Business of Being Born just speaks to the safety of HB IMO----transports happen for a reason, hospitals exist for a reason, medical interventions are sometimes necessary.  Is the possibility of a transport one of his main concerns?  I would guess that it is. He is just so hung up on the, "what if you need to transfer?!" I need to investigate more closely why that is such a major concern of his I think. 

 

One more thing:  yes, of course it's his baby so he gets a vote.  But it's your baby *and* your body, so you get two votes.  His anxiety is conquerable with knowledge, but your resentment at not getting the birth you deserve won't be. 

 

Best wishes!  stillheart.gif

 



Thank you for the excellent post!

This is a huge elephant in the room right now, not in a horrible way, just something that is big on both our minds but we aren't really getting anywhere tonight. We have both waved our little truce flags from over our bunkers and are letting it go for the evening. 

I think I just need to remind myself that DH loves me so much he is terrified of losing me or any future babies. That isn't a bad thing in my mindluxlove.gif. It just reminds me of why I love him so much and makes it so much easier to be sympathetic. 

 

I have to give him credit though, his interest must be peaked because when I came downstairs from putting DD to bed, I saw  he was looking at HB information on the laptop! He said he just googled "homebirth", I feel like that is just enough of a crack in the door to get my foot and work on him being comfortable with it. He is curious about it at the very least, which I hope translates to openness when we talk to the MWs...

Maybe I am just feeling optimistic because I am overtired and super emotional...must be bedtime!

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#13 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 07:30 PM
 
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I'd try to keep the discussion open, but in the end, if he feels that strongly against it, I'd stick with the hospital.

 

DH was against homebirth for a while but came around (and all this happened when we switched to homebirth at 26 weeks, back in early January). We talked a lot about what his hangups were, if they were properly grounded or based on incorrect informatin, etc.  Meeting with a couple hb midwives helped him a great deal. If he hadn't come around, I would have stuck with the hospital out of respect for him (vs our parents or someone else against homebirth, he's my husband and it's his child too).

 


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#14 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 08:31 PM
 
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DH never wanted a HB, he went along with it the first time because I basically spent the 3 years prior to getting pg saying that I was having one, and he couldn't come up with good reasons why not. He had concerns yes, I would address every single one very logically and with facts, he was never quite convinced. I think for him, it boiled down to he felt afraid that he was going to be put on the spot and not know what to do, it is easier to fade into the background at a hospital, and then the regular safety concerns that people have. He was more reassured about speaking with a MW, but never completely on board for that birth. Until we had her. lol.gif He called his brother that morning and went on and on about how HB was the best thing ever. He was less enthused about our UC a few years later but has always been completely ok with HB as long as there is a MW on our property ever since. I've entertained hiring a doula more for him (I know a lot doulas so they would gladly come over and DH-sit as I call it while I labor) several times but never actually done it. He still has a hard time when I am in labor, after 3 births I am still laboring while calming him down and telling him everything is fine. eyesroll.gif My MWs have always known that I am fine without support, their job is to keep him sane and from annoying me! 

 

At this point since he is researching it, if it were my DH, I'd drop the subject for a bit (depending on how much time you have) let it grow on him, and approach it carefully again. Good luck!


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#15 of 26 Old 03-07-2011, 09:19 PM
 
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I was in a very similar situation to you when pg with my 2nd (I think I was in your DDC- May 09? smile.gif). My first birth was very similar to your first- long labor, no meds during labor, midwife doing annoying painful things with her hands, PPH due to tired out uterus, pit injection at the end. In my case, the PPH necessitated an immediate manual removal and then multiple sticks to get an IV into my flat veins so they could bolus me with IV fluids.

 

I really wanted a HB with my 2nd ( my first was in a freestanding birth center with CNMs). I even went so far as to make an appt with a local CNM who does homebirths. DH had several objections to homebirth, although he told me he wasn't going to argue about it or stop me if that was what I wanted. He wasn't arguing about it, more like quiet disapproval. One night when I was about 9 weeks along, I stayed awake all night long worrying, and then the next morning I cancelled the appt with the homebirth midwife and called the birth center for an appt there.

 

One of the main reasons for all my worry that night was the feeling that, if I proceeded to homebirth with him not fully on board, that would cause a lot of tension and stress in the marriage and household, possibly for the whole duration of the pregnancy. DH doesn't talk about his feelings much, but it's very obvious when he's upset with me. I didn't feel like that would be healthy for me or my baby to be stressed out like that.

 

I am really glad that I chose to compromise with him on it. And I want to reassure you that 2nd labors and births are usually waaaay easier and faster than first ones! Due to my long first labor, I was in denial that my labor could be moving faster, so I didn't show up at the birth center until I was in transition. Second birth was much faster than first, and no PPH the second time, because no tired out uterus. I felt so amazing afterwards- after having a PPH the first time, I thought feeling like I had been hit by a truck was normal, but learned that recovery is much easier without all that pesky blood loss! wink1.gif

 

Oh, and one other funny discovery- I was so mad at the CNM the first time for causing me pain with her hands during the pushing phase. Well, during the second birth, I felt that horrible feeling again, and thought the midwife was messing around with her hands, and then looked down and realized that her hands were nowhere near me- what I had been feeling in both births was the head moving down, but I had just assumed that it was her hands causing all the pain.

 

Anyway, not trying to influence you either way, but that was my personal experience from being in a similar situation. Good luck with your pregnancy and birth! smile.gif


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Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
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#16 of 26 Old 03-08-2011, 06:12 AM - Thread Starter
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I was in a very similar situation to you when pg with my 2nd (I think I was in your DDC- May 09? smile.gif). My first birth was very similar to your first- long labor, no meds during labor, midwife doing annoying painful things with her hands, PPH due to tired out uterus, pit injection at the end. In my case, the PPH necessitated an immediate manual removal and then multiple sticks to get an IV into my flat veins so they could bolus me with IV fluids.

 

I really wanted a HB with my 2nd ( my first was in a freestanding birth center with CNMs). I even went so far as to make an appt with a local CNM who does homebirths. DH had several objections to homebirth, although he told me he wasn't going to argue about it or stop me if that was what I wanted. He wasn't arguing about it, more like quiet disapproval. One night when I was about 9 weeks along, I stayed awake all night long worrying, and then the next morning I cancelled the appt with the homebirth midwife and called the birth center for an appt there.

 

One of the main reasons for all my worry that night was the feeling that, if I proceeded to homebirth with him not fully on board, that would cause a lot of tension and stress in the marriage and household, possibly for the whole duration of the pregnancy. DH doesn't talk about his feelings much, but it's very obvious when he's upset with me. I didn't feel like that would be healthy for me or my baby to be stressed out like that.

 

I am really glad that I chose to compromise with him on it. And I want to reassure you that 2nd labors and births are usually waaaay easier and faster than first ones! Due to my long first labor, I was in denial that my labor could be moving faster, so I didn't show up at the birth center until I was in transition. Second birth was much faster than first, and no PPH the second time, because no tired out uterus. I felt so amazing afterwards- after having a PPH the first time, I thought feeling like I had been hit by a truck was normal, but learned that recovery is much easier without all that pesky blood loss! wink1.gif

 

Oh, and one other funny discovery- I was so mad at the CNM the first time for causing me pain with her hands during the pushing phase. Well, during the second birth, I felt that horrible feeling again, and thought the midwife was messing around with her hands, and then looked down and realized that her hands were nowhere near me- what I had been feeling in both births was the head moving down, but I had just assumed that it was her hands causing all the pain.

 

Anyway, not trying to influence you either way, but that was my personal experience from being in a similar situation. Good luck with your pregnancy and birth! smile.gif


Ohhh major mama! I remember our DDC...I was one of the late late May girls who ended up with a June baby! I'm so glad your second labor went faster. I am pretty much assuming there is no way I'll be in labor for 40 hours again! I am also going to be doing the RRL thing and a lot more exercises to strengthen what I can strengthen.

I know I'm pregnant at this point, last night DH and I had puppy (80lbs of her) in between us in bed and I kept burying my head in her neck saying "Oh she smells so good!" DH is like, "Babe she smells like a gross wet dog..." So yeah the hormones are in full swing at this point.

 

I bolded a couple points that I think really ring true for DH. I don't want to do a HB with DH being quietly freaked out the whole time. I can tell when he is not cool with someone, I don't want that kind of vibe to cloud the entire pregnancy and then the birth itself!

 

Another PP said something about DH being afraid of needing to "be in charge" or something to that effect. DH basically said the same thing last night. He said he was afraid that I would depend on him so much like I did the first time around and he wouldn't be able to give me the full unconditional support that I want because he is scared of what might happen. This is a very deep insight for DH who is not one to really delve into his feelings, I am even worse at it.

 

We talked about how it is a totally realistic fear and that when we talk to MWs (I am emailing them tomorrow after I get last birth records) we can ask how they handle situations where the spouse doesn't want to be the lead support person. 

 

I am actually feeling cautiously optimistic about the whole thing. I am so firmly convinced that HB is the right thing now and I think DH is at least open to hearing what MWs have to say. As another PP suggested I am going to let it go for now and bring it up again later. I know he will be secretly researching HB to get some knowledge, he is like that. My only fear with that is he is going to come across a lot of horror stories of HB if he just googles the word you know?!

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 I chatted with my husband about it last night, just asking him why he thought some men were so upset at the notion of homebirth, and this is what he said:  "Guys don't like to make waves.  And we are afraid of doing something different."  Then he rolled over and went to sleep.  smile.gif

 

I don't know what it's like to be a man in our society, but I certainly know the pressures women feel to conform (to be slim, or feminine, or whatever).  Sometimes people can't even verbalize what it is about something that makes them anxious or averse----a free-floating anxiety---because it's a deeply ingrained societal norm that they are unconsciously struggling against.  I see this sometimes in friends and doula clients:  "We're not doing that.  Just because.  Just BECAUSE!"  No reason or logic; just a nebulous sense that it's not what people do, so it must be 'wrong.' 

 

One more thought:  Could it be possible that he has some birth trauma from your hospital birth?  Men can experience it, too.  I know you said that he had voiced some concerns about the PPH, but I can tell you from experience that PPH is something HB midwives are prepared for.  That would be a great question for him to ask when you meed the midwives.  Also, hospitals tend to make things seem scarier than they really are---even routine, normal variations (like nuchal cords) can get blown out of proportion, and of course everything seems scarier when it's happening to your partner.  Feeling out of control is never fun. 

 

Birth is one of the most profound things in a woman's life.  You might forget a lot of things, but you will always, always remember your births.  You'll remember the emotions around them, too.  Make sure your husband knows exactly how important it is to you.  

 

GL mama!  Let us know how things turn out!  hug2.gif

 

 

 


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edited to add, that yes I will keep everyone posted because if he actually is comfortable enough to go ahead with it I will have a million questions for the mamas here!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyfah View Post

 I chatted with my husband about it last night, just asking him why he thought some men were so upset at the notion of homebirth, and this is what he said:  "Guys don't like to make waves.  And we are afraid of doing something different."  Then he rolled over and went to sleep.  smile.gif 

 

I don't know what it's like to be a man in our society, but I certainly know the pressures women feel to conform (to be slim, or feminine, or whatever).  Sometimes people can't even verbalize what it is about something that makes them anxious or averse----a free-floating anxiety---because it's a deeply ingrained societal norm that they are unconsciously struggling against.  I see this sometimes in friends and doula clients:  "We're not doing that.  Just because.  Just BECAUSE!"  No reason or logic; just a nebulous sense that it's not what people do, so it must be 'wrong.' 

 

One more thought:  Could it be possible that he has some birth trauma from your hospital birth?  Men can experience it, too.  I know you said that he had voiced some concerns about the PPH, but I can tell you from experience that PPH is something HB midwives are prepared for.  That would be a great question for him to ask when you meed the midwives.  Also, hospitals tend to make things seem scarier than they really are---even routine, normal variations (like nuchal cords) can get blown out of proportion, and of course everything seems scarier when it's happening to your partner.  Feeling out of control is never fun. 

 

Birth is one of the most profound things in a woman's life.  You might forget a lot of things, but you will always, always remember your births.  You'll remember the emotions around them, too.  Make sure your husband knows exactly how important it is to you.  

 

GL mama!  Let us know how things turn out!  hug2.gif

 

 

 


 

Ok first, super cute. Aren't men so concise where we women have to write a novel about it!

 

And to the second bolded: I would say he definitely has some birth trauma. I know after talking to him about it a lot he truly feels like I was going to die! I was nowhere near that point, I didn't even need a saline IV or anything to bring my BP up...I walked to the bathroom an hour after DD was born and was dizzy but fine. He just saw what I didn't, BLOOD "gushing" out of me as he says. It really scared him in a bad way. I have told him numerous times that MWs today are just as well equipped to handle a PPH as a hospital and they are well versed in it as it is one of the more common issues women have. It is hard for him to separate the memory of what he SAW and the knowledge that it was really not a huge deal. No one in the room was panicking at all and frankly if my labor was half as long as the first time I'd be surprised if I had another PPH. My uterus was just so tired it didn't have any strength left to contract. I call it my lazy uterus hehe.

 

I emailed a couple HB MWs in our area and I am really hopeful that when he talks to them and hears them confident in their ability to handle things like a PPH that he will let it go a little bit. I feel so bad for him. He was very scared his wife was going to die in front of him, even though it was an irrational fear he still had it and no one can tell him otherwise you know?!

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#19 of 26 Old 03-08-2011, 08:47 AM
 
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 Oh, I totally get it.  I had a PPH at my homebirth, and it was what DH saw when he walked back in the room after going upstairs to get DS.  It really freaked him out; in fact, that was the first thing he mentioned when I got pregnant this time---he's worried about another PPH this time because it looked *so* scary to him. 

(The nice part about it happening to me is that I really didn't see it, I guess!)  winky.gif

 

I made sure to mention his concerns about another PPH to our midwife at our first prenatal, and she is going to be extra watchful this time.  Not that she's not usually UNwatchful. . . . you know what I mean.  lol.gif   Anyway, I think it helps my husband to know that she's very aware of it, and will be watching us closely for several hours after the birth just in case. 


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I bet it was scary walking into that scene! 

I mean I can explain it to him rationally over and over but what he saw was blood everywhere...In his head he probably has the prom scene from Carrie running through his head. Just buckets of blood. I was too busy trying to get DD to nurse that I didn't even care what was going on. I figured if it was a real problem my MW and the nurses might have actually looked stressed instead of joking around and stuff.

 

He was impressed with the idea that a lot of MWs come back the day after the birth and even a couple days after that. They are around A LOT. I also told him they don't just pack up and leave immediately after the baby is born. They stick around and casually but closely monitor baby and mama. They stay for several hours a lot and even cook meals for you if you need them to. 

 

I think he is caught up on the whole well hospitals ARE where women give birth. It is ingrained in most of us, myself included, I am just so over that.

He was an EMT which does not help at times because then it is just him seeing all the emergency situations (never had a transferred HB though) where bad things happen.

 

We live close to the hospital so I feel like I am actually a pretty good candidate for HB. If we HAD to transfer it wouldn't be more than a 15 minute ride.

 

Thank you Jenny for sharing, I find it helpful and hopeful that you too had a DH who wasn't so thrilled at first. I am going to tell DH that there is even a hubby on mothering who saw his wife have a PPH at a HB and she was fine and he is ok with another HB!! He'll be floored I imagine.

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 I'll add a couple other things, too---I could PM you but this might help someone else reading the thread.

 

In addition to the PPH, our baby had trouble breathing, and we ended up transporting him to the hospital.  My husband rode with him in the ambulance, and I followed later with my MW after I was cleaned up and rested a bit.  Thankfully, his breathing issue resolved quickly, but my MW had known exactly what to look for.  Midwives are trained in neonatal resuscitation and they know what normal newborn breathing and behavior is, so picking up on things that aren't right is something they are skilled at.  Our midwife also had resuscitation equipment (like oxygen) and knew how to use it. 

 

Oh yes, I also had a 2nd degree tear along my previous episotomy line, so my MW stitched me up, too.  I guess we sort of had the "anything that can go wrong, will" kind of birth, but in spite of all that my DH is still a huge HB advocate!  If anything, I think it has made both of us more confident that variations in birth happen, and that homebirth midwives are ready to handle them with calm professionalism.  

 

And I think you have a good point about him being an EMT.  He has probably only ever seen the emergency side of birth as part of that job, just like some nurses at the hospital think all homebirths are a bad idea because they only ever see the transports.  But the vast majority of the time, homebirths go very smoothly!

 


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Thank you for adding that jennyfah...I know it is important to remember that things can go grow but most of the time when they do the MWs really know what they are doing...I'm glad you are all ok! If you're DH can come out of that stress and still be positive about HB then I feel like I have hope for DH...

When we talk about HB I feel like part of him is just fighting it so strongly because it is so against the grain of what we are taught our whole lives in this country. In part, there is a lot of real fear there but also this sense that he is "supposed" to be against it. When we talk about the baby casually (because it is still super early and all) and a HB he isn't intensely negative about it. He didn't realize that we would have to pay for our HB out of pocket, whereas if we went to a hospital it would be COMPLETELY covered. Everything, thanks medicaid I guess. Instead of being angry he joked about it and was laughing. We'll see..finger's and toes crossed that the MW meetings is enough to sway him.

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#23 of 26 Old 03-09-2011, 12:26 AM
 
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I just wanted to add that I'll be having my 2nd homebirth after having my first 2 with a CNM in the hospital...I have had issues with PPH with every baby...

With my first in the hospital my uterus didn't clot properly so my CNM had to undo those clots so that my uterus could re-clot correctly and I also had a shot of methergyn(sp)...that was awful(not the shot, the clotting part).  This was after a 12 1/2 hour labor total from first contraction to baby.

With my second in the hospital I had PPH and I definitely think there was also insane over reaction on the part of the nurse that happened to be in the room when I went to the bathroom.  Active labor for DS1 was less than 2 hours and total labor was less than 4 so I think that contributed to the PPH as your uterus can go into shock from a very fast labor, not only a very long one.  But my bladder was also full after birth which can cause issues with your uterus contracting post partum.  But like I said the nurse freaked out when I went to the bathroom and there was lots of blood...so she started massaging my uterus which was so painful I started blacking out...so then she's saying I'm about to pass out, which as soon as she stopped massaging I was fine with no more dizziness or lightheadedness. (I need to add that right after birth my CNM gave me a shot of pit and a shot of methergyn as a precaution due to what happened with my first baby).  So after this "episode" in the bathroom I was given a bag of pit through an IV that had to be put in after the birth and also a shot of hemobaine.  I was fine and went home within 24 hours.

 

So after that birth I decided I wanted a HB, not due to a bad experience, it just wasn't what I wanted and I hated being at the hospital.  So I went with a HB.  I talked to my MW a lot about my history and she agreed to take me as a client.  My birth was again fast...2 hours start to finish, but my MW was very vigilant post partum about massaging my uterus, I had a shot of pit and methergyn(sp) and was also given some homeopathic things.  We also worked hard on getting DS2 to nurse and when he wasn't I was doing nipple stimulation to help my uterus contract.  My MW never pulled on my placenta and we also did not cut the cord until the placenta was delivered.   I did bleed more than they like, but not enough to need a transfer.  Prior to the birth I took a RRL tincture daily and also another herbal tincture my naturopath recommended and I also made sure my iron levels were good. 

 

We are planning another HB in May.

 

I will add that my dh was not on board at first and had some questions.  His fears of PPH were put at ease by the fact that the MW is very prepared with drugs for PPH if needed.  They are also so much more vigilant and aware of what's going on during and after the birth.  They don't wait until the last possible moment to transfer if it's needed either.  My MW is also an RN and had previously been an RN on a labor and delivery floor...she became a MW(CDM) due to not liking hospital practices and the way that interventions ended up causing more problems than they helped...so for me that helped with my peace of mind.  But I also know that my dh trusted me because I'm the one that does the research and the reading and he doesn't.  My dh liked the hospital because he could do less since there were so many other people there to help me and wait on me...but for me that's not a good reason to birth there. 

 

As to insurance...you should check your Medicaid...they may cover your HB...I know where I live Medicaid covers for sure a free standing birth center and I'm almost 100% positive they cover a HB as well.  It's definitely worth looking into.

 

Also...I see that he's concerned with transferring...why would that be bad if it indeed needed to happen?  Does he just not want to have to deal with comments or questions that may come with transferring?  Typical HB transfers are not usually serious emergencies(at least from my research and reading).

 

Hugs mama and I hope it all works out for you to have your HB.


S, mama to L(DD)-12/04, K(DS1)-12/06, C(DS2)-03/09 & B(DS3)-05/11

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L&Ksmommie, thank you for sharing your story. 

What a pain that L&D nurse must have been. Honestly when they were massaging my uterus after DD was born it hurt more than labor did except for crowing. I remember laying there go "ow, ow ow you are really hurting me!" and they all just kinda laughed and kept going..Grr it was not cool, and definitely made bonding with DD a little challenging while I was being pummeled on the stomach.

 

Anyway as far as my DH being afraid of transferring this is the one thing I don't get. We are not far from a hospital and will actually be moving closer to the hospital before the birth. He just keeps saying "what if you have to transfer?!" All I can assume is that he thinks you only transfer when you are literally dying you know? I don't think he understands that most of the time transfers are not so urgent that a minute or two will make a huge difference. 

 

We have our first consultation with a MW next wednesday and he actually googled a list of questions to ask and guess which website came up first on the google search! Mothering.com of course and it brought it right to this forum where nice ladies have compiled intensely detailed lists of questions. He is going to print them  out and he said "literally ask them every single one." So I am pleased he is taking an active interest in it. 

 

Unfortunately our state's version of medicaid, Masshealth, in NO WAY covers HB. I have already spoken to them on the phone and besides the person not even understanding what I asked, apparently I came off as completely insane because they kept saying "well you can see a CNM affiliated with a hospital, why not just do that?" Sigh, that is what I did last time, I already know thats covered thanks.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

L&Ksmommie, thank you for sharing your story. 

What a pain that L&D nurse must have been. Honestly when they were massaging my uterus after DD was born it hurt more than labor did except for crowing. I remember laying there go "ow, ow ow you are really hurting me!" and they all just kinda laughed and kept going..Grr it was not cool, and definitely made bonding with DD a little challenging while I was being pummeled on the stomach.

 

Anyway as far as my DH being afraid of transferring this is the one thing I don't get. We are not far from a hospital and will actually be moving closer to the hospital before the birth. He just keeps saying "what if you have to transfer?!" All I can assume is that he thinks you only transfer when you are literally dying you know? I don't think he understands that most of the time transfers are not so urgent that a minute or two will make a huge difference. 

 

We have our first consultation with a MW next wednesday and he actually googled a list of questions to ask and guess which website came up first on the google search! Mothering.com of course and it brought it right to this forum where nice ladies have compiled intensely detailed lists of questions. He is going to print them  out and he said "literally ask them every single one." So I am pleased he is taking an active interest in it. 

 

Unfortunately our state's version of medicaid, Masshealth, in NO WAY covers HB. I have already spoken to them on the phone and besides the person not even understanding what I asked, apparently I came off as completely insane because they kept saying "well you can see a CNM affiliated with a hospital, why not just do that?" Sigh, that is what I did last time, I already know thats covered thanks.

 

This is so true...I hate having it done but know it's necessary.  I don't remember it hurting as badly with my HB as it did in the hospital.

 

And I'd definitely ask your dh what he's thinking when he asks about transferring...it would be good to know if he's thinking near death situations only or something else.

 

I hope your consultation goes well!
 

 


S, mama to L(DD)-12/04, K(DS1)-12/06, C(DS2)-03/09 & B(DS3)-05/11

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#26 of 26 Old 03-10-2011, 09:07 AM
 
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My dh was against HB,but it was the only way I could imagine birthing my babies. If I had to transfer I would ofcourse. For me a hospital birth would be sooooo stressful that it would have affected the labor and birth. For dh a hospital birth is good because others are in control,and they have all the technology for *issues*

 

 Dh never felt 100% about HB but he went along with it. Thankfully all went well enough and my kids(over 9 pounds each time) were born at home.

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