Anyone else with past birth trauma/vicarious trauma trying to decide on homebirth? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 1 Old 04-23-2011, 06:43 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby and am considering homebirth after having all prenatal care thus far with a freestanding birth center. My first was born in the hospital, a pretty smooth unmedicated birth considering my baby was born OP, and I had amazing support. I've been working as a doula since then. The first homebirth I attended had a dramatic and tragic outcome, and another couple of births I attended at home were also vicariously traumatic and I feel have affected my decisions with my own pregnancy, as much as I am a staunch advocate for a woman's right to choose homebirth. 


I began my care with the birth center as sort of an easy middle ground--we'd just moved to a new area and I knew my insurance would cover it and I knew my husband was on board. After a rushed-feeling visit with one of the midwives last week I started looking into homebirth. I don't know if it's because I actually want to give birth at home, or if I just want the comfort of a care provider who really knows me. A relationship. It's hard to find that rotating among 4 midwives each may change as my visits become more frequent, but still. I met a lovely CNM who is over an hour away, but has been very patient as I try to navigate this decision.


My mother is very uncomfortable with the idea of homebirth after witnessing some traumatic births herself, and after being the "rock" for me when I called right after witnessing the births I did. I really want her to be a part of my birth, as she was a huge part of the reason I got through my first one. She has always been a champion for natural birth and one of the reasons I never doubted myself during my first birth experience. If I choose homebirth this time, I know she will be a nervous wreck and create some energy that I'm not interested in having at my birth, as much as I want her there.


I'm also not sure if I'M 100% ready to release my fears & past traumatic experiences enough to choose homebirth for this baby. I know I am not interested in a hospital birth at all, so I feel like I'm choosing between two very similar and both lovely options, but I wonder if in another couple of years I will regret not choosing homebirth. So hard trying to think of the future.


Is there anyone else struggling with past traumatic experiences with regard to choosing birth location this time around? 

Mama to one darling and wild 3 year old, and growing a tiny new June Bean.
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