"Home" birth in a place that is not your home - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 30 Old 06-05-2011, 01:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We are moving to another state in about a month and will likely not be able to purchase our own home.  Most likely we will be living short term in an apartment or rental house until we find a house to buy.  It is also likely that I will give birth to this baby before that happens.  I'm having a really hard  time envisioning birthing in a house that is not my "own."  I'm also having a hard time knowing that I will leave the place where my baby was born. 

 

I had my second child at my home here and I'm feeling emotional about leaving this house- his place of birth. I  was really looking forward to birthing our next baby in a house that we planned on living in for many years and burying the placenta in the back yard.  Now I'm faced with this situation and I just don't know what to do, think, or feel.

 

Dh keeps trying to help by saying things like "it's not the place, it's the memory, which you'll always have."  He's not trying to trivialize my feelings, he's said so, but I just can't shake these feelings of sadness about leaving these places where I have birthed my children.

 

I would love to hear experiences from women that have birthed in a place that was not their permanent home and how you felt about birthing in someone else's space as well as how you felt about leaving it shortly thereafter.

 

Thanks!


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#2 of 30 Old 06-05-2011, 03:58 PM
 
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I gave birth in rented house. It wasn't ours, but it was our home so I didn't feel weird about birthing there. We moved out when the baby was about 9 months old. I was a little sad when i thought about leaving and when I looked at our room where she was born that one last time, I got a little weepy. That's about it though.

 

If you feel sad, embrace it, let yourself work out those feelings now so you can let them go. tell dh you need to talk about your feelings with out reassurance. I'm sure you're a logical enough person to realize that you can have a good birth anywhere if it's on your own terms and that you'll love your baby no matter where he's born! It's okay to be upset about leaving your home and the birth space you loved, go with it!

 

The only actual peice of advice I will give you is this. When we were waiting to move into our home now we stayed in an apartment for 3 weeks while we waited for our closing. I HATED it, it was gross and the longer we stayed the more I hated it. I would have been horrified if I had to give birth there. So if you can, just make sure you pick temporary hpousing you actually like, or you make it a place you can like before you go into labor! (if I had scrubbed that place from top to bottom, I probably could have delt with it.)


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#3 of 30 Old 06-05-2011, 04:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Banana, that was really helpful to hear.  smile.gif


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#4 of 30 Old 06-06-2011, 09:00 AM
 
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I'm sorry you're struggling with this.  Try to embrace the sadness and go through a little grieving process with this.  It's ok to feel sad, and it's also ok that you are moving on.  I gave birth to all three of my children at home.  The first was in a horrible little apartment, the second in a friends basement bedroom, and the third in a house dh and I owned but have now sold.  I have my memories of all those births and not living there anymore hasn't diminished the specialness of them.


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#5 of 30 Old 06-07-2011, 04:01 PM
 
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I haven't done it yet, but I will be birthing at home in the next couple of weeks (due in 5 days). I love my home, and I've only lived here for 8 months...and we rent. I know we won't be here for more than a few years but having moved around a lot in my life, I know there's something sweet about just being able to remember a place, or drive by it (or where it used to stand!). Don't know how helpful that is, sorry! I also agree with the PP about letting yourself be sad and asking your partner just to listen rather than console. 


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#6 of 30 Old 06-08-2011, 07:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone... it really is helpful to hear that so many of you have done this and didn't feel as though it was totally gut wrenching to leave.  I also don't hear any of you saying that the rental/temporary home didn't feel comfortable or didn't feel like home, so that's good, too.

 

I will try to just let myself feel how I feel, but attempt to not let it get in the way of doing what we need to do, which is most likely rent for a few months to a year before moving into our more permanent home.


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#7 of 30 Old 06-09-2011, 04:42 AM
 
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My last birth took place in a rental apartment. We moved and on one of my last trips there I stood in the bedroom, in the spot where the pool was set up and my daughter was born and I sobbed. We're now living in a rental house, my EDD is tomorrow, and I know that I'll eventually move, stand in this babes birth spot and do the same sort of mourning. For me it's important to honour the sadness of leaving but also to realise that there is precious little we get to hold onto for long - life is fluid.

 

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#8 of 30 Old 06-10-2011, 05:28 PM
 
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I've never given birth, but am 19 weeks pregnant now and will be giving birth in a birth center, not at home.  My husband and I are currently living with his grandmother (crappy situation, long story) and will be for some time, so I wouldn't do a home birth here, simply because I am not comfortable in this house.  I just wanted to offer some support :)

 

I wonder if you can have particular items you use/ set up during labor that can become mementos later; a particular blanket for the bed, maybe, or a photo album you look though while laboring, or a cd you make specifically for labor?  Maybe creating a tangible marker of that experience can help the transition from rental apartment to next home.  When you're in your new home you can set up a little area in baby's room with those special pieces?  Just a thought...

 

Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and delivery!


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#9 of 30 Old 06-11-2011, 05:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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All good ideas MrsKatie, though I wonder if I'll really be noticing specific items in the space or just the feeling of the space as I did with my last birth.  There wasn't much time to be looking around or doing much of anything except laboring as I was already 5+cm when I went into labor.   Who knows how #3 will go, but the responses here have helped me realize that many women birth in a temporary place and it's okay.


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#10 of 30 Old 06-11-2011, 10:56 AM
 
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Yep I am giving birth in a rental.   When my late DH and I moved into this house I was sad we agreed to have no more children because this house just felt so calm and perfect for a homebirth.   Now he has passed away, I have been seeing a wonderful man and we are expecting our first together and planning a homebirth.  I know I will only be in this house for about a year longer.   He is building a home for us on his land.  While part of me wishes that he could have the house ready NOW so I could give birth to our son in our home.  I plan to take lots of pictures not only of the birth but of the way I have my birth area set up so that I have those memories. 

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#11 of 30 Old 06-16-2011, 03:39 PM
 
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Yep!  Gave birth in a rental too.  We left around DS 9th month.  I was sad, naturally due to the memories there but they are forever in our minds.  We live (as the crow flies) about 5 miles from our birth home.  We drive by from time to time and remember.  Just makes me smile.  There have been 3 total children born in that little cottage.  Must be a birthing place.  We decided to buy a tree and planted it in a HUGE pot with our placenta.  It has traveled with us to our new home. 

 

Not to worry.  I agree with PP's about just finding a good rental that you enjoy. 


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#12 of 30 Old 06-20-2011, 07:32 PM
 
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I am also planning my home birth in a rental and not a house either... an apartment with neighbors to the right, above and below. Sheepish.gif

 

But, I'm comfy here and I'll likely stay for a few years before moving on to rent or buy a house, depending on the circumstances. Like a PP poster said, I can always drive by this place or where it used to be, years in the future. I also like another PP's advice to make a tangible memory... like a music CD or something else... I will have a quilt for directly after postpartum that has a lot of memories already attached to it.


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#13 of 30 Old 06-21-2011, 12:44 PM
 
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Think about all the women who have their babies in a hospital?  That's certainly not something you can keep forever.  Having a solid place is actually not the norm at all.

 

My first two were hospital births, my next two were born at home, but different houses, both rented.  In fact, I've never had 2 babies in the same house.  We've moved between each one of them!  But, I still have good memories, and fuzzy feelings about where I was and all.  And like others said, it was our things that made it home.  I can feel the area around me and the tree in the backyard, etc, when I think of when my third was brand new.  But, I also have the feeling of leaning against the end of our bed, holding her and feeling like I knew her forever.  The house is different, but when I lean against our bed, the memories come back to me sometimes. 


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#14 of 30 Old 06-21-2011, 02:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just1More View Post

Think about all the women who have their babies in a hospital?  That's certainly not something you can keep forever.  Having a solid place is actually not the norm at all.

 

 

Awesome point.  We still have the same bed as when our kiddo was born (bought a new one preggo for the family bed) however I birthed him in a rented tub.  Rented tub...  didn't feel bad about returning it winky.gif.  Same idea?
 

 


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#15 of 30 Old 06-22-2011, 06:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just1More View Post

Think about all the women who have their babies in a hospital?  That's certainly not something you can keep forever.  Having a solid place is actually not the norm at all.

 

 

 

Right, I realize it's not the norm, but that is actually one of the many reasons (though certainly not my number one reason) I don't want a hospital birth.  I don't like the idea of birthing somewhere and then leaving.  I did that with my first at a birth center and I still feel a sense of loss thinking about that place and knowing I'll likely never see it again (it was in AZ and we've moved twice since then and are now moving again).   Moving so much, I think, makes me especially nostalgic- needing to find places to hold on to.

 

But it is what it is and I will simply have to deal and make the most of it.  Thanks for all your supportive words.


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#16 of 30 Old 06-22-2011, 07:41 PM
 
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I have to travel 2.5 hours to even be Near a hospital in September. We plan to rent an apartment near the hospital for the birth We are too far out to safely transport if we need to get to a hospital. I am useing homebirth midwives I really like! As much I want to birth here at my house, safety is most important. DH is a firefighter/emt and he doesn't feel we are equipt to deal with an emergancy in a timely manner...we are also in the mountains and road conditions can make travel even harder if its stormy.  I still wish I could birth at home, but its a good compromise.

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#17 of 30 Old 06-25-2011, 02:12 PM
 
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I'm dealing with this situation as well.  While DEMs are legal in SC, none of them attend VBAC since it is considered 'high risk'.  I'm looking at birthing in NC with a homebirth midwife and considering either birthing at her house, or at a hotel (Hotel would be 1hr drive, her home a 2hr drive. 


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#18 of 30 Old 06-25-2011, 10:56 PM
 
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Most towns have short term, furnished rentals out here in Cali. I'd be nervous birthing in a hotel, I'd be too loud and probably end up with security called on me!  I just want DH and the midwives at this birth. My previous hospital births felt too Public, my privacy is very important too me.  If all goes as planned it will be so nice just to not have to deal with the hospital's crappy policies and paperwork.

I have gotten some negative response to my plan, but its common practice travel to a good birth location if one isn't near by.  Ina May Gaskin's Spiritial Midwifery has stories of women traveling from all over to birth at the Farm.

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We're TTC and living in an apartment.  We will likely still be here when I give birth (hopefully it doesn't take a year for me to get pg!)  It's not how I always envisioned it, but I'm okay with that.  Like PPs said, it's our things that make it home.  This apartment feels like home.  :)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by goldenwillow View Post

Yep!  Gave birth in a rental too.  We left around DS 9th month.  I was sad, naturally due to the memories there but they are forever in our minds.  We live (as the crow flies) about 5 miles from our birth home.  We drive by from time to time and remember.  Just makes me smile.  There have been 3 total children born in that little cottage.  Must be a birthing place.  We decided to buy a tree and planted it in a HUGE pot with our placenta.  It has traveled with us to our new home. 

 

Not to worry.  I agree with PP's about just finding a good rental that you enjoy. 



I love that idea!  SO asked me what I was going to do with the placenta.  I told him I didn't know, because I wanted to plant a tree with it, but we don't have a yard to plant it in.  :(  He wasn't too keen on the idea of keeping it in the freezer.  I think you just solved the dilemma!  :D


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#20 of 30 Old 07-02-2011, 12:09 PM
 
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Ohh that gave me a great idea!  I am living in a rental now.   I didn't want to keep the placenta in the fridge till I move but when I move it will be to a new house that DF is building us on his land.  Maybe I can get him to plant a tree along with the placenta on his land after the baby is born.   Kind of makes me feel like setting down roots there for myself and this baby before the house is even built.  Thanks for the comments on the plants because that is what gave me the idea.

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#21 of 30 Old 07-04-2011, 07:29 AM
 
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I love that idea!  SO asked me what I was going to do with the placenta.  I told him I didn't know, because I wanted to plant a tree with it, but we don't have a yard to plant it in.  :(  He wasn't too keen on the idea of keeping it in the freezer.  I think you just solved the dilemma!  :D


Our Bradley class instructor told us one of her placentas was in her freezer and my husband and I were kinda grossed out.  We ended up having ours in our freezer for about a year lol.gif.  Having a baby gives you a new ideas about things like that. 

 

Wanted to add... it was incredible taking a "tour" of our placenta after our LO was born.  It was amazing to see.  Then into the freezer!

 


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#22 of 30 Old 07-07-2011, 11:16 AM
 
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Hi, Jaimee. We are in the same ddc! Anyway, Ijust wanted to commiserate, we have no idea where we will be birthing but it probably won't be our own home or even space. It will probably be someone elses home or a extended stay hotel room because they have kitchens. We have no idea and it is so stressful! I totally understand feeling sad it won't be your own special place.


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#23 of 30 Old 07-07-2011, 11:42 AM
 
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My last baby was born in a house we were renting. I also felt sad about having to leave. We bought a house during my pregnancy and waited months for closing... we ended up moving in when DS2 was just 3 months old. I understand how difficult it can be to know you have to leave a place you gave birth and how attached you can feel to that place after such a big event.

 

I know that it probably sounds weird but that was the main reason I wanted to birth in my bed. I had a pool that I labored in but I really, really, really wanted him to be born in our bed. I guess it was because we were moving but I'm pretty attached to my bed and I knew we were taking it with us. I just attached the memories of him being born to the bed and not to the house. Worked for me. :) I was a little sad when we left our old house but I loved our new home so much that it was okay! I can't wait to give birth in OUR home this time but it will still be in our bed. LOL! 


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#24 of 30 Old 07-07-2011, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies!  We did sign a lease for a rental house, which we'll be living in for at least a year.  I'm feeling pretty excited about it now that it's settled.  It has a giant pinkish tub in the master bathroom.  Dh joked that it's the color of placenta- perfect for the birth.  The house is spacious, updated, and clean and feels like it will be quite nice.  It's really helped knowing where we'll be.  One step at a time I guess.  smile.gif

 

5892095881_abc84d8479.jpg  The "Placenta Tub"  lol.gif


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#25 of 30 Old 07-07-2011, 02:26 PM
 
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WOW!  Great tub!  Good for you.  Awesome.


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#26 of 30 Old 07-13-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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That tub is perfect! We had a big wonderful tub at our last house and it was PERFECT for birthing in.

 

My DS was born in a home we were renting, and we moved when he was 5 months old. We decided if we were throwing away money on rent every month, it may as well be as little money as possible, so we're in a teeny apartment. And now I'm expecting #3. Honestly, I hate it here. I can't even imagine giving birth in this apartment, and if I let myself think about it too much it gets in the way of enjoying my pregnancy. It was kind of emotional to move, but knowing it was a rental and not really "home" helped me not ever become too attached to the house in the first place.

 

I totally understand your need to hold onto something. We've lived in 5 states in 7 years - I hate moving all the time. And I know we're likely still 2 houses away from being settled somewhere long term. I wish that we were in a place that was ours, that we could see ourselves in for years and years and raise our family in one place, but that just isn't the case, and we have to do the best we can.


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#27 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 12:56 PM
 
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I had a water birth in rental apartment 6 months ago. We are just getting ready to move to another rental. We won't be able to buy a house for a couple years. I was just talking to DH today that the only sad thing about leaving this place is the fact that DD was born here. We still have her placenta in the freezer and we decided to bury it in a beautiful park in the mountains, so we can always take her there and tell her about it. 

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#28 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 08:02 PM
 
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I'm giving birth in a rental house this fall. I didn't think much of it until a few days ago and it hit me, "Wow, I'm going to have to leave this house someday." But my mom had to leave the house where she had me and then the house where she had my next three siblings and she did OK so I figure I will too. (She is still in the house where the youngest three were born. Yes, I'm the oldest of 7!) I ride by the house where I was born quite often. I showed it to DH and now every time we go by he mentions it before I do, "Hey, baby [insert his nickname for me here] was born here!!" So it's sad we can't be in that place but we can ride by and remember (not that I remember...but my parents can) and that's pretty cool. I am a very sentimental person so I plan to have DH take tons of pictures and I hope we don't have to leave for at least a few more years. :)


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#29 of 30 Old 07-18-2011, 03:16 PM
 
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I recently drove past the apt. where DD1 was born -- and yeah, I felt a pretty strong attachment to that tiny, gross place. Some great memories happened there.

 

Before DD2 was born, we moved into a rental that I knew would be temporary, and came to terms with the idea that we'd move and leave our "birthing house" behind. I decided to plan her placenta at my parents house (a couple of hours away) because it was more permanent.  Little did I know that I would go on to have 2 more babies in this house... it really is a birthing house -- my MW has assisted with 5 births here!  And let me tell you, it is an old, somewhat run-down, double-wide with the original carpeting and paneled walls.  Needless to say, it feels like home!

 

We're going to be moving sometime next year, and as eager as I am to have our own place (like where we can paint the walls and put in a real garden), I will be sad to leave the place where 3 of our kiddos were born.


Mama to 4 girls    chicken3.gif5/05, 12/07, 9/09, 3/11   winner.jpghomeschool.gifhomebirth.jpg

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#30 of 30 Old 07-27-2011, 04:16 PM
 
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I gave birth to my twins in a temporary rental home we had rented just for the birth (since I traveled to another state to have a twin hbac).  Honestly, I was more attached to the idea of giving my babies the best possible entrance into the world than I was with where it happened.  I would have loved for it to be in a home we'd all be in forever, but that just wasn't an option.  The fun part-- every time we happen to be in the area where we went for the birth (it was 2 hours from where we were living at the time and a good 4ish hours from where we live now), we stop by the little house and tell the kids the stories of the month we spent there!

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Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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