Interested in homebirth...husband is NOT - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 07-07-2011, 09:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sure this type of thing has come up before, but I am pregnant with our 3rd child, and am really considering a homebirth this time. My H has said time and again that's where he draws the line. He knows it can be safe, but is so worried about the "what if". I've had two complication free natural deliveries in hospitals, and while it wasn't ideal, I can do it again. I just, I want a tub this time. I want comfort, I don't want to have to "fight" to not have that monitor strapped to me. I don't want to listen to the condescending resident who will no doubt come talk to me because I refuse certain procedures for my newborn (hep b and eye drops). I also would like to encapsulate the placenta, and I don't know if my hospital will "allow" me to take it home. After serious PPD last time, I will switch hospitals at the very least if they give me trouble with that.

 

My H is great, just hard to get him out of the mainstream mindset. I've been successful with cloth diapers, natural birth, circumsision, and delayed vaccines though- so there's hope. winky.gif

 

What do you suggest? If you had to convince your H, how did you do it? He's seen the business of being born and other videos, he's seen me fight in the hospital. His reasoning is that IF something went wrong, something that needed immediate attention and we didn't get it and something happened, he'd never be able to live with himself. If a birth center were an option, that would be a great middle ground, but we have none of those here.


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#2 of 13 Old 07-07-2011, 09:26 AM
 
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I would suggest visiting some midwives so he can have his questions answered and his concerns addressed by a professional. Would he at least be willing to do that? Maybe once he hears their answers and sees just how skilled and knowledgeable they are, he could change his mind.  Luckily I didn't have to convince my dh, but I have had to convince others in my family. I suggested they read Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincent, which is full of awesome homebirth stories. I think reading so many homebirth stories helped to normalize it for them. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth is also good. She is just so matter-of-fact that it's hard not to be convinced by her wisdom and experience.

 

Good luck!

 

ETA: Maybe you could try educating him on the what-if's of a hospital birth, which, honestly, are much more likely. Unecessary interventions, greater risk of ppd, booby traps, etc.

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#3 of 13 Old 07-07-2011, 09:27 AM
 
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I bought my hubby a book called The Father's Homebirth Handbook. It is alot of info along with tons of birth stories told by fathers. It is a very good read. Also, when he asks the question, "What if something goes wrong?", follow up with, "What if something goes wrong in the hospital?" My hubby could not get passed that. We all asume that you will be safe in the hospital, but how long does it take to perform and emergencey c-section? For us (we live very close to the hospital) it would take the same amount or more time to get from the birthing room to the OR that it would to get from home to the OR. The important thing is that you call ahead so they can be ready when you get there.

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#4 of 13 Old 07-07-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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I also decided on a homebirth after 2 previous hospital births. My DP and I talked about it a lot, though he was pretty supportive from the start. It was a financial issue for us, really. A hospital birth would have cost us nothing (not a single penny) but a homebirth was $3000 for the midwife plus the birth kit, pool and other expenses. 

 

I suggest watching The Business of Being Born together. We were halfway through that movie when he looked at me and said "There is no way this baby is being born in a hospital." Plain and simple. It really convinced him. He is a "fact" sort of guy and the movie is presented factually and in a straight forward manner. I highly recommend it for partners that are on the fence.


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#5 of 13 Old 07-07-2011, 04:17 PM
 
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This is what worked for my DH.  thumb.gif  I did the first consultations to meet different MWs.  When I found a birthing center that I liked, I invited DH back.  He got to grill them on all of the "what-ifs" and left feeling a lot better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lkvosu View Post

I would suggest visiting some midwives so he can have his questions answered and his concerns addressed by a professional. Would he at least be willing to do that? Maybe once he hears their answers and sees just how skilled and knowledgeable they are, he could change his mind. 


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#6 of 13 Old 07-08-2011, 05:49 AM
 
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I understand that emergency "crash" c-sections can be performed in as little as 8 minutes.    

 

There frequently IS a difference in being OOH in terms of timing, and people choosing homebirth should choose it with that understanding rather than trying to claim "its the same timing".

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#7 of 13 Old 07-08-2011, 07:47 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jane93 View Post

I understand that emergency "crash" c-sections can be performed in as little as 8 minutes.    

 

There frequently IS a difference in being OOH in terms of timing, and people choosing homebirth should choose it with that understanding rather than trying to claim "its the same timing".


I absolutely agree with this, but always come back to the fact that, for me, assuming I am as "low-risk" as almost every woman in my family has been, there would be greater risks in the hospital to start with.  Not necessarily huge risks, but greater ones.  And I'm just talking about physical risks. 

 

I think sometimes when a homebirthing woman says "the mortality risk is equal (the morbidity risk is lower) at home*" people respond as if the woman said "as long as nothing goes wrong" or "as long as nothing goes significantly wrong."  So people respond "well, yes, but it's best to be in the hospital 'just in case.'" 

 

And it's like...  Nooooo... 

 

You aren't listening.

 

And I mean that.  I'm not even talking about discussing and breaking down various studies and whatnot.  I'm not talking about "I disagree that it's as safe or safer, because of blah."  That's fine.  We can argue that.  I'm saying it's illogical and kind of condescending/paternalistic at its heart to respond that "yes, as long as everything goes fine, it's just as safe, but not if it doesn't." 

 

Pretty sure it's just an effect of avoiding cognitive dissonance, etc. but I'm just saying.  If a person asserts that A is as good as B, overall, in general, statistically speaking, period, she should not be presumed to "mean" that A = B in every instance (and thus need "correcting" by the listener).  Those are two different kinds of assertions.

 

I don't know...  just musing on this, because it comes up a lot.  And I mean even when I say it very explicitly, with disclaimers, "outcomes over populations are equivalent blah blah statistics..."  I get, "well, USUALLY you're right, but blah blah in some cases blah and you have to consider ALL possible outcomes, not just the more common ones yadda."  It's like...  Did you hear me?  I understand those serious cases in which even a low-risk woman would be or have been better off at the hospital, but what I'm saying is that A) there are just as many cases where the opposite is true and B) the overall incidence of either is very low.  Which is another aspect of this...  If you are talking about a cord prolapse with no warning, no AROM, etc., okay, let's talk about that-- you're better off at the hospital.  But if your mental inventory of Things That Can Go Wrong includes things like C/S for FTP, CPD, episiotomies to for "sticky" shoulders, Pitocin given because of slow or "slow" progress...  Not to mention things of varying urgency that happen overwhelmingly to higher-risk women, or things that very directly happen because of hospital intervention-- say, a life-threatening allergic reaction to an epidural medication that absolutely happens suddenly and needs a swift response...  Those are all things that could "go wrong"-- and if you think the hospital is best for all of those things, then you're REALLY treating the speaker like she's naive as h3ll.  Because to you, she's saying "Homebirth is exactly as safe as hospital birth, always" and you're thinking "Sure, it's as safe as hospital birth unless you have a complication-- which is 50% of the time."  (Or at least 25%.  When the true incidence of Things That Go Very Wrong, Very Suddenly in Low-Risk Women and Are Not Caused by Routine Hospital Intervention is far, FAR lower.) 

 

I know I'm not being super-articulate here, but it's a really glaring disconnect that has little to do with actually arguing the safety of homebirth, and it fascinates me.

 

It would be like saying...  "Studies have shown that driving a Honda Accord is just as safe, on average/statistically, as driving a Toyota.  So if you're concerned with safety, either is an equivalently good choice."

 

And someone responds, "Well, yeah, they're both equal... as long as you don't get a defective Accord with bad brakes!  Better to get a Camry."

 

How would that be a logical response, KWIM?

      

 

 

*With all the usual caveats, particularly having a low-risk PG and a skilled care provider, being <15-30 min from a hospital, etc.

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#8 of 13 Old 07-08-2011, 08:06 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jane93 View Post

I understand that emergency "crash" c-sections can be performed in as little as 8 minutes.    

 

There frequently IS a difference in being OOH in terms of timing, and people choosing homebirth should choose it with that understanding rather than trying to claim "its the same timing".


30 minutes is considered "efficient," That is also the time frame recommended by ACOG:

 

 

Quote:
There are no randomized clinical trials demonstrating that the faster a cesarean section is performed, the better the maternal and fetal outcome. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that in an emergency, obstetrical units should be capable of initiating a cesarean section within 30 minutes of a decision to perform the procedure

 

It is because of that first sentence in bold that ACOG's standard is so controversial. 

 

So those anecdotes about cesareans started within a one-digit time frame are largely irrelevant when you consider that there is no proven clinical difference.  In fact, crash cesareans can be extremely dangerous.  From the same link:

 

Quote:
Women have died from anesthetic complications during attempts to perform a crash cesarean section.

 

Quote:
For women with a massive placental abruption, disseminated intravascular coagulation may be present prior to initiating surgery. If a full-service blood bank is not immediately available, initiating a crash cesarean section in this setting can result in the death of the mother from surgical complications.

 

Quote:
Crash cesarean sections have been reported to be associated with an increased rate of obstetrical hemorrhage.


When the available research (easily Google-able, but here's just one example) questions even the 30-minute interval, it's hardly fair to scare the OP into thinking that she'd be safer in a hospital that can, anecdotally speaking, be ready to incise within 8 minutes. 

 

I also understand that 45-60 minutes is the norm at many hospitals, but don't take that as gold until I track down the study...


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#9 of 13 Old 07-08-2011, 08:44 AM
 
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Mine is also concerned about all the what-ifs. He said no in the beginning of my pregnancy, but we lost our insurance last month and he is finally close to agreeing because it's so much less expensive than the birth center. We actually have a consultation with a midwife today so she can answer his questions. I'll let you know how it goes!

 

Do you have any friends/family that have had homebirths? One of their husbands might be willing to talk to him about it.


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#10 of 13 Old 07-08-2011, 09:02 AM
 
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Your husband sounds SOOOO much like mine. We are pregnant with our first and are having a home birth. Its something I discussed with him before getting pregnant. He said no no no time and time again. We decided we would do a birthing center to meet middle ground. the closest one is 2 hours away. I gave him the choice, "we can do the 2 hour away birthing center and risk having an unassisted home birth, or birthing in the car, OR we can have the home birth with a midwife present" He kinda agreed to have it at home. I am 20 weeks now, he is ok with hit, but if I changed my mind and said, "we are doing it in the hospital" he would be right there ready to go.

 

I learned that his biggest "concern" is what other people think. I think he thought his dad would think we were total nut jobs for wanting a home water birth. When we told his dad, his dad was right on board with us and now Mmy husband is completely fine with it. He will NOT watch the business of being born and anything invovling keeping or eating the placenta, really throws him off. He then jumps into, "See, all these home birthing people are crazy". I think its everyone's own personal choice.

 

If its a boy, he won the circumcision battle. Its not something I want done, but it wasnt a battle I was willing to fight over.

Vaccines, we too have agreed to delay and he sometimes fights me on those things- not so much delaying, but selecting not to do some.

 

If you have a delayed schedule you are going by, I would LOVE for you to send it to me!

 

And he also was against cloth diapers because again, its not "normal" because 'everyone else' uses disposable. But I bought some Gdiapers and showed him how they worked and how awesome they were, he fell in love. He still doesnt like the idea of cloth wipes, but I remind him, "I'm the one doing 90% of the diaper changes here so not to be rude, your opinion only counts for 10%" :-)

 

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#11 of 13 Old 07-08-2011, 10:25 AM
 
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It always seems to be the "what if something goes wrong?" issue with partners and homebirth.  My standard response is along the lines of, if you're in a hospital you're alone for the most part.  You'll have a nurse check on you every hour, assuming you're not high-risk or on continuous monitoring.  Who's going to know if something goes wrong?  At least at home I had my midwife by my side the entire time, monitoring me with her eyes and ears.  The odds are that if something did go wrong she'd notice it, call the hospital, and get me there faster than if I was already at the hospital, by myself, waiting for someone to notice.

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#12 of 13 Old 07-12-2011, 09:10 PM
 
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My husband was the exact same way. This is our first. My brothers and I were birth center and home births. But for him, until he met me he didn't know ANYONE else who had given birth outside a hospital. To him, the hospital was just "the way it's done" and anything else was crazy. He agreed--reluctantly--to a birth center, but a home birth was NOT an option. I was willing to deal with that, even though the nearest birth center was over an hour away, but it wasn't ideal.

 

I was reading tons of books--Ina May's books, Bradley books, etc--and I read him excerpts about the safety of home birth, the way they dealt with problems that arose, and the problems with hospitals. If your husband is like mine, he will never pick up a book himself! I also watched a movie with him (he OFFERED to watch it--you should have seen my jaw drop) called Pregnant in America about a couple's experience and discoveries in the American medical system. By the time he had heard and seen all of that, he had come around to the idea of a home birth. Now he won't let me consider a hospital because he knows it's not what I want.

 

I read an article on a midwife's website (can't remember the site now, sadly) that emphasized an interesting point. She said, the question is not "what if something goes wrong?" it's, "what if everything goes right?" If nothing went wrong, you wouldn't need a midwife! You could do it all by yourself (which I know, a lot of women do!). To me, the midwife's job is not to deliver the baby (that's my job!). Her job is to recognize if and when something is going wrong, and deal with it accordingly.

 

I don't know if any of that will help your DH feel more comfortable--every guy is different and COMPLETELY unpredictable. But it worked for mine, so maybe it'll work for yours. :D


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#13 of 13 Old 07-17-2011, 10:40 AM
 
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I had my DH watch the Business of Being Born and Pregnant in America along with meeting our midwife with questions. That really helped him feel comfortable about it. Good luck!

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