Almost 18 weeks and husband just now voiced concern over homebirth plans - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 05-27-2012, 07:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ug! :( It took three years for me to get pregnant with baby #3, and the whole time, I talked about how I wanted a home birth. I have secured a home birth midwife, and am happily making plans.

 

Tonight, I showed him the fishy pool that is so popular for home births. He got this weird look on his face, and said that he's not really sure about this whole "home birth thing." ::blink blink:: But I've been talking about it for over three years. And he said he was okay with it after seeing the Business of Being Born and another documentary on home birth multiple times each, and talking to other friends who had home births. 

 

But now... at almost half way through my pregnancy... he's not sure??? He said he will go along with whatever I want, which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. How do I get across to him that his negative vibes will directly affect the labor and delivery process?

 

There is still time for him to come around and get on board, but I am so apprehensive now. I have no plans to change to a hospital birth, but dang. I feel like I can't count on him to come through for me right now.

 

Have any of you gone through this? I'd love to hear words of wisdom, or suggestions for how to help him become more comfortable with this idea. 

 

I feel like someone just pulled a rug out from under me. :(


~Jennifer :
Mom to Aiden (March 2005) and James (April 2006), pregnant with baby #3, due November-ish

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#2 of 7 Old 05-27-2012, 07:56 PM
 
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Has he met your midwife?  Like had a sit down with her and you to voice  concerns?  My DH was completely on board- but if he hadn't been I would have wanted them to talk.  Have the two of you come up with your back up plan for transfer?  Have you discussed why you would transfer and what say he would have in the matter?  He could be concerned for you or it could be something silly like won't this create a huge mess (which was one of my initial concerns.....)


Iowaorganic- mama to DD (1/5/06), DS1 (4/9/07), DS2 (1/22/09), DS3 (12/10/10), DD2 (7/6/12) and a new kid due in early 2014

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#3 of 7 Old 05-27-2012, 09:06 PM
 
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my DH was the same way. he said yes bc i wanted to, watched business of being born and knew it was safe. but the whole time he is worried. the closer we get to the day the better he gets about it. it is paid for, the stuff has been bought, etc. he is trying not to think about it but it def helped for him to meet the midwives several times. and to be reassured he wouldnt have to cut the cord. lol. he is supportive but he has the lingering feeling about it being dangerous bc that is what he was always told. 


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#4 of 7 Old 05-30-2012, 08:01 AM
 
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We had a similar issue but the other way around at about 30 weeks. I was suddenly terrified of everything that could go wrong but DH stayed confident and trusted my midwife to transfer me if needed. We sat and talked with my midwife about my concerns, went over everything I could need to transfer for (again) and he just kept making sure that I was feeling more secure about the home birth. Knowing I was really being heard helped a lot, and my midwife is so good with explaining things to me that I really felt reassured. I think it's worth it to have him verbalize his concerns (I didn't do this for about a week, I just laid awake at night worrying which didn't help at all!), then to have your midwife help him to work through them. One thing that really helped me to feel better that DH mentioned is that you're getting so much one on one care and monitoring and great continuity of care with a homebirth midwife. That reminded me I'm in good hands and won't have to worry about new nurses at change of shift thumb.gif

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#5 of 7 Old 05-30-2012, 10:00 AM
 
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I think it's "normal" for parents to have evolving feelings about all things parenting, especially birth, during pregnancy.  Having planned 2 homebirths 10 years apart, I even consider myself to be evolving and changing how I feel about homebirth. I don't really have any suggestions on how to help him come around other than the obvious: read, talk to MW and etc. What I think I would do is take this time to let birth be about you and your baby. While of course you want your partner to be involved, I also think there's something to be said for going a bit internal with birth - letting this be a journey for just you and your new baby. I can also see some good that can come from honoring your partner's support. Not to sound all cheezy but in some ways support in something he's not 100% sure about is a greater gift. 


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#6 of 7 Old 05-30-2012, 11:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your replies, everyone!

 

I gave my husband a long monologue about the virtues of HB, and how well-qualified our midwife is, and I reassured him that I am not trying to be a hero-if we need to transfer, we will do so the moment the midwife says the word. And etc. I don't think it completely convinced him, but he has at least been nicer since then. ha I also made sure he knows that the hospital is exactly 6.4 miles away. 

 

He's partly afraid that, if we need a transfer, we will be treated like second-class citizens by the hospital staff. He acknowledges that there is an awful lot of bias against home birth that is unfounded, but of course that wouldn't stop someone who is opposed to HB from letting their opinion color the way they treat us. I actually this is a big one of his fears. He wants to know that, in the event of a transfer, we will walk in and be taken care of just like anyone else. I think meeting the midwife will help with that fear-she was a hospital nurse for ten years before she made the switch to midwifery.

 

So. I'll let him stay. haha :) thanks again!


~Jennifer :
Mom to Aiden (March 2005) and James (April 2006), pregnant with baby #3, due November-ish

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#7 of 7 Old 05-30-2012, 11:50 AM
 
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Do you have an OB/ Gyn now that would cover you in case of a transfer? I would take a tour of the hospital too and put his mind at ease (assuming that your other two LOs weren't born there already anyhow). Have him sit down with you and write out a birthplan in case of transfer. Include him in these decisions and maybe he will feel in a little control too.


Mama to DD(6) DS(4) DD(2.5)LO(due July 2012): and loving wife to my great DH
I praise and thank God for my familychicken3.gif

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