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#1 of 27 Old 06-03-2012, 03:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My MIL is a pain in the...ya know.. and I've had her present at two labors, and just wanted to punch her in the face(to put it lightly). She's just beyond annoying when I'm not pregnant and in labor, add on the intensity when I -am-.  I do NOT want her there for our homebirth, but DH is mad that I don't. As I see it the people I want present are: myself, DH, midwife and her assistant, doula, and the kids. MAYBE my best friend if I feel the kids need someone to distract them, but I'm hoping for another middle of the night birth or the neighbors(we're close friends and right across the hall) to take them if need be. I don't want to call ANYONE, not just my MIL until a few hours after the birth. Is this being selfish? 


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#2 of 27 Old 06-03-2012, 03:51 PM
 
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no it's not.


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#3 of 27 Old 06-03-2012, 04:34 PM
 
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Youre not being selfish at ALL - i sooo wish i had been so selfish.  My MIL wasnt here for the birth - but as my DH said "my parents would like to come and see the baby as soon as its born."  ok, sounds reasonable .....both parents, Grandma, TWO brothers AND a family friend  all piled into my living room ....there were so many people i didnt even get a chair!  My DH was busy getting everyone drinks - AND they didnt leave for close to 3 hours!  As if that wasnt bad enough, tehy came back and did it again the NEXT night!!   Frankly, i think it impeded breastfeeding a little! 

give yourself 24 hours before sending out the invites - not selfish AT ALL!


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#4 of 27 Old 06-03-2012, 04:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Youre not being selfish at ALL - i sooo wish i had been so selfish.  My MIL wasnt here for the birth - but as my DH said "my parents would like to come and see the baby as soon as its born."  ok, sounds reasonable .....both parents, Grandma, TWO brothers AND a family friend  all piled into my living room ....there were so many people i didnt even get a chair!  My DH was busy getting everyone drinks - AND they didnt leave for close to 3 hours!  As if that wasnt bad enough, tehy came back and did it again the NEXT night!!   Frankly, i think it impeded breastfeeding a little! 

give yourself 24 hours before sending out the invites - not selfish AT ALL!

Oh no, that's awful!

Unfortunately, at the very least DH will inform his mom the baby was born within a few hours, regardless if we say come or not, she'll show up *sigh*. I'm rooting for a middle of the night birth where we go to sleep right after for the day :)


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#5 of 27 Old 06-03-2012, 05:14 PM
 
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How selfish of you...wanting to get to choose who is in the house when you push a baby out that you carried in your body for the past nine months.

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#6 of 27 Old 06-03-2012, 11:16 PM
 
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You shouldn't feel bad at all. I didn't want anyone at our birth other than dh, my midwife and her assistant. I waited so long to call the midwife that I ended up with just dh and that was way better than having a bunch of people there.


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#7 of 27 Old 06-04-2012, 02:10 AM
 
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Absolutely not selfish at all.  My birth will be hubby, doula, and OB/nurse.  My mom didn't take it well that she wouldn't be in the room, as she felt it was her right since she wasn't at my wedding (we eloped... NO ONE was at our wedding).  I love my mom, but she can be very overbearing and bullheaded when she wants her way, which I do NOT want to deal with when I'm in labor.

 

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#8 of 27 Old 06-04-2012, 04:27 AM
 
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Not even a little bit. It's paramount that you feel comfortable during your labor and birth. It's not a social gathering, it's not a party, and it's not about anyone else but you and your ability to pass your child through your body and into your arms. If anyone is being selfish it's your husband and MIL. Maybe your MW can have a chat with the two of you on the importance and sacredness of your birth space? 

My MIL lives 3 hours away and likes to show up, hold my newborn when I should be bonding and nursing and sleeping and then have nothing to do with him/her from then on out. She doesn't watch the kids so her son and I can rest, wash a dish, ask how she can help, make a meal, nothing. It's about her experience with her freshborn grandchild and nothing more. That won't be happening next time. She can wait a week to put forth her one and only effort to see this next babe. This will cause a fight, I'm sure. Too bad.  


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#9 of 27 Old 06-04-2012, 09:36 AM
 
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I feel you .. my MIL is not THAT annoying but she has been at all 3 of my births..  with #3 (my first homebirth) i decided at the last min (well, last month) that i really didn't want her to come, but DH just didn't understand .. I just wanted to not call her and he 'couldn't do that to her'  - he waited til i was in labor and then called, next time, we're waiting longer .. she did stay out of my way/sight more in my homebirth than my hospital births though.. and she didn't talk .. which was nice.
 


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#10 of 27 Old 06-04-2012, 04:07 PM
 
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My mom was really pissed that I didn't want her at my son's birth (she is SUPER high maintenance, and I just couldn't handle it). It ended up just being me, husband, and midwife (at home). I can't even imagine my MIL wanting to be there--and I adore her!

 

If your husband has a hard time understanding, tell him to try imagining having YOUR mom watch him poop. Yeah. Just think about that for a second. Or either mom watching you have sex. In my opinion, having a baby is somewhere between those two experiences in terms of the amount of privacy you might need.

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#11 of 27 Old 06-05-2012, 07:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nilatti View Post
If your husband has a hard time understanding, tell him to try imagining having YOUR mom watch him poop. Yeah. Just think about that for a second. Or either mom watching you have sex. In my opinion, having a baby is somewhere between those two experiences in terms of the amount of privacy you might need.

This exactly!  I don't really understand why she would really feel it was necessary to be there.  I have never thought I needed to be at anyones birth other than my children's :)  i find it really odd that HE would care so much?  His focus should be on you and you only- not his mom- that is weird.  Anyway- I will have DH, our MW, her apprentice, and perhaps one of our family friends- who is insanely perfect and would be a pleasure to have around :)  I also wouldn't be shy about wanting visits to be super quick.  With our last baby- our first home birth- I stayed in my nightgown sprawled on the couch and didn't get up or give up the baby until it was my idea.  I think DS bf for almost all of every visit.  Which is they job of the baby and you :)


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#12 of 27 Old 06-06-2012, 04:16 AM
 
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If your husband has a hard time understanding, tell him to try imagining having YOUR mom watch him poop. Yeah. Just think about that for a second. Or either mom watching you have sex. In my opinion, having a baby is somewhere between those two experiences in terms of the amount of privacy you might need.

When my SO mentioned a bunch of his friends coming over for my last labour and birth he didn't understand, no matter how I phrased it, my need for a private environment. He said everyone he knows has a party environment and they all bond. He thought I was weird. Regardless, he never mentioned it again and respected my wishes. Hopefully the OPs partner is more understanding redface.gif


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#13 of 27 Old 06-07-2012, 03:55 PM
 
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Ask you MW to help -- she may well be able to "prescribe" some alone time with you and your baby. 


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#14 of 27 Old 06-07-2012, 05:37 PM
 
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As a partner, and the the birthing person in the relationship, I have to agree that your DH is being unreasonable and it should be your choice in who attends your birth.

BUT, also as the partner, I know that I am super nervous about my ability to be a good support partner for my wife during her labour and the birth. It causes me anxiety. Part of me wishes that I had someone there to help in that process.

For our last child, a good friend of ours was there and amazing help. (plus the MW's). I was very thankful.

My wife is going to have twins, in the winter, and I am already nervous. I do feel comfortable and confident that the MW's will be a wonderful help and relief of pressure for me.

 

Maybe your DH wanting his Mum there is a relief to him because he doesn't feel confident in being a birth partner to you?

Maybe having him feel more comfortable with the doula, or going over what his role is and what their roles are will ease some pressure?

 

Or maybe he just knows his Mum is high needs and annoying and he finds it easier to argue with you than to argue with her? Maybe he never learned to say no to his Mum and so he is hoping you will give in so he doesn't have to say no to her?

 

Good luck.

But you are not being selfish and you have all the right to decide who will be present.
 


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#15 of 27 Old 06-07-2012, 08:08 PM
 
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When my SO mentioned a bunch of his friends coming over for my last labour and birth he didn't understand, no matter how I phrased it, my need for a private environment. He said everyone he knows has a party environment and they all bond. He thought I was weird. Regardless, he never mentioned it again and respected my wishes. Hopefully the OPs partner is more understanding redface.gif

This is quite possibly the most bizarre thing I have ever heard... Really?   Giving birth in a party environment?  Has he ever witnessed a birth?  Cause I want dim, silence, and still.....  sooo the opposite of party...


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#16 of 27 Old 06-08-2012, 04:00 AM
 
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This is quite possibly the most bizarre thing I have ever heard... Really?   Giving birth in a party environment?  Has he ever witnessed a birth?  Cause I want dim, silence, and still.....  sooo the opposite of party...

 

The man has some incredibly bizarre ideas and is often mentally removed from anything resembling the reality that I know. When he said this he had already experienced a home water birth with another woman AND me. The birth with me was quiet, peaceful, and only attended by the bare minimum of people. It was gorgeous. So yes, the idea of him inviting friends I don't really know, one of whom brags about having had sex with him, was not ever going to happen. 


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#17 of 27 Old 06-08-2012, 11:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He brought up again(all mopey and was like "Wah wah wah you just dislike my mom"...which isn't far fetched, BUT...haha), and I just told him flat out, if HE wants to know when I'm going into labor/about to birth the baby HIS mother IS NOT attending. He shut up pretty quickly :D


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#18 of 27 Old 06-08-2012, 12:28 PM
 
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What? There is no way that I would invite your mil (or mine, though mine would not be quite as bad). I think your dh does not seem to get birth at all... and I am really surprised that you have endured having your mil there, twice. Crazy!

 

If anyone tried to demand to come to my birth, I would laugh... That is just bizarre. Is FIL **** alive and married to MIL? Maybe you could suggest that next time they are intimate you should be allowed to go sit in the room. Not that you would want to, and not that is is exactly the same... but still.


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#19 of 27 Old 06-08-2012, 01:23 PM
 
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Hell, I don't even like my MIL to see me in a bathing suit.  In labor?  Not in a million years, my friend.  No, no, no.

 

It is the most personal, intimate moment imaginable.  Not a spectator sport UNLESS EVERYONE is on board and delighted for that to be the case.

 

Goodness gracious.


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#20 of 27 Old 06-08-2012, 02:14 PM
 
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A birth, especially a home birth, is about the mother and baby. Making the mother comfortable (both physically and emotionally) is second only to safety for the mother and baby. If not having anyone else there, especially a person who gets on your nerves on a good day is what it takes to make you comfortable then your husband should respect that. It doesn't matter that she has been at your 2 previous births. I personally can think of a whole list of people who I'd invite to my birth, and it doesn't include my MIL or my mother.


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#21 of 27 Old 06-08-2012, 02:50 PM
 
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My MIL is a pain in the...ya know.. and I've had her present at two labors, and just wanted to punch her in the face(to put it lightly). She's just beyond annoying when I'm not pregnant and in labor, add on the intensity when I -am-.  I do NOT want her there for our homebirth, but DH is mad that I don't. As I see it the people I want present are: myself, DH, midwife and her assistant, doula, and the kids. MAYBE my best friend if I feel the kids need someone to distract them, but I'm hoping for another middle of the night birth or the neighbors(we're close friends and right across the hall) to take them if need be. I don't want to call ANYONE, not just my MIL until a few hours after the birth. Is this being selfish? 


I made my MIL wait a week LOL


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#22 of 27 Old 06-16-2012, 03:30 AM
 
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I can't imagine inviting anyone to a birth, and I'm not even on "bad" terms with my MIL.

We warn everyone ahead of time that we'll want a few days to ourselves, I'm super good about posting photos online for everyone in the meantime...

 

After my first, despite not wanting any visitors, everyone came to visit at the hospital and I found it so draining. Then they all converged on our house and although I just wanted to nap with the baby, they all wanted to sit around and visit.

After that we learned our lesson.  Seriously, if someone showed up, we just wouldn't answer the door.

I am very thankful that my DH totally gets this, and appreciates our time alone to figure out our new family dynamic.

 

Regardless...especially for a home birth where there aren't any nurses to shoo people into the waiting area, I would not be comfortable having extra people around.
 


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#23 of 27 Old 06-26-2012, 01:20 PM
 
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My births are attended by DH, Midwives and a student. There will be plenty of time for MIL (and anyone else) to see the new baby; when I am naked, squatting on a bed and pushing said baby out is not one of them!

 

Hopefully your DH has let it go since your last comment to him?

 

ETA: Sarcasm aside, our view is birth is a precious and private experience, not a show for others to enjoy. I think DH and I deserve to be the first ones to meet this little miracle we have created and enjoy the first few minutes of his life, his first breaths, first cry, etc. I wouldn't want to share that amazing moment with anyone else but DH.


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#24 of 27 Old 06-26-2012, 02:49 PM
 
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I don't homebirth but I feel strongly that birth was not meant to be a spectator sport. No way would I have anyone in the room that I did not completely love/trust.
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#25 of 27 Old 06-26-2012, 08:17 PM
 
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Have him read this and get back to you :)

 

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a30717065/scrotum_squats_-_explaining_mil_in_delivery_room_to_dh

 

 

 A shocking number of husbands do not understand just how much they are asking for when they demand MIL be allowed in the delivery room.  DH and I have discussed posts here and he once commented that men just don't have anything to compare it to.  Guys haven't grown up hearing stories about delivery stalling out or what exactly constitutes a 4th degree tear.  (Not an excuse!)  Anyway, I don't claim to be a guru but maybe the following could help somebody get through to a misguided but otherwise decent DH.

Here's a little visualization technique I like to call Scrotum Squats.

Scenario:

You agreed 9 (10!) months ago to a round of Scrotum Squats.  At some time in the next couple of weeks, you will pee yourself or receive some other signal that it is Squats time.  You rush to the hospital where a nurse clamps a weight to your scrotum.  Every 5 minutes you must do squats for 15 seconds.  You can sit in between.  (Good luck getting comfortable!)  Over time you will have less resting time and longer squatting time.  There will be absolutely NO removal of the weight at any time...even if you have to pee.  Oh, did I mention you have to do this in a gaping hospital gown?  A nurse will come inspect your swelling nuts every once in awhile.  (Pray for the gentle one!)  After 10 hours, the event will culminate in somebody yanking the clamp off without loosing it.  Don't worry, if you tear they will stitch you up!

Optional procedure:

You may invite your FIL to help/witness your Squats.  Any time his eyes stray to your tormented balls or he irritates you in any way, your Squats timer has a 1 in 5 chance of increasing by an additional 30 minutes.  Please keep in mind that you will be exhausted and in a great deal of discomfort so your irritability will be even higher than usual.

Pay Off:

You agreed to play Scrotum Squats in order to have a lovely little baby with your wonderful wife.

Question:

Do you really think it would be fair for her to whine about wanting her Daddy there while you are busy Squatting your balls off?

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#26 of 27 Old 06-26-2012, 08:18 PM
 
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Alternately, tell him she is welcome to be there, but he is required to be as naked as you are.


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#27 of 27 Old 07-03-2012, 06:22 PM
 
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  If he can tell them no for me, its always easier.  We have a deal, if either one of us wants out of something, we can say the other said no.  Then we debate in private, but it always starts as a united no.  I hope you guys come to a good understanding.  I initially agreed to MIL at the hospital but it went so quick DH barely made it in time.  Just me....

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