How do I ask these two midwives for what I want? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 09-28-2012, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
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During my last pregnancy, I chose my homebirth midwife based on her advanced experience (trained in Europe and a trainer of LM midwives here). It came in handy. But our personalities didn't match for the work relationship (love her personally) and she didn't support some of my lifestyle choices. I felt nervous every time I went for a visit, and during my birthing time, she acted like I was resisting instructions she hadn't given me.


Towards the end of my pregnancy, she had a personal emergency and left me in the care of a brilliant, respectful and compassionate (but definitely less experienced) midwife. I loved her! My original midwife was the primary at my birth, and the other midwife was the backup (which means she came at the last minute to help with baby). The backup gave me strength and sweetness emotionally while I was completely out of it from bleeding and exhaustion. Meanwhile, the primary listened to my pleas not to transfer me and gave me the chance to stop bleeding, and sewed up my complicated tears.


What I would like this time is to have the backup midwife as my primary for this pregnancy, but also have the other midwife attend my birth. I don't even know if it's possible to get a commitment from a backup midwife--they seem to come on an "as available" basis at the time of birth. (They are not in the same practice.) But how can I broach the topic with either of them?


Just not quite sure what to do. I guess I need to decide if I'd be okay with not having my former primary as backup and then approach my preferred midwife? Is this all just very rude of me?


(Edited for privacy.)

Mama to a bilingual (Arabic/English) and cuddly 3 year old, and planning another peaceful homebirth in June.

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#2 of 5 Old 09-28-2012, 07:53 PM
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You don't really have to say why you don't want the abrasive one as primary unless someone asks.  If she was unhappy with some of your choices, she may be relieved to be a backup choice rather than primary.  I would talk to your choice for primary first and see how she feels about the arrangement.

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#3 of 5 Old 09-28-2012, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for breaking that down to such a simple issue, leafylady. It's true I don't need to be apologetic and can just be straight forward.

Mama to a bilingual (Arabic/English) and cuddly 3 year old, and planning another peaceful homebirth in June.

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#4 of 5 Old 10-03-2012, 04:36 PM
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I would just ask for the back up midwife. You don't have to go into details. This is very important seeing as you should feel completely at ease at your appts and birth. :) GL!

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#5 of 5 Old 10-08-2012, 10:03 AM
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I think the way that would work is you become a client of the MW you like and then communicate with her about who her assistant MW is that she brings to births. You may have a choice and you may not - I think it would be up to how she structures her practice. The issue of back-up in the cases where your MW can't attend is also something you'd want to address. You're essentially switching care providers and that's nothing to worry about - people do it all the time! 

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