The midwives you interview but don't choose - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 04-10-2013, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a silly etiquette question. After interviewing multiple midwives and taking time to decide which one you vibe best with, it seems only polite to notify the ones you did not choose that you won't be needing their services.  What's the best way to do this?  An email, a call?  Should I say I went with someone else, name who or just simply say I won't be needing your services but thanks for your time to meet with me?


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#2 of 11 Old 04-10-2013, 11:22 PM
 
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#3 of 11 Old 04-11-2013, 11:11 AM
 
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I interviewed with three midwives. I emailed the ones I didn't choose. The one who was a close second sometimes subs for the one we picked. In the email to her, I wrote that I really liked her and if something happened where she had to step in, that would be fine with me. I see her socially about every month, and it is not awkward (I worried about this at the time). MWs know that you can choose only one, I don't think they take it personally.

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#4 of 11 Old 04-16-2013, 09:47 AM
 
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Just let them know that you've decided to go with someone else. They're professionals and they know that not everyone is going to be a good fit for them. Coming from my experience as a doula, I would rather a couple choose a doula that they feel is a good fit for them rather than just go with me because they feel bad telling me it's not a good match and I imagine midwives would feel the same way.


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#5 of 11 Old 04-16-2013, 03:52 PM
 
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Unless it's someone you see socially, I don't think you're obligated to call.


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#6 of 11 Old 04-19-2013, 08:07 PM
 
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It doesn't matter how you let them know, just DO let them know, they will not be angry or upset, they just want and need to know, so that they can make sure their schedules work out one way or the other.  That has happened to me 3 times now, I have spoken and/or met with 3 couples who ended up choosing a birth center over home birth, and not one of them let me know.  I ended up finding out from the other midwife.  


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#7 of 11 Old 04-21-2013, 06:43 AM
 
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Thanks for asking this question. I'm in the same boat except that I'm interviewing by email because I'm coming to the US just before my birth. It's actually hard to chose without that in-person *feeling* about each one, but then I wasn't sure how to let the other two down once I've chosen!
 


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#8 of 11 Old 04-21-2013, 09:04 AM
 
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Sometimes people will let me know and that is always nice, just so I know what happened to them. It doesn't hurt my feelings or insult me in any way. You need to choose the best fit for you and you can only hire 1 :)  If you are wanting to get back to the other midwives that you are not hiring it can just be as simple and thanking them for meeting with you and that you found an excellent fit. The only time I have ever had one that turned awkward was when someone wrote me to tell me all the reasons they DIDN"T want to hire me, then the midwife they wanted was booked and then they came back to me to see if I could still take them. 

 

To be honest, it also doesn't bother me if someone doesn't let me know. I tell people that they don't have a spot on my calendar until they confirm with me, so they really have no obligation to me and I have no obligation to them through the interview process, it is just a time for me to share information with them and answer questions. It is always possible that I may book up before they get back to me. 


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#9 of 11 Old 04-22-2013, 11:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks to everyone for their advice!  I still haven't chosen a midwife yet, but hopefully will be choosing one later this week.  My plan is to send an email to the ones I don't choose, letting them know who I went with and that I liked them too (since I really have liked all the midwives I interviewed). Since it seems like the midwife scene in the city I will be having my baby in is pretty close-knit and a lot of the folks I've interviewed sometimes work together as back-ups for the others, I don't want any of them to think I would have a problem with them as a back-up if the midwife I choose calls on them for that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraN View Post

Thanks for asking this question. I'm in the same boat except that I'm interviewing by email because I'm coming to the US just before my birth. It's actually hard to chose without that in-person *feeling* about each one, but then I wasn't sure how to let the other two down once I've chosen!
 

Hey LauraN,

I'm actually doing the same thing!  I'm interviewing remotely and planning to travel to the US at 34 weeks.  I had no idea how common this is before interviewing midwives.  Many have told me they have worked with women either traveling within the US or internationally remotely (usually via Skype) during the prenatal care. I agree, it feels very difficult to get that feeling of a good fit virtually.  Sometimes Skype communication, particularly with folks you don't know, is so awkward on its own. I got lucky and a midwife friend gave me the lowdown on the styles of a bunch of local midwives, so I have a little more to go on than just my feeling on a Skype call.

When will you be travelling to the US? I've gotten mixed messages about what the cut-off point for travel really should be.


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#10 of 11 Old 04-24-2013, 08:19 PM
 
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One of the midwives I interviewed said 32 weeks because she thought it important to have that face to face time to get to know each other. But I'm planningon going at 34 weeks too. I'd rather minimize time away from home since I'm not sure how long it will take to get all the paperwork for the new baby and we could end up being in Atlanta for three months.

Lilmamita, what city are you travelling to? And where are you coming from? My family and I live in Abu Dhabi and we're going to Atlanta where my parents live.

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#11 of 11 Old 04-29-2013, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My partner and I live in San Salvador, El Salvador and are going to Austin, TX, where my family lives and I grew up.  I just talked to the midwife I think I'm going to choose the other day and she suggested 32 weeks because there is some uncertainty around my due date.

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