Unassisted or homebirth in a hotel? I'm confused - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 10-03-2013, 03:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm currently 19w pregnant with my second (and last) child. Ds was born in the spring of 2012. It was a planned hb but after 26 hours of labour at home i transferred to the hospital because i was tired of the pain. What a mistake. Once there i was given demerol, which i agreed to. I was starved and forced to go 2 days without food. I was held against my will for 1.5 days. I was  pressured into pitocin and epidural. Then, a couple of hours after the pitocin my mw started working on me to get me to have a c-section, for the sole purpose that she was hypothesizing that i wouldn't dilate fully, and i guess she didn't want to wait. She kept telling me, more and more often, over a period of about 8 hours, that i would never dilate fully, that sometimes "nature needs a little help", and became increasingly hostile and perturbed that i refused hte c-section. Eventually i dilated fully but once that happened my mw was like "you've gone so long without food that you dont' have the energy to push the baby out anyway". I swear if i was mobile and had claws i'd have scratched her eyes out right then and there. Eventually there was a shift change and a new nurse came on and was totally abusive towards me, refused me pain relief, basically called me a bad mother to my face for refusing the c-section, and insisted for 1 hour that i push in the lithomy position, and kept applying extremely painful fetal monitoring belts to my abdomen. My son was totally limp and covered in mecomium when he was born. He was totally stressed out and i blame the hospital for that because it was by far the most stressful and traumatic experience of my adult life. 

 

Now i'm pregnant again, which is awesome. Problem is that i live in a smallish town and all the mw work out of one house, and there's NO WAY IN HELL i would ever go back there. I hate my previous mw more than i hate anyone. She betrayed me completely and since that happened to me several women have come forward complaining about her, all of whom had c-sections in circumstances very similar to mine. So, i thought i need a mw, so i decided to go to the next town over. I also thought this would be a good idea in case i have to go to the hospital since there's no way in hell i want to go back to the torture chamber that is the local hospital where ds was born. Problem is i'm obviously not going to go to a hospital unless there's a true medical emergency, but i don't know anyone in the next town. So my only choice is to rent a hotel and give birth there. I could rent a cabin but it's too expensive and i'd rather save the money for my mat leave, since i don't have any benefits at all because i'm self employed. The thing is the closer it comes to actually giving birth the more hesitant i am to drive an hour and a half to a hotel to do it. The closer it comes the more i think, "maybe i should just try unassisted at home". I NEVER thought i'd ever consider anything like that given that i am a bit of a suck and i don't have medical expertise. I just don't know what to do. What if i get to the town and for whatever reason we can't find a hotel room? I guess i'd have to give birth in the forest? There's no way in hell i'd ever go to a hospital unless it was life or death. I'm just confused.

 

Any suggestions - short of suggesting that i suck it up and go to the hospital? Please don't suggest that, i've already disregarded it as an option.

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#2 of 22 Old 10-04-2013, 08:00 AM
 
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I'm sorry you had such a rough experience!  I totally understand where you are coming from and have actually considered the same thing.  

 

Have you had any appointments with this other hospital to see if you like it?  If it is the only other option, I would at least get a prenatal visit or two in just to "test the waters" and see if there was a doctor there I liked.  Just a thought too, the hospital might be less hostile to a transfer if you have some sort of record there, rather than just some random person walking in.  I could be wrong about this, but it might help.

 

I would look online to check out the pricing and availability of resorts/hotels now.  You can check that stuff online and book before you leave home.

 

Another thought.....are there any midwives that live farther away that would be willing to drive, or perhaps meet you near that other town with the hospital?

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#3 of 22 Old 10-04-2013, 11:56 AM
 
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Don't "suck it up".

 

Do you like any providers the next town over? Is there a comfort there? What do they say?

 

I'm in a similiar situation (23 weeks along). I've had 2 cs. My options were VBAC with provider - if I wanted supportive I would need to travel and to find supportive OB - about an hour away. Local OB's not supportive and my last midwives, though very supportive are bound by rules as well due to being CNM. Homebirth after CS are not allowed to be attended to here unless you are lucky enough to find someone willing to risk it.

 

Ultimately due to costs and lack of local providers I will be traveling for my "homebirth". It's not ideal and yes there is worry that my labor will either stall enroute or that things happen too fast (though I never fully dilated and my body will likely not move that fast). Still I'd rather be with a midwife practice who was completely supportive of my desire for as natural and blissful of a birth as possible even if it means long drives to more infrequent appointments and the worry about a commute during labor.

 

HTH

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#4 of 22 Old 10-04-2013, 01:58 PM
 
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I'm so sorry to hear about your traumatic birth experience. Iope you're able to find a better provider for this second pregnancy.

If you do decide to birth in another town, what about leaving at 39 weeks, to get yourself settled? This is a reality for me, as we live 500 km away from the nearest hospital and midwife. It is definitely more expensive, though, but I think it's worth it, especially in your case. You might be able to find a rental that will give you a discounted weekly rate.

Are you able to find a midwife willing to travel to you once labour begins? Or maybe one who will let you birth at her home?

Good luck to you in finding a solution!
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#5 of 22 Old 10-04-2013, 03:26 PM
 
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Have you already chosen a midwife in the next town over? Have you spoken to her, or any other midwives there about your problem? Maybe she'd let you come to her house for the birth, or knows someone who can give you some space, or maybe there's someone who could come to you?
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#6 of 22 Old 10-04-2013, 03:38 PM
 
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Oh wow! I found hospital birth to be very traumatic as well. With this pregnancy I attempted a birth house with midwives.honestly I've found them to be just as controlling. My husband and I have decided on unassisted. I do plan to transfer if there's complications, but I believe there won't be. Do your research on unassisted. Sounds to me like you'd be more comfortable with that route, but accept that if there were complications you'd need to transfer. Good luck to you!
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#7 of 22 Old 10-04-2013, 05:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much. I was on a different forum and was trying to get advice about this and all i got was a bunch of women telling me to suck it up and calling me selfish. It was really unhelpful.

 

I do currently have mw's in the next town over. They work on a system where there are 4 of them on a team and whoever is on call comes to your birth. So far I've met two of them and one of them makes me nervous because she seems older and my previous mw was older and she seemed stern and she had this "I've seen it all" attitude that was really problematic. This older mw reminds me of my previous one and i'm afraid of a repeat. I also don't feel that i'm assertive enough to say "not that one" because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

 

The 1.5 hour drive in the winter while in labour makes me nervous.

 

The hotel would cost $500, and the cabin would cost $1000. If i had the cabin it would be for 2 weeks so I'd be good to just take it easy. But it's a hard decision because last time i had to go back to work too early because i don't have any benefits at all so I'm really trying to save as much money as possible and $500 is a lot of money. Maybe i should do the cabin though, then i don't have to worry about getting kicked out.

 

As for UC, a part of me deep inside feels that UC would be very empowering and awesome, but i just don't think i could deal with being fully responsible if something went wrong.

 

Thank you all for the ideas and responses, and especially for not judging!!

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#8 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 05:39 AM
 
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I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience.

 

Given that you don't feel comfortable with unassisted (and I get that completely) I think that if you don't feel comfortable with the one older midwife,it might be good to sit down with her and talk about your fears, about how you'd want her to handle certain situations, etc. And see what kind of feeling you have about her after that.  If it's still negative, it might be a good idea to say "not that one." (although logistically it may not be possible.  but worth finding out)  She's a professional, and you are the one giving birth, it's not about her feelings.  Perhaps this midwife group knows of another group who will travel to you.

 

I also agree with  others who suggest meeting with doctors and other care providers  at the other hospital to see if there is anyone you trust and click with. I would also, honestly, see if there are any doctors at the hospital near you that you feel you can trust, and if there are, consider hiring  a kick ass doula.  Just to give you more options.

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#9 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 03:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure if you were saying that i might want to re-assess whether i'd be comfortable giving birth in a hospital if i had the right care provider? I can assure you that i would not feel comfortable in a hospital with ANY care provider. I'd rather scratch my eyes out than ever go to a hospital for anything less than a true emergency. I'd rather give birth on an abandoned bus, in the middle of a forest in a rain storm, in a cold damp cave inhabited by bats, on a raft in the middle of the ocean, on the back of a water buffalo, anywhere other than a hospital. Actually,after what happened last time i'm pretty sure that in a low risk situation i'd actually be safer in any of those situations than i would be in a hospital.

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#10 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 05:42 PM
 
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It wasn't clear from your post if it was the hospital itself or just the particular caregivers.  I'm definitely not saying "suck it up" or anything like that - I was just wondering if the right caregiver could make you feel comfortable in the hospital and it sounds like that is not the case.  

 

So it sounds like you need to be able to feel safe with your midwives.  Do you think you could have a conversation with the older midwife who makes you feel uncomfortable?   Have you had a chance to process your last birth with these midwives who are supposed to be your caregivers?  Have you had the opportunity to process your birth trauma with a therapist?  If you feel comfortable with these midwives, is there any chance you might have a friend in the area you could stay with?  Might the midwives know anyone who could put you up for a little while so that you don't have to travel in labor or spend so much money on a cabin?

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#11 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 07:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm going to ask the mw if they know of anywhere more affordable that i could stay in the area. I've been thinking about it a lot and i've come to accept that i'm uncomfortable with the idea of traveling to a hotel, while in labour, to give birth. So it looks as though i'll have to find a place to rent for a couple of weeks. I think it has to be at least two weeks since ds was born at 40+9 so i'm thinking i should rent it from my due date for 2 weeks. It's so complicated, or maybe it's not and it just seems that way.

I

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#12 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 08:58 PM
 
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That sounds like a good plan.  It sucks that it will cost so much money but in your case it sounds like it will be worth it so you can feel comfortable and have peace of mind.  I hope you'll be able to find someplace affordable.  Is there any chance you could use something like airbnb or maybe get coupons from priceline or groupon?

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#13 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 09:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by cyclamen View Post
 

That sounds like a good plan.  It sucks that it will cost so much money but in your case it sounds like it will be worth it so you can feel comfortable and have peace of mind.  I hope you'll be able to find someplace affordable.  Is there any chance you could use something like airbnb or maybe get coupons from priceline or groupon?

What's airbnb?

 

I live in a smallish place and there are lots of people who rent vacation homes so i'll probably just go that route. So far the cheapest i've found is 1K for the two weeks, which i guess really isn't that bad a price for peace of mind.

 

It's a weird situation because the first time was so incredibly horrible that i'm now having to do all this weird planning to feel safe.

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#14 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 09:55 PM
 
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https://www.airbnb.com/

It's people who are renting out their apartment, etc, all over the world and sometimes for a good deal.  my BIL and SIL have used it to go on vacation and had good experiences.  $1K for two weeks - yeah if it's going to help you feel safe and in control, I think it's not a bad price.

 

Is the planning helping you feel calm?  I think it's so wise to listen to yourself and do what will help you feel safe and nurtured.  I hope you are able to continue to nurture yourself as you get close to giving birth.  I've always needed a lot of planning to feel safe about giving birth, because of some trauma in my history, but this time I've been even more focused on what I will do when it gets close to time because I lost my second child to a birth accident.  So I definitely understand having a powerful need to control what can be controlled, and plan for what can be planned for, since there is so much that cannot be controlled or planned for.

 

Do you have any other plans to help you feel safe during birth? Are you familiar with penny simkin's worksheets for women with trauma who are giving birth?  I'll see if I can find a link.

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#15 of 22 Old 10-05-2013, 09:59 PM
 
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https://www.pennysimkin.com/articles-resources/

 

and

 

https://www.pennysimkin.com/download/Articles-Handouts/Strategies%20for%20Specific%20Triggers.pdf

 

It has a lot of suggestions of possible triggers but you could just use it as a jumping off point and put in whatever is true for you.  I found it helpful when thinking about howto explain to my midwives what I need to feel safe when I'm in labor.

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#16 of 22 Old 10-06-2013, 03:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow thank you so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's really challenging going through birth with past trauma.

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#17 of 22 Old 10-06-2013, 05:07 PM
 
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Thanks for your kind words.  I miss her every day.

 

Yes, I think it's always a challenge to navigate birth after trauma.  Planning for my second child's birth and talking with my midwives about what I needed for safety helped me address a lot of issues I had about feeling control over my own body and feeling safe when I was vulnerable.  Then we didn't make it to the hospital in time - and the accident happened, so close to help, and not close enough - and now I have a whole new set of issues to work through.  Stuff I'd never considered in my previous births, like how I can be sure I will be where I want to be, in the hospital, in my case.  At one point I was quite terrified of the hospital and now it's a place of safety to me.  I'm lucky to have some really supportive and cautious and respectful midwives but I am thinking about these things in a different way than I ever did.  It can be frustrating to have to make all kinds of decisions and worry about things you either never worried about before, or things no one else seems to have to worry about.  But I believe humans are resilient, and we can find a way to do our best, for ourselves and our babies, and be at peace with that.  I hope that you do find a way to feel safe as you welcome your next child.  It sounds like you are onto a good plan for yourself.

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#18 of 22 Old 10-06-2013, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That is what i am afraid of, an accident. That's why i feel i have to be at least somewhat connected to a hospital and be open to going there. It's just so hard after what happened last time, but obviously if an accident happened that would be way harder. I now see the hospital in a different light - how it can provide a sense of safety, even to the  informed, and for good reason. Thanks for being so supportive.

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#19 of 22 Old 10-06-2013, 06:09 PM
 
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I think that can be one of the big tensions of being a parent.  It puts us so close to the things that scare us.  I understood immediately why you said you couldn't be unassisted because I have very much that feeling.  It's a mother's choice to make, of course, but for me, no matter how small the risk, the stake is far too high.  So we must get creative to do what is best for our babies and best for us.  I really have enjoyed having this conversation with you Viola, and I want to give you a great big ((((hug)))).  You are very brave.  Let's keep in touch as we look forward to our babies.

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#20 of 22 Old 10-06-2013, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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:Hug

Hug to you.

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#21 of 22 Old 10-10-2013, 10:21 AM
 
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I am so sorry OP for the horrible experience you had.  I would suggest getting a doula to support you in your upcoming birth no matter where you end up.  I don't know where you are from- but my midwife comes 3 hours to get to me- maybe you could expand the radius you are looking at?  I know some moms who have driven a couple of hours to get to a hotel for their "home birth"  and they have had no problem.  I would probably try to kill my poor dh if we had to do that.  I would also suggest having a very specific birth plan in any case ready to go and discussed with everyone who might possibly be there.  Your second labor may or may not be anything like your first of course- so I would be hesitant to book a cabin or something so expensive unless you are willing and wanting to have a little vacation there regardless.  I would have plenty of good nourishment ready as well so you don't end up weak and tired this time around.  Pain is much much worse when you are weak.  Grape juice, broth, easy to digest foods would be your friends :)

 

btw- this is my 6th.  I don't feel comfortable with a planned UC at all for me.  I need some direction :)  Now if something happens and it becomes a UC- I think we will be good- but planning on it is totally freaky to me.  I get it.

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#22 of 22 Old 10-13-2013, 01:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the food suggestions!
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