Anyone else feel cheated of their homebirth? - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-22-2013, 06:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was pregnant with my third child. My first was a hard hospital birth and my second was the most ideal Ina May Gaskin perfect homebirth. I thought for sure I would have another perfectly relaxed homebirth. He was born a month early in the hospital, and it was one with lots of interventions at that. I am having a hard time coming to terms with this. I was miserable in the hospital and I had a bad experience. I wanted it to be at home. :(

 

I keep thinking of all of the things I could have done differently or should have done instead of what I did do. 

 

Anyone else have this remorseful feeling after not having the birth you wanted to have and expected to have?


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Old 10-22-2013, 07:02 PM
 
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Definitely. I went from feeling great and expecting an easy birth to knowing it was going to be a hospital birth over the course of several ultrasounds showing placenta previa ( which mostly moved), varicose veins near my cervix ( which did bleed a lot), and finally, a low blood platelet count.

All in all I am just glad everything was kept under control by a capable OBGYN in a hospital where everyone respected my wishes.

But when I first found out I had to scrap my showers of rainbows and unicorn kisses plan for birth for reality? I was crushed. I cried many nights until I finally came to terms with it in my last months of pregnancy.

Ugh.

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Old 10-23-2013, 08:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by cynthiamoon View Post

Definitely. I went from feeling great and expecting an easy birth to knowing it was going to be a hospital birth over the course of several ultrasounds showing placenta previa ( which mostly moved), varicose veins near my cervix ( which did bleed a lot), and finally, a low blood platelet count.

All in all I am just glad everything was kept under control by a capable OBGYN in a hospital where everyone respected my wishes.

But when I first found out I had to scrap my showers of rainbows and unicorn kisses plan for birth for reality? I was crushed. I cried many nights until I finally came to terms with it in my last months of pregnancy.

Ugh.


Cynthia - Can you tell me anything about the varicose veins? I have them around my uterus, ovaries, vulva and in my butt. None in my legs. Doc hasn't said anything about them being near my cervix. What are the risks/complications involved? I am 23 weeks pregnant with number seven and planning my 4th homebirth.

 

:Hug to both of you! I had disappointing births in the hospital as well but over time I'm much less upset about it than I use to be.


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Old 10-23-2013, 09:48 AM
 
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Oh yes. Quite bitter over here. DD2 came early at 35 weeks and it was a shock to everyone. My entire pregnancy was filled with stress, infections and sickness. I had BV and a yeast infection that never cleared. Was sick with nausea and colds throughout and dealt with the stress of being on government assistance. At one point we were going to move to another state! I spent most of my second trimester working my ass off so we would have money. Though I at least ate pretty healthy, I can at least say that.

At 28wks I transferred to midwifery care for a homebirth/waterbirth. I was so excited. No hospital staff bullying me, no unexpected visitors, no sleep disturbances and best of all-- not having to leave my 3yo DD with anyone. I really wanted it to be a natural experience and the hospital is anything but. We were so not able to afford it but booked the midwife anyway. I was a bit concerned at my 34 week appointment that she was going on vacation but figured I'd never deliver early!

My waters broke at 1am, 35wks 1day and during a very trying evening with my 3yo. I hoped I was peeing myself. DH strangely enough woke up with a blood nose so I rushed in crying to him that I was worried my waters broke. It happened with DD1 so I knew what it felt like. Was at 40 weeks with her though.

My doula was the only person (and I hired her way before switching to midwifery care) who wasn't on vacation or dealing with another birth. It was so sad for me to not even be able to talk to the midwife I hired about the situation. My insurance hadn't even kicked in so we had no backup hospital picked. We ended up at a Kaiser hospital where I got prenatal care months before. I absolutely hated it but had no choice. The doula said suck it up (in the nicest possible way) and that I should go get admitted.

I sobbed for hours. 35 weeks and PROM meant a horrid induction. It meant once again my stupid body wouldn't be going into spontaneous labor. It also meant the baby wasn't ready. She would be small. Her lungs might not be developed. She would be rushed to the NICU. My first daughter traumatized by not having her mother or father with her at home. She did ok with my sister but I cried over the whole ordeal and tear up just thinking about how hard it all was. It went so off plan at that point I just felt defeated.

Well the labor went fast once the pitocin was started. My cervix had to be softened of course so there was that as well. I got zero rest (what a shock!) so I was tired. I snuck food this time but was barely allowed to drink water. The room I had was dirty and the nurse put my IV in wrong and I had backed up blood in the tube. It was literally my worst nightmare.

My doula helped me immensely. It went from a terrible situation to a beautiful, positive experience. She just wouldn't allow me to whine about the homebirth I didn't get. She was my rock. My DH too. He was the best coach because my doula knew what to do. She put on beautiful music, she squeezed my hips. She told me to trust myself and that contraction was over and I never had to do it again. My labor finally geared up and went FAST. I delivered many hours earlier than expected and transition was fast and humbling. I did it without pain meds. The pitocin probably made things more painful so I am very proud of myself.

My daughter came out in one push. I screamed with the pain and immediately focused on hearing her cry. Oh and did she! She was perfect. Zero lung issues. Had a good apgar score. Did not need to be admitted to the NICU! She was a tiny 4 pounder but perfect! She latched on like a pro 20 minutes after birth!

We got so lucky! The nurse directly following my birth was nasty and tried to scare me into thinking she was hypoglycemic because of a few low blood sugar pokes. It was unreal how many times she was messed with, and we declined many tests. My poor DD1 was really affected by that-- she did not like seeing them squeeze blood out of the babies' foot. I'll never forget the dreaded PKU screening. My DD1 and DH were there for it unfortunately. The idiot nurse even botched a jaundice blood test and I refused to let her take another vial.

All of this would have been avoided had I been able to have my homebirth. I wasted over $1000 on midwifery care and homebirth supplies. My midwife didn't even know till I was a week postpartum. It's just not fair!

My babe is now 8wks and I'm still coming to terms with her birth. It'll always be an epic story to tell tho! This is my last baby so I won't ever get the homebirth I wanted. If I am to get pregnant again I might even have trouble booking a midwife because of my history with PROM.

I totally understand and could have started this thread myself!

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Old 10-23-2013, 11:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by pattimomma View Post

Cynthia - Can you tell me anything about the varicose veins? I have them around my uterus, ovaries, vulva and in my butt. None in my legs. Doc hasn't said anything about them being near my cervix. What are the risks/complications involved? I am 23 weeks pregnant with number seven and planning my 4th homebirth.

hug2.gif to both of you! I had disappointing births in the hospital as well but over time I'm much less upset about it than I use to be.
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Old 10-23-2013, 11:34 AM
 
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I'm not sure that i feel cheated out of my homebirth but i definitely feel that i got screwed over. My midwife didn't tell me that it was normal to be in early labour for 24 hours while i was freaking out about it. I decided to go to the hospital because i thought there was something wrong because of how long it was taking, but there was nothing wrong at all. It turns out that my midwife is the quintessential medwife - she pretends to be into women's rights but in the end she wants all her ladies to go to the hospital because that's where she feels most comfortable. I've spoken with five other women who had her as a midwife and three of them had c-sections. When we got to the hospital she immediately started trying to warm me up to the idea of getting a c-section and became increasingly aggressive throughout the day as i kept refusing. It was a truly awful experience.

 

I'm 22 weeks pregnant today and am planning a homebirth, which i am "allowed" to have because i refused the c-section. I'm feeling pretty positive about it though i know that things can happen that are totally out of my control that could throw a wrench in everything. I really hope that i'm able to cope if something changes. It's so hard.

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Old 10-23-2013, 05:42 PM
 
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I was planning a home birth but had my DD at 27 weeks so obviously not at home. I miss the home birth sort of... But mostly just am sad about missing the **birth**. I had basically no pain, didn't realize I was in labor until I showed up ag the hospital and was fully dilated, and she came quickly and then was off for resuscitation and transferred to the hospital with a NICU 1 hr away. It was like a "drive by" delivery, and then having a really frustrating clinical rotation at the hospital that lasted for 3 months (where in fact i had done clinical rotations and worked... And had cared for many babies which i never took home, certainly screwing with the bonding process...) I miss/mourn the wet warm newborn in my chest, breast feeding ( i pumped x 1 year), the matchup of newborn and oxytocin and lovey feelings and milk... In some ways I am confident it will be better next time. I will probably have a hospital birth next then maybe home birth, who knows, I would love a homebirth but honestly i dont know if i would even care if i had a c/s in the future, so long as i had a healthy full/near term baby i could breastfeed. but I just had a miscarriage and am having doubts about my uterus' ability to carry a pregnancy... So many things to mourn, but mostly it's all "what ifs" and unsubstantiated worry...

I did feel like everything that happened needed to happen, and the few hours I spent at the hospital (where she was born) was a non-issue. The NICU was awful but unrelated to my home birth plans.
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:55 PM
 
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Oh yeah. Definitely cheated of my homebirth - by the universe, destiny, whatever.

 

I was as prepared as could be. As healthy as could be. Baby had been in a great position throughout pregnancy.

 

Went into labor by myself, everything was going okay - until it wasn't. No big drama, no emergencies, but labor stalled at 9cm because baby was OP with a twisted head and not turning no matter what we tried. Long story short: hospital transfer, epidural & pitocin (still hoping for a vaginal birth here), 4h pushing, forceps, ... c-section.

 

At least I feel like at no point did I give up, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could blame someone or something about it and punch them. Hard.

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Old 11-08-2013, 10:38 AM
 
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It was literally my worst nightmare.
 

Wait a second... giving birth to a healthy child in circumstances that didn't completely match your desires or expectations was "literally your worst nightmare?"

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Old 11-08-2013, 11:55 AM
 
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Wait a second... giving birth to a healthy child in circumstances that didn't completely match your desires or expectations was "literally your worst nightmare?"

 

I don't think this is a fair comment to make, or a helpful one.  PROM at 35 weeks is scary, and even though it didn't line up with what she wanted or hoped for, tillymonster did the right thing and went to the place where she and her baby could get the care they needed.   Although her baby came out healthy in the end, there was no way to know at the time that was going to be the case.  It's fine for her to have her feelings about the whole situation, even if not everyone would have the same feelings.

 

OP, one of the things about your post that stuck out to me was this

 

Quote: [vermontgirl]
 I keep thinking of all of the things I could have done differently or should have done instead of what I did do. 

 

Whatever you did, it was the best choice you could have made at the time.  It may not have been the ideal choice you would have made had you had godlike knowledge of the future.  But I'm sure you made decisions based on love and concern for your baby's well-being.  It's natural to take what we learn in hindsight and say, "I should have done this or that," but it's not, in most cases, a reasonable expectation of ourselves. 


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Old 11-09-2013, 04:54 AM
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EBZh please check your PM inbox for a message from me.


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Old 11-09-2013, 03:45 PM
 
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How could someone judge poor OP for sharing that the birth of her child was literally her worst nightmare? Pretty harsh.

The birth of my child was horrible. I have never felt so violated abused and wronged in my adult life. It was horrendous. The fact that I had a healthy child doesn't change that, it doesn't make what they did okay. A healthy baby isn't all that matters, I matter too. And I want my babies to know that when they become parents they will still matter, especially if I have a daughter.
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Old 11-09-2013, 10:22 PM
 
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Wait a second... giving birth to a healthy child in circumstances that didn't completely match your desires or expectations was "literally your worst nightmare?"

That's pretty much what happened to me - birth related emergency, c-section and a month in the nicu. I can think of worse things that could happen, but that exact situation was the nightmare I had.

I wonder sometimes if the natural birth literature can leave us unprepared when things don't go perfectly, and make us feel like failures for circumstances beyond our control. OP, I don't know whether there was anything that might have prevented pre-term labor, but I feel pretty strongly that the hospital was the right choice in that case.

I don't feel remorse over the way I wanted birth to go. My sisters seem to have babies who rotate to the correct positions for easy labor, and placentas that implant far from the cervix, snd I don't. There's no magic vegetable that prevents prevents back labor. No matter what spinning babies may tell you, I just don't think we have that much control. So no remorse. But there was trauma, and I did need some time to process my feelings about what happened. That need really should not be trivialized.
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Old 11-10-2013, 11:09 AM
 
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I agree with PP. it seems that some of the literature that wants to empower women and make them not afraid of childbirth has the in intended consequence of also suggesting that whatever happens its in our control. So if things go wrong we blame ourselves. My situation was different because there really wasn't any medical emergency or issue, just a perfectly normal labour - until I went to the hospital where they turned it into a total feakshow. I strongly believe that the hospital is the best place to be when there's a medical issue but is not a good place to go if things are going well as they will likely create problems with their highly interventionist approach that put moms and babies at risk. I really hope if I have to go to the hospital this time because of a medical issue that I don't regret or second guess the decision. The real medical issues that can some up are out of our control and its not our fault when it goes wrong.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:14 AM
 
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Hmm. It appears EBZh is either trolling or just really judgey. That was my words that were quoted though it's not showing up that way. Meepycat thank you for speaking in my defense. I decided to reread my post and it's such an intense set of circumstances which felt really good to get off my chest here in this sub forum! Like the rest of the ladies commenting here and the OP it's hard to process a birth and labor that goes so entirely the opposite of what was wanted or even expected. But I believe now that all births happen the way they happen and any desire for control is just silly. I'm very aware the outcome was good of course and that's always the first thing on your mind the entire pregnancy. But having the birth you want is also very important, especially to someone who needed to be medically induced.

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Old 01-02-2014, 03:07 AM
 
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:Hug Hugs to OP @vermontgirl , @tillymonster ,and :grouphug everyone else who has experienced birth trauma.  Has anyone here tried a birth reclaiming ceremony?  I just learned of this idea last week, and it seems like it might be helpful.  Here is a link to a description:  Birth Reclaiming Ceremony - Healing

 

I have birthed three of my babies at home so far, the first two attended by a MW who was a natural fit for me, and the third not-so-much.  While my birth was still at home, I was left feeling violated and had my first experience of PPD.  gloomy.gif  It took me so many months to begin feeling normal again.  I am thankful for all of the things that went well, of course, especially that I was never separated from my baby and we bonded normally, but I was left with feelings that I couldn't talk myself out of.  I'm thinking of designing my own birth reclaiming ceremony. 

 

It's been two years, so probably not going to involve my wee one but I think it is important to honor our feelings and nurture ourselves.

 

Again, I'd like to send out HUGS and healing energy to any woman who has experienced trauma or even disappointment in her birth experience(s).  :goodvibes 


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