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#1 of 31 Old 12-18-2013, 10:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've always dreamed of having a home birth, but my husband is terrified of the idea. This is our 3rd pregnancy and I do not want another hospital birth. My first child was a c-section, due to breech baby and I was young and naive. Second child was a vbac, much better birth experience but still not tfe greatest. Third child was an unnecessary emergency c-section. My doctor conveniently waited until 36 weeks to inform me she wouldn't do a vbac. I was going to switch doctors but went into labor at 37 weeks. We figured since I was in the last stages of labor when we reached the hospital the doctor would just let my body do it's thing, but no. I had some bleeding so she made it out like it was a sign of a rupture and I wasn't in a mood to argue. My husband was supposed to be the one who enforced my wishes, but he said nothing. Anywho, since this is probably our last baby I want to have this baby the way I want and not have people forcing me to go with what's more convenient for them. My husband on the other hand is terrified of the worst care scenario happening. How can I help make him comfortable with a home birth? I'm about ready to tell him either he allows me to have a home birth or I'm going to be sneaky and just do it all on my own. Also has anyone used a midwife around the southeast Michigan area that they'd recommend. I'm near Hillsdale, MI.
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#2 of 31 Old 12-19-2013, 12:18 AM
 
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I dealt with this too in the beginning...my husband was terrified, even angry, but for me the alternative just wasn't an option...birthing in the hospital was one of the worst, most frustrating experiences and I literally felt like I was in prison wanting the hell outta there but they weren't releasing me or taking my daughter's security bracelet off. Just the thought of going back gets me all panicky and freaked...if complications arise in my birth then by all means, I'll do what I have to, but I had to make the call on this one. So after months of doing my best to teach him and reminding him why I can't go hospital route again he now seems to be on board. He has our pool ready, hose, pool inflator....I do think he's still a bit nervous but that's ok and to be expected. At least he's accepted and respecting my decision. 41 weeks right now so it's happening any day!

I guess my advice is just teach, teach, teach! Homebirth is just as safe if not safer than hospitals and all their drugs and interventions. Give him lots of time to absorb the idea and usually make it completely clear why you need this for you, why it's so important to you. I basically didn't think hubby was going to come around so I told him this is what I'm doing, end of story...I'd prefer that to be the last resort but I'm not sure he would have come around had I given him the choice. Good luck to you and enjoy your pregnancy!
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#3 of 31 Old 12-19-2013, 12:20 AM
 
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Maybe watch the business of being born together? I loved that documentary. I couldn't really get hubby to read or watch anything though...sure would have been nice! Anyway, it's on YouTube if you're interested
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#4 of 31 Old 12-19-2013, 01:14 AM
 
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Interview midwives together.  That way he can ask about all of the things he is nervous about and maybe in that his mind will be set at ease (I know that helped with my partner).  Do you have any friend who have used midwives or had home births; talk to them about their experiences (and have their partners talk to your DH).  Hire a doula.

 

Good luck!  I hope you have the birth you envision!

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#5 of 31 Old 12-19-2013, 02:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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@sgnorton- I like how you described being in a hospital is like being in prison. That's exactly how I feel. I hate how the nurses are constantly interfering. With my vbac I was supposed to write on a sheet everytime I nursed, how long, etc and also everytime I changed a diaper and if it was poop or pee. I thought it was the stupidest thing . I had breastfed my first baby and my second baby took to breastfeeding better than my first. So I didn't fill out the sheet like I was supposed to, it wasn't a priority for me . My nurse got angry and assumed I wasn't feeding my baby. She sent in the lactation counselor, who was like why am I in here after I talked with her. Then my nurse tried to make them keep me longer by making it out I was a horrible mother. So that ruined my vbac experience. I also can't handle pain meds well, I'm a lightweight. So after my c- sections I was really out of it both times. I've tried explaining to everyone how I feel, but my family and in-laws think hospitals and doctors are amazing. I'm the odd one around here. My husband has come around on certain things, like we don't rush to the doctor right away unless it's serious. We try natural things first. He was going to allowe a homebirth with our third baby after the doctor did that to us . But I went into labor the day after meeting with the midwife and we just decided to go to the hospital at the last minute thinking they'd let me go. After that everyone kept saying how it must have been a sign that I was meant to be in a hospital. I know it was not a sign. I already knew my daughter was going to be early, but I had hoped she'd give me time to get prepared for a homebirth. Sorry for such long posts. I have no one who I can talk to that understands. I have heard of a midwife that lives near me, but I don't know anyone personally who 's used her. The one midwife we met with I didn't feel comfortable with completely, neither did my husband. My husband knows the other midwife, he's done some work for her and her husband. He didn't know she was a midwife until I asked him if he knew her. So maybe she would be a good fit since he knows her.
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#6 of 31 Old 12-19-2013, 07:43 AM
 
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Sorry, its your husband's child, too. I think you owe to your marriage to really deal with his fears and be willing to compromise. Maybe you could labor at home longer? Make sure you are well attended by midwife and doula? Have a well thought out transfer plan?


I believe in homebirth as much as most MDC moms but I ran a new parents support group for many years and I say "don't marginalize the dad or his valuable role". If you do, that leads to trouble down the road.
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#7 of 31 Old 12-19-2013, 08:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The funny thing is he hates hospitals and he hates doctors. He doesn't even like being in the hospital to visit me. He can't even be there very long. I honestly think he'd be more comfortable with a homebirth. We have a very strong relationship, we are truly best friends. So I really doubt even if I forced him into going along with a homebirth it would put a strain on our marriage. I just wanted ways to help him be more comfortable with the idea. I don't want to force him into anything.
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#8 of 31 Old 12-20-2013, 09:24 AM
 
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I think labor works best when the mom is the most comfortable as possible. This means different things to each woman. Maybe you could talk to him about how good you would feel being home and how your body would be relaxed there?

I think interviewing midwives together is the best idea. It sounds like you've got a good lead on that already.
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#9 of 31 Old 12-20-2013, 10:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've got great news! We talked about home birthing again last night. He has agreed to let me do what I feel most comfortable with. I told him I would continue to see my OB as well so I think that helped him feel better about it. I'm getting the midwives contact info from my husband's cousin who was going to use her as well. So I should be able to schedule a meeting with her soon. Yeah! If that doesn't work out I will switch hospitals and go for a vbac with a doula. But I'm praying for a homebirth!! He said as long as I do lots of research on this and get prepared for everything he is agreeable to a homebirth. I'm soo excited!! Can you tell? Lol. It sounds like he was mainly concerned about the mess and me being in pain. I had to remind him I was completely unmedicated for our last baby, up until the OB deviced to rush me in for a c-section. To avoid a lawsuit she later informed me. And I was about ready to push in the OR. So I know I can do it.
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#10 of 31 Old 12-20-2013, 03:44 PM
 
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thats awesome! congrats! of course thats all that it boiled down to...he's afraid of the what if's but get him to do some research and he will see...a midwife can solve most any issue that could arise and because of the fact that it would be a natural birth in a relaxed environment at home the likelihood of a complication lowers as well..I think it's awesome though that he came around and is seeing what is important to you. trust me, when all is said and done and he's holding that little baby in HIS home he's going to be so glad as well that he chose that route!

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#11 of 31 Old 12-20-2013, 04:03 PM
 
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Perhaps is is scared because of your bleeding ? Maybe you two can visit your old OB and go over the records so OB can show your DH that you did not have a rapture or any serious issues and that would put his hear at peace.

 

Out yourself in his shoes, he is terrified that you will die and he will be left a single parent of 4 children.

 

I do not want to be grim, but I believe in open communication between spouses. Outline to his the worst scenario, life insurance you have people who can step in etc.

 

Look together at the statistical risks of rupture after C-section with the number of births you had.

 

Men are logical creatures. All that women's wisdom thing does not impress them.

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#12 of 31 Old 12-21-2013, 07:37 AM
 
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My husband felt the same with our first pregnancy and birth.  Our hospital experience was so traumatic, that he was finally willing to watch The Business of Being Born with me.  That movie touched his heart and finally made him willing to consider a home birth.  I also read a lot of birth stories and shared (told) them with my husband.  Those helped build his comfort level as well.  And we interviewed midwives together.  Our very experienced midwife made him feel very confident in planning our home birth.  And, given what he learned about how hospitals operate and the dangers of giving birth in the hospital, he finally became my greatest supporter!

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#13 of 31 Old 01-13-2014, 02:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your unnecessary opinion. I'm not sure why you are posting here since this is for people who support homebirths. You should really do more research on homebirths. Despite your opinion and the opinion of some homebirths are very safe. They are in fact just as safe sometimes safer than a hospital birth. I have had 2 traumatic hospital deliveries. I have an extensive knowledge on childbirth and I know the risks and benefits of a homebirth. Come to find out my husband is the most terrified of the mess of a homebirth. You need to do some research on all the interventions that are unnecessary and potentially dangerous to you and your baby. If you think hospitals only have your best interests in mind you are sadly misled.
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Originally Posted by Athora80 View Post

He should be terrified, so should you....read some stuff on Dr. Amy and that will get your mind changed. Hospital Births are safer by far than homebirths, why would you want to risk it being at home if something went wrong?
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#14 of 31 Old 01-13-2014, 02:54 PM
 
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Maybe he would feel better if you discuss the backup plan as to what you will do if complications arise. I think men tend to feel pretty helpless during the birth process and he just wants to make sure you and baby are safe.
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#15 of 31 Old 01-14-2014, 03:42 PM
 
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I guess my advice is just teach, teach, teach! Homebirth is just as safe if not safer than hospitals and all their drugs and interventions.

All the studies that show that homebirth is about as safe as hospital birth are based on low-risk pregnancies.  All the studies that show a substantially increased risk in homebirth include high-risk pregnancies.  A VBAC after an emergency c-section is NOT a low-risk pregnancy.

 

Does this mean that you shouldn't have a homebirth?  Of course not.  Every woman has to make this decision based on her own priorities.  However, that decision shouldn't be made based on objectively false claims about relative safety.

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#16 of 31 Old 01-14-2014, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Apalled20 I'd like to know where you get your wealth of knowledge from. You seem to know everything.
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#17 of 31 Old 01-14-2014, 06:09 PM
 
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Apalled20 I'd like to know where you get your wealth of knowledge from. You seem to know everything.

Extensive reading and research. This topic fascinates me and I've read a ton on it. I'm also very careful about making sure that I'm right before I say something (although we are all human and it's entirely possible that I have made an error at some point).

If you'd like citations/explanations of any of the claims I've made, I'd be more than happy to provide them.
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#18 of 31 Old 01-14-2014, 06:13 PM
 
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seriously...my guess is by all your statistical advice as to how much danger we are all putting ourselves and our babies in that you've never UCed or would ever even consider it. Don't know why you're hanging around the uc forums trying to scare everybody
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#19 of 31 Old 01-14-2014, 06:22 PM
 
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Oh, haha. This isn't the uc thread. It's the homebirth thread...well, u probably wouldn't do that either...go chat in a hospital birth thread, seriously
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#20 of 31 Old 01-14-2014, 06:25 PM
 
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seriously...my guess is by all your statistical advice as to how much danger we are all putting ourselves and our babies in that you've never UCed or would ever even consider it. Don't know why you're hanging around the uc forums trying to scare everybody


Sgnorton--

You are mistaken. I don't in any sense oppose homebirth. As I've said many times, I completely understand why many women make the choice to give birth at home. If you had an extremely traumatic experience at a hospital, I completely understand why you might accept a relatively small increase in absolute risk. And I support your right to make that decision 100%.

That being said, I think it's incredibly important that these decisions be made on the basis of accurate information. That means looking at statistics. Statistics are (admittedly imperfect) representations of reality, not a tool to scare you with. Even though they're imperfect, I'll take statistics over simplistic slogans any day.

Your claim that homebirth is safer than hospital birth in these circumstances is based on a slogan. That slogan itself has some basis in fact-- for low-risk pregnancies it is true that homebirth is about as safe as hospital birth. It doesn't apply here, however, since a VBAC after an emergency c-section isn't low risk. No mother in this situation should make a decision based on a claim that isn't true, no matter how often it is repeated.
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#21 of 31 Old 01-15-2014, 03:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Could you tell me where you get you information on emergency c-sections? A link to the website/websites would be great. So far from what I've read on the ICAN website there doesn't seem to be a difference between a normal c-section versus an emergency, provided that it was a low transverse incision and done properly.
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#22 of 31 Old 01-15-2014, 04:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I forgot to add that my emergency c- section was not medically necessary. My OB told me she wouldn't do a vbac because I could sue her if something went wrong, even though my previous was a vbac. (I should have drove the extra miles to see the OB who did my vbac.) She waited until my 36 week appt to tell me this, after pretending to go along with a vbac. I went into labor at 37 weeks before I could get a new OB or a midwife. So we waited until I was far into labor to go to the hospital. The fact that my OB did a c-section without any medical reason and my daughter was almost coming out was by far riskier. So do I think that OB had my best interests or her's in mind? It's quite obvious.
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#23 of 31 Old 01-15-2014, 11:05 AM
 
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nevermind, carry on

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#24 of 31 Old 01-15-2014, 12:56 PM
 
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I think there's a lot more to birth than that it's scary shit.

I'm having trouble with some of your wording, twoturtledoves- listen up, respect, comply. . . Not bad words but it makes me think that you believe the husband should be the only one making the decision. And I don't see how you're advocating that in this case the wife would be changing her viewpoint, but rather just complying.
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#25 of 31 Old 01-15-2014, 01:16 PM
 
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ya, agree with salr. i understand its the husbands kid as well, but the woman is the one giving birth...its so very important she is comfortable with her birth choice

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#26 of 31 Old 01-15-2014, 02:30 PM
 
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:dizzy

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#27 of 31 Old 01-15-2014, 02:47 PM
 
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:cold

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#28 of 31 Old 01-16-2014, 08:20 AM
 
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? Maybe you were just trying to give the husband's point of view because of some strong wording in the OP. I've seen some more about this situation in the UC forum so I think I didn't read the OP carefully. If I did I would probably question the idea of a husband "allowing" something and also talk more about "sneaking." So please don't think I was picking on you, twoturtledoves.

My main point is that there is a lot to take into consideration, and it seemed like the OP had already done that.
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#29 of 31 Old 01-16-2014, 11:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Alright I guess I need to clarify some things. Hubby was worried about uterine rupture and the mess of a homebirth, since I've had two c-sections instead of one. After doing research the uterine rupture risk goes from 0.9% after one c-section up to 1.2% after 2 c-sections. This is based on performing a c-section after trial of labor. Add the fact that I've had a vbac in between c-sections that decreases my risk of rupture plus it will be two years in April since my last c-section. After going over this info with hubby he is more comfortable with a vbac. He was supportive of a homebirth with a midwife but he keeps changing his mind. Especially since it's not really in our finances to have a midwife since we pay for our insurance and it covers most of a hospital delivery. Plus we can make payments on a hospital delivery not on a homebirth, payment is due at 36 weeks. I was considering a UC and hubby isn't against them, but isn't sure he can deal with it. He does see the benefits of one though. As of right now I've scheduled an appt with a vbac friendly OB and I will find out how my uterine scar looks, etc. Then we will decide from there. I'm also considering a hospital birth with a doula and find out if I can get out of constant monitoring, have delayed cord clamping, etc. Not really what I want, but I'm trying to be open-minded.
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#30 of 31 Old 02-11-2014, 01:19 AM
 
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I didn't read all replies... But I did want to say that it really shouldn't be your husbands choice in my opinion.

Science, even has proven that women carry the experience of giving birth with them consciously or subconsciously for their entire lives and it will effect them positively or negatively their entire lives whether they want to believe it or deny it,

Is he going to deal with the post pardum depression if you go thru another hospital birth?
Is he going to live with those traumatic experiences from your previous births forever?

Would he gain a spiritual, accomplished, empowering gift of power from birthing naturally in his home?


Birth has nothing to do with men, yeah it's his kid but sorry, it's not his experience. That only belongs to women and men know this! Once I realized this, I knew nothing my hubby said could change my mind. its normal for him to be nervous but that's his problem to deal with. You have your own problems you're working thru.
I know I sound harsh but it's reality. If he wanted complete say in how, where, and when his child should be born he would of paid a surrogate to overlook. Always be compassionate and patient and help your husband understand the best you can.

Interview midwives together, watch BOBB, read Inu May books. Read testimonials or stories about mothers giving birth on The Farm in tenn together. Expose him and desensitize him to the way our culture views birth. Good luck !


Edit: Maria, you sounded like me... But the insurance... But the money... Trying to be open minded... Not REALLY what I want but.... Considering a doula.... Etc etc. why do we women have to do things we a REALLY don't want to do? Go with your heart. You will be happy you did. Everything will be ok if you put forth the education and time. You already made your mind up now follow thru with it. You can do it. There's a lot of stories about VBAC home births. You're not alone. I believe in you, I'll be praying for you. When you Trust in god (if you're into that) the worrying ends. You already tried the hospital route and you said it was prison... That is a strong word.
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