So we had our last appointment with our midwives this past Tuesday. It was a very anticlimactic event for me. I don't really know what I was expecting. More emotion, maybe? The babe woke me up early Tuesday morning for a diaper change and to nurse, and then I couldn't fall back asleep because I kept thinking about our meeting with the midwives later that day. I had bought a card to give to them, so I decided to get up and write to them.
Since I work in the birthing field as a doula and am working towards my certification as a birth educator and I ultimately want to train as a homebirth midwife, I know I will see these women again. I go to a new moms group at their office that another client coordinates, so I may also see them there. But the last appointment signifies the end of this phase of our relationship, the end of this pregnancy and birthing, the end of our client/care provider relationship. They also provide well-woman care, so I can see them for those visits as well.
I did not expect to be grieving the loss of this relationship. Their priority is the pregnant mama who is about to birth her baby, and I am no longer that woman. Will I call them when I see something that reminds me of them? Will they call me when they see something that reminds them of me? I guess I want to be that special client that becomes a lifelong friend, but I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.
I cried as I was writing.
And then at our appointment, only one of the midwives and their assistant were there. The other midwife (who I have always felt closer to) was spending time with a friend from out of town who was visiting. And I felt even sadder because my new status as "low priority client" was reinforced. And I didn't get to say goodbye to the other midwife.
When we got to the appointment, I thought I would hand them the card I had written and ask them to open it and read it. But then when we got there and the one midwife wasn't there, I didn't want to ask the other one to open it and read it. I know what I wrote was what was in my heart, but now I guess I want validation that they heard and understood what I was saying. I wish and hope they will write me a card or a note back, but I know they may never do so. Even a comment like "thank you for the card" would be validation enough.
I need a hug. A nice big squeeze without a sleeping baby in a sling in the way.
I also had the midwife make copies of their records for me through the pregnancy and birth and their records for the babe. She put them in an envelope, and Bill started reading them as we were walking to our car on our way out. Then he decided to drive while I sat in back with the babe in his carseat, but I didn't want to read them. At home, I brought them inside and they are still sitting in the envelope on the bench by our front door. I don't want to read them by myself. I don't even want to bring up the idea of reading them with Bill. I'm waiting for him to ask me if I want to read them, but I don't even know what I will say or do when he does ask me.
Thanks for listening, mamas...