Need a little encouragement - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 12-23-2001, 08:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We went to see dh's family today...don't know what I was thinking, but I don't think I want to go there again at least till this baby is born. Anyway, his 3 sisters take us into a sepearte room and tell us their concerns with our homebirth. Now this is kind of a good thing, that they actually talked about it with us, because they have been gossiping behind our backs for months. Anyway, they started out with "What if something goes wrong?" And we said "Like what?" They mentioned what if I bleed. We said, our midwife has pitocin to inject if that happens and I'm not sure what other drugs she has. A reasonable answer right? She has the same thing the doctors at the hospital have? SHould put their minds a little at ease? No, they have IVs at the hospital, which are somehow great lifesavers. The whole conversation was basically that they were worried because things do go wrong sometimes. And somehow the wonderful doctors with knives can save anyone. They tell us that their mom is so worried she is losing sleep, having a nervous breakdown.
Now I actually in part appreciate them talking to us about how they feel. But at the same time I am wondering what theyr point was. To make me feel bad? I do feel bad, but I also feel like slapping my MIL and telling her to g et a grip. I am not going to die!!!!! They want us to write out a paper saying that I am electing to have a homebirth of my own free will and have it notarized so that if I die no one will sue my dh and take the babes away. OMG!!!! They don't really make me mad because they are just concerned and they love us. They don't really make me doubt either because I am very sure about homebirth. They have just made me sad. Why don't they understand? Why can't they trust my body as I do? I was induced for dd and had an epidural and they were questioning my abitlity to handle the pain. Thanks for the confidence ladies! It just really bugs me because I have 3 weeks till my due date and I am really filling my mind with positive thoughts, trying to welcome labor to my body. And they threw me off. The reminded me of all the horrors that happen. They tried to make labor and birth to be menial painful things, not the beautiful thing I want my labor to be. Laughing about how much they tore! I just really need to be reassured. Not of homebirth...hearing their stories are enough to make me sure that I do not want to go to the hospital. Just reassured of birth, of my body and its ability to birth naturally and peacufully. I love you ladies and am so glad I have this board to retreat to! Thanks!
Beth
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#2 of 14 Old 12-23-2001, 11:23 PM
 
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Hugs to you Beth...
That is really lousy.
Here's what I would do.
I would write them a letter after a bit of time after you reconnect with your little one inside and remember all your reasons for choosing what you are doing. I would then tell them thanks very much for your concern but I am have made my choice and I do not wish for anyone to project their negativity onto this again. If you have any doubts, please keep them to yourself and do not discuss them with me. I would prefer you discuss them (not at all, but if you must then amongst yourselves).
You don't have to give them any rational, whay you have chosen this or anything. All you have to do at this point is reconnect with your truth, and set some boundaries for those whose cup has runneth over!
I am sorry that you had to go through this, but maybe you can use it as a challenge to further strengthen your resolve and to reaffirm why you have chosen this in the first place. They are in fear. You do not need fear and doubt around you. Only people around you now who support you and honor what you are doing for your baby (and yourself). Choose love!
I send you all strength to be a warrior, goddess, mother who intuits the truth and can cut away the extraneous and unnecessary with her sword.
Go forth and give birth to your little one at home, in love, with love, surrounded by love, in harmony and with beautiful music. Candles.
Trust your body. It truly knows what to do.
Trust yourself. You are honoring your own truth with your choice.
Noone can take that away from you. Visualize the birth you want to have.
Please keep us posted and keep those folks away from you now.
Sending you much love and strength.
And peace of mind!
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#3 of 14 Old 12-24-2001, 12:05 AM
 
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#4 of 14 Old 12-24-2001, 01:37 AM
 
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{{{ HUGS }}} Beth! It sounds like they just don't have a clue! I would ignore them and concentrate on your baby and your family. This is your birth, your decision and they don't have anything to do with it. I wouldn't even discuss it with them anymore. If they try to say something, just tell them that you really appreciate their concern, but that you have done all your research and found that home birth is as safe or even safer than hospital birth and that you feel that it is the right choice for you. Even tell them that you don't want to discuss it further, that you feel totally comfortable with your decision.

Good luck on your birth!
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#5 of 14 Old 12-25-2001, 01:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so so much. I love this board and don't know what I;d do without it!
I am feeling better. I am still muling things over in my mind, and the more I mull the more upset I get at them. But I am calmer now. I am getting back into birthing mode. We will go there for Christmas tomorrow for awhile, but won't stay long and won't talk to them at all about any of this. I was gonna do their stupid little consent form for them, but I decided I won't. THey will just have to worry for a few more weeks.
Anyway, you all said just what I need to hear. Thanks.
Beth
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#6 of 14 Old 12-25-2001, 07:22 PM
 
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If you do unfortunately run into them again before the birth, I would say, "I appreciate your concern, because I know it's based in your love for us. I don't want our choices to continue to cause you stress, so I've made a list of sources that I know will relieve your fears. Please check out these books (websites, etc.,) and take the time to understand our position before arguing against it, because trying to defend my position to people who have not done the research I have causes *me* stress , and that transfers to the baby, and I will not have that."
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#7 of 14 Old 12-25-2001, 11:35 PM
 
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As a 'homebirth-er' with not-so-understanding parents (though my inlaws are great), I totally can relate! Before Isaiah's birth, my family was very worried, some telling me I was crazy, but afterwards, when they saw how wonderful the birth was, and how different it was from what we are bombarded with on TV and movies, they were definitely singing a different tune.

Trust your body and your baby!! When you are in labor and you know its all you, it's a great feeling! I loved being in labor! I felt so powerful and feminine. Get some nice music, candles, massage oil, lots of pillows and some yummy food Enjoy it!

Don't let others worry you!!! Let us know how it goes!!

Lisa ~ Homeschooling mama to 9yo ds and 7yo dd both born at home and expecting #3 in November!
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#8 of 14 Old 12-27-2001, 07:12 AM
 
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My heart truly goes out to you! Luckily for me my MIL is a trained although nonpracticing midwife who used to attend homebirths (when it was still taboo in this country) so I has all her support and could ask her anything. My side of the family wher not so used to the idea. It wasn't that they didn't approve, they just didn't have the knowledge.

So...I decided to write them a long informative letter explaining the benefits of having a home birth (and in my case a water birth). I used the book "Gentle Birth choices" by Barbara Harper to back me up and threw in some statistics for good measure. I gave them the letter and let them read it in their own space and time which was great because they had no-one to debate with, they had to read it all...

The one thing you need to keep in mind is that this is YOUR baby and YOUR body and YOUR desicion. You do not have to justify your choices to ANYBODY and you certainly dont have to feel guilty about it. Maybe all your in-laws need is a little enlightening and maybe they will loosen up. Just don't cave in on yourself because all that will do is convince them that they knew best.

I had a beautiful homebirth and would do it all over again...

Good Luck and keep strong...
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#9 of 14 Old 12-27-2001, 08:18 AM
 
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Hi Beth,

I too am due in just over three weeks and am having a home birth. Something I read in Birthing From Within really struck a cord with me and I will try to remember it during labour. It was something about how 300 000 (and some) women will give birth each day and I had a wonderful feeling thinking about connecting to all that birthing energy happening at the same time. The majority of women in the world will be naturally, actively birthing their babies and not drugged out in some hospital induced stupor. Imagine all those women (maybe even me) labouring with you and trusting our bodies and bringing forth our babies in love.

Mary
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#10 of 14 Old 12-27-2001, 10:46 AM
 
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that is such a beautiful way of thinking! I know that I would have benefitted from that special knowledge during my labor and birth... How nice
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#11 of 14 Old 12-30-2001, 04:22 PM
 
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Wow!! I was so blessed to have my baby at home last year Emma will be a year on the 4th of jan!! Can't belive it. Anyway I was a homebirth so were all my siblings and my mother in law had her last one at home, allthough I had all that support people that knew me through work were totally wierd. But I explained throughout my pregnancy what it was all about and if they would acctually educate themselves they would learn that homebirth has many less risks because were not drugging ourselves up and treating birth like a disease or something! All I know is that you are truelly doing the best for your baby with a midwife that is knowledgeable about diet throughout pregnancy and what to expect. I totally loved my birth and I can't imagine having any baby anywhere like home. So I think you need to just reasure yourself that you are bringing yourbaby into the best place you possiable can! Good luck and let us know about your birth. Love, Peace, and a little Girl POWER!!!
Love Pookamama
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#12 of 14 Old 12-30-2001, 08:44 PM
 
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Wow, it makes me cry to hear all these wonderful mamas having their babies gently...while hospitals have their place with disease and sickness, you have nothing to worry about if you don't have these. Women have been giving birth for thousands of years...you are joining the primal cycle.
'
Setting up a nice warm pool in our house helped so much...nag champa candle & backrubs w/oil---still thinking I couldn't do it in the end, but perservering---Mommy22B, it will be beautiful if you create it!!!
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#13 of 14 Old 01-18-2002, 02:34 PM
 
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OMG....I want to slap your SIL's!! And your MIL for that matter! How dare they destroy your confidence in your body and shake your convictions about homebirth. I really hate when women do this to one another.....tear each other down, make them second guess themselves....they would have been better off not saying anything to you. And it bugs me that they would come to you with these concerns 3 WEEKS before your due date!! When people question me about our choice for homebirth and they are rude enough to agrue the point....especially to women that have had children, I just say....well, you had your opportunity to have your children your way, and I should be entitled to that same right. And the idea for you to sign a statement and have it notarized is just outragious...where do they get off!! Is your husband on board 100% with the homebirth? Maybe he could speak to them, since it is HIS family. Now let me give you some encouragement.......I also had the induced, epidural hospital birth with my first child. My second was born at home, with no complications that my very competent midwife couldn't handle (cord was around the neck). My labor was faster with second, I had virtually NO PAIN....the two labors were as different as night and day! We are ready to give birth again at home in about 2 to 3 weeks....and I am so psyched! It was just such a great all-around experience for everyone in my family.....and I'm confident that it will be for you as well. Do yourself a favor and stay clear of your SIL's and MIL until after the birth....I wouldn't even call them to let them know that you are in labor....and certainly DO NOT have them anywhere near the house while you are birthing....I'm a big believer in having only positive thoughts and energy around you when in labor. Let your husband deal with them....you need to focus on birthing your baby and just think what satisfaction you will feel when you get to tell them all about your awesome homebirth experience!! You can do this!! My thoughts and prayers will be with you......Tricia
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#14 of 14 Old 01-20-2002, 09:44 PM
 
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Beth,

Your name means the oath of God, or God's Promise. God's Promise that things work out. The great Spirit made your wonderful body to do just what it is doing. I hope that can encourage you.

Breathe. That you know what they say is bogus is a testement to your strength. You can do this no sweat. (Well maybe some sweat, but you know what I mean.)

My in laws were the same. They were truly impressed after such an easy birth. Now they sing my praises... YOu can forgive them after the birth. Now, use their negaivity, draw strength from it, and prove them wrong!

Karen

"I love it when a plan comes together" - Hannibal Smith of A-Team fame.
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