Want a homebirth, DH against it-give me some resources to help me turn him around - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 02-14-2003, 02:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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First off, let me say that DH is totally into APing. We co-sleep, extended BF and wear our babies. He supports all this and is pretty forward thinking when it comes to child raising.
We are TTC #3 now and I've been talking about homebirth ever since my #2 was born and I was less than thrilled with the whole experience. No real problems, just the unnecessary "medicalness" of it all. I've had no risks and very short (5-7 hrs) normal labor/births. The ONLY medical thing needed was a few stiches each time after I tore a little.
So here we are, TTC and Dh says there is no way we are having a homebirth. He's afraid of the risk and less importantly $. Insurance does not cover it at all so it would be about $2500. This is a real issue with our budget since we would only pay about $500 with hospital birth and insurance (makes no sense to me)
I know I have a long road to convince him, what are some things that helped others out there with resistant DHs? I've already tried some books but he's not inerested in reading them.
Luckily, I have 2 friends that have homebirthed here and I can use them as support and hopefully their DHs will talk to mine when the time is right.
Thanks,
Ann

Full-time homeschooling mama : of a 15yo "teenager" , 12yo DIVA, 9yo builder, & 4yo treasure.
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#2 of 17 Old 02-14-2003, 02:54 AM
 
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On the idea of a homebirth:
I would recommend interviewing some midwives (preferably together) so he can get a feel as to how they view birth as normal.

I would rent or borrow from your local library or from a midwife or birth center some home birth videos. Seeing babies being born at home is very powerful!

Discuss all his fears and concerns. Read up on what's done in different circumstances, then figure out what you would decide to do in each of those issues you're most concerned about. Henci Goer's books are helpful for that, specifically "Obstetric Myths vs Research Realities."

Money-wise:
You could petition your insurance to cover your homebirth, same as the amount of money they would spend on a normal, vaginal hospital birth.

You may be able to barter with a midwife.

You can probably make monthly payments, beginnning while you're pregnant.


Hope some of that helps you. Let us know how it goes!
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#3 of 17 Old 02-14-2003, 11:00 AM
 
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Ann-

I am in the same boat with dh- he totally thinks home birth is usafe. I nearly had my second baby at home, too! 4 hour labor, got to the hospital 1 hour before he was born, had a wonderful water birth. I was just lucky, I guess. The midwife was great, and I was in control.

Hopefully by #3 I will have convinced him...I currently go to a parent support group that is mostly home birthers- and cloth diaperers and AP, breastfeeding, co sleeping, non vaxing non circumcising parents So I think I'll have dh meet with them. This last birth ended up costing over 1000$, even WITH insurance!!! My first one cost 200$. A homebirth with these midwives would cost about 1500, which is only a couple hundred more than the hospital birth I just had. Yikes! I have about 2 more years to talk to him about it. (DS is 3 months today )

I hope you can manage to get that birth- these women have alot of supportive advice! Keep us posted.

Francine
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#4 of 17 Old 02-14-2003, 02:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Moonglowmama-thanks for the ideas-especially the video. I actually know of a new one that a friend just had made with her midwife so I'll check that out.
And Francine, at least you've worked with a midwife so your DH is used to the idea...I've my work cut out for me.
Thanks again, this gives me some ideas.
Ann

Full-time homeschooling mama : of a 15yo "teenager" , 12yo DIVA, 9yo builder, & 4yo treasure.
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#5 of 17 Old 02-14-2003, 03:28 PM
 
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http://falcao.best.vwh.net/ronnie/homesafe.html

And you might want to put TTC on hold while you are making this decision, you don't want to feel pressured or stressed while pregnant, at least I didn't. Sorry, I know this is your business, I just wanted to throw that thought out there...

Best wishes,
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#6 of 17 Old 02-14-2003, 04:26 PM
 
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Hello,

This site is geared toward unassisted home birth, but he does recommend a book that changed his mind called “Birth, a dialogue of love”. The website is http://www.unassistedhomebirth.com/fathers/

Good luck,
Ang

[B][I]~Ang~ Mom to 2 sport-head crazy girls: Rainey and Breeze  and my little lost love- @18 weeks with gestational age of 7 weeks
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#7 of 17 Old 02-16-2003, 02:19 AM
 
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The book is "Birth and the Dialogue of Love," and I enjoyed it (actually I liked her first book more) but she does go pretty heavily into the religious side of it (if I remember correctly she was Catholic.) If that would turn him off, at least read it yourself first and relay the pertinent passages (which is what I did.)

My husband loved Gregory White's Emergency Childbirth.

Also there is some great stuff on birthlove.com (of which you have to be a member to access) about talking to spouses about homebirth.

Also there is my website below which has links to pages that list studies about the safety of homebirth, and also lots of other good stuff.
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#8 of 17 Old 02-16-2003, 01:13 PM
 
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Dear MDC:

When was the last time your dh went to the doctor for a checkup?

If he thinks hospitals and doctors are so wonderful for a normal natural event as childbirth, he must be getting checkups all of the time....isn't he?
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#9 of 17 Old 02-16-2003, 05:59 PM
 
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Hey, Ann! Did ya read the "Ecstatic Birth" article on Mothering. com. home page this week? I talked to dh about it and he seemed so fascinated by homebirth and hormone info there. Good luck to you! It would be great if the insurance company could make an exception for you or cover the costs of a midwife at home some how.

Here's the link to the article and an excerpt: http://www.mothering.com/11-0-0/html...ic-birth.shtml

Undisturbed Birth
Undisturbed birth is exceedingly rare in our culture, even in birth centers and homebirths. Two factors that disturb birth in all mammals are firstly being in an unfamiliar place and secondly the presence of an observer. Feelings of safety and privacy thus seem to be fundamental. Yet the entire system of Western obstetrics is devoted to observation of pregnant and birthing women, by both people and machines; when birth isn't going smoothly, obstetricians respond with yet more intense observation. It is indeed amazing that any woman can give birth under such conditions. Some writers have observed that, for a woman, having a baby has a lot of parallels with making a baby: same hormones, same parts of the body, same sounds, and the same needs for feelings of safety and privacy. How would it be to attempt to make love in the conditions under which we expect women to give birth?


Heather in Iowa

Edited to add: Read this birth story~http://216.92.20.151/discussions/sho...threadid=42323
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#10 of 17 Old 02-18-2003, 12:18 AM
 
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I can't recommend strongly enough what was already said: interview some midwives together. Absolutely insist on doing this, and make sure it gets done. Either your husband will be pleasantly surprised and impressed, or you will feel better about a decision, now made in consensus, about birthing elsewhere. You get to birth babies only a few times in your life; if you are going to make a concession to your partner's preference on something so important, make sure it is done wholeheartedly, in confidence that it's the right decision.

And, in my experience as a doula giving this advice, midwives usually impress the reluctant party enough that they end up having wonderful homebirths. One acquaintance, a woman, thought midwives just carry 'the scissors to cut the cord." (!) Once someone realizes the midwife is licensed or certified, carries oxygen, pitocin/methergine, can suture, etc, they seem a lot more professional and competent. The discussion of the midwife's protocols, her list of hospital transfer reasons, can also be oddly reassuring.

I have found in my personal life that no matter the subject, offering reading material is frustrating for everyone, and not as believable as just interviewing and putting the hard questions right out there. Good luck and may you have the wonderful birth you wish!
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#11 of 17 Old 02-18-2003, 12:53 AM
 
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Ann
Carey Ryan in Des Moines has a great website
www.gentlebirth.com
Maybe you adn your husband could go and have a consultaion with her. (You are in IA, right?)
My husband changed his tune completely after talking to her.
PM me if you want some more info!!
K
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#12 of 17 Old 02-18-2003, 12:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much-I will!
It's great to know I have a resource so close to home. I may be in contact with you later!
Ann

Full-time homeschooling mama : of a 15yo "teenager" , 12yo DIVA, 9yo builder, & 4yo treasure.
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#13 of 17 Old 02-18-2003, 01:11 PM
 
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Ann, I haven't read all the other posts so forgive me if I repeat anything.

My Dh sounds just like yours. He is very into AP with most aspects of our life but HB was something totally foreign to him. He has been raised with many others to believe that Drs are all knowing and to be trusted without question. As I was so set to not have another unecessary hospital birth, we talked a lot about it before we became pg this time. I shared many stories from here as well as the book, Gentle Birth Choices . When we met with the MW for the first time, he started to *get it*. Now he is 100% for HB and wishing we had done it before #5. As for the $ aspect, our hospital births are covered completely. For our HB, we will pay $2500 out of pocket. Once we were set that we wanted to do it, we didn't let that stop us. My Dh has since left his job and we will be paying for our own insurance. There is a possibility we could be without ins for a while or have to change carriers all together. Since we have chosen HB, we have no problem of interruption of care during this pg. What a great feeling to know that at least that is certain.

Please PM me if you would like to chat more. Good luck and baby dust to you.
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#14 of 17 Old 02-18-2003, 10:48 PM
 
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I don't know what to tell you if he won't read a book. Here are some good articles:

http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/gracious.asp

http://www.mothering.com/11-0-0/html...llo-baby.shtml

http://www.mothering.com/11-0-0/html...1-6-home.shtml

http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articl...irthchoice.asp

http://www.healthychild.com/database..._like_home.htm


Here's my birth page:

http://devrock.5u.com/whats_new.html


On my birth page there is a link to my mother's birth page.

At the bottom of my page there is a midwifery/homebirth webring.

-Alice, SAHM to dd (2001) and ds (2004) each of whom was a homebirth.jpg, who each self-weaned at 4.5 years bfolderchild.gif, who both fambedsingle2.gif'd, who were bothcd.gif, and both: novaxnocirc.gif.   Also, gd.gif, and goorganic.jpg!

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#15 of 17 Old 02-18-2003, 11:01 PM
 
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Awesome links!
K
Momma to Ebaby, homebirthed, non circ, no vax, co-sleepin,
life-lovin family!
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#16 of 17 Old 02-19-2003, 12:35 PM
 
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I had my first baby in august. My dh was very nervous about having a homebirth (we had 2 prev m/c). We started out seeing a midwife practice at a hospital based birth center, and then switched to a midwife who had privileges at that hospital/birth center but mostly does homebirths. This worked well for convincing him -- We went to the initial consultation and he asked a lot of ?? about safety, circumsances for transfer etc etc and was reassured by her answers. It was also reassuring to both of us that if we *did* end up wanting/or needing to be at the hosp, our mw would still be able to be the primary caregiver. Maybe you can find a mw like that near you?

btw, we had an awesome homebirth!
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#17 of 17 Old 02-19-2003, 12:41 PM
 
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Oh, I forgot to say that my insurance covered this completely, even though when I called to ask if they would cover a homebirth they said no. I think the reason it was covered:
1. mw was a cnm w/ hosp. privileges (even though she does mostly homebirths, which is what we had) and "medical credentials"
2. My policy read that coverage was "100% for prenatal care, labor and delivery, postnatal care" and "$400 co-pay for hospital". Well, I didn't go to the hospital...
3. My mw called the provider line for my insurance, to ask about my coverage. She says that it is pretty common for people to be told they don't have coverage for a homebirth, but if SHE calls, it is all hunky-dorey. She wasn't initially a provider w/ my hmo when I first met her, but she was willing to go through the process to become one.

Hope this helps.
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