I kind of thought the picture would be something very positive but all these fears are coming out in the art.
How do I not sabatage my birth? I have very good earthy feelings about giving birth on the surface but these deeper fears concern me.
Just needed to vent.
You are putting your fears on paper.
Some people would write a story, or a poem.
You are drawing it.
Let your art cleanse your fears from your system. Your fear is laid out on paper for you to see. You are using your creative power to take it out of your subconsciousness and using your arm and eye to create on a piece of paper w/ paint (or charcoal or pencil) what you cannot discern while it is in your mind.
You can look at it from a different POV and deal w/ it more dispassionately.
Armchair psychologist at work.
"It is hard to imagine a more stupid or dangerous way of making decisions than by putting these decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong."
I think in BFW it says that if you can put it out there, it helps remove it, not that it makes it more ingrained in your psyche. It's not supposed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. THe author studied art as a form of expression, so I think this is what she's getting at.
I think if you keep going, you'll get to the stuff where you draw what you want to happen, and that's what will stick in your mind.
But now I'm planning a homebirth... mostly because we don't live near that hospital anymore and I'd like to be at home with both my babies after the birth. I'm not feeling as "at ease" and confident as I did the first time around and I realized that I'm wondering how much of that confidence came from knowing that the drug safety net was right out the door at the hospital. I was very open minded about it and just told myself that I would do my best and not be disappointed if things got too hairy for me. I didn't know what to expect. Maybe this time, knowing how hard and painful pushing him out really was is making me worry.
Anyway, I guess I feel like talking about this with my midwives and working through it now will help me get to a place where I am at ease and confident with my plans and expectations for myself. At this point in time I've resolved to laboring at home and ... if things are going well, then the birth at home will just happen. If things are not going how I'd like them to or if I feel for any reason I'd be more comfortable in the hospital, then that's okay to. I feel like I've found a way to get past this issue and start focusing on other things....
We'll see what comes out in the birth art
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
One thought I had about the picture you described is that you may find it helpful to imagine yourself as that woman on the bed, strapped down and with the mean nurses. Say to them all the things you wanted to say then, but were afraid to. Really give that woman power. Maybe you'd prefer to write a letter. You don't have to send it, probably just getting out all that emotion would be helpful.
That process has helped me through a lot of issues in my life and left me feeling powerful and without the same fears that I had before.
I have been asking my 6yr dd if she would like to make birth art too and she has made some very interesting pieces. It's a wonderful way to share and get discussions started. I have even found out about a two day WS based on BFW being offered not to far from here and I am planning to call and register this afternoon. I am really excited!
Thanks again, you have been a wonderful support.