Vetoed.... - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 11 Old 08-07-2006, 11:58 PM - Thread Starter
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he said "The midwives will take care of you and I'll take care of DD, and you can take care of yourself between the time then and the midwives get here just like you did when you went into labour with DD. Anyway she's good if she's stuck in front of the TV..."

Yeah like I WANTED to do it that way...Like I WANTED to be totally emotionally abandoned by the father of my child and care providers...Hell this time I dont even have a Cat to keep me company or put counterpressure on my pelvis.

Just because I *CAN* do it by myself doesn't mean I *WANT* to do it by myself..

Like for crying out loud, she only costs $300! It costs a hellof alot more to fly either my family or his family out here. Like I want to do that. For crying out loud...

I'm extremely hurt and extremely upset. I guess I should just ditch this whole homebirth idea, see an OB get an induction scheduled and schedule for childcare through the MFRC like a NORMAL person would do...

I dont need anyone...obviously...sheesh I WANT support I WANT someone who cares there...And I'm not gonna get it this time either...

Well at least he's being honest about it...unlike the bio-idiot..

I was hoping for so much more from him..I really was..
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#2 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 12:12 AM
 
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Can you find a doula?
Personally,if he doesn't want to be involved int he birth, don't force him to be. He'llbe far less useful if he's distant and unattached to the process. I really just wanted to offer you s

Namaste, Tara
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#3 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 12:15 AM - Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaTaraX
Can you find a doula?
Personally,if he doesn't want to be involved int he birth, don't force him to be. He'llbe far less useful if he's distant and unattached to the process. I really just wanted to offer you s

Namaste, Tara
Yes I can, I talked to one tonight and I really like her. She's only $300 too.

He acctually just came up and said "I know why I reacted so negatively, YOU think I'm not gonna be good enough so you want to pay some stranger, to take my place" He then went and spouted off how the heck can I trust a Doula, more than I could trust a Dr or nurses at the hospital, whom DESERVE my trust (his words)

Yeah well how the hell is he able to support me when he's busy keeping DD occupied? How is he gonna be able to support me when he's bathing DD and putting her to bed? Seirously? Sure she's not a high maintanance kid, but holy hell she's only THREE....
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#4 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 03:02 AM
 
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I'm so sorry, you must be really upset. Why not send him here so we can have a talk with him? I would be extremly hurt if I was you.

The emotional aspect of birth is not so evident to many men. Maybe he'll come around and realize what he said. But maybe he needs someone else to tell him.

Do get yourself a doula

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#5 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 09:47 AM
 
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uh, sounds like you really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. any way you can do that without the two of you getting upset?

if you can't then write him a letter. stick to what you want, need and feel.


"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift." -- Mary Olivercoolshine.gif

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#6 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 11:18 AM
 
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Pandora,
All this stuff you arre saying to us, have you said to him? Many men have to be told what to do, they don't just "get it."

"Yeah like I WANTED to do it that way...Like I WANTED to be totally emotionally abandoned by the father of my child and care providers...Hell this time I dont even have a Cat to keep me company or put counterpressure on my pelvis. Just because I *CAN* do it by myself doesn't mean I *WANT* to do it by myself.. ... I'm extremely hurt and extremely upset. ... how the hell is he able to support me when he's busy keeping DD occupied? How is he gonna be able to support me when he's bathing DD and putting her to bed?

Tell him all this. Print it out and give it to him. Then tell him to think about it 24 hours before he replies.
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#7 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonR
Pandora,
All this stuff you arre saying to us, have you said to him? Many men have to be told what to do, they don't just "get it."

"Yeah like I WANTED to do it that way...Like I WANTED to be totally emotionally abandoned by the father of my child and care providers...Hell this time I dont even have a Cat to keep me company or put counterpressure on my pelvis. Just because I *CAN* do it by myself doesn't mean I *WANT* to do it by myself.. ... I'm extremely hurt and extremely upset. ... how the hell is he able to support me when he's busy keeping DD occupied? How is he gonna be able to support me when he's bathing DD and putting her to bed?

Tell him all this. Print it out and give it to him. Then tell him to think about it 24 hours before he replies.
I told him that. I really did. He just doesn't "Get" that labour isn't just a physical thing..that it acctually hurts...it's very intense..scary..*sigh*

He's a man. but he can change...if he has to...I guess... Red Green rox..
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#8 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 03:29 PM
 
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A man who is disconnected from the process as much as your dh is doesn't get a vote. If you have the money to pay her, he can't veto the doula.

Can you tell him gently, kindly, something like "I love you very much and am beyond grateful and happy to have you as my partner. But birth is a situation in which I need more than you can offer. I don't expect you to understand this need, and I don't hold that against you, but I need this support. Having a doula here will not keep you from participating as much as you want and need, but she will ensure that my needs are met in ways that she is trained to understand and you are not. There is so much that a compassionate, understanding woman can offer another woman in childbirth. I hate to be secretive and mysterious about this, but I don't think that a man can fully understand this connection and need. And that is why I choose not to birth in a hospital, they are designed around a man's understanding of childbirth, not a woman's."

Have you seen Sears' baby book? He talks about his wife and her doula, how they had a language and groove that he could not understand. He was on the outside looking in. And he is a very connected, understanding man, knowing that women need special support during labor. Make sure your dh understands that there is nothing wrong with him, nothing wrong with your relationship, just that this is something he can't understand and you need more help than he can give. That doesn't make him less of a man, less of a partner or lover. A man is not a woman. It doesn't mean he will be excluded or unwelcome.
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#9 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 04:39 PM
 
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What about looking for a doula in training and doesn't need to be paid, if money is the issue? You should haev what you need while doing something as important as you are!
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#10 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 04:54 PM
 
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Hmm you could go into labor and birth your baby at night while you dc is asleep.
Then dh would be able to support you.

We have always had someone lined up to take care of the kid/s but have never needed them.

I wonder if I will my body to birth at night :
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#11 of 11 Old 08-08-2006, 09:36 PM
 
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Can you find someone to watch your dd?
I feel you mama..... this just sucks- big time. He is not getting it.... at all. Have the doula explain to him that she would be there in whatever ways you needed her to be- if he steps up- she can and will step back....

I think you need to be open and honest with your mw about the situation. If your dh really wants to step up- maybe she can facilitate a discussion between the 2 of you. My mw spoke to dh about me being stressed oiut and needing a break or my bp would skyrocket- so to let me take a bath everynight..... he listened.... all she has to doi is ask him what he feels his role will be during the birth- then you all can go on from there. it will hewlp to have a 3rd party there to help you all figure it out...

hugs mama
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