I do NOT want Inlaws to know... how do you make that work? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 112 Old 03-27-2003, 03:00 AM
 
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Originally posted by bunny's mama
i have certainly been willing to cut people out of our lives who, consistently and as a rule, refuse to respect me, my dh and the rules of our home and family. even if someone is family, i'm not willing to tolerate such blatant and horrid disrespect and constant arguing over what i believe in. beyond how much energy that takes from me, i realized that i didn't want my children to grow up seeing their mother allowing others to walk all over her. that was not the model i wanted to be for my little girl.
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#62 of 112 Old 03-27-2003, 06:31 AM
 
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Oh, one more option: tell them what you told us about "that" piercing, and then mention the hb. I bet they're not even going to hear it

Lisa, you've gotten so much great advice here. I'm going to move close to my family in 2 months, the first time since I'm a mom that I'll have to deal with their intrusiveness, and this thread only makes it clear that there is no other option. I'm going to focus on the fact that they're such great parents that they raised me well enough for me to be able to make very informed decisions for myself. Flies with honey. And if they refuse to listen, return the favor. With lots of emphasis.
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#63 of 112 Old 03-27-2003, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally posted by simonee
Oh, one more option: tell them what you told us about "that" piercing, and then mention the hb. I bet they're not even going to hear it
:LOL OMG! They already think I'm evil incarnate because of my 3 visible tattoos and tounge ring and nose stud (and I'm pretty sure the 4 piercings per ear don't help)... I should just accidently let MIL see ALL my tattoos and piercings, she'd be so busy making the sign of the cross at me she wouldn't even NOTICE what I said and would just agree so I didn't make her go up in flames or something! :LOL Ooooh and if I made Dh show her his tattoo that means my name in binary (I've got one thats his name in hiroglyphics) she'd just have a heart attack! I'm sure I'm the evilest daughter in law she ever imagined! (really I'm not so bad, she's just... sheltered)

But yes I've gotten lots of great advice here and I appreciate it all

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#64 of 112 Old 03-27-2003, 10:49 PM
 
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Lisa,
Line the whole family up for a photo, and the say:

"Everyone say........ Lisa has her hood pierced" and take the picture!!! (You might have to use another word instead of HOOD, they might not GET that)

:LOL (don't forget to load the resulting picture on your website)

Chelly
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#65 of 112 Old 03-27-2003, 11:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Or better yet "Lisa has her hood pierced and MATT was the one who did it!" OMG! Nooooooo! :LOL I don't think my MIL needs to know about any intimate jewlery I have :LOL But I'm sure if she heard that one nothing else would surprise her!

I guess in the battles of battles ahead to be fought at least she thinks breastfeeding is the best thing ever (at least til 9 months... dunno past that). I can at least know thats *one* thing I won't have to battle over for at least a little while!

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If he can't live up to it (and it is a hard thing to stand up to your parents) then find someone who can.
Did want to say Lilyka I get your point, but I don't think I'm gonna abandon my Dh just because he lacks a backbone. And he doesn't choose his mom over me, he will stand next to me whenever we have to have those not so fun 'talks' with his parents, and does agree with me on our decisions (and will sometimes meekly say so to them)... he doesn't agree with me, then agree with her later on... He just perpetually seems dazed when we have to talk about tough issues with his parents... He promised me he'd speak to them WITH me over the homebirth issue if thats what I want, so we will see how that works out... I'm pretty sure with some work we can both try to grow one, so I'll hang onto him.

Vanna's Mom and Perfectlove thanks for sharing your horror stories. I appreciate you sharing to help me learn and grow

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#66 of 112 Old 03-28-2003, 01:11 PM
 
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Interesting thread - I HATE confrontation and avoid it, so I feel for you in this tough, tough situation and I hope things work out beautifully.

You have a few advantages here - it is totally your decision, you don't need their approval or support to go ahead with it, which is great, and also, you have quite a bit of time to think it over, to strengthen your resolve and get comfortable with your choice, and decide how you'll handle it. So, that's great.

I'm a chicken, and I would lean towards NOT TELLING before the birth. It's a private decision and it's none of their business, and you need to feel safe and protected. If secrecy will provide a feeling of safety for you on that important day, then don't tell. Like others have said, it may be too much for them to handle if they feel like they still have time to undermine your decision. They may see your telling them as you asking for permission/support, and feel that it's their duty to argue with you about it.

If it were me, I might make a card that said something like: "Congratulations Grandma and Grandpa! We're so happy to have your love and support as we welcome a new baby into our family. We've made the decision to have our baby at home, and we feel very good about it. We understand that choice may be surprising or even shocking to some, but we've made the choice that is safest and best for our family and our baby. This is a very private matter, and we don't want to discuss it with anyone at this time. Thank you for respecting our wishes."

You could give the card to them after the birth when they come to visit, or if you decide to tell them earlier, you could give it to them then. For me, under pressure I might not say what I wanted to or meant to, so if it's written out, I feel stronger, and more deliberate.

Good luck! You've mentioned not having a spine, but from the tiny bit I know about you, you seem like a strong, vibrant personality who does what she wants in a beautiful way, even when it's not mainstream or conformist. I think this will be especially true as you bring your babe into the world. It's no fun to deal with disapproval, esp. from close family. But you've done your own thing in the past and you'll be able to do it now (I'm thinking of the tattoos/piercings and I'm speaking as a fellow tattooed/pierced woman.) Some of us dread verbal confrontation but that doesn't mean we don't have strong, independant spines!
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#67 of 112 Old 03-28-2003, 08:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally posted by panda
I'm a chicken, and I would lean towards NOT TELLING before the birth. It's a private decision and it's none of their business, and you need to feel safe and protected. If secrecy will provide a feeling of safety for you on that important day, then don't tell.
A lot of people have voted for the 'telling after' part, and while I can see why some would choose to do that, I know for myself, I'm going to have the worst case of nerves before telling them, and I just KNOW having to deal with those nerves during the birth would be hindering me.... because we do want to see them soon after the birth (within a few hours) and not days later, and I have no idea if seeing the baby there will make them more agreeable to me telling them... Thats why I think, if we told them, we'd tell them closer to the end of pregnancy, so I can not have the nerves during birth, but still not have to deal with their disapproval for a loooooong time beforehand.

I see everyone talking about how much this could screw up my birth experience, me being tense and worried over hiding it from them. I know that I'd still be very tense and worried if we told them afterwards to...

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If it were me, I might make a card.
Thats a great idea! I think since I have my 10 page (OMG!) paper on why homebirths are safe, I'd be giving that to them, and just really briefly say "we're having a homebirth, here's all the research we put together on why its as safe as/safer than hospital births, and we will be happy to answer any questions you have after you read what I put together." With the unspoken knowledge that them doing anything besides having a polite discussion with us means that any further speaking of the subject stops. I don't want to go up to them and tell them that part, because then its saying we *expect* them to be unreasonable (and I know subtle put downs on my character get me upset). So if/when they do get unreasonable thats when I/my Dh can bring up the other part. You know basically "be nice or this talk is over".

I don't need their support, just need them to not be argumentative, and if they can't do that, then they'd loose out on seeing the kiddo.

Quote:
Good luck! You've mentioned not having a spine, but from the tiny bit I know about you, you seem like a strong, vibrant personality who does what she wants in a beautiful way, even when it's not mainstream or conformist. But you've done your own thing in the past and you'll be able to do it now (I'm thinking of the tattoos/piercings and I'm speaking as a fellow tattooed/pierced woman.) Some of us dread verbal confrontation but that doesn't mean we don't have strong, independant spines!
Aw thanks! Yes I'm not a conformist or mainstream in a lot of my decisions... I don't know why its so easy to say to someone who doesn't like my tattoos or piercings "Well I like them!" without being reserved or meek... Took my MIL over a year to notice my tounge ring... she freaked and said "OMG! You'll NEVER be able to get a job with that in your mouth!!!!" and I just shot back to her "Well it took you a year to see it!" She privately asked my Dh to tell me to take it out when I was doing interviews, and well we know that those piercing heal lickidy split (I had a hard time putting one back in I took out for 20 minutes) so we just ignored her.

Oh and its really easy to be a non-conformist around friends when you've been 'teaching' them that you're a "freak" (and proud of it! LOL!) since we were freshmen in high school! Anything I do they question I can really just answer them "well you know I'm the weird one" (honestly I do explain things to them... I'm not being 'weird' just for the sake of being weird) and that gets them off my back. Too bad my MIL didn't know me in high school. If she had, well she would be expecting me to constantly go against the flow! Guess I gotta teach her! :LOL

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#68 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 12:08 AM
 
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I've had a thought. Not all planned homebirths happen. Sometimes the woman ends up in hospital for whatever reason. I would be concerned that if they know about the homebirth beforehand, and you then end up in hospital, that you will then have to deal with "I told you so..." and even more crap from them. I still vote for telling them after the fact.
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#69 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 01:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would tell them that I would go to the hospital if everything wasn't going as it should... I absoultley KNOW it would wreck havoc with labor if I had to stress about telling them afterwards. So it really isn't an option. If I could get over stressing about having to stand up to them, well then I would just tell them afterwards, but I've been working on not stressing about confrentation my whole life, and I don't think I'm going to get it worked out in the next 6 months (but wow I can wish huh?). Thanks for telling me that scenario though, so I can handle it as well (and really if they acted like 'told you so' they can turn around and head back home without visiting us!).

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#70 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 02:17 AM
 
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OT Highjack---
Lisa_Lynn I peeked at your site and love your beautiful princess fairies you drew. They are exactly what I am trying to do in my daughters room painting an olde headboard for her first real bed.http://www.ababy.com/itempage.asp?it...eatured%20Item I am trying to do it in a peaceful but playful scene kind of like this one on the twin bed shown. Are you planning your birth a water birth in a tub or in your bed? your pics look like your room would be very peaceful.
Mary
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#71 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 02:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Its ok if you hijack my thread to compliment my art! Thank you! :LOL That bed is SO pretty!! I love love LOVE fairies and fairy tales and stuff When our kiddo is moving into their own room solo me and Dh want to do a painting of a castle over the head of their bed, making some of it 3-D for shelves/small cabinets/nitches and a tiny canopy that is an 'awning' for the castle gate Maybe even light some of the windows like night lights if we can figure out how to do that. When we move I also want to do a large 'painting' that spans an entire wall in our bedroom of a castle at night overlooking a lake (sorta thinking like how the castle looks in the Harry Potter movies).. going to use fiber optics (if we can find them at a decent price) to poke thru the canvas just a tad for stars and to light the windows of the castle... hopefully we move *soon* because thats going to be a HUGE project and I'd like to do it pre baby...

Too bad you don't live closer we could be painters-in-crime together! :LOL

Edited to add more about my homebirth plans! I want a waterbirth, but I know how I usually act when I'm in pain, I move around a lot. So I want my bed and the tub to be prepared for me just because one spot might end up better than another... Our place can be very calm and nice when its clean! I've got lots and LOTS of candle, and I do plan on using them for lighting if the birth is in the evening hours (I love sunlight, so if thats available I'll use it)... I do want our home all clean and cozy for birthing... but we still have to move, and I hope the new place will have more ROOM for all our stuff!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#72 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 03:14 AM
 
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Originally posted by Lisa_Lynn

Did want to say Lilyka I get your point, but I don't think I'm gonna abandon my Dh just because he lacks a backbone. .
AAAAHHHHH- no! Not what I meant. Sorry, let me clarify. I meant if he can't stand up to your parent when they want to ruin your childs birth day by harrassing you about your birth choices then you need to find someone who is not emotionally attatched to his parnets that can stand up to them and send them away if need be. DHd need to be there to support thier wives in the normal just had a baby things they shouldn't even have to defend them from thier parents. But if he insists on calling (why would he ruin this for you by insisting on calling them anyway : it can wait a few hours - they will never know, they don't change that much in the first few hours, he can tell them that she was just born) then you need to have someone there just to deal with them

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#73 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 05:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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AAAAHHHHH- no! Not what I meant. Sorry, let me clarify. I meant if he can't stand up to your parent when they want to ruin your childs birth day by harrassing you about your birth choices then you need to find someone who is not emotionally attatched to his parnets that can stand up to them and send them away if need be. DHd need to be there to support thier wives in the normal just had a baby things they shouldn't even have to defend them from thier parents. But if he insists on calling (why would he ruin this for you by insisting on calling them anyway : it can wait a few hours - they will never know, they don't change that much in the first few hours, he can tell them that she was just born) then you need to have someone there just to deal with them
Oooh I gotcha! Sorry about that If we have any question about them being rude or don't tell them til after the birth (but I think for me thats a bad idea... telling before or not at all seems like the options just for my own comfort) I will certainly have someone around to boot them out if I need to. Dh MIGHT be able to do it, but I don't want to count on that.

Oh and he isn't insisting on calling them at all. He would like to call them (when labor starts, or when the baby arrives) but he's totally ok with waiting if thats what I want. He's not pushy about his part in the birthing stuff, he very much so understands it a big ME thing and is going to be there to support me first and foremost. I keep talking about having the in-laws over soon after the birth because I'd like them there (as long as I've had long enough to breastfeed, wash baby and I, and get dressed first). They CAN be very nice and loving people (a big reason why they confuse me, they go from being such nice good people to weirdos) and I KNOW they are so excited about the baby. I do care for them a lot, even though they can be nutty and annoying. I'd also like to call my close family (3 brothers in the area) soon after the birth to invite them to visit if they want to... I'm kinda weird like that, I don't feel like I want a lot of privacy after the birth (as long as I can get dressed at least in pj's first)... course all this could change after the birth (since I haven't done this before I can only go on what I feel now and be open to change later), and if thats how it is, Dh will call everyone for me, and tell them the baby arrived, and we're planning a 'meet the baby' party in a few days/week (so I don't have people knocking on our door constantly for days at all hours)...

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#74 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 12:10 PM
 
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don't call anyone until after you pee a couple of times you pee. just way to complicated with company those first couple of times.. Thats just my advice

Things don't sound nearly as hairy as they did in your original post. Sounds like everything will work out just fine in the end. Good luck with your birth.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#75 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good advice there thanks! Oh things are still hairy, but it looks like its gonna be much hairier if we try to avoid telling them.... and I really think their last big uproar (about the wedding date) was just to get us to do what they wanted... don't *really* think they would have not come... but if they try that crap this time, and we're like "ok fine, thats your decision" well then they are gonna look darn sheepish coming back to us later! :LOL Still the last thing in the world I want to have to do is tell them... but if its going to be worse not telling them, well gotta pick the lesser of the two evils. And the additional benifits of telling them (they'll expect it later about the kid, and it will be easier as I keep doing it) are nice. Doesn't mean I want to have to face them still! :LOL Because it could be as nutty crazy as I described (not letting us get in a word edgewise -hence the 10 page paper-, threatening to write us off, oh yeah and them possibly 'threatening' us about calling CPS... but its not illegal in Ca. so oh well!)

I haven't even put a lot of thought into telling my family... but they know I'm a little 'different' anyways, and I'll just tell them after the birth and the proof of me and kiddo being safe and sound will be enough for them. I won't be freaking over them, maybe just because I know they will love me/at least a grudgingly respect me regardless?

Thanks again for all the advice you've all given me! I really appreciate it!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#76 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 09:56 PM
 
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When I told my mom she was very upset and scared for me. Once she got a handle on herself she asked "You will be taking him to thehospital for the circumsision won't you?" when I told her we wouldn't be circing the whole homebirth thing was totally behind us

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#77 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 10:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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:LOL Oh thats a good one too! I wonder if they are going to complain about me not cir'cing if I have any boys? They tried to circ all their boys... I say tried because my Dh was born in france, and the dr's didn't know how to do it so he still looks uncut cept for a tiny scar (I think they snipped just a tiny bit off)... I was SHOCKED that his parents would let a Dr who 'didn't know what he was doing' preform a surgery, especially an un-neccisary one!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#78 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 10:48 PM
 
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when I told her we wouldn't be circing the whole homebirth thing was totally behind us


that makes me think of my MIL & SIL, they were so wound up about us not having a nursery or even a crib & cosleeping that they completely haven't bugged us about the HB. The thing *we* think will bother folks the most go right over their heads while they focus on some other detail. Funny how life unfolds sometimes!

OT: We have completely avoided the no-circ discussion by not knowing the sex yet, but OMG, can't wait if it'sa boy! Poor DH~ I make him handle all that stuff with them & they drive him nuts! (he is "little brother")

blessings, Maria
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#79 of 112 Old 03-29-2003, 11:23 PM
 
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I know this is such a hard thing to go through. I had my baby in a hospital with an awesome Doc. Anyway the whole labor my mom was harping on me about being hooked up to the monitor: I had to tell her that there was no reason for me to be on htat thing several times. Any way even after ds was born she said in front of my friends who were visiting me. " Can you believe they wouldn't hook her up to the monitor". I was so angry with her. This was my reply. " Mother Gareth is fine. I did not want or need to be hooked up to that DAMN machine. I refuse to sit here and argue about it when Gareth is here, healthy and it is after the fact. Could you maybe just say that it is after the fact and them arguing isn't going to change anything. And just enjoy your grandchild?

I love the names you have picked
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#80 of 112 Old 03-30-2003, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Glad you like the names too!

I think we're going to have to come to them with a "this is something we've made our minds up about, there is nothing you can do to change that". If we don't I'm SURE we will get lots of 'oh goodness, no, thats bad, go to a dr!" from them...

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#81 of 112 Old 03-31-2003, 02:38 PM
 
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Lisa,
I have an idea on how to go about telling your in-laws. Do they have an answering machine? Have your dh call about a month before the due date at a time when he knows they are not home and leave a message to the tune of "Hi, it's me, I wanted to call and see how you are doing. The baby's due in about a month. I will call you after the birth and did I mention that we are having the baby at home? Well, I will talk to you in about a month. Bye!
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#82 of 112 Old 04-01-2003, 01:54 PM
 
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Maybe you could put in your arsenal of information something from your midwife. That isn't a very good sentence, but I'm too tired to critique it. What I mean is, my midwife gave me a sheet with her qualifications, # of births, education, etc etc. Maybe if they see that she has successfully birthed 400 babies at home or whatever, it will seem "safer" to them.
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#83 of 112 Old 04-01-2003, 02:07 PM
 
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I would also get caller id, a chain lock on my door in case mil gets a hold of a key, and a peephole to see who is at the door as well. One of my girlfriends had her fil get a hold of a garage door opener that worked on their house and fil would come over all the time letting himself in with that.:
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#84 of 112 Old 04-01-2003, 02:31 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are dealign with this whole mess. We expect our second together in mid september and are plannign a home water birth. Luckily my IL"s didnt' freak out, MIL actually tried to stay home to have her kids so I at least had that sympathy. BUT she did ask me if I was going to steriliize the water for the birthing pool! She seemed to think that the entire home and water for the birth had to be completley germ free. umm no was all I had the nerve to say to her.

Blessigns and good luck!
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#85 of 112 Old 04-02-2003, 10:46 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Lisa_Lynn
"no one comes to weddings on fridays"
I got married on a Friday and everyone I invited came too!

My in-laws didn't know my second was a homebirth until 4 years after the fact. I say don't tell them ahead of time. There is no arguing after the fact! Just like how I feel you shouldn't share baby names you have picked out beforehand because people feel free to critique it when you are still deciding but no one ever says while holding or looking at your newborn that your baby has a dumb name!

When I had my one hospital birth my stay was 24 hours after the birth of my baby (not when I was admitted). There is nothing wrong with waiting a little bit to call your inlaws esp if it happens late at night/early in the morning.

You will be amazed at how a baby transforms you! I have found personally that with each child I get stronger and more mother bear-like! LOL!

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. Your in-laws will always be your husband's parents but you are his wife and his immediate family now.

Warmly,
Debra, 31 weeks with baby #4!
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#86 of 112 Old 04-06-2003, 11:59 AM
 
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When I had my first baby-homebirth, we knew that is what we wanted.
My own family was not keen on it, but my husband's mother had had a homebirth (not planned) with her 3rd child..She had 5 children.
so she was o.k. with it..
I didn't let on I was seeing a midwife to my family, they assumed I was seeing a Dr./hosp. birth.
Once baby was born, we called everyone, at that point they were so thrilled with the new baby, they accepted the homebirth...
I would say, after that I had more children, all homebirth, and no one ever questioned it again..
I think too, it is alright to just say, this is right/comfortable for
us, and explain briefly why it feels safe/ok./right for you.
They don't have to agree, but you could say, if this isn't comfortable for you, I need you to accept our choice, and I cannot hear bad things/disagreement at this time..
Once baby is born, they will I'm sure, have a huge change of heart.
Homebirth is empowering, the bonding, joy, love is unexplainable!:
So, if you don't feel they will be supportive, or be able to accept, it should be your choice who you share the info. with on your plans to homebirth, it is after all "your" birth. Many "parents"- (grandparents) are not
there for the birth, and there is plenty of time to phone following the birth.
A new baby will change many a heart/thought process.
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#87 of 112 Old 04-06-2003, 04:53 PM
 
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We've got similar mil's Lisa.

I had a homebirth this last time and we didn't want to listen to her crap either. And, like you, no matter how much we make it clear these are our decisions and we've made them she still goes on and on about how "wrong" they are, in her passive aggressive way.

With the homebirth, we didn't tell her until the very end. Just wasn't really her business, you know? We said we were going to labor at home (our way of not quite saying homebirth, but not quite lying either lol!). But finally a week or two before my due date we just told her. I mean, it's not like she was going to change our minds, but the damned nagging! It's so annoying! And you can't get it across to her that you're not changing your mind, she always thinks she can persuade you.

In my opinion, I would tell them but only right before your due date or after the birth. Could you write them a letter or something? That way they can't interrupt you and they sort of have to "hear you".

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's ugly, I know. :

C ~ mama to (16), (13), (9) (5)

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#88 of 112 Old 04-07-2003, 01:00 AM
 
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I totally understand not wanting to get into it with your in-laws. I got into it with my MIL, and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I would do whatever you can to avoid the subject. If they bring it up, say "I'd rather not talk about it. I'd prefer that we change the subject." If they don't drop it, say "I'm sorry, I'm really not comfortable discussing something so personal." You definitely don't need the stress of a confrontation either while you're pregnant, or after you've had a baby. You need to make it clear to your dh that if his parents refuse to stop making you uncomfortable, it's unreasonable for him to expect you to be around them.

The people who are telling you to "grow up" must not know what it's like to be a vulnerable, sensitive person. We can't just "grow" the armour that some people seem to be so conveniently equipped with.

Okay, everyone can jump on me now... I don't care. It's worth it to be able to let you know that there's at least one person who's totally WITH YOU on this one.

-Alice, SAHM to dd (2001) and ds (2004) each of whom was a homebirth.jpg, who each self-weaned at 4.5 years bfolderchild.gif, who both fambedsingle2.gif'd, who were bothcd.gif, and both: novaxnocirc.gif.   Also, gd.gif, and goorganic.jpg!

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#89 of 112 Old 04-07-2003, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
In my opinion, I would tell them but only right before your due date or after the birth. Could you write them a letter or something? That way they can't interrupt you and they sort of have to "hear you".
Good idea! But I'm not sure... a letter might ruffle feathers worse? I'll have to think on that one... We won't be telling them til much later on... like 30+ weeks along... and my plan is to leave them a copy of my huge ol' report on why homebirths is safe. If they don't want to listen, I'll just leave it for them... Me and Dh have discovered that they don't really care about research or anything... its all about their OPINION on how things are... and it doesn't matter if their opinion is totally based on outdated info, or just what they randomly 'think' about a subject (not knowing all the info)... Example would be we're looking to buy a home here... we're about 30 mins from San Francisco, and its a nice area. Equals REALLY expensive home prices. We can afford a nice small condo that looks like a house from the outside (its not apt type condos)... but his folks keep telling us "Noooo you can afford a house. I see these little houses ALL the time and think it would be great for you guys!"... now they haven't looked at prices in Ca for over 8 years, their house purchased for $250,000 now would sell for $500,000 or so... so they truly are clueless.. but no matter how much research and hunting I tell them we've done, nope, we're wrong, they DO sell single family homes for what we can afford. They haven't picked up a paper, called a relator, gone to open houses, looked online, ect, ect, about ANY of this, but darn it they *ARE* right. : Sigh. Ok sorry... back on track. Point is, I don't think its gonna matter at ALL the research we've done. If their automatic gut reaction OPINION is "its bad" well to them it IS bad. Period. So ah, if we tell them, its just gonna be SOOOOO much fun. Not. But if I left all the info for them there, well at least I'll know I tried to inform them and let them stop worrying. Won't do a lick of good for them I'm sure, but it will make ME feel better...


Quote:
The people who are telling you to "grow up" must not know what it's like to be a vulnerable, sensitive person. We can't just "grow" the armour that some people seem to be so conveniently equipped with.
Ahhhh it is nice to be understood. I don't think I'll ever had a full set of armour to wear when standing up to people... I try my best, but its not just a *snap* ok now it won't bother me type of thing... It'll always be hard, and it will always be difficult... And trust me I've done a LOT of work to get some armour/backbone or what not... I DO stand up for myself... I don't get pushed around... I "wear the pants" in my marriage (not in a mean way or anything... I SPOIL my Dh SO much and he feels very lucky to be with me)... have refused to let myself get in bad relationships once I realized what was going on in my past relationships... I was on my own at 16... having to be VERY strong facing going to jail for being a runaway, working full time while finishing school, etc... tons and tons of examples... I just choose to avoid confrentation when I can... but I do think, from all the personal stories and such everyone has told me, that this specific issue may hurt me more in the future if I don't handle it now... I'm just making up my mind about whether this is indeed something "worth" the stress its going to put me and Dh thru.

Quote:
Lisa, I REALLY recommend taking a few hours for yourself after the birth. The baby will still be "new" a few hours later. With my first, I had everyone in right away.
Thanks for sharing your experiences... esp WHY waiting awhile might be a good idea. If I don't feel like having any company for awhile after the birth, I won't. I just feel now that I will want them over soon afterwards. But I'm not making that a "for sure" thing right now... since I know I may feel differently after giving birth. My Dh knows this too, that I may or may not want company... and since he's in charge of the after phone calls, I'll just tell him what I want, and thats what will happen. So we shall see how I am after the birth, and what I'm feeling then, and go with it. And when I say that I think I'll want them over soon after the birth, I do mean after everyone else has left and things are cleaned up (well at least everything but the birthing pool... ) so I do assume that will take an hour or two... and if I'm zonked out at that point, well Dh will know better than to tell people to come over...

But I do really appreciate you sharing! And telling me the big WHY of waiting... a nap may be just what I need first

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#90 of 112 Old 04-11-2003, 10:48 AM
 
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Lisa, the one reason I would not tell them before is because there is always the risk (albeit very slight) that you will for some reason go to the hospital. They will be talking about the time crazy Lisa tried to have a baby at home and 'I told you so'ing for yeaars to come. If you tell them afterward there is nothing they can do about it.

Evergreen- Loving my girls Dylan dust.gifage8, Ava energy.gifage 4 and baby Georgia baby.gif (6/3/11).

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