I do NOT want Inlaws to know... how do you make that work? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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#91 of 112 Old 04-11-2003, 12:18 PM
 
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Oh, thats a very good thought! I agree!
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#92 of 112 Old 04-13-2003, 07:04 AM
 
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I'm glad you decided to tell your IL's, I don't see any easy way to hide a homebirth. Thats a pretty big thing.

I understand where your coming from in regards to confrontations. I used to hate confronting people, I hated it so much that I would sit there and let them bowl right over me. It was awfull, most of the time I would be pushed into something I didn't want, and I always felt bad afterward. Eventually I had to take a good hard look at myself, I figured that standing up to someone had to be better in the long run than the resentment I felt toward myself and others for letting them walk all over me. I learned a very important lesson, some one allready mentioned that you teach others how to treat you, well it's true. Once I stopped letting people push me around I noticed that they stopped trying. Your giving your IL's a power over you that they don't need to have.

I also agree with the people who said that you need to set boundries for your IL's now. It really won't get any easier if you wait, and IMO this is the perfect opportunity for you to do that. The sooner you let them know that you make the decisions for your family and they are to be respected the more headaches your going to save yourself down the road. Also grandchildren are wonderfull for getting parents to bite their toungues. I've noticed my MIL doesn't give me half as much crap as she used to now that she knows me not talking to her will result in her not seeing her grandchild.

If I where in your shoes (and I just may be some day since I know my IL's don't approve of HB, but after one awfull hospital birth experience I really don't care. They can like it or lump it), I would tell your IL's before hand. I would go over to their house (so you can leave if it gets hairy) and tell them flat out: I have something to tell you, and I know that you aren't going to like it, but I've put alot of thought into this and my mind is made up. I would appreciate it if you would hear me out before you say any thing. We have chosen to have a home birth, I realize that you have concerns, and you may not like it, thats why I've taken the liberty of printing off this information for you. You may also do research of your own if you like, but I will not discuss this untill you have read the infromation. If you choose not to thats fine, but if you don't I will not listen any critisism you may have regarding my decison. I also will not argue with you about this, if you want to discuss this rationally like adults wonderful, but I will not fight with you.

If they start going off and wont let you speak, well then, my only advice is to get a loud wistle and blow it every time they start to talk over the top of you, then tell them to zip it and finish what you where saying. (I'm only half joking here).

I wish you the best of luck, both with your IL's and with your upcoming home birth.
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#93 of 112 Old 04-13-2003, 09:06 AM
 
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Lisa, I've been following this thread with interest (I have pushy IL''s too!) and I just wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I wanted to agree with everyone who said you should tell them about the HB *before* the birth. You have said repeatedly in your posts that the stress and fear of telling them afterwards might actually hinder your labor. Honor that instinct and tell them before- that way you are all set to labor without the fear and stress. I also agree with everyone who said you do NOT have to argue or discuss this. Tell them- the second they become loud, angry, argumentative (and from your previous posts I'm sure they will)- just leave the room. Go. It's THEIR problem, not yours. Go into your bedroom, put on some music- they can rant and rave in the living room, but you don't need to listen, and eventually they'll give up. Repeat as necessary.

And remind yourself- THEY are out of line here, NOT YOU! How you give birth is NONE of their business and it is outrageous that they think they get a vote here. Keep reminding yourself of that. You don't need to argue, explain, or justify. THEY need to back off!

Good luck and please let us know how it goes!
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#94 of 112 Old 04-13-2003, 11:31 PM
 
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Hi Lisa and others
I read this one with a great deal of interest. We DID NOT tell my dh parents. I wanted to however at my dh request we did not. They live three hours+ away. They are in their 70's and seem older than that. And they are fairly 'detatched' anyway.
My mom was with us and loved it.
I think if she (mil) would ask I would come clean. I do not have it in me to lie. It was such a great experience.
His folks do not know that we do not vax either.
OH well. My dh has had to deal with them a lifetime. Bless him.
K
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#95 of 112 Old 04-18-2003, 06:25 AM
 
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and LIVED with them for several years, even through pregnancy and the birth of my daughter. A glimpse into the psychosis: when I did the laundry, MIL would waste an hour of her life to take it off the line and re-hang it, since I obviously couldn't do it right. Everything with her was like that, especially when baby came along, oh lordy. When you get so caught up in defending yourself -- just step back and remember the simple fact that you have NO responsibility to them for ANYTHING that you do. You do not need to justify or even discuss your decisions with them. This is your body, your baby, your birth, your life, your emotional state, your memories, your new family. You need to begin protecting this space now with honesty, integrity and gentle firmness. For YOUR sanity, not theirs!

As you noted about the search for real estate, your inlaws don't know or care what's accurate and timely - they simply like to feel their own conviction that they are right. So don't worry about getting them to agree with you on the homebirth (or the house). Just make it clear that you will make your own decisions unimpeded.

I am not saying anything that hasn't been said here already, just chiming in with "I've been there" and agreeing with others that there is no way out but to lay down the law. It will be uncomfortable and painful at first for you to suddenly change the rules of the relationship, but you will be doing everyone a favor in the long run. They clearly love you both and it is very doubtful they would estrange themselves from you and your dh especially with a baby in the picture! They are the ones with all the problems - let them agonize, not you. They will get used to it over time.

I feel for you, though, because I know what it's like. That feeling of big brother (or big mother!) constantly watching and judging you ... it's exhausting. Believe me, it will only be worse once the baby is here unless you curb it now. When my dd was born, I had to become much more confrontational than I ever wanted. But it worked - my MIL respects me now, or at least pretends to (i.e., would never dare cross me on issues that are my domain), and that is good enough for me!

Sorry for such a long post. Good luck, and please do what you need to to ensure that your birthing space is deeply safe, serene, harmonious and free of any extraneous anxieties, so you can have that beautiful home birth you dream of!
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#96 of 112 Old 04-19-2003, 07:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by sphinx
I feel for you, though, because I know what it's like. That feeling of big brother (or big mother!) constantly watching and judging you ... it's exhausting.
Thanks for sharing and especially thanks for understanding how hard this is...

and I know this is all just going to get worse... I'm looking into vaxes right now and know we won't be following the schedule... that'll be fun to explain... and co sleeping... and perhaps when breastfeeding gets into extended lengths (at least my MIL asked and was *very* happy that I was going to breastfeed).. and 101 other things I'm sure! It truly is better to handle it now, but I'm NOT looking forward to telling them about the homebirth...

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#97 of 112 Old 04-19-2003, 09:05 PM
 
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Don't even bring up vaxxing with them. This is something they would otherwise not know anyway. I said something about it the other day and my mom was shocked. almost 7 years into this she had no idea we weren't vaxing. And I am pretty vocal about it. unless this is something you want them to know there is noreason to even let them know. It isn't something hard to hide like the homebirth thing unless they will be accompaning you to the Dr. office.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#98 of 112 Old 04-19-2003, 09:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh I'm not planning on specifically bringing up vaxes, but I don't want to lie to them if they ask... and I won't be surprised if they DO ask at some point... I was meaning more than all my choices as a parent will be questioned by them if they know about them (and things like gentle discipline and such they will know about... they are NOT going to spank our baby!)... Yeah I just re-read what I wrote and I wasn't all that clear... my brain is on "home buying mode" and doesn't seem to be working too well on everything else lately! :LOL

And I bet my MIL WOULD love to go to Dr. appts with the baby when he arrives... she wanted to go to an ultrasound with me (she doesn't know we had this last one done) if I had anymore to do... and I'm thinking... when I have to expose myself from the bottom of my bra to the top of my pubes my MIL is NOT going to be in the room with me! :LOL Course I didn't tell her this... just kinda nodded and smiled...if she's annoyed when we tell her the news tommorow and show her the video we will just act innocent and say "well we wanted to surprise everyone!"

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#99 of 112 Old 05-03-2003, 10:41 PM
 
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Lisa,
I feel for you - you are in a rough spot. I am currently ttc #2 and we are planning a HBAC. My mother and fiance and grandparents are unsupportive of APand HB, though my ILs are supportive. I do understand where you are coming from, Lisa.
But I have to agree with the majority of moms on this thread. You should be truthful. I can't see bringing a baby into the world with an air of secrecy and lies, hurrying around to hide the evidence. Is that really what you want for your birth? You may think that it won't affect your special day, but it probably will. You will have just gone thru one of the most truthful and honest experiences of your life. Do you want to look people in the eye then and lie to them?
I know it seems like you could avoid a drama by lying, and you and your dh have decided to "pick your battles" with your ILs. What could be more important than your son's birth? I think you will see that motherhood has a way of turning women into advocates for their child.
Think about this: do you want to tell your son he was born at home? Is so, Will you then ask him to lie to his grandparents about it? That is not fair to a child.
This is what I plan to do: keep my HBAC low-key for as long as possilble. Then, come to my family armed with literature about the safety of homebirth, and say something like, "Research has proven it is just as safe or safer than hospital birth. If you would like to read this, I think you will see we have made the most responsible decision for our child. We are firm in our choice, and it is not up for debate. We appreciate your support." End of conversation. I will have a similiar talk with my mother eventually, and I get nervous thinking about it. BUT YOU CAN DO THIS! Help pave the way for an honest future for your son.
Good luck to you, and sorry this is so long.
Katie
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#100 of 112 Old 05-03-2003, 10:47 PM
 
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Just realized there was another page to this thread Guess I can stop trying to convince you now. I am so glad you decided to tell them. I am here to chat if you need a build-up or a chat. Let me know how it goes, as I have a talk in my future.
Katie
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#101 of 112 Old 05-04-2003, 07:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for sharing Katie And working so hard to help convince me before you saw I already had been Thank you for the offer to chat or build up beforehand! It is going to be awhile before I tell then though, which I know some disagree with, but I see no need to be nagged about constantly from here til birth... I'm thinking I'll tell them sometime after the baby shower, so I don't have to deal with too much stress from what I'm REALLY thinking will be a big amount of negativity from them. I'd just tell them after the birth if thinking of that conversation coming up wouldn't stress me out horribly during the birth! Because the idea of having my midwives and doula around to keep them from being evil sounds really nice! But I'd stress over it too much beforehand...

So wait another oh, 15 weeks or so and then I can come here and babble on and on about telling them, and what shocked reaction they have! At least my MIL is learning that I won't be pushed around with all these discussions about our home buying saga!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#102 of 112 Old 05-05-2003, 02:59 AM
 
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I am posting before reading any of the responses.....
We had ahome birth with our second child(would have been a waterbirth had she not been 5 weeks early with only a 2 hour labor, they had about 6 inches of water in the tub when I had her lol) We didn't want to tell my grandmother b/c she would have made herself very ill worrying about me through out the pregnancy(she's very ill as it is and didn't need the added stress). I called her after dd was born and told her we had her and were home, and told her about the birth. She wasn't hurt and understood why we didn't tell her. It was hard keeping it a secret all those months, but she did know I was seeing a midwife and just thought I was going to deliver at the birthing center. Perhaps you could tell them you're having the baby at a birthing center and they only keep you 4 hours, but limit the # of people that can visit since they don't keep you long term and may have other mothers in labor and don't want to disturb them. And that you'll call as soon as you're home? That way they are prepared for you to be home soon after the birth, but won't be expecting to go see the baby at the "birth center" as soon as it's born?

We also didn't tell MIL when I was in labor the LAST thing I wanted was that *w*itch on my door step with me in labor!!!
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#103 of 112 Old 05-11-2003, 04:09 PM
 
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Totally OT, but I had to respond to the whole housing issue question - I live in SF and my family is EXACTLY the same way. We live in a $%%# slum cause it's all we can afford, but no amount of actual math will convince my relatives of that. Ooooh no. We must just be too picky, or not looking hard enough, or something...
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#104 of 112 Old 05-27-2003, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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LOL! Now everyone sees that my MIL is really crazy huh? Yeah we've revised "telling them before" to telling them afterwards/let them find out at some later point. Yeah most likely it will be afterwards when Dh calls and says "We had the baby!" And they ask what room number we're in! :LOL

But if my MIL is still acting like a fruitcake we won't be calling them so soon afterwards anyways. I'm not having her nuttiness in my face right after I birth!

I'll still have my huge printout on why homebirth is safe though for them. Because I do realize they will find out someday. At this point though, someday could be the day Orion is born, or a month or year later. When they get all mad we didn't tell them, or they found out some other way, honestly we won't feel the least bit guilty for not telling them. We'll just say something about how much she freaks out and we didn't want to deal with it.

I really like the idea of having my midwives and doula around when the visit, but also right now the last thing I want to think of is my MIL visiting less than 2 hours after I birth!

So I think right now we're going to see what the relationship is like closer to the birth... but yeah we're not telling them beforehand now. Too much stress!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#105 of 112 Old 05-28-2003, 03:19 PM
 
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I didn't tell anyone until after the birth. I called my family a few hours later, and they were surprised (and maybe shocked) but at that point there was not much to say. They were happy that the baby and I were doing well. Who is going to criticize you and get angry at a time like that?
All of our neighbors found about the birth later in the day and were surprised but I didn't feel like I owed them any explanation. For those who seemed interested/positive about the experience, I offered details. And to those who seemed shocked/negative, I just told them how fast the labor was and how I was better off at home with the midwife than having the baby en route. Period.

It is your birth, not theirs.
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#106 of 112 Old 05-29-2003, 10:10 PM
 
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man was it funny now looking back it the whole thing. my inlaws (her mom) was a freak about the whole thing. when she first told her i remember over the phone her mom was going crazy. then her mom came to visis and man things got bad. i really do not like other people besides my wife trying to tell me how to run my life so it got loud. she was yelling at us saying how much she loves the baby(like we did not) and all she cares about is that the baby is safe and the safest place for the baby is in the hospital(yeah right). so we finally just told her no matter what she sid it did not matter but the fact that she would not support my wife would actually hurt the baby(a little lie) because it would cause my wife to stress over her feelings. she seemed to calm down. after that she asked about getting our son circumcised. wooooooooo that started it all over again. and that is another story all to gether. but i always make it a point to let everyone know what is going on it makes me feel better knowing i do not have to hide it and if they do not like it i just tell them oh well. yeah it takes a long time for them to see the light but she did and had no problems when we had our second one at home she actually was kinda happy we did. wierd but true.
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#107 of 112 Old 05-30-2003, 10:49 AM
 
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My IL's were a whole nothe set of circumstances. FIL and his wife were rather suppotive (and now brag about me lol) FIL's mom was behind me 100%. My MIL -oye ve. I did not want her to learn of our plans (even if it meant flat out lying, didn't care) but you know word gets around. By the time I was in my third trimester she was ranting and raving all kinds of things and threatening behind my back to call SS on me unless I sought prenatal care. I thought she was just blowing smoke. Should have known -5 days after my son was born CPS was knocking on my door. I have since forbidden her from my home and from seeing my kids for that fiasco (that did get resolved, but she STILL feels justified in what she did and has never apologized. She wants US to apologize! The lady is crazy)

edited to fix my atrocious spelling
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#108 of 112 Old 06-02-2003, 10:53 AM
 
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Don't tell me I killed a four page thread!! no! no!! :LOL
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#109 of 112 Old 06-02-2003, 02:47 PM
 
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Give it a few hours - they'll be back.
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#110 of 112 Old 06-02-2003, 02:50 PM
 
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:LOL -oh yes - the evening crowd has yet to arrive!!

I had forgotten Lisa to say that I had read most of your other thread on the other forum (where was it? ) about your MIL, and now I realllllly hope she does not find out about your HB!! She sounds like a real piece of work! Best wishes to you
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#111 of 112 Old 06-02-2003, 03:05 PM
 
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Lisa may very well have been ... uhmmm ... *working on her journal* on the weekend ... maybe she could publish a book someday or turn this into a movie (or series) along the lines of Mommy Dearest and call it Mother-In-Law Dearest. :
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#112 of 112 Old 06-02-2003, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Last Minute
Lisa may very well have been ... uhmmm ... *working on her journal* on the weekend ... maybe she could publish a book someday or turn this into a movie (or series) along the lines of Mommy Dearest and call it Mother-In-Law Dearest. :
No luckily this weekend the only unpleasantness I got to deal with was the dust on knick nacks and books in our bedroom we were packing. I really don't want to see MIL (goodness who would??) , but it'll have to happen soon I suppose... we have to give her a check for $ we borrowed (we're slowing paying her back for her helping pay for a little bit of Dh's school) and I'm supposed to pick her up some soup mix at Sam's Club... Hmmm maybe I should just package it all up and mail it to her! :LOL

JesseMomme you're MIL is a real piece of work too!! The other thread is in TAO She won't find out about the homebirth til afterwards now! Luckily none of our friends or my family have ANY contact with her... not that I've told my family either yet though! :LOL They can find out afterwards, because I know they'll see healthy mama + healthy baby and it will all be ok with them at that point. But my family might find out at my shower, since all my friends do know (MIL isn't invited to this shower)... I'll ask them to not say anything (I don't want to debate that day) but if they forget or slip up, oh well. My family knows I'm REALLY stubborn and do what I want anyways!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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