I wanted a HB and almost had one. But after 16 hours of being in labor and going through transition three times because of a swollen cervix, I was transferred to the hospital to get IV fluids and an epidural because of horrendous back labor and because I hadn't rested much in days. When I got there, the OB said he would only do a c-section because he didn't think I could give birth on my own. My MWs were exhausted, DH was exhausted, I could hardly pronounce my name, so we agreed on it but I felt my heart shatter. It has been nearly two weeks since and I still keep rethinking the whole experience.
The OB told me he had delivered four babies, had just gotten home, and was called in again. Obviously he wanted me rushed. Had I been able to progress naturally, he wouldn't have been able to go home for a long time. Two days prior to going into labor, my MWs showed up to get me to go into labor. One of them resists delivering babies over 42 weeks. For many days before they came and when they came, virtually every technique was tried to get me into labor including herbal remedies, nipple stimulation, DTD with DH, and then the MWs gave me castor oil. The contractions never stopped, but were nothing like the contractions of labor. Then the MWs were finally able to break my water bag on 2/7 which finally sent me into fast labor. I went through transition, but didn't feel the urge to push. I pushed because it seemed like the right thing to do. I pushed for two hours and my cervix swelled which shut down my contractions. I then went through transition a second time and the same thing happened again. One MW tried to manually move my cervix, but her doing that felt like nothing I've experienced before. I needed to be held down because it hurt so much. But she stopped trying. The third transition, the baby moved totally posterior and the back labor started. Those were the worst contractions and they went on for hours it seemed before I agreed to go to the hospital.
I felt so much pressure from everyone to give birth at 42 weeks. I think my body just wasn't ready. My baby was totally healthy and the amniotic fluid level was good. My baby's heart rate stayed steady throughout labor. Other issues were that my mother begged me to be present at the birth. I told her that she could be there, but she had to come alone. I didn't want any men in the house except DH. She ignored me and brought my father along. He created havoc for the MWs and I really felt my anxiety and stress levels rise when he arrived. Even though he was downstairs the whole time, I totally felt betrayed by his presence. After the birth I told my mother that she really hurt me and her response was that she couldn't leave me father at home because it would have broken his heart. So much for my heart and respecting the rules of my house.
I'm really trying to focus on my beautiful baby and how she came through all of the interventions with flying colors. Luckily I was able to refuse a lot of the interventions, but I still feel like I betrayed her. But DH couldn't go through much more. He was there with me through everything and he cried when I was at my worst. He held my hand through surgery. He stayed with me every night in the hospital.
DH is gone this week on business and I'm by myself. My mother stayed with us for five days, but every time I tried to express an emotion about the birth around her, she argued with me saying that my baby was in danger because I was at 42 weeks and a lot of BS like that. Thank God she left.
In all I feel cheated, embarrassed, like I'm a hypocrite for advocating natural birth and then resorting to surgery, like I'm a disappointment, like I'm just a big whiner.
For other moms who have been through something similar, please tell me that the emotional pain eventually lessens. I keep thinking that next time I can have a HBAC, but I know DH doesn't want more children so it isn't something I can set my heart upon. I loved being pregnant, I love my daughter and she is such a delight. When she whimpers, my heart just melts.
If you have any reassurances or words of comfort or can share your own journeys, please let me know.
S & J . DD 2/8/7. DS 4/25/10. Natural foods eating, sleep deprived, gardening WAH mama.