Dp won't let me have a hb!!! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-14-2007, 01:13 AM
 
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Read my birth story for a plethora of reasons to stay far far away from hospitals.

Victim of Birth Rape & Coerced ribboncesarean.gifUnnecesareanribboncesarean.gif What makes people think they can cut up someone else's genitals? nocirc.gif
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Old 12-14-2007, 01:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rachel_eva View Post
my MIL is from a "third world" country in south america. she hb'd her first 10 kids and then had a hospital birth for her last. she ended up locking the doctor out of the room and birthing alone rather than have them mess with her anymore.
I think your MIL is my new short-term duration personal savior.
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Old 12-14-2007, 01:28 AM
 
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I told my DP (then darling boyfriend) that until he grew a uterus and pushed the baby down his birth canal and out of his vagina he could choose to be there or not be there, but he couldn't pick where the "there" was.

I have had 3 posterior births. Do you know what the chances are that my births would have gone without intervention in the hospital? Zero. I would have ended up with at least one c-section. Why? In a hospital, most OP presentations are considered "unbirthable". Well, at my house I have a 100% OP birth rate. If your DP is deluding himself that a hospital can "manage" complications better and refuses to even consider the birthing mother's perspective, I suggest you stop participating in discourse with him and make an executive decision.

1- DS#1 was turned sideways (transverse). He was presenting with his shoulder/neck/upper back. My MW tried to turn him externally but was unable to so she tried an internal version. She successfully turned him to a head-down position. I continued to labor and he was born Occipital Posterior.

2-DS#2- OP with two nuchal hands. Almost born in his caul. After bag broke during crowning, my DP manipulated one of his arms somehow and he "popped" right out! (He was a UC).

3- DD- OP

My point is, the choice needs to be yours.
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Old 12-14-2007, 01:49 AM
 
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I agree with PPs about having your DP meet a midwife and have a question and answer session about your concerns. Another thing I would do if possible is to have your DP meet with another man that has attended a homebirth. Get the guy's perspective on it.

The first person to recommend a HB to me was a male co-worker--he was so impressed by how smoothly and how involved the midwives were that he couldn't sing any higher praises and would suggest a HB to anyone he knew was going to have a baby. His wife had 2 Hospital births then a HB and I think it was the complete support the midwife gave his wife and the bonding he was able to do that made him a HB supporter.

Oh and as far as complications go . . . midwives are trained to deal with them, where as OBs are not trained to deal with comforting and supporting a laboring woman or the numerous techniques that can and should be used to progress labor, relax the baby/mother, etc. before resorting to the knife.

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Old 12-14-2007, 02:00 AM
 
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From the time my second dd was born, my dh and I fought about homebirth. Our situation was a little bit different though, because my dd was an accidental uc on the side of the road, on the way to the hospital. DH ended up catching her in the front seat, and I think that experience terrified him. He was terrified because the experience seemed so out of control, because I was in pain and he couldn't do anything about it, and because he just felt so inexperienced and frightened.

We argued about it like crazy. Every time I brought it up, we would fight, and he would yell. We started ttc when my youngest was 3, and it took almost a year, but we fought about it the whole time. I knew that a homebirth was the best option for me- my labor with dd was 45 minutes from start to finish, and no Dr anywhere would "let me" (Ooooh, how I hate that expression!) go into labor on my own, and I refused to be induced. I knew that the chances of another uc were high, and figured that a planned hb would be much safer than another side of the road birth.

When I finally got pregnant, we still argued about it, but I started calling homebirth midwives. I personally wasn't comfortable with the "I'm doing my way and you can like it or not" mentality, and I think it would have caused huge problems in our marriage, but I did tell my dh that he did not have the right to make the decision for all of us unilaterally. I told him he owed it to me to do some research, and come up with a list of questions and concerns, and then meet with at least one hb midwife. If, after doing some research, and meeting with a midwife to ask questions, etc, he still felt as adamantly opposed to it, I told him I would re-evaluate.

I had prepped the midwife and told her some of my dh's objections, but I think his fear were a lot like the op's- the nebulous "something bad could happen." We talked with the midwife and it went well, and after a week or so, he told me that if it was that important to me, we could have a homebirth.

The sad part about this story is that I lost that pregnancy at 13 weeks, and haven't been able to conceive since, so we never got our homebirth. But, I've started working as a doula with that same homebirth mw, and dh is a lot more comfortable with the idea. Once he realized that a mw can take care of virtually any complication, and that all he would have to provide for is some emotional support, he started feeling better.

My advice is to take it slow, help him research, be patient, and insist that he does his research. He cannot force a hospital birth on you if he hasn't done any learning about the advantages and safety of homebirth.

Violin teaching, doula-ing Mom to Abby, (8) Ashlynn, (6) : and Max (11/13/08) Diagnosed with Metopic Craniosynostosis. First surgery 5/1/09, Second surgery March 2010.
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Old 12-14-2007, 03:17 AM
 
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My advice is to take it slow, help him research, be patient, and insist that he does his research. He cannot force a hospital birth on you if he hasn't done any learning about the advantages and safety of homebirth.
:


My advice:

1. Start researching with the below.
2. Find an experienced midwife that has delt with complications and transfers.
3. Take a Bradley Method class.

Dh and I had the crying fights for months also. I wasn't willing to go completely against him, though after a hospital birth with #1 he agreed that there would be no hospital.

I found my midwife through an AP group. I had her number for a year before I became pregnant. Dh came to most of the appointments (many of them were at our house).

[I had pre-e with #1; it was likely caused by lack of sleep, so-so diet, no exercise (I worked in a classified facility that I couldn't leave on a military base in Alaska) to neglectful "dr. managed" care at the hospital. My bp became progressively higher at every visit and I only gave a urine sample in the first and last months. With #2 I got more sleep, better food, and was watched carefully by my midwife and did not have a sign of pre-e.]

Dh felt that the midwives were more attentive than the hospital had been. Dh asked questions at every visit. My midwife had had a few transfers (no lights and siren emergencies) that were ultimately unnecessary, and one that was necessary. My midwife had also had eight homebirths herself. They were prepared for breach, shoulder dystocia, cord prolapse, etc.

We had "compromised" on a birth center about twenty minutes away and 5 from a hospital. At 38 weeks we visited the birthcenter which was an old house with two birth rooms, two bathrooms, a parlor, kitchen and a laundry room. Dh realized that we were about to spend $500 to birth at a house, and said OK, home birth.

My midwives missed my homebirth because by the time I was sure I was in labor they had to drive two hours from a meeting in Austin. Dh arrived 20 before dd was born in the bathtub. He got to see dd's head hang out under water before she was born, and got to lift her up, realize his son wasn't missing his penis but was a girl , and cuddle with her while I was dealing with the after birth stuff. The three of us were alone for 30 minutes before my midwife's midwife friend arrived. He had fun telling the story at work.


Quote:
Homebirth Safety Resources
The following are resources MDC members found helpful for convincing family members of the safety of homebirth:

Articles & Links:
British Medical Journal study
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articl...ogyinbirth.asp
http://gentlebirth.org/archives/prntshar.html
http://www.homebirthdallas.org/HANDWebResources
http://www.texas-midwife.com/ishomebirthsafe.htm
http://gentlebirth.org/archives/prntshar.html
http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/5510/studies.html
http://home.earthlink.net/~eaglefalc...irthoprah.html
http://www.homebirth.org.uk/homebirthindex.htm
http://www.healthychild.com/database..._like_home.htm
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articl...irthchoice.asp
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/gracious.asp
http://www.birthpsychology.com/violence/odent1.html
http://www.acegraphics.com.au/articles/wagner01.html
http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/otoday4.html
http://www.changesurfer.com/Hlth/homebirth.html

Books:

Immaculate Deception
by Suzanne Arms
Special Delivery by Rahima Baldwin Dancy
Birth at Home by Sheila Kitzinger
The Cultural Warping of Childbirth by Doris Haire
The Home Birth Book by Charlotte and Fred Ward
Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon-Rosegg
Active Birth by Janet Balaskas
Birth Without Violence by Frederick Leboyer
Birth Reborn by Michael Odent
The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:11 AM
 
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I don't have time to read all of the posts, although I read quite a few great ones. I agree that, ideally, you would come to a joint decision, and there are many great books you can read that show how much safer home birth really is (A Good Birth, A Safe Birth and A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth are all you would need). I know people whose DH's were dead set against homebirth until they read stats or met the midwife, and now they are enthusiastic supporters. I saw several posts mentioning very gentle plans for convincing your DH, and I think these will work.

In the end, however, *you* are the one that has to live with the lifelong physical and emotional damage that come from having your baby cut out of your body (ahem, I mean a hospital birth). *You* are the one risking your life by going to a hospital (and having riskier births thereafter because you had a babyectomy). This is not the same as a decision solely about the child's welfare, such as discipline styles or vaccinations. If you have your baby sliced out of your body, your husband will suffer for 2-3 weeks while you recover and he needs to help more with the baby. You and your child will suffer for the rest of your lives.

~Carrie, who obviously suffers the aftereffects of a cesarean section! Please forgive my harshness.
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Old 12-14-2007, 11:01 AM
 
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I would be careful about Bradley. Interview the teacher pretty thoroughly. The Bradley materials (particularly Husband-Coached Childbirth) are anti-homebirth, and the classes are geared heavily towards hospital birthers. I agree w/ the idea of a thorough class that will help him feel prepared. Maybe you can find a homebirth specific class in your area, or a teacher who has modified Bradley somewhat to include homebirth info.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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Old 12-14-2007, 12:06 PM
 
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I would be careful about Bradley. Interview the teacher pretty thoroughly. The Bradley materials (particularly Husband-Coached Childbirth) are anti-homebirth, and the classes are geared heavily towards hospital birthers. I agree w/ the idea of a thorough class that will help him feel prepared. Maybe you can find a homebirth specific class in your area, or a teacher who has modified Bradley somewhat to include homebirth info.

I didn't find that at all, though my instructor did have 3 hwbs and 2 UCs. And "Natural Childbirth the Bradly Way" is most certainly NOT anti-homebirth, though it isn't written by Bradley.

K, looking through my Bradley woorkbook I ddon't see anything anti- homebirth, just a general assumption that you will be going to the hospital.

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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Old 12-14-2007, 12:34 PM
 
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I think everything, even the birth is about compromise. After all I wouldn't even want the man I love and married to be uncomfortable and not enjoy his child. It could lead to a LOT of resentment and unhappiness. Usually Im all for your body your say but when it comes to children I think there always needs to be a compromise.


Well no surprise here, but I disagree.

Just because I may choose a birth that my husband doesn't like, does not mean that I love him less or means that he wouldn't get to enjoy his child.
It means while I can respect my husbands wishes, it is still my body. Its the body that is going to have to birth the baby, its the body thats going to have to get comfortable in the surroundings in order to do the hard work of labor. It's going to be my body that is undergoing the risks and side effects from those decisions also. Not my husbands. At the end of the day, he is going to come out scar and complication free. Will I?

While I do agree that marriage and partnership is about compromise most of the time. I just don't see birth as being amoung them. From the stories here.. there are many women who don't stand their ground in order to make their husbands or families happy. They end up with the resentment. Or with PPD.
Once you have your birth experience, you can't go back and change it.

Someone this thread pointed out that women remember their childrens birthdays much different then the fathers do. It's something that is going to be with us life long.

As much as I adore my partner, I am not willing to put myself on the surgical table because he is uncomfortable. I am not willing to give up what I know is best for the health of me and my unborn, because I want to make him happy.
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Old 12-14-2007, 12:39 PM
 
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If I had to choose between my husband's resentment over a successful home birth and my own over a less than successful, intervention filled hospital birth, I will take the former any day.
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Old 12-14-2007, 12:51 PM
 
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I don't feel I can just say, it's my birth and my body, since we're in this together.
But how is him forcing a decision on you being "in this together"? I just don't understand the double standard. You can't insist on an evidence-based choice, but he can insist on a fear-based choice? Sometimes I wonder if there are any husbands out there posting on internet forums saying, "My wife won't let me have a hospital birth!" Something tells me not.

My advice: (Say it as nicely as you want, but) tell him he doesn't get to be dictator. Tell him he doesn't get to make decisions that affect your body and your child, based in his fear and ignorance. Insist that he prove to you that hospital birth is safer than homebirth. Have him write up a list of specific concerns about homebirth, and address them (or have a midwife address them.) Tell him he must read Henci Goer's books with you and discuss the contents. Etc.
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Old 12-14-2007, 02:30 PM
 
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Personally speaking, if my dh were stongly against HB... that would affect my decision because I know the kind of stress it would cause for our marriage during pregnancy... and I don't know how many times I've read and heard that stress and unresolved emotions/conflicts can negatively affect a woman's labor. For me, not having dh's support would really hamper all my efforts to have a positive experience.

That said, I don't know that I would just bow to having a hospital birth, and I think that I would be pretty upset if my dh threatened to abduct me to a hospital the moment I go into labor. I think that if my dh said anything like that, I would have to bring up the point that his threat was/is just as disrespectful (if not more) as it would be if I unilaterally put my foot down and said, "I'm doing this the way I want and you can't say or do anything about it."

I think I would continue to have conversations with dh. Just keep talking about the research. One thing I might say is that having a baby is one of the most physically and emotionally demanding things a woman will ever do... and that you are really uncomfortable with doing it in a hospital and you think that birthing in a hospital will make the job even more difficult for you. Just keep repeating your discomfort with the idea of a hospital birth and why... make it about your feelings and what your body will be going through. Talk about the things that will make it easier for you to have a good experience and ask him to help you figure out a way to acheive those things.

I don't think you have to or should give in to your dh... but I also think that having dh on board is sooooo important, and I think that if you just put your foot down and say something along the lines of "no vagina, no vote" then he will be just as put off as you are about his threat to abduct you to the hospital... and that could create some really negative vibes surrounding your pregnancy and birth (it would for me, anyway). I think that the benefit of getting husbands/partners on board with the HB idea is so completely worth the effort.

mommy to Christopher 2/29/08
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Old 12-14-2007, 02:45 PM
 
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I dont think it should be the man's final say in any way. But I also dont know that I could have birthed DD1 w/out him supporting me (although after once I knew it was doable on a core level and could have had my baby in the middle of the shopping mall if necessary).

Your OP makes it sound like you are saying 'its just as safe' which he may take as you downplaying the risks of homebirth because its what you want. That is what my DH originally felt as well. But the more we both researched, the more we BOTH realized, completely independent of eachother (I didnt even know he was researching it on his own) that not only was it "as safe" but it was safer, because obstetricians are a type of surgeon and that is where their faith lies, as much as midwives are natural birth facilitators and that is where THEIR faith lies. (we had 2 unassisted births but only because nobody could/would attend us in our area outside of a hospital)
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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maybe you should not only introduce him to the mw, but also introduce him to some moms who regret their hospital births. take him to an ICAN meeting and see what they say. ask on the VBAC forum, or read their stories.
i have met lots of women who regret their hospital births, but i have never met a woman who regrets their homebirth, even those who have to transfer. i have never heard of a woman who says, " next time it will be in a hospital", but there are lots of women who say, "next time it will be at home".
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:46 AM
 
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maybe you should not only introduce him to the mw, but also introduce him to some moms who regret their hospital births. take him to an ICAN meeting and see what they say. ask on the VBAC forum, or read their stories.
AND if possible some MEN that regret their wives hospital births. (They are out there and sometimes a guy has to hear it from a guy's perspective as well for it to sink in.
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Old 12-15-2007, 05:52 PM
 
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I've only skimmed a couple of posts, I may have the wrong impression, but it seems like you are being encouraged to ignore your dp's wishes and feelings about HB and do it without his support... I have to say that I don't agree with that philosophy at all.

To me, the biggest gift I can give my children is a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship with their father. I really really wanted a hb with #2, but dh was dead set against it. After many many discussions, I finally conceded, and we chose a midwife who would deliver in the hospital. It wasn't what I would term ideal, but here was my reasoning:

If (God forbid), something terrible were to happen to the baby durring, before, or immediately after the birth, or even worse, if we were to lose the baby, my husband would be resentful of that. It wouldn't matter if the outcome would have been the same at the hospital - the fact of the matter is that there would be some permenant resentment, something which could potentially end our marriage. That was not a risk I was willing to take.

Looking back, I would have fought harder (but I was comfortable with our MW, and our homebirth options in this area are EXTREMELY limited). I would have continued to present evidence, studies, books etc. I also would have insisted on interviewing midwives to help alleviate his fears. You still have time to work on him, but I personally wouldn't risk our relationship for a homebirth, if I had other options I felt comfortable with.

Regardless of how you go forward, I wish you the best of luck!!!
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Old 12-15-2007, 06:27 PM
 
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I've only skimmed a couple of posts, I may have the wrong impression, but it seems like you are being encouraged to ignore your dp's wishes and feelings about HB and do it without his support... I have to say that I don't agree with that philosophy at all.
It's not about ignoring the partner's concerns, but if there is a disagreement that cannot be resolved, the birther is the final decision maker. Birth affects a woman physically and mental health for the rest of her life! Hospital birth tramas range from "could have been better" to the truely horrific. No other adult, other than a birthing woman, is expected to lay naked, let strangers touch their genitals, and take orders from them.



Whether or not to hb was a tension throughout my second pregnancy. I "compromised" on a birth center because I did not want to do a hb without my dh's support, but I resented him, because it was not a true comprimise; I was under duress. Dh actually asked me if I was going to delay so long I'd have an oops! Dh did agree to a hb at 38 weeks; good thing, because my labor was so quick that dh only arrived 20min before the birth. Once I was in labor you could not have removed me from my house at gun point.



There is no compromise on this issue. The best one can due is provide the evidence and dispel fears.

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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Old 12-15-2007, 06:37 PM
 
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It's not about ignoring the partner's concerns, but if there is a disagreement that cannot be resolved, the birther is the final decision maker. Birth affects a woman physically and mental health for the rest of her life! Hospital birth tramas range from "could have been better" to the truely horrific. No other adult, other than a birthing woman, is expected to lay naked, let strangers touch their genitals, and take orders from them.
Just a big :!!

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Old 12-15-2007, 06:40 PM
 
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If (God forbid), something terrible were to happen to the baby durring, before, or immediately after the birth, or even worse, if we were to lose the baby, my husband would be resentful of that. It wouldn't matter if the outcome would have been the same at the hospital - the fact of the matter is that there would be some permenant resentment, something which could potentially end our marriage. That was not a risk I was willing to take.
But what if the reverse was true? I have a friend, who wnated a homebirth, but her husband wouldn't let her. She ended up with a c-cection and the doctor almost killed her baby. The baby had a fractured scull becase the docter pulled so hard to get her out. She divorced him and is raising her daughter alone. Her little girl has a mild learning disabillity. And she is VERY lucky that she didn't have any worse long term effects. I would never ever forgive my DH if he pushed me into having a hospital birth (HA! like that'll ever happen) and something like that happened.
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Old 12-15-2007, 07:49 PM
 
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I only read half the posts, but I wanted to say I know how you feel. I wanted to have the most natural birth at the hospital as possible, no drugs, etc. But that didn't happen. First, I let my grandma scare me into thinking I was about to have the baby, so I went to the hospital too early. It was over 12 hours after beginning to feel contractions, so I figured I should go. When I got there i was only dilalated to 3, and they wouldn't take me til I was a four, but my doc came and checked me and said I was close enough so I could stay, another mistake i suppose. That was about 12:00am, my sisters house caught on fire the same day and she decided to come to the hospital at about 1:00am and proceeded to sleep on the couch, and dh on the chair, while I was in labor. I acted like a little kid and would not demand that they either get up and help me labor or get out, so I layed in the bed most the night, not sleeping just laying there. My labor was not progressing, my contractions were getting weaker, at 7:00am my dh told the nurse to come and break the water so I could have the baby, so she did. That is when the pain got bad, ds head was turned so I was having backlabor. Also the nurse at night left who seemed really cool with a natural birth, and was replaced with a nurse who would not stop harping me on having an epidural and pitocin to speed it up. I finally gave in around 10:30 had the drugs, I was in tears because I felt like a failure and I was exhausted. Ds was born at 3:30pm. I never want to go through something like that again. More than anything I did not want a c-section and the second nurse convinced me if I didnt have and epidural and get some sleep that , I wouldn't be able to push the baby out. So I listened to her. I still regret it.

I told dh I want a midwife next time and I am 90% sure i want a homebirth, he is not completely for it, but we'll see. He was born at home in india after all. We have some time to decide, and I told him that if we can't come to an agreement then on the hb, I will have it at a birthing center or something. Also, try reading the book immaculate deception, it is a great book about homebirthing. Good luck!

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Old 12-16-2007, 01:13 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Emmeline II;10019670]It's not about ignoring the partner's concerns, but if there is a disagreement that cannot be resolved, the birther is the final decision maker. Birth affects a woman physically and mental health for the rest of her life! Hospital birth tramas range from "could have been better" to the truely horrific. No other adult, other than a birthing woman, is expected to lay naked, let strangers touch their genitals, and take orders from them.


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Originally Posted by mom2mializ View Post

If (God forbid), something terrible were to happen to the baby durring, before, or immediately after the birth, or even worse, if we were to lose the baby, my husband would be resentful of that. It wouldn't matter if the outcome would have been the same at the hospital - the fact of the matter is that there would be some permenant resentment, something which could potentially end our marriage. That was not a risk I was willing to take.

Here is the thing. Things happen in birth. All kinds of birth. At hospital. At home. At birthing centers. It's all a risk. Some are better for some mothers than others, but when it comes down to it at the end of the day. No matter what we do, we are not promised to be 100 percent safe. If people like or not, it is the woman that must make the decision to which risks she is comfortable and which she is not. Sometimes in doing that, she hands the decision to her husband to decide. It is still however, her decision.

When we conceived this baby, my husband and I had a big big discussion about this. He knows no matter where we are, there is a chance of complications. There is no place safe enough, no doctor good enough, no pregnancy that is perfect enough. Birth like life, is full of surprise. Some we can control and other ones we can not. This includes doctors and midwives. All we can do is prepare for the things that we can handle, and what we will do about the things that we can not.
It's a very scary thing to think about it, but it's a real risk. You can see that by some of the birth stories posted here.

All that we can do is make the decisions that we feel are best for us and our children. If my husband was willing to penalize me because of a tragedy, he wouldn't be my husband and I would sure as not want to be his wife.
I would hope that any man that would want to do that to his wife, would seek counseling to help deal with the shared grief .

We can only know all the risks that are out infront of us, and make the best decision we can with the knowledge we've gotten our hands on. No one can ask for anything more than that.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:39 AM
 
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I know how you feel. My bf and I are not even engaged but everytime the topic comes up he says something like, "We're never doing that."
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:42 AM
 
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LOL!!! Really?? Whose home? Hospital-acquired infections are vastly underreported, but even those reported are 2 million per year, causing 90,000 deaths. One reason I quit doula-ing is I can't go to the hospital without picking up some sickness while I'm there. They are nasty, supergerm infested places. Your body is accustomed to the germs in your home; you have a symbiotic relationship with them. Hospital germs are antibiotic resistant, strange germs that your body (and that of your tiny newborn) will have a much harder time fighting.
I've never heard of getting a staph infection at home! THe definition I heard actally was something like, "An infection acquired in a hospital" lol
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Old 12-30-2007, 01:03 AM
 
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To me, the biggest gift I can give my children is a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship with their father. I really really wanted a hb with #2, but dh was dead set against it. After many many discussions, I finally conceded, and we chose a midwife who would deliver in the hospital. It wasn't what I would term ideal, but here was my reasoning:

If (God forbid), something terrible were to happen to the baby durring, before, or immediately after the birth, or even worse, if we were to lose the baby, my husband would be resentful of that. It wouldn't matter if the outcome would have been the same at the hospital - the fact of the matter is that there would be some permenant resentment, something which could potentially end our marriage. That was not a risk I was willing to take.
I agree. If something were to go wrong, I wouldn't want him to resent me.
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Old 12-30-2007, 02:10 AM
 
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Also, when you become pregnant find a midwife you like and urge him to come to appointments with questions.
It won't be easy to find a midwife willing to take on a client for a homebirth whose partner is against it. Yes, find a midwife you like and get all of you together to ask questions and address concerns, but don't expect one to take you on without your partner's consent.
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Old 12-30-2007, 03:06 AM
 
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I admitt I haven't read all the posts.

But I wanted to say. DH was totaly against my HBA2C and I educated him and then made an appt. w/ a MW. After sitting and talking w/ her he realized I would be getting better care and that she has it together. It's not like if something goes wrong it all of a suden is very bad and nothing can be done KWIM? She has series of plans and backup plans.

DH gave in too after looking at me one day and saying. "If you don't have a homebirth you're just going to labor on your own and not go to the hospital aren't you?" I said YUP! and he agreed that he would feel more comfortable w/ a MW than a UC...

Do some research, I bet you could interview MW's before TTC and they could tell you how to prepare your body beforehand for a wonderful pregnancy!!
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Old 12-30-2007, 02:52 PM
 
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I agree. If something were to go wrong, I wouldn't want him to resent me.
But, if something went wrong because you were at the hospital, wouldn't you resent him just as much? I know I would.



Regardless, ultimately it *is* the mother's choice where to birth. There is no "let" here. My mother/health care provider/husband doesn't "let" me birth anywhere. As a woman, I may decide that it is more important that my partner be comfortable with where I'm birthing than that I birth at home, but it is still MY decision.

At the very least, though, the OP's husband needs to explain WHY he is against homebirth and SUPPORT those claims so they can have a dialog about it. "It's not safe" isn't good enough.

"I'm scared of it and have tried to get past it and can't, please don't do this" MIGHT be good enough.
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Old 12-30-2007, 03:06 PM
 
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These deserve to be said again (bolding mine):

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Originally Posted by Emmeline II View Post
It's not about ignoring the partner's concerns, but if there is a disagreement that cannot be resolved, the birther is the final decision maker. Birth affects a woman physically and mental health for the rest of her life! Hospital birth tramas range from "could have been better" to the truely horrific. No other adult, other than a birthing woman, is expected to lay naked, let strangers touch their genitals, and take orders from them.
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Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds View Post
My advice: (Say it as nicely as you want, but) tell him he doesn't get to be dictator. Tell him he doesn't get to make decisions that affect your body and your child, based in his fear and ignorance. Insist that he prove to you that hospital birth is safer than homebirth. Have him write up a list of specific concerns about homebirth, and address them (or have a midwife address them.) Tell him he must read Henci Goer's books with you and discuss the contents. Etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
he has a responsibility to look into his fears and work through them. if he is unwilling to do this, i see no way how you are truly "in this together" since he's not doing a thing (that is, he's not willing to work on his stuff to come to a partnership decision).

if he can work through his fears, learn about homebirth vs hospital birth, and then present a well reasoned (logical and emotional) argument for a hospital birth, then consider it.
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Old 12-30-2007, 03:41 PM
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"If something were to go wrong." (I know he's thinking death, but what about this...)

When 1/3 of all hospital births end in c/s... there are lots more chances something will "go wrong" (in THEIR determination, not necessarily TRUE emergency/issue) at a hospital and end you in a c/s and/or have complications FROM the c/s. When the rate of c/s for homebirthers is around/less than 2% - seeeeems like, there are a lot more (LOTS MORE) issues with hospital birthing.

Not sure of the death rates, but seriously, aren't you a lot more likely to die in a hospital than at home?

*IF* things were *going wrong* the MW would know in PLENTY of time to get you transported to a medical center. The MW is going to look for *signs* for things that might be out of her scope in a true medical emergency.

My HBMW had a 2.2% c/s rate and she's never had a maternal or infant death. She's never had to transport *in a hurry*, it's been a well thought out plan, taking time, not rushing, not driving 100 mph.

Hang in there. You aren't pregnant yet. Lots of men start out feeling similarly to your honey. Lots of men become homebirthing advocates despite their initial thoughts/reactions to homebirth.

My hubby loved our FSBC birth but he was a little weary about the HB. Once we met our HBMW, he was fully on board. He will NEVER choose to birth one of our children in a medical setting. Our homebirth was beautiful (and fast!) and perfect and wonderful. I wish the same for you!

-zak- Mama to three fantastic sons - 2005, 2007 & 2010 and expecting a daughter February 2012!

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