Dp won't let me have a hb!!! - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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#91 of 104 Old 12-31-2007, 01:03 AM
 
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[QUOTE=Moonlitnight;9985952]Hmm...good idea. Anyone ever seen "Birth Joy and Rasberry Leaves?" That's a good one but a little extreme for me in its ideas

Perhaps that's a good route to take, though - you and he both watch & read about birth choices that are extremely radical to you - all of a sudden a midwife attended hb sounds pretty normal....

And I kinda got bashed (bashed is a bad word, everyone has been respectful!) and I agree that things can go wrong in the hospital in the car in a birth center WHEREVER. not just can, but do. I also agree that if NO POSSIBLE SOLUTION can be come to, OF COURSE mama gets an extra vote - but this child is his too, and if there's any possibility of coming to a decision where everyone is happy, wouldn't it be worth the long talks/arguments and hours and hours spent pouring over books internet and videos?

We all make the decisions that we feel are best at the time in our particular situation for ourselves and our children...
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#92 of 104 Old 12-31-2007, 05:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl View Post
I would be careful about Bradley. Interview the teacher pretty thoroughly. The Bradley materials (particularly Husband-Coached Childbirth) are anti-homebirth, and the classes are geared heavily towards hospital birthers. I agree w/ the idea of a thorough class that will help him feel prepared. Maybe you can find a homebirth specific class in your area, or a teacher who has modified Bradley somewhat to include homebirth info.

Not my Bradley classes! I have a 75% switch rate. Come to my class with an OB and 75% of the time I will have you to at least a birth center with midwife by the end of the 12 weeks. And I always have at least one home birther in the class and even have taught unassisted couples. But, I agree you want to thoroughly interview. We have one in our area that still reads from the teachers manual after over 15 years teaching and tells people that if they write a birth plan for the hospital it will be honored (as if...).
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#93 of 104 Old 12-31-2007, 05:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Auntie_Aya View Post
I know how you feel. My bf and I are not even engaged but everytime the topic comes up he says something like, "We're never doing that."
My response would be "we are never getting married..."
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#94 of 104 Old 12-31-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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I have skimmed some of the posts, not read them all. I do think that a partner has a legitimate voice and say in the process but not veto rights. My opinion is you BOTH need to read the academic studies -- links have already been provided. Dr. Sears and Penny Simkin outline some risks of homebirth in their books -- which IMO are easily addressed and remedied -- take a look at those and determine if you can remedy them. Which I am sure you can. Once you have both read all the literature and discussed it based on facts (not assumptions and misconceptions), I think you need to go from there. I cannot imagine him still being against HB once he has read all the literature, but if he is still against it, then what about a compromise?

An alternative birthing center if they exist in your area. If not, find a good careprovider, preferably a midwife. Interview them, ask them scenario questions (i.e. do you have a time limit for pushing, what do you do with posterior positioned labors, etc., etc.). Read everything you can on natural birth, see a chiropractor, prepare for a natural birth, hire a doula, choose your hospital carefully. There are good hopsitals and careproviders out there. I birthed two posterior positioned babies in hospitals, with very long labors -- pushing over 4 hours each time with no vacuum, no forceps, no c-section, no episitomy -- the right careproviders do exist --BUT IT IS HARD WORK FINDING THEM. And you do need to do your work to find them.

So my opinion -- educate both of you. If he is truly a dear partner he will not contest to reading the literature (if he does I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions). If he still has issues at that point, then decide if you are willing to compromise and do your work to ensure that you will have the labor you want.
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#95 of 104 Old 12-31-2007, 08:55 PM
 
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An alternative birthing center if they exist in your area. If not, find a good careprovider, preferably a midwife. Interview them, ask them scenario questions (i.e. do you have a time limit for pushing, what do you do with posterior positioned labors, etc., etc.).
if you did decide to go with a hospital birth, i would ask to talk to some of the providers past patients/mothers. there are lots of providers who will say they don't do x,y,z btu then do it when you are in labor or before. check out the recent posts about episiotomies if you don't beleive me. there were lots of posts from women whose ob said they don't do epis who sure enough did them when the women were in labor.
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#96 of 104 Old 12-31-2007, 11:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Moonlitnight View Post
Any other suggestions?
Tell him that if you can't give birth at home, you'll eat your placenta in the hospital, in front of the nurses? :

Or that you'll smuggle out the placenta and slip bits of it into his food for months? :

Seriously, though, how about meeting with a mw and with some other (otherwise mainstream) real live mamas with real live babies who have given birth at home? Or other dads?

Rebecca, mama to M (08/06) and E (04/09)
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#97 of 104 Old 01-01-2008, 01:25 PM
 
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here's a link to a blog with a few really good articles/stories that may help him. http://www.nowombpods.blogspot.com/ (it was mon dec 31st entry)

i'm glad to see the staph at home comment addressed, any germs in your home, you have built antibodies against, and you will pass those antibodies to your child through breast milk. hospitals are for sick people, and there are a LOT of nasty germs there!

i agree with the idea of having him see the business of being born, it really helped one of my friend's dp to see it, understand a little more, and it's not too graphic either.

g/l
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#98 of 104 Old 01-02-2008, 03:06 PM
 
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My DH was afraid of my desire to Homebirth, and we had had a previous caesarian, too. But I knew, having run the hospital gamut before, that I wasn't going to a hospital unless I were in need of urgent lifesaving, because I felt pretty sure that the prospects of a successful VBAC in a hospital were bleak, especially with the attitude the only "pro-VBAC" OB in my area had. Very fearful attitude.
As the pregnancy progressed, my certainty that I was having this baby at home increased. I felt like I would rather chew off my own foot than go to the hospital unless there was a NEED to be in the hospital, and the simple act of giving birth didn't qualify, in my opinion. Long story short, I hired a country midwife (NOT a CNM, or "Medwife", whose views of birthing are too often identical to OB's) who had 30+ years of experience including many VBACs. She said VBAC is just like any other birth, so long as you don't stress out the mother in labor or do anything chemical to her, to speed up labor or make it come too hard and fast (such as Pitocin). So we had the Homebirth After Caesarian, with a 10 lb. 2 oz. boy, with a nuchal hand (arm coming out alongside his head). No problems, no complications, only 1st degree tearing. As for DH, he would have been scared whether we were in the hospital or at home, but he really didn't have a choice in the matter. Not to be harsh, but his feelings mattered to me, but the bottom line was, I had to birth where I felt comfortable.
The books available on the subject of why hospitals aren't nearly as safe for normal births as home, did help. Let's see, they were Silent Knife by Nancy Wainer Cohen, and a couple of others about homebirths, and one about VBACs in particular.
Good luck to you in getting the information to hopefully help your partner get behind you in your choice, but if he can't, I would say it's still the most important decision you'll ever make about your own body, and it would be a darn shame to let anyone else make it for you.
Good luck!

And go check out www.hencigoer.com if you haven't already!

Urban Homesteader, secular homeschooler, HBACer, sewing cloth maxipads, reading Diana Gabaldon, (rhymes with 'cobblestone') hoping for a Star Trek future rather than a Firefly one.
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#99 of 104 Old 01-02-2008, 03:12 PM
 
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LOL! Neat that you brought up the placenta! I should ask how many others here have eaten it... I did, frozen and raw, blended up with Spicy V-8, and have to say, I would do it again, and recommend it to anyone looking to avoid mood swings, crying spells, and exhaustion after childbirth. It was amazing how effective it was as an "upper"! I still have the last chunk, frozen, saving it for some future mood swing emergency. Wish I had done it with DD, but glad I tried it with DS!

Urban Homesteader, secular homeschooler, HBACer, sewing cloth maxipads, reading Diana Gabaldon, (rhymes with 'cobblestone') hoping for a Star Trek future rather than a Firefly one.
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#100 of 104 Old 01-02-2008, 07:14 PM
 
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My dh was very much against a homebirth, and he only had a vague, irrational fear as his reasoning. However, neither of us is the ultimatum type. I just can't imagine him issuing a threat/ultimatum about what was going to happen with my body.

I just made up my mind that I was going to have a homebirth, and started talking about it as if it was a foregone conclusion. I would say it in a teasing, light-hearted way (this was before we were even ttc), "Hey, listen to this statisitc... boy I'm glad we'll be able to avoid that at our next homebirth!"

I never told him that his input didn't matter or came out and said we were doing this whether he liked it or not. I respected his feelings and listened while he voiced them. But I also insisted that he had to do some reading/research and be willing to interview midwives with me. A birth center was not an option for us (nearest is 1.5 hours away, and my first birth was quick).

He agreed before we got to the interviewing stage, because he saw I was determined and frankly the research was too much work for him. After the mw interview, he felt much better about it. Yes, he was still scared, but he was scared at the hospital, too. We can't make our decisions based on fear.

Now he is a huge hb advocate.

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#101 of 104 Old 01-02-2008, 08:09 PM
 
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I am hoping this is the case with DH. He still fears childbirth even with the previous 2 when we were in the hospital. So I am hoping that he will overcome these fears while we are doing this.

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#102 of 104 Old 01-03-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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Actually, dh is still afraid of the whole process. Hell, it still makes him nervous to hold a newborn, even though he held his own 2 all the time. He would be afraid no matter where we were birthing. vBut he recognizes that his fear is not rational or the basis for making decisions.

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#103 of 104 Old 01-04-2008, 12:00 AM
 
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Just wanted to chime in with this awesome list of studies/research on the safety of home births:

http://www.gentlebirth.org/ronnie/homesafe.html

There are summaries of the articles (in case you don't want to read the entire things) and lots of links.

Best of luck to you, OP!

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#104 of 104 Old 01-04-2008, 05:51 AM
 
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My DH was also against a homebirth initially, like most people are, because of the way we've been conditioned that healthy births take place in hospitals.
We read The Thinking Woman's Guide, we had long chats with the midwife- and now he's on board.
What helped very much to alleviate his fears about my safety was to make it clear that I wasn't compromising. It's not what I would LIKE to emphasize, but for every statement about how hospitals are awful for giving routine pit, epidural, episiotomy etc. I would say something like, "Of course if I went into labor early I would go to a hospital!" or "Thank G-d they can do c-sections to save a baby's life." He felt reassured that I wasn't taking any risks in HBing.
He still makes fun of extreme 'crunchy-mamas' but he really is pro-homebirth, co-sleeping etc.

Good Luck, and please fight for it! You don't want to be the 1/3 who ends up on a surgery table to have a baby!
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