Dp won't let me have a hb!!! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dp thinks it's too dangerous to hb and absolutely won't budge! He says it's an unnecessary risk even though I've explained to him that it's just as safe as a hospital birth! We're not pregnant right now, but how can we ttc if we can't agree on where to have the birth? He insists on a hospital! I don't want to give birth in an un familiar environment!
My sister was kicked out of the hospital during her first labor because she refuse to have her membranes ruptured!
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#2 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:22 PM
 
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My husband is also very much against a home birth. BUT I have a wonderful hospital to go to instead. It only has 2 maternity rooms and I am usually the only one in there, they let you do pretty much what you want--natural stuff, and really respect your wishes on the birth plan pretty well. I was able to shower, walk, for most of the time while laboring my last baby. I had skin to skin time and breastfeeding time before almost anything else, I think! My doctor really works with me well when it comes to natural stuff.
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#3 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:27 PM
 
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Before I knew that my partner was going to be supportive, this is what I had prepared.

1. It is your right as the one who will be carrying the baby to determine for yourself where you want to birth.

2. If he really thinks that a hospital birth is safer then he needs to produce evidence. In turn, you should have your evidence.

3. It's not his place to allow or not allow where you will birth. If he doesn't budge, don't tell him that you're in labor and have the baby when he's not looking.

Good Luck.
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#4 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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3. It's not his place to allow or not allow where you will birth. If he doesn't budge, don't tell him that you're in labor and have the baby when he's not looking.
I like that!
dp:*bang bang* What have you been doing in the bathroom for 6 hours?
Me: Go away! i'm taking a bath!
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#5 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:34 PM
 
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Honestly, it's not DP's choice. I know that may sound harsh, my DH was against homebirth when I told him that it was what I wanted to do with our daughter but after much talk I just told him " I'm sorry this is what I really want and this is what I am going to do." We had a really bad hospital experience with our first so knew my fears of another hospital birth and I think that's kinda what made him realize that I didn't want to potentially put myself and baby through all that again. He was not really happy with me but after DD was born at home, he couldn't sing the praises of homebirth loud enough. He loved it and was so happy with the experience.

My only advice would be to come up with a back up plan together, let DP voice concerns and how they would specifically be dealt with, that might help ease any fears.
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#6 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:36 PM
 
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Your birth and your choice. If he expects to change things he needs to change YOUR mind rather than the other way around. Just because it is a cultural norm doesn't make it right!! Start the conversation now (as it sounds like you are) and let him know your plans and that you are open to any info he has for you and that you would be happy to provide info for him as well. I understand respecting your husband and his fears/thoughts/ect but it is a very different thing to bow down and subject yourself to a hospital birth because he won't do his research!! Good luck and stay strong in planning YOUR birth.

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#7 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:39 PM
 
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I am willing to bet that many people who are reluctant about home birth can be swayed.

If you aren't even pregnant yet then everything is still in the abstract. Give him a chance to voice his concerns but come to that conversation prepared to address each one. Do you have a copy of A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? That will help.

Also, when you become pregnant find a midwife you like and urge him to come to appointments with questions. He might feel better talking to a professional with lots of experience and knowledge, who had attended home births AND who has had to deal with hospital transfers as well.
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#8 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He's terrified that something will go wrong. He says it's not worth losing my life over. He's being ridiculous.

But I know he's serious and that if I go into labor, he will physically bring me to the hospital against my will. Usually he's not forceful at all but he's so afraid of something going wrong!:
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#9 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Moonlitnight View Post
He's terrified that something will go wrong. He says it's not worth losing my life over. He's being ridiculous.

But I know he's serious and that if I go into labor, he will physically bring me to the hospital against my will. Usually he's not forceful at all but he's so afraid of something going wrong!:
You'd better hire one of the larger midwives then.

Can I ask where you live?
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#10 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I live in Minnesota:
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#11 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:42 PM
 
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He insists on a hospital!

Then insist he get a vagina.
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#12 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:43 PM
 
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Your body, your birth, your choice.

Dawn, mama to D (3.06) & N (9.07) C (11.09) & Still-in-shock surprise due in Aug!
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#13 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Moonlitnight View Post
He's terrified that something will go wrong. He says it's not worth losing my life over. He's being ridiculous.

But I know he's serious and that if I go into labor, he will physically bring me to the hospital against my will. Usually he's not forceful at all but he's so afraid of something going wrong!:

This is exactly why he needs to tell you exactly what he is afraid will happen and you/mw can tell him how it will be handled. Is he afraid of you hemmoraging? Is he afraid you will get dehydrated, need oxygen? Midwives are capable of dealing with all these things and more. Plus a midwife has certain requirements that a mom must meet before she will let her birth at home if MW thinks it's too risky she will send mom to the hospital.
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#14 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:45 PM
 
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Then insist he get a vagina.

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#15 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, he did say he was afraid of hemorhaging (sorry I can't spell), but I told him midwives could deal with it. Most of his fears are intangible, I think. It's almost like a phobia.
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#16 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:48 PM
 
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I live in Minnesota:
Are you near Duluth?
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#17 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Are you near Duluth?
No, it's not quite that cold lol.
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#18 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 10:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I live near the twin cities.
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#19 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=elspethshimon;9985408]You'd better hire one of the larger midwives then.

QUOTE]

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#20 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:11 PM
 
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I'd mention the MRSA and staph infections in hospitals.

If he thinks he can drag a woman in full labor to a hospital, let alone ANYWHERE, he could be in for a big surprise!

fambedsingle2.gifnovaxnocirc.gifHappy to be a mommy and teacher to D fencing.gif, born 1-17-06 via waterbirth.jpg  and A  blahblah.gif, born 10-6-08 with a homebirth.jpghomeschool.gif

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#21 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:25 PM
 
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My husband was dead set against natural anything is DD. He didn't even like the idea of me waiting for a while before going to the hospital. To give him credit though, I have asthma and pregnancy agrivated it so his fears were not unfounded. I respected his wishes for the most part since he is the father and my husband. I love him and wanted to make sure he was comfortable as well. I didn't go to the hospital until I was 8 centimeters dialated and I was there four hours before DD was born.

However, after DD's birth when he saw how crapy a hospitals treat you during and after the birth was he is all for having our next at home. He actually sugested it the other day. I would have you both sit down and look at it, especially since it takes two to make a baby and Im sure you want him there when its born.

I guess Im different but I thought of the birth as an experience and an importance to both of us. It wasn't just my birth, it was his too. Its his child as well as mine and to me that means he has some say in it. I know that its not a popular opinion but thats mine.

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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#22 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'd mention the MRSA and staph infections in hospitals.
His response: "You can get staph infections at home!
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#23 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess Im different but I thought of the birth as an experience and an importance to both of us. It wasn't just my birth, it was his too. Its his child as well as mine and to me that means he has some say in it. I know that its not a popular opinion but thats mine.
I agree- I don't feel I can just say, it's my birth and my body, since we're in this together.
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#24 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:36 PM
 
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how about watching some homebirth videos online? maybe that will help his fear?

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#25 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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how about renting some videos or watching some online? maybe that will help his fear?
Hmm...good idea. Anyone ever seen "Birth Joy and Rasberry Leaves?" That's a good one but a little extreme for me in its ideas

Ahem-back to the original topic...(I get sidetracked easily )
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#26 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:41 PM
 
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Well, he did say he was afraid of hemorhaging (sorry I can't spell), but I told him midwives could deal with it. Most of his fears are intangible, I think. It's almost like a phobia.
I had a postpartum hemmorhage and my midwife dealt with it just fine. See? I'm not dead.
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#27 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I had a postpartum hemmorhage and my midwife dealt with it just fine. See? I'm not dead.
What did she do?
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#28 of 104 Old 12-11-2007, 11:56 PM
 
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She gave me an anti-hemmorhage tincture. She also had Pitocin on hand in case that didn't work, but the tincture worked fine.
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#29 of 104 Old 12-12-2007, 12:05 AM
 
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I told my dh, "If I have to birth this baby in the woods by myself, then so be it. I WILL NOT birth in a hospital ever again." I was crying and distressed.

I got my way. (I was not crying fake tears, just in case you were wondering! )

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#30 of 104 Old 12-12-2007, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I told my dh, "If I have to birth this baby in the woods by myself, then so be it. I WILL NOT birth in a hospital ever again." I was crying and distressed.

I got my way. (I was not crying fake tears, just in case you were wondering! )
I have heard alot more hospital horror stories than hb stories!
*In fact, I've only heard one hb horror story in my life, and it wasn't that bad!
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