Anyone regret their homebirth? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 121 Old 02-12-2008, 09:04 PM
 
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No regrets.

Lola , loving my DH, Mama to & we &
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#92 of 121 Old 02-12-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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Anyone else now terrified of doing a HB? I thought I had dealt with the trauma and fear of my last birth -- but boy has this thread brought it all back.
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#93 of 121 Old 02-13-2008, 12:35 AM
 
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Nope. It was the most (and first?) incredible, intense experience of my life.

Somehow I knew years before I ever planned on getting pregnant that I wanted a homebirth.

Interestingly enough, that is question I get the most when people hear I gave birth to my daughter at home: "Would you do it again?". (Of course!)
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#94 of 121 Old 02-13-2008, 01:28 AM
 
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I did not regret having a homebirth. But I know that there were inherent aspects of BIRTH that I was unprepared for and felt kind of traumatized by. For example, I had a rather disturbing delivery with my first (I expected it to be peaceful) but my baby had big shoulders and became slightly stuck, so the midwives had to shove me backwards and push on my belly while pulling him out. It was shocking, he was born blue (but pinked up immediately) so it was quite frightening and my husband was pretty shaken (he thought the baby was dead when it was blue). But obviously that would have happened in the hospital as well. So it did not have anything to do with homebirth, but was my first birth scary? Yes. The second birth was an almost identical scenario (my boys are BIG and I am rather small). But that time I was more prepared for the frightening possibilities and felt very comfortable. Another complication, the second time, my placenta was stuck to scar tissue and had to be manually removed. OUCH does not describe that, so yes if I were in a hospital I would have had pain relief for that perhaps. I also hemmoraged, but of course they were CNM, so they were prepared for everything and did a fantastic job handling all of my crisises!! So let me say, that if I were in a hospital both babies would have been required to be delivered by c-section since the births lasted 32 hours and 28 hours after my water broke respectively. So of course I LLLLLOOOOOVED the homebirth. But I just wanted to mention that birth can still be scary and wild whereever you are!

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#95 of 121 Old 02-13-2008, 11:51 AM
 
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I'm afraid just of the birth itself, that's how i am about anything. but after having 3hb's i really look forward to it. all of my births, once i could push, werejust joyful. if i had to be transferred, then i'd be scared, i just don't trust hospital care with the safety of my baby. but my mw's...i know that they'l listen to me and make executive decisions if i am uncertain.
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#96 of 121 Old 02-13-2008, 10:03 PM
 
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Both my hospital birth and homebirth were equally, intensely painful. The pain was far easier to manage at home. While my hospital birth left me feeling somewhat traumatized, my homebirth left me feeling like the queen of the world. I have no regrets at all.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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#97 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 12:51 AM
 
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I like to say that the risks of homebirth are the risks of birth, and similarly, the fears of homebirth are the fears of birth, for those of us who know the truth that this is a safe (arguably the safest) way for most babies to be born. Those fears, or a history of trauma, can be (though don't need to be) an indication for a hospital birth, where access to strong pain medication is available. But of course, we all also know that there have been many, many people who were traumatized by birth because of the nature of hospitals.
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#98 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 05:19 AM
 
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I have some regrets about my expectations. I had read Spiritual Midwifery By Ina May Gaskin since I was 16 years old, and her theories, ideas and ideals were the only birth information I'd ever absorbed, so I was totally indoctrinated to the idea that birth only hurts if you have a poor attitude.

I spent a bunch of my labor trying to adjust my thinking and freaking out because of the pain. My beautiful midwives pulled me through, and helped me cope with the contractions. There was pain, but I made it. I am a transformed person because I was baptised by the pain of childbirth.

I've re-read Spiritual Midwifery with very different eyes. Some of the views in the book suddenly seem "preachy" and very judgemental. So I had to mourn the loss of my midwifery hero, as she let me down in a way?

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#99 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 06:56 AM
 
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I don't regret my homebirth. If I ever have another child it will be at home. However, I do regret that I chose the midwife I did. How she treated me during prenatals was a night and day difference to the way she treated me and my family during labor but I did have a feeling in my gut that she wasn't right for us.

If/when I homebirth again, I will make sure I have someone who will not cause me emotional and physical harm. I will find someone who has compassion and will not abandon me postpartum. I will find someone who will respect my right to refuse having my cervix stretched repeatedly and someone who wont have me push before I am ready. I will find a midwife who will not tell me I can't try to breastfeed my child ( my son was born with a cleft lip and palate). I will speak up if need be and I will find someone I can trust and who can actually grasp that I am a sexual abuse survivor and privacy and modesty is important to me. I will find someone who will not get mad or be offended when her suggestions for positions are uncomfortable. I guess what I am saying is that if I ever have anything in my gut telling me that my care provider is not what I need, I will not be afraid to change providers.

Although I had my homebirth it was traumatic in many ways, but my sons BIRTH felt like a separate event from all of the junk that happened with the midwife. I do not regret giving birth to him at home and I am very pro midwifery because I know most midwives are not like the one I had.

My only other regrets are having so many people there (mom, sister and grandmother) and the fact that we didn't have someone taking pictures. I really wanted some beautiful black and whites. But the actual birth of my son was incredible and I am so thankful that despite everything I didn't have him anywhere else.


Sorry for my long post.
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#100 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 10:59 AM
 
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I like to say that the risks of homebirth are the risks of birth, and similarly, the fears of homebirth are the fears of birth, for those of us who know the truth that this is a safe (arguably the safest) way for most babies to be born.


I think that it speaks volumes that my first birth was a hospital transport where I was treated with nothing but respect. My wishes were followed without question, my doctor and nurses were supportive, everyone was friendly and wonderful, my epidural made the final stretch completely pain free, and I suffered no complications or set backs--yet for number two, I still chose homebirth. And for number three, despite the intensity and scariness of my recent experience--which needs to be worked through--we will most likely choose homebirth again.

I think you are right on when you say that the fear of homebirth is the fear of birth, because homebirth IS birth in its purest form: no interventions, no medication, nothing--just you and the baby you are bringing forth. And birth is such a hugely powerful force that I think it is very normal to be afraid of it.

mommy to ds 11/05, dd1 01/08, and dd2 01/10!
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#101 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 11:07 AM
 
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There was pain, but I made it. I am a transformed person because I was baptised by the pain of childbirth.
I love this quote, and I am going to think of it often as I come to terms with my own feelings about homebirth and my experience with a short, unmedicated labor. Thank you!!

mommy to ds 11/05, dd1 01/08, and dd2 01/10!
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#102 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 01:03 PM
 
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I love this quote, and I am going to think of it often as I come to terms with my own feelings about homebirth and my experience with a short, unmedicated labor. Thank you!!
thanks! It's how I feel, and it has helped me come to terms with my long unmedicated labor ! I believe that we are baptised through pain, into the world of motherhood. No matter how you give birth there is some pain, whether it's a c-section, medicated or unmedicated, and that pain makes us treasure and protect our precious babes more...

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
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#103 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 03:33 PM
 
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After having 2 homebirths & knowing what I know now, I do regret having my first 2 in the hospital though. Nothing traumatic happened, just pretty typical hospital births, (you know, pitocin, epidurals, i.v's, continuous fetal monitoring, etc..) but there was just no comparison to my homebirths, such a night & day difference. I couldn't imagine ever giving birth in a hospital again, seems like such a odd place to give birth to me know
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#104 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 05:20 PM
 
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No, no, no & no. I've had all four of my kids at home - each experience was quiet different from the one before. My first felt long (really it wasn't except that I pushed for 4 hours which was horrendous for me) but good and I felt like being home saved me from a c-section or at the least an assisted vaginal birth, neither of which I would have been happy about. My second was precipitous and ended up being an unexpected UC - that took me some time to process b/c the pain was so intense, especially crowning. My 3rd was baby A of my twins and was again precipitous (41 min) but strangely wasn't nearly as painful as my prior birth (which had been 90 min) and then my 4th was baby B and was full blown back labor (yeouch!). Baby B's birth was followed by pp hemmorage which my mw was able to handle - no transfer was necessary. I feel so strongly that I had better experiences at home than I would have had in the hospital for each of these births, despite the pain which may have been avoided with meds. But I AM a lover of natural birth. I find it thrilling. Call me strange! I feel so bad for any mama that has a birth experience, regardless of location, that she feels bad about or suffers from. I wish there was a way to keep that from happening. I feel that birth at home will most likely lead to the least regrets for most women, but certainly not all.

Mama to four remarkable kiddos, all born at home.
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#105 of 121 Old 02-14-2008, 11:14 PM
 
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I am a transformed person because I was baptised by the pain of childbirth.
That is the goddess view of childbirth and baptism. Lovely! :

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#106 of 121 Old 02-15-2008, 01:58 AM
 
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My only "regret" in birthing is that we didn't stay home for the first...it was a FSBC birth, perfect at the time, but in hindsight, I wish we'd stayed put...

I can't imagine ever birthing outside of my home again...

Midwife and mama in the Valley of the Sun
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#107 of 121 Old 02-15-2008, 02:10 PM
 
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Be prepared....this will be a long and rambly post! The short answer is no, I do not regret my homebirths in the slightest. I studied about birth years before I got married or pregnant. I read Gentle Birth Choices when I was 20, and knew I wanted a homebirth. When it came down to it though, I gave in to my husband's wishes and had a hospital birth. That is something I will feel guilty about and regret for the rest of my life. The hospital birth was horrid and traumatic. I felt betrayed by people I had trusted. Dh and I nearly divorced over the trauma of that birth. My daughter's entrance into this world was traumatic and terrifying for her, and I will never be able to let go of the guilt from that. She deserved better, and it was my job as her mother to do my best to see that she got it. I can't really think about it too often because it still breaks my heart.

Apparently I am a slow learner because I had number 2 at the hospital as well. I knew dh wasn't on board with homebirth, so I gave in again. This time I had an amazing doula and a great midwife. By most accounts, I had a great hospital birth. My son got stuck coming out, but the midwife handled the situation beautifully and got him out quickly. He needed some oxygen to pink up, but overall it was a good birth. I still have guilt about having him in the hospital though. So many things could have gone so wrong so fast. I knew better, but I still chose the hospital route. I'm grateful that things went so well.

With number 3, I told dh that he didn't have a choice - I was having a homebirth (should have done that with #1). That birth was about as close to perfect as you can get. It was my longest labor at around 9 hours. She needed a small amount of suctioning, but nothing else. The birth was amazing and healing. It was peaceful (although not pain free) and empowering. Even with this almost perfect birth - that is not the reason I tell people that I would homebirth. #4 is the reason I tell people I would never go back to a hospital unless I had to.

#4 was a six hour and 17 minute fast and furious labor. My son was born posterior. It was very painful - the worst of the four. I expected that by the time #4 came around, I'd be an old pro! My midwife (who is absolutely wonderful) was very hands off for the labor. When I was pushing, she wanted to check me because she knew something wasn't right, but trusted me when I said no. I could feel that it was going to be okay, and I had the freedom to do what I needed to get my baby out. I would never had been able to do all the movement that I needed to do in the hospital. When he finally came out, and he was posterior, my midwife told me that's why my labor and pushing had been so different. I would never have been able to have my son without interventions at a hospital - never, never, never. I am so incredibly grateful that he was born at home. What I didn't expect was the time I needed to process after his birth. I assumed that I should be fine since I'd made an educated choice on his birth. I assumed I should only feel grateful that he'd been born at home. While I did feel grateful, I also felt a bit betrayed by my body. The birth was fairly traumatic and once I allowed myself time to process that and even grieve for the "perfect birth" that I didn't have, I was able to heal. Do I regret that he was born at home? Oh my god no. I think the fact that he was born at home which allowed us to have an intervention free and peaceful (for him) birth is what made it possible for me to heal from his birth. Whereas eight and a half years after my daughter's hospital birth, I still can't talk about it much or even think about because it is too painful.
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#108 of 121 Old 02-15-2008, 07:22 PM
 
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That is the goddess view of childbirth and baptism. Lovely! :
Are there any books I could read that would expand on this? This is very much how I feel.

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
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#109 of 121 Old 02-15-2008, 08:20 PM
 
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Nope, didn't regret it. I tore badly, though, and needed transport (we don't have a car so we called an ambulance) and when I saw the paramedics' reaction I felt kind of irresponsible, but when we would tell people at the hospital that DS was born at home, everyone thought it was really cool, or at least different. But no, I don't regret it, even if that did happen, because I know it would've been a lot worse if I didn't have a waterbirth. That was so much easier for me.
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#110 of 121 Old 02-15-2008, 09:46 PM
 
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Are there any books I could read that would expand on this? This is very much how I feel.
I read that view in The First Sex by Elizabeth Gould Davis, a paperback over thirty years ago.

The Church took baptism from:

1. The Jewish view of the Mikvah
2. An initiation rite to bring the new "soul" into the fold, to be re-born. The book said it was a womb envy ritual of the male hierarchy of the Christian Church. Lots of benefits are ascribed to being baptised.

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#111 of 121 Old 02-15-2008, 11:25 PM
 
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I read that view in The First Sex by Elizabeth Gould Davis, a paperback over thirty years ago.

The Church took baptism from:

1. The Jewish view of the Mikvah
2. An initiation rite to bring the new "soul" into the fold, to be re-born. The book said it was a womb envy ritual of the male hierarchy of the Christian Church. Lots of benefits are ascribed to being baptised.
Thanks so much!

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#112 of 121 Old 02-16-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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No. I do regret that I had to jump through so many freakin' hoops (like moving to another state temporarily) to make it happen.

And that's not to say it was easy. I pushed for over an hour for one baby, only to turn around and push for over an hour for a second (posterior) baby. There was a LOT of pain.

Much admiration to you mamas with regrets for having the courage to share here.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#113 of 121 Old 02-16-2008, 02:35 AM
 
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warning: naking and tired, post may be hard to read


no, i do not regret my hb, however, i did during transition!! All i could think was
'why in the did i decide to do this! i could have drugs right now"!!!! I was in transition for a very long time. dd was over 11lbs so it took a lot of work to push her out. A lot of work. honestly, it was one of the most strenuous activities i have ever done. I guess i did feel a bit traumatized after my hb. I too, read spiritual midwifery and had this idea that my birth would be orgasmic. I had this image of every body holding hands, dh brushing my hair,the room dim and smelling of Patchouli. I envisioned my self having to work through labor, working with my body, moaning making animal like sounds- feeling pain but yet working through it calmly etc... and when i watch the video of the birth.....it does *appear* that way, but i sure didn't *feel* it at the time! In my mind, i was cussing like a sailor...the room was chaotic- i was out of control. Its just kind of a mind bender for me to watch the video. The first time I watched it I asked dh "was it really that quiet....Thats not how I remember it!!"
But no I do not regret the hb. It was a lot of work. it was not easy and it was painful. . . . . .but actually, it was just what i needed. After the birth, I just had such a sense of accomplishment-I had never felt so strong, so tough. I felt like a warrior. it was my battle and i won. nothing has ever given me that kind of satisfaction. I found strength that I didn't know i had.

And now that time has passed, I do remember it as orgasmic! damn rose colored goggles!!
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#114 of 121 Old 02-16-2008, 03:29 AM
 
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The baptism discussion reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"A woman is not a mother just because she has had a baby, a mother is not born when a baby is born; a mother is forged, made."

(It is from Naomi Wolf's book Misconceptions.)

I love it. I feel forged in the fires of motherhood!

I have no regrets about my homebirth. I do not think I'd change anything about it, though if we have another baby there are a few things I would try differently this time. I do *wish* (which I think is different than regret) that I hadn't torn again (very painful labial tear right next to previous unrepaired labial tear from my first birth. Perineum normal both times. I tear the "wrong" direction instead--straight up and the labial structure "gives" to try to protect the urethra and clitoris, I guess). I had a lot of sadness and struggle about recovering from another tear like that. So, I would try another new position to try to protect the upper structures of my body from tearing (this baby was hands and knees).

My homebirth was a super fast and intense labor--2 hours total and the first hour of that was, "Hmm. I think maybe I'm in labor, maybe if I squat down a couple times it will pick up and I can be sure..." type of labor! It felt like it was a train and I could either hop on the train or get run over. I managed to hop on and though I vocalized a LOT and not in the groovy, cool humming tunes from my blessingway way that I did during my first birth. What I said was, "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, It's okay, It's okay..." and then, "ouchie, ouchie, ouchie!" at the peaks of contractions (I was totally "with it" feeling though throughout the labor and was able to even say, "ouchie, ouchie is a DORKY thing to be saying!") Anyway, it was awesome and I felt like a super wonderful Warrior Queen.

Molly
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Talk Birth

Molly--mama to two sons (9/03 and 5/06), one tiny son forever in my heart (14w5d, 11/09), and one early m/c 2/10. Gave birth to my rainbow baby girl in 2011 and surprised to welcome another rainbow in October, 2014!
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#115 of 121 Old 02-16-2008, 06:16 PM
 
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I felt like a warrior.
You are!
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#116 of 121 Old 02-16-2008, 07:20 PM
 
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You are!


aww, thanks hanno.............
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#117 of 121 Old 02-17-2008, 03:37 PM
 
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No way do I regret it. It was one of the peak experiences of my life. My first labor and birth were traumatic and painful in every way (attempted birth center birth that ended in a hospital transfer after 26 hours of labor and being stalled at 4 cm for 8 hours) and this birth, while painful, was also incredibly powerful and transformative. It surely helped that DS was anterior (DD was posterior) and that the labor was only 6.5 hours, but I also think being in my own space and having very hands-off midwives made a huge difference.

grateful mother to DD, 1/04, and DS, 2/08

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#118 of 121 Old 02-18-2008, 02:34 AM
 
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no, i do not regret my hb, however, i did during transition!! All i could think was
'why in the did i decide to do this! i could have drugs right now"!!!! I was in transition for a very long time. dd was over 11lbs so it took a lot of work to push her out. A lot of work. honestly, it was one of the most strenuous activities i have ever done. I guess i did feel a bit traumatized after my hb. I too, read spiritual midwifery and had this idea that my birth would be orgasmic. I had this image of every body holding hands, dh brushing my hair,the room dim and smelling of Patchouli. I envisioned my self having to work through labor, working with my body, moaning making animal like sounds- feeling pain but yet working through it calmly etc... and when i watch the video of the birth.....it does *appear* that way, but i sure didn't *feel* it at the time! In my mind, i was cussing like a sailor...the room was chaotic- i was out of control. Its just kind of a mind bender for me to watch the video. The first time I watched it I asked dh "was it really that quiet....Thats not how I remember it!!"
But no I do not regret the hb. It was a lot of work. it was not easy and it was painful. . . . . .but actually, it was just what i needed. After the birth, I just had such a sense of accomplishment-I had never felt so strong, so tough. I felt like a warrior. it was my battle and i won. nothing has ever given me that kind of satisfaction. I found strength that I didn't know i had.

And now that time has passed, I do remember it as orgasmic! damn rose colored goggles!!
My hb was not as 'easy' as i had thought it would be, but it turned out to be just. what. I . needed.
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#119 of 121 Old 02-18-2008, 05:36 PM
 
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No regrets. It hurt like all those words you aren't allowed to say on MDC, and I'd love for there to be greater pain relief options available for US Homebirths. But I have a deep belief that it would have been far worse in the hospital, where I would have been surrounded by strangers, afraid and with so much about how the birth and the baby was handled out of my control. It might have hurt less, but I think it's more likely that it would have just hurt differently.

Spending all of my money and time on this wild, wild life.
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#120 of 121 Old 02-22-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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Honestly I don't regret my homebirth: I am at peace with it. However, in the interest of honesty and because you asked, I believe my daughter died because I was at home. I pushed for a long time and there was some meconium the last half hour or so. She died literally five minutes before coming out. I don't think a hospital would have let me push for so long and my daughter might not have died if she had gotten out sooner. My second baby was supposed to be a "homebirth" at the midwife's house but she came so quick, she was born at a donut shop en route. I am now pregnant with my third and contemplating homebirth again.
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