Dilemma: MIL expects to be at birth. Doesn't know its a homebirth. Don't want her there. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 73 Old 05-13-2008, 02:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rachel616 View Post
Your seeming expectations (delusions) of instantaneous relationships and the "right" to be present at the birth of grandchildren, despite what the mother wants for herself and her birth experience, are offensive. That's not a differing viewpoint that people are disrespecting, it's just rude and presumptuous. Think about it.
Agreed. And I also agree with homebirthmom's statement about not marrying her daughters. I'm thankful that my mom and MIL both have common decency and respect for me, but if they didn't, I wouldn't care one whit if my opinions on MY BIRTH made them upset. Did I mention it's MY BIRTH? Who's giving birth? ME. Whose baby is it? MINE. Let 'em cry then! How is it my problem if they're so hung up on themselves that they have the nerve to guilt-trip a pregnant woman? I don't even care if that sounds harsh, my BS meter is below zero right now and even if it weren't, it's still the simple truth.
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#62 of 73 Old 05-13-2008, 03:09 PM
 
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Neither do I see where anyone is saying where a person shouldn't be close to a MIL simply because she's your MIL. :
I commented earlier expressing my horror at what Ustas had to say, but I wanted to add something else:

I DID invite my MIL to one of my births and I am STILL horrified at the presumptuousness of the comment that was made! I asked her if she would like to be present at my last hospital birth b/c as an adoptive mother, I knew she may never have an opportunity to experience birth close up and I wanted her to have the chance. I'm very glad I did because her own daughter has had 2 c-sections in the last 3 years and so my MIL was unable to be present for the births of those grandchildren.

We now UC birth, so we won't be inviting her again as we prefer it to be just our immediate family (me, hubby & other children) but she doesn't hold that against us, and even though she was present for one birth, she in no way has any expectation of being present for future ones.

So YES, my MIL and I are very close and I am blessed because she's a fantastic woman, but NO, it just doesn't work the way you seem to think that it does, Ustas.

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#63 of 73 Old 05-14-2008, 01:56 PM
 
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I would never feel entitled nor expect to be at one of my grandchildrens' births. It's private. I think the very notion is nothing short of ridiculous.
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#64 of 73 Old 05-14-2008, 03:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I expect to have as close a relationship to future daughters-in law as I do with my daughters. I don't think that I should just throw my sons away, simply because they are male. I don't understand why you don't think that you should be close to your mother-in-law. Not to say that every MIL isn't different, but to say that you shouldn't have a close relationship with a person because she is your MIL is ridiculous. She did, in fact, raise the main that you married. She does deserve respect for that.
Hmmm I'm thinking that you might not be fully reading what I'm writing here. Showing respect to your spouse's parents doesn't mean letting them walk on you. Would you really expect to be invited to a birth after you were arguing with everyone at the prior birth (including the mom in labor?).

We see MIL multiple times a week, go over and celebrate holidays with them, go on vacation with them, make sure they have plenty of time with our son, I'm very respectful to her even when she's going balistic and she says I'm her "favorite child" (and she has 4 she birthed herself here). I call her to make sure she's doing ok, checked on her after surgery, commiserate with her, help her figure out how to post on craigslist, ect.

"Throwing away your sons" is not equalled by MIL-not-invited-to-birth. I can understand you're very emotional about the topic, I too have noticed in my own family dynamics that sons marrying off generally gives distance to their parental relationshps and work hard to make sure that hasn't happened for my husband and his parents. I hope that whomever my son marries family doesn't end up being his primary family contact, but that's way way different than expecting and demanding to be at any future DIL's births. Its private and intimate and not my *right* to be there.

And you know what? If she wasn't such a controlling, freaked out, scared, worried, bossy, in-my-personal space person at my last birth I WOULD invite her to this one. But she really violated my space, made my birth far more uncomfortable and nervous and I don't think that should just be ignored or brushed off. Being my Dh's mother doesn't give her any rights to not respect ME. Should *I* get respect as well? After all I did birth her grandchild, have been with her son for almost 10 years and have given him 110% of my support, love, and being the best spouse for him that I could. I think that should count in the equation too.

Respect is a two way street.

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#65 of 73 Old 05-14-2008, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Lisa, Congrats on the new baby. I hope you get this worked out and have the peaceful home birth of your dreams. Too bad you guys can't escape to some cabin in the woods where MIL can't find you and have a lovely birth and babymoon.
Ard!!!! OMG I haven't 'seen' you in forever!!!!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#66 of 73 Old 05-14-2008, 08:58 PM
 
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I don't know your MIL, but she sounds a lot like my mom.

However, what I really want to say (and I was so anxious to respond that I didn't even read any of the previous responses, lol) is that, regardless of the fact that she was at your last birth, she is quite presumptuous to "expect" to be at your next. Her presence requires an invitation, and if she doesn't understand that, that's her problem.

Next, it's your husband's mom, not yours. IMO, he really needs to be the grown-up here, as well as the bouncer, and explain to her gently but firmly that, hey, no hard feelings, but even though you were there last time, we really want it to be just us this time. No arguments, no nastiness, just that that's the way we feel. The "we" is key, because he should be speaking for you both as a team, not just himself or just you, otherwise she'll feel she can divide and conquer, if you know what I mean.

As for her showing up at your house during labor, why would you feel obligated to answer the door at that time or any other? If she's that much of a pain that she's coming over every 20 minutes, I really think she's had too long of a leash for too long and that, again, your husband needs to take the situation under control. If it's just that she's going to check up on you every few days or so, my advice would be to not answer the door -- AT ALL -- if you suspect you are in labor. It is not her home, and she cannot push her way in, and if mine did that and would not leave, I would call the cops, totally seriously.

I wish you luck and I really think you and your husband need to have a long talk about setting some boundaries with his mom. It sounds like she's all over the place and you don't need the stress.
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#67 of 73 Old 06-12-2008, 04:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ustasmom View Post
Sit down and think it through. Is this the way that you want to be treated when your children are having babies?

I fully expect to be invited to births of my grandbabies, whether from my daughters or my sons. I'd hate to think that the woman whom my son marries, wouldn't want me present for the birth of THEIR child.
This is precisely the type of MIL I DON'T want to be. As for it being THEIR child, when my son pushes an 8 pound child out of his vagina then he can demand that I be present (if that was his wish). Otherwise, I'll expect him to defer to his wife.

Homesteading Mama to homeschoolin' kiddos London (10) ; Alexander (8) :; Holden (5) :; and Sergei born at home 8/18/08
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#68 of 73 Old 06-16-2008, 12:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ustasmom View Post
Sit down and think it through. Is this the way that you want to be treated when your children are having babies?

I fully expect to be invited to births of my grandbabies, whether from my daughters or my sons. I'd hate to think that the woman whom my son marries, wouldn't want me present for the birth of THEIR child.
why yes, yes it is.
if i am a meddling MIL i do expect to be treated this way as I would deserve it.

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#69 of 73 Old 06-16-2008, 03:38 PM
 
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You think you have have it bad! I have a friend from church who had to figure out how to tell her MIL and FIL at her birth!:
My first 2 births I had my family at my births. After that it was just us with our next homebirths. Now they get a call after the birth, but wait a few days before they come to visit. I love them, because they seem to understand. And I know people at you bith can make you tense, and slow your labor. After having a wonderful, smooth, peaceful UC, I had a midwife HB. She brought 2 assistants, one of which brought her infant. I was asked about this they just showed up and slowed my labor down I was so stressed they were there. It was much longer and more painful than it should have been. So stand your ground.


Mellisa, wife to 1, mom to 5 and you baby year on the the way,
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#70 of 73 Old 06-18-2008, 01:25 AM
 
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Okay, I didn't have time to read through everything, but I would like to add what I would do in your situation.


Tell her no one is to attend the birth but your DP. Simple. Sure, it might not to totally true (friend and DD, MW, but whatever - similar would apply in hospital with Dr, nurses etc).

Then, in the same breath (as it seems you might need to talk fast before she gets going), tell her that if she puts up a fuss she will not be welcome in your home to see the baby afterwards.

I think you need to be harsh with this woman if she has previously not listened to your needs/wants/wishes.

This is your birth, you have every right to take total charge. Lock the doors and unplug the phones. Put up a sign on the door if you think she might go that far. You need to feel SAFE and totally comfortable to birth the way you need to.

Maybe mix and match my ideas with someone else's with a tad bit more compassion towards rude and nonlistening folk.

Best wishes in your birth and I hope you find peace in your decision.

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#71 of 73 Old 06-20-2008, 02:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ustasmom View Post
Sit down and think it through. Is this the way that you want to be treated when your children are having babies?

I fully expect to be invited to births of my grandbabies, whether from my daughters or my sons. I'd hate to think that the woman whom my son marries, wouldn't want me present for the birth of THEIR child.
With this attitude? You'd be lucky to be in their lives. How incredibly self-centered. It is THEIR child NOT your child.

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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#72 of 73 Old 06-20-2008, 02:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ustasmom View Post
I expect to have as close a relationship to future daughters-in law as I do with my daughters. I don't think that I should just throw my sons away, simply because they are male. I don't understand why you don't think that you should be close to your mother-in-law. Not to say that every MIL isn't different, but to say that you shouldn't have a close relationship with a person because she is your MIL is ridiculous. She did, in fact, raise the main that you married. She does deserve respect for that.
I'm close with my MIL, just not vagina close. My SIL and MIL are super close; go figure; one birthed the other and they spent 20years together before we met. Respect for my MIL has NOTHING to do with seeing my vagina.


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Wow!!! That is such an incredibly hurtful thing to say. I am crying. You've made my cry. It is not uncommon for mean things to be said on this board especially, but I am overwhelmed that such hurtful things came from one believer to another. What a great witness you are! Judge away, sister, judge away.
You are way over the line in your expectations as a mother-in-law. We're trying to give you a heads-up so you don't destroy your relationship with your son and FDIL.

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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#73 of 73 Old 06-20-2008, 04:26 AM
 
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WOW- what a thread!

I honestly never thought that I would be invited to a birth of any of my 4 children- let alone EXPECTED to be there. I more worry about what TYPE of partners my children choose, and want to try to build a relationship with them- never to demand one.

OP- how very difficult for you! Stressfull first birth, and now dealing with this before your 2nd birth. I think you are headed in the right direction. Have your DH talk to MIL is exactly what I would do. However, if he crumbles under her- then you should talk to her together. Go out to eat- no kids if possible. Tell her there about what you DO want her to do after the baby is born- food, helping with daycare, helping with Orion, any gift ideas - diaper service. or a specific thing you NEED. Then I would tell her that from NOW on she is to call before she comes over. BLame your anxiety attacks (which is true) and tell her that "Under your doctor's order you are to keep things VERY calm, and no unexpected anything- visitors, deliveries, anything you can prevent" and ask that she calls before she comes over or "you" won't answer the door. Tell her your very sorry, but you have to start calming things down before your birth. I would also tell her that you appreciate her "help" at Orion's birth, however this birth you are going to do things with JUST you and DH. Tell her it isn't personal, but it's about your comfort level. I would also add to tell her that "This is THE ONLY time you will discuss this- as the matter is CLOSED" and do just that- don't discuss it.

I hope you get the birth you want. HUGS to you and DH for standing up to her. Remember that you are a Warrior- just look at how amazing your body is! You are creating a person, and you are going to deliver a person- and that makes you a
Warrior. You CAN do this!!!!

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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