Hubby wants a divorce over HB - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-08-2008, 07:45 PM
 
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Ok - I havent' read all of the responses but I've simply GOT to chime in.

I've been on both sides of the passive aggressive fence and yes - I see that happening here as well. BUT... The thing that stands out to me here is this:

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I told him about it 2 months ago
Bold mine. TOLD? you TOLD him? Did you attempt to discuss or did you lay it down like "I've decided I'm having the baby at home"?

That can be the difference. I'm not advocating his actions by any means BUT if you took that approach with me it would make me have that adamant of a stance as well.

I agree that ther are far more issues her ethan are beign discussed but my gut says that BOTH of you have contributed to them. I'm not sayign this to slam anyone but the bottom line is this: NO relationship gets bad enough that Divorce is looming because of ONE person in it. It takes both partners to get to that point. I say that as a woman that has BTDT and now lives with the husband that divorced me not even 2 months ago. We BOTH had some major issues to work on. Granted we were lucky in that we both actually got through them - but not until the papers were already on the judges desk beign signed.

The key is that it's something that you both need to deal with - the ROOT of the problem - not the threat over homebirth. You know that this IS NOT over birthing at home. What you need to do is REALLY find out what it is about. Flat out ask him why he REALLY wants a divorce. Dont' beat aroudn the bush over it just blurt it out. Sounds like that is all he does anyhow.

I hav eto say that my perspective of this situation comes from my own experience. Your posts sound exactly lik e many of my own journal entires, posts etc have in other places about my own husband. MY way is the only way. it's all in your approach. If you are coming off the least bit belligerant about your view than OF COURSE he is not goign to be open to your ideas, reasons and views. Much like you insist that he doesnt' communicate - he may not but it's up to you to at least make the attempt at EFFECTIVE communication and by that I mean speakign in a manner that he will hear not in a manner that he will go into auto shut down. I say this because as I said I've BTDT - got hte divorce papers to prove it.
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:36 PM
 
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I really think there's more than a few posters who are clearly missing the point and are NOT getting what the OP is talking about. Lovely lectures on how a marriage is supposed to be is NOT going to help when BOTH partners are not involved in sharing that lovely view. It takes TWO to make a marriage. From someone who has BTDT in a very similar situation, there is more here then than meets the eye....and all the engaging, trying to talk, changing approaches just might not help...and I think it's safe to assume, from the OP's posts, that she has tried to do just that. If she has done all she feels she can do, she needs support now more than anything.

fambedsingle2.gifnovaxnocirc.gifHappy to be a mommy and teacher to D fencing.gif, born 1-17-06 via waterbirth.jpg  and A  blahblah.gif, born 10-6-08 with a homebirth.jpghomeschool.gif

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Old 08-08-2008, 09:52 PM
 
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i would TELL my dh that i was having a homebirth too. if he were having a baby, he could have it where he felt comfortable (his body and stuff) but its my body that will go to a hospital and im not taking it there.

so i see NOTHING wrong w/ telling dp/dh or whoever that i am leaving my body at home to birth our baby. he gets to decide how we raise our baby but not what medical interventions i have to deal w/ during pregnancy and labor. yeh, i listen...but im not jeopardizing my health due to to some illogical fears.
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Old 08-08-2008, 10:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven View Post
the bottom line is this: NO relationship gets bad enough that Divorce is looming because of ONE person in it. It takes both partners to get to that point.
Really>? NO in big old caps huh?

You realize that such a strong statement includes women that leave their husbands because they are being verbally, physically or sexually abused right>? So they are partly at fault according to your above statement.
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Old 08-08-2008, 11:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
Really>? NO in big old caps huh?

You realize that such a strong statement includes women that leave their husbands because they are being verbally, physically or sexually abused right>? So they are partly at fault according to your above statement.

Yes, I do. I say that because many has been the time that MY view was that I was the one beign abused in the relationship (and my therapists even agreed) but the reality is that BOTH of us were being abused in some manner (and is often the case). But my personal opinion is that in a long term relationship one is only a victim as long as they allow themselves to be (and yes - I mean that even in cases of abuse -of any nature- physical, mental, emotional, verbal, financial).

I'm not saying that this IS the case but I'm sayign that we only really know one side - the side that is beign conveyed - which is exactly what I used to do - I'm saying that based on my own previous behavior this is my opinion.

WRT situations in relationships beign THAT bad because of TWO people not one - I base that on what I've had I cant' even count how many marital therapists tell both DH and I in therapy.


Quote:
i would TELL my dh that i was having a homebirth too. if he were having a baby, he could have it where he felt comfortable (his body and stuff) but its my body that will go to a hospital and im not taking it there.
Yes, I agree it's YOUR body but it is also HIS baby and he does have a right to input on the way that child is birthed IMO.

Beleive my I can empathize. We had a home waterbirth with our youngest, I would LOVE to ahve that again this time but DH doenst' feel safe with it this time for many reasons and I see and understand those reasons. Becuase of that and my respect for him, his fears and his place in our childs life we will be having a hospital birth this time around. That may be different next time but for now we respect EACH OTHER WRT birth and how we are bringing this child into the world.

Katelyns Mama - I hoep you find the peace that you need. I truly do - whether that means leaving your husband and having your baby the way you want or stayign with him and workign things through.
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Old 08-08-2008, 11:30 PM
 
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OP, I wish you all the best with your upcoming birth
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Old 08-09-2008, 01:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven View Post

Yes, I agree it's YOUR body but it is also HIS baby and he does have a right to input on the way that child is birthed IMO.
.

well, i dont agree w/ that view. when he wants to birth a baby, he can..anywhere he wants to. for now, i am the one who would be subjecting myself to complete abuse in a hospital in my area and going under teh knife, risking death. thats not a decision i am comfortable allowing him to make for me and OUR child. he has a right to help raise and care for the baby but not put MY life at risk during birth.

and wow about teh comments on women who are subject to domestic abuse, etc. etc. i cant even comment on that one.
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Old 08-09-2008, 01:27 AM
 
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What?? And it's "his house"? I'm not a big believer in divorce, but I'd be tempted to take him up on it.
I agree! that sucks mama. I hope you have someone supportive by your side during labor and delivery.Much love to you!
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Old 08-09-2008, 01:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by PassionateWriter View Post
and wow about teh comments on women who are subject to domestic abuse, etc. etc. i cant even comment on that one.
Then don't - I'm relayign MY experience and what I have learned in YEARS of therapy for relationship issues.
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Old 08-09-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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Can we agree to disagree and just offer our support to the OP?

wife to DH 2/03, mama to DS 3/03 & DD 1/09
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Old 08-09-2008, 09:27 AM
 
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Well, I'm not agreeing to anything, I think that some very weird blame-the-victim things have been said here.

But I will agree that these points should be kept separate from this thread, and that the OP deserves and needs support.

OP: and I am so sorry for everything that you have and are going through.
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Old 08-09-2008, 11:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Jojo F. View Post
Can we agree to disagree and just offer our support to the OP?

did I not do that?

Quote:
Katelyns Mama - I hoep you find the peace that you need. I truly do - whether that means leaving your husband and having your baby the way you want or stayign with him and workign things through.
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Old 08-09-2008, 01:27 PM
 
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Closed for review.
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