Hubby wants a divorce over HB - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-12-2008, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just found out this morning, through my mother, that my husband plans on divorcing me for my plans to HB. I told him about it 2 months ago and he hasn't said a word to me about it since. He just said that I couldn't do it in this house....so I made plans to birth at a friends. Not a word since but he asked my mom yesterday while I was at work what my birth plans were and she told him. I'm really glad she did becasue obviously he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it but at least now I know. He hasn't mentioned a word about it to me today which I find amusing. Like I need more stress at 34+ weeks pregnant! Oh, and he never wanted to be at the birth of my first child or this one. Why would it matter so much to him then where I birth? He also doesn't talk about the baby, acknowledge the fact I'm pregnant, etc. Sorry, just need to vent!
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Old 07-12-2008, 03:18 PM
 
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wow, maybe you could get in for a counseling session before the birth?
if he is really this bottled up about it, he could interfere with your labor. even if he isnt there.
have you asked him at all what his feelings are on homebirth?

also, is there a possibility that your mom blew what he said out of proportion?

good luck, sounds tough.
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Old 07-12-2008, 03:28 PM
 
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I'm sorry for your husband's terrible attitude about everything. It sounds like he's fishing for excuses and trying to pin his feelings on your actions even though you've done nothing to deserve it.

Mom to DD ('06) and DS ('08)
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Old 07-12-2008, 03:31 PM
 
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What?? And it's "his house"? I'm not a big believer in divorce, but I'd be tempted to take him up on it.
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Old 07-12-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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You two need to talk to each other. About birthing. About pregnancy. About why it is that all this information is passing through your mother. About whether you want to stay married. You describe an astounding void in marital communications - your mom is talking to both of you, but it doesn't sound like you're speaking to each other at all. Do you want to stay married? Or do you feel like you're done?
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Old 07-12-2008, 03:44 PM
 
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Wow that seems so unbelievable!

Mama to (DS 7) and (DD 5), wife to DH

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Old 07-12-2008, 03:50 PM
 
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oh my. I am so so sorry. I hope you are able to resolve this before your birth.
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:48 PM
 
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Wow. Ok, but don't stress with all the reactions you are reading here. Its some crazy communications, thats for sure, but you need to stay focused on you and that baby right now in your pregnancy. You and your babe are the most important folks at the moment, everyone elses thoughts and feelings are secondary, even when horrible words like divorce are thrown around. I had a dear friend who found herself in an eerily similar situation a couple of years ago and the stress caused her to go into early labor. Hard not to, considering, I don't doubt, but try to stay focused on a healthy you and baby.
You do really need to acknowlege to DH directly that you have heard about what he's feeling and be honest that it freaks you out and you need to stay focused on the baby right now, but that this is huge and deserves more attention and conversation than you think you can give it at the moment and keep your fingers crossed.
A counseling session can go one of 2 ways: be relaxing and freeing to get it all out in the open or terrifying as you both all start to release the truth.
Perhaps with a REALLY good counselor who could control the intensity of the sessions...
. You are a strong mama, hang in there...

S, mama to boy M(6/07) and baby girl R(7/10). We do all the good natural family living stuff!
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Old 07-13-2008, 04:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks mamas! i know we have MAJOR communication issues in our marriage and he refuses to see a counselor or even a conversation with me in general. he likes to totally avoid conflict to "keep the peace" but it just ends up making matters worse, especially when I hear things 'through the grapevine' like this! I am still waiting for him to approach me on this. hopefully, it will be sometime today. if not, i guess i will have to bring it up but i'd rather it be his idea so maybe he would actually speak. i'm just pretending i know nothing of the convo with my mother at this point. i wasn't planning on his support or prescence for the birth so I am prepared to do this alone in any event. keep me in your thoughts/prayers!
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Old 07-13-2008, 05:47 PM
 
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Wow, be sure to take care of yourself and your babes in this stressful time!!

Even if he won't go to a counselor, maybe you should. This gives you a place to ground yourself and what is happening in a 3rd neutral party for you (and also a great place to vent!). I think this is really important for you to do so that you can continue to see what you need to do take care of yourself and your babes.

Honestly, while it's been mentioned already about the huge communication issues, it sounds like your Hubby has some personal issues that would benefit both of you if he worked on them: for instance, why does birth and pregnancy cause such a shut down in him, do the apparent communication issues appear most frequently with women in his life, etc...

Hugs to you!

Baby wearing Mamma to DS, dealing with all his allergies....and thriving w/another little bundle due in Early Feb
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Old 07-13-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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Wow Mama you are one strong woman. I'm so glad that you are coping with this so well. Its so difficult to have a partner who won't talk about issues... my dh was pretty bad at one point but luckily he was willing to do therapy after he realized that we weren't going to make it without going in.

I'll be thinking of you! Great job taking care of you and baby!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:16 PM
 
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That sounds like a cop-out to me. It sounds like there are other deeper issues and this impending home birth is just a convenient way to make it seem like the problem is you.

But now is not the time for you to be stressed and worried so do what you need to do to take care of you.

You'll definitely be in my prayers.
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Old 07-13-2008, 07:15 PM
 
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I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's not fair to you. To begin with, your husband seems very dettached, talk to him. Maybe this goes a bit further than just the homebirth, something else may be bothering him. As far as your birth plans, he obviously doesn't understand why you desire a homebirth. I suggest you both sit down together and watch "The Business of Being Born", the documentary be Ricki Lake. Maybe after he watches this, he will be a little more receptive to the (wonderful) idea of having a homebirth. Give him your reasons and educate him as to why a homebirth is better for your family. And like another person said, your mother may have been exaggerating somewhat. I hope everything improves and you have a wonderful birth!

Erica

Erica, wife to Jason (March 2002) . Mama to Ava (June 2003) , Jason Jr. [AKA JJ] (August 2004) , Lila (January 2009) , Maura (October 2010) , and a new person in December 2012!
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Old 07-13-2008, 09:43 PM
 
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wow, are you already split up prior to this? if not, I'd say good riddance. any partner that has no ability to discuss things maturely and sends info like that through the family grapevine is a coward.

good luck with your birth. distance yourself from any negativity and focus on you and your baby.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:19 AM
 
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if he is going to divorce you over something like this... there are bigger problems than we obviously know of here... and if this is serious maybe this is for the best. i mean.. this is such a simple thing and actions like this over something so simple do not bode well.

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Old 07-14-2008, 02:33 AM
 
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I'm sorry for your husband's terrible attitude about everything. It sounds like he's fishing for excuses and trying to pin his feelings on your actions even though you've done nothing to deserve it.
:

I'm sorry.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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Old 07-14-2008, 03:53 AM
 
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Obviously none of us know your entire situation from this single post....but I do agree with one of the other poster's that maybe you should try to talk to your H about why pregnancy, birth, etc. causes him to shut down.

For the same reasons that women have emotional issues, men have them also and there may be something very valid that causes him to react this way.

I've never had to deal with my DH not being agreeable to a birth plan but I feel that just b/c a partner isn't agreeable doesn't mean we should get so tied up in ourselves and the baby. The baby does need and/or want a father and as much as you should avoid high stress, you should also nurture your marriage as much as possible also.
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Old 07-14-2008, 10:38 PM
 
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wow...i am so sorry. that sounds soo hard. i hope you are able to find a place to gestate in peace for the remainder of your pregnancy.
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Old 07-25-2008, 12:24 PM
 
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My husband had similar reactions to my first pregnancy and we came to realize that he was afraid! Perhaps even terrified. All of my fears about the pregnancy were magnified onto him and it manifested as anger and some resentment. Now that the baby is born the fear is gone and he can't stay away from her.
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Old 07-26-2008, 12:25 AM
 
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Your husband is not divorcing you over a homebirth. He sounds like he has (and the two of you have) serious issues, the least of which is a birth that hasnt even happened yet.

~Shannon~ Proud Mama of 3 girls, ages 7,4, and 2.
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Old 07-26-2008, 12:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Your husband is not divorcing you over a homebirth. He sounds like he has (and the two of you have) serious issues, the least of which is a birth that hasnt even happened yet.
i realize this, obviously, but he fails to admit there are other problems. EX: total lack of communication! since i posted this, we did talk about it and he did tell me that he planned on divorcing me if i went through with the homebirth since he "didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way". we talked more and i told him that i wish i could make him feel more comfortable with my decision but i couldn't do that if he wasn't willing to listen. i don't think he is actually going to divorce me now since i feel the convo took a turn for the better at the end. i'm bascially going to disappear for a day or so and come back with a new babe. wish me luck!
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Old 07-26-2008, 11:34 PM
 
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"didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way".
This really sounds like he has heard too many AMA rants about 'how homebirths are unsafe'.... but has he educated himself (or have you offered) on homebirth safety.
Has he sat down with midwife and talked about normal birth, what your, her and his role is? And what the procedure is *if* an emergency occurs.

This really sounds like it can be turned around with simple education.
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Old 07-26-2008, 11:46 PM
 
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we did talk about it and he did tell me that he planned on divorcing me if i went through with the homebirth since he "didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way".
"Obstetrical Myths vs. Research Realities" plus a few studies on the safety of homebirth would be essential reading. I'd be tempted to say "I don't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put his wife and child in danger by blackmailing his wife into a hospital birth based on ignorant assumptions and NO actual research."

I wouldn't want him at the birth, but you may want to consider filming it in case you want to show him later.

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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Old 07-27-2008, 01:38 AM
 
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One thing that I would do here is ask my mother, as well as other relatives, to refer my husband back to me if he has questions about my plans. To not answer those questions for him.

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Old 07-27-2008, 02:22 PM
 
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we did talk about it and he did tell me that he planned on divorcing me if i went through with the homebirth since he "didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way".
If my husband ever said this to me I would have then told him that I do not feel comfortable being married to someone who does not support me and my decision on where to have our baby. Your husband really needs some education on homebirth. The only person besides the midwife that I wanted at my birth was my husband. I can't imagine not having my husband with me. He should be loving and supporting you during this time and through the birth not saying he wants a divorce.

Take Care,
Lisa
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Old 07-27-2008, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK--some of you are missing the point here. he won't do any research or read any info I have to offer on homebirth so i have basically given up on that idea. i packed TBOBB in his bag when he went away and told him that he should watch it and he didn't. i'm not going to force. plus, i feel that if he is soooo close-minded, why should it be my job to push, pry, poke, etc. so he feels secure? if he wanted to feel better about this he would read my info on it. his reasons for a hospital birth are simple.....everyone else does it! i don't think he even knew that people ever have homebirths nowadays before i brought it up.

good idea about taping the birth so he could watch it later if he wants!!! thanks so much!!!
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Old 07-27-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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Hugs--I'm sorry you're going through all this. I agree with the PP who said you should go for individual counseling even if he won't go--this is too much to have on your shoulders, and posting here (or on any internet message board) is just going to end up getting responses that will be annoying to you and maybe not tremendously supportive. Have you talked to your MW about all this? Mine always wanted to know how my life was in general throughout my pregnancy and wanted me to tell her if anything was stressing me out.

Good luck!
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Old 07-27-2008, 04:10 PM
 
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If he's threatening to divorce you over homebirthing, then there are a LOT of underlying problems here! I can assure you that your birth plans are NOT the cause of the problems, even if they are a trigger for things or a focus of the fighting.

The real problems are issues with trust, respect, and control, and possibly some fear as well. It sounds like he's trying to control you, and doesn't trust or respect your ability to make sound choices for yourself and your baby. There may be fear underneath that- his fears of stepping out out of the expected "normal", perhaps his fear for your safety, his own fears of being a good provider, etc.

The issue is NOT that he won't let you homebirth and is so against it that he wants to divorce you. The issue is that you can't communicate- he won't listen to why homebirth is so important to you, nor can he tell you why he's so against it- if so, you'd be able to help him work through his concerns, and possibly one or both of you would be willing to make compromises for the other.

If you change your birthing plans to please him, when he's making ZERO effort to understand your POV, you'll likely resent him for it for years to come. It will probably cause more long-term problems in the relationship than going ahead with your homebirth plans with him dead-set against it. When the birth is over and you're both healthy, he may come around. If you compromise your safe birth for his fears, you'll probably resent him for a very long time and he'll never truly understand what the big deal was.

Even if he files for divorce after your sucessful HB, you can be confident that you put your baby's health ahead of your husband's irrational fears, and anybody so closed-minded about this topic isn't somebody you're really compatible with anyway.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 07-29-2008, 01:39 AM
 
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First of all, hang in there. I'm so sad for you that you have to go through this.

Just curious...how does your mom feel about your HB? If she disapproves, it's possible she exaggerated her conversation with your husband hoping you might change your mind??
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Old 07-30-2008, 04:25 PM
 
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One thing that I would do here is ask my mother, as well as other relatives, to refer my husband back to me if he has questions about my plans. To not answer those questions for him.
I was going to mention something similar. I would tell my Mother to please respect boundaries & refuse to discuss personal matters. This is between your husband & you.

I'm glad to hear he has at least communicated some with you, but he obviously has issues in that department, & needs to come to you, not go to your Mom or someone else.

He sounds very set in his ways, & for me personally, I would be highly offended if my husband didn't have enough trust in me to make a sound decision....perhaps counseling is in order for you to be able to handle his issues. That being said, I would only see someone who is not brainwashed in the birth system, & is knowledgeable in natural parenting.

My thoughts & prayers are with you....

 

  

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