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#1 of 10 Old 03-31-2009, 03:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey ladies. I am planning my HBAC for this July and just hit some family drama that has affected me more than I want. I attempted a home birth last time, but ds flipped breech during labor and my midwife couldn't get hold of any back up experienced folks and I ended up with a c/s. I did most of labor last time down to pushing ds far enough out that they saw it was his butt and it was a wonderful experience followed by a traumatic hospital experience. Regardless my MIL who takes care of ds 3 days a week just had a conversation with her good friend who is a Dr. and he told her his opinion on VBAC. She is now totally freaked out. She sent us over there for dinner so we could hear from her friend, but after a conversation with them, they were fine not talking about it because we didn't really want to hear it or get scolded. I spoke with my midwives (the team that my midwife called for backup last time) and MIL will come to our appt next month to meet our team (sorry, this is turning long). I thought that was the end of it for now. Yesterday my dh forwarded me a string of e-mails starting with his Mom writing dh's brother and wondering why I wouldn't listen to her friend and why I would make a medically risky choice in order to try to have some kind of "spiritual" experience. BIL wrote her back a wonderfully grounded response saying all the right and very adult things, but the whole thing bugs me way more than I want. I know this is just her being freaked. I know we're making the right choice and dh is 100% on board with me. I feel like I was pretty confident and unconcerned about this being an HBAC and for some reason knowing that she is upset is making me terribly hurt and offended when I should just ignore it and keep trying to be gentle with her while limiting our interaction around this. I know I'm choosing the safest thing AND the most spiritual thing for me. How could she ever ever think I would put any experience before my safety and the safety of my child? Especially after the last birth. I definitely didn't get what I wanted. I did what I thought was the best at the time. I just can't let this go. I feel so sad and angry and fundamentally misunderstood. It doesn't help that this pregnancy had felt very hard emotionally and I've been busting my butt trying to stay healthy and do the best gestating I can (exercising, good diet, even hired a house cleaner).
Any sympathy, cheering, reassurance and/or bolstering would be much appreciated. Thanks. Oh and I told my dh not to forward along any more drama. I'm just not up for it.
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#2 of 10 Old 03-31-2009, 03:28 PM
 
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I feel like I am going to have the same issue once I get pregnant again so I am very interested in the response.

((((Hugs))))

winner.jpg, cloth diapering, babywearing, AP mama to Aiden (10/04/07) and Rylan (12/20/10)  hbac.gif
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#3 of 10 Old 03-31-2009, 05:28 PM
 
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DONT TELL THEM ANY MORE INFO.

Not trying to yell, but the less they know the better. Give them a due date and tell them you are working with medical professionals. When you call to tell them baby is here, thats when they can know if you are at home/birthing center/hospital. If they ask ahead of time what hospital you can tell them my mw's work out of XX hospital.

I am going to vba2c and I am frankly ready to stop answering the phone and looking at texts and emails. I am due today with no signs of babe arriving soon. The responses I have gotten lately - "when are you just going to go ahead and schedule the c-section" and "it was your choice to do this, he could be here already". And this from family members that were supportive at one time. Good luck to you both and I hope your family (let me put this politely LOL!) stuffs a sock in it. A bit hormonal here
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#4 of 10 Old 03-31-2009, 05:38 PM
 
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First of all, what is she so scared about? A c-section is risky business! Does she realize that? a VBAC is a completely safe option. It's obvious to me that your MIL has had her own vaginal births so she doesn't understand what it's like to have a c-section emotionally an physically. I'm sorry, this post just really got my blood boiling because you need to concentrate on positive energy, not fear and drama that your MIL is bringing into the picture. YOu are so lucky you have a supportive DH. That is the main thing. I've "talked" to many people on this forum who didn't even have that. Feel grateful for that, and concentrate on the supportive people in your life right now. Once the baby is born all this will be merely a memory.
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#5 of 10 Old 04-01-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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There's a book called 'Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife' by Peggy Vincent. I bought it online, hasn't come, so haven't read it yet. It gets lots of good reviews and I plan on reading it and handing it off to any parents/inlaws/family who may be interested in reading it.

It's hard to block out family, and while I appreciate people who say 'it's your decision, they have no say' (I agree with those points) it still can weigh heavily on your mind when an important family member thinks you're making a huge mistake by taking such a 'risk'. I totally agree with the PP who said that c/s is risky business! I think people think it's a walk in the park, or an easy escape route when it's definitely not.

Keep in mind at the bottom of all the meddling is a concern for your safety. It's somewhat misguided, as it's making you feel awful, but her intentions are good. Could you get her a copy of the Business of Being Born? That's a good way to show that midwives are professionals and not some crazy witch doctors. Send her some links to some homebirths on YouTube.

Good luck with this.

Mama of 2 sweet boys, Miles (Jan 3/07) and Avery (Nov 28/09) My fast and furious HBAC
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#6 of 10 Old 04-01-2009, 01:16 AM
 
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My MIL's views were really swayed by watching The Business of Being Born.

You can do this.
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#7 of 10 Old 04-01-2009, 01:55 AM
 
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If you have a solid relationship with your MIL, it might be worth you or your husband having a little heart to heart with her. Something along the lines of, "We appreciate your concern & want to assure you that we have carefully considered our decision. Based on the evidence, we feel that this is the best choice for our family. While we know that your concern comes out of caring for us, frankly we find it very hurtful that you would even think we would not consider the physical safety of mom & baby to be paramount. Please know that your efforts to undermine our decision are causing undue stress at a time when we need support from those who care about us. If you cannot be supportive of our decision, we understand that that is your choice, however we cannot continue to discuss our birth plans with you." If you don't have a solid relationship, I guess you move straight to the last sentence.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. There are certainly a lot of misconceptions about birth. It sounds like your MIL is caught up in them.

Best wishes to you!
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#8 of 10 Old 04-01-2009, 10:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies. My Dh came home from picking up ds last night and had a long talk with his Dad. Sounds like things are calming down a bit. Apparently BIL's e-mail was well taken and now the fear factor seems to be down around the same level as worrying when we travel etc. I can totally handle that as it seems like an appropriate level of concern. I did write MIL a heartfelt e-mail last week (before the newest drama) with some links to studies etc. She didn't have any problem (or didn't voice it) last time when we had a midwife for a home birth with ds so I think it's just the perceived and added "complication" of VBAC.
I'm not at the point of cutting them off with regards to information about the birth. If she insisted on being super freaked even after next months' appointment where she can meet our midwives, then it might be time for that, but for now, I'm just trying to remember that she is concerned and scared and hopefully a little time and suppport from other family memebers will bring her around. None of this will change our birth plans any, just make it more complicated emotionally.
Anyway, I'm taking off for a vacation to sunny San Diego on Friday to relax and forget about it all for a few days. Nothing like a break with a good friend to put things back in perspective.
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#9 of 10 Old 04-01-2009, 12:34 PM
 
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That's good news. It sounds like you have a good relationship & that her efforts come out of concern for you rather than a need to control you. Enjoy your vacation. May it bring you clarity & peace!
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#10 of 10 Old 04-03-2009, 01:02 PM
 
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It sounds like things are going better. You might also want to give her the Time Magazine article, "The Trouble with Repeat Ceseareans."

Sometimes, a publication from a well known source will sway someone more than a less known source. Here it is:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...0665-1,00.html

Married to one of the last good guys left Jim
Mom to AJ 4/07 and Genevieve 5/09

And then: I'm really, really tired of making angels.

But wait, could it really be true?


The whole story at: www.xerxella.blogspot.com
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