Husband not as supportive as I thought... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 06-30-2009, 03:51 AM - Thread Starter
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Okay, its not enough that the doctor isn't necessarily on par with my birth preferences when it comes to laboring and pushing positions. I told my husband that I wanted to labor at home as much as possible when the time came and since the Hosp is an hour drive away, he said it is too risky.

He also said, in his domineering voice, that when I go into labor, we are heading to the hospital. He doesn't seem to understand that my concerns are the medical interventions and the fact that I will be restricted to that darn bed for constant monitoring, possibly making me crave pain medication. I'd probably be tensing up in pain and labor would not progress as it should.

When I naturally miscarried at 11 weeks last year, I had real labor contractions for 6 hours. They were coming on top of each other during the last 3 hours and let me tell you this, I could not sit because of the pain. I got up and walked around and that helped me cope with it. I also hopped in the shower briefly and that helped. I was in so much pain, I was breathing through the contractions, but I did it all without pain medication. I started getting a little paranoid and headed to the ER over some heavy bleeding and clots. To my surprise, the contractions stopped and the bleeding let up almost as soon as I arrived. I delivered the placenta in the ER bathroom.

So, in telling you this, I am putting emphasis on the fact that there is no way I am going to want to labor while just sitting there, or rather, laying there! I'll be wanting to run around like a mad woman and possibly hitting the hot shower for however long.

I have been so upset all day. I waited too late in the game to find out that my doctor doesn't support movement during an attempted VBAC. I was ignorantly presumptuous! Despite the fact that I am already 35 weeks pregnant, I am going to try/have been trying to find another doctor.

I was just going to suck it up and stay with this doctor and just labor the way I WANT to, but I have no support system. I thought I had my husband, but now it seems like he has changed his mind because of what the doctor said.

What would be a good way to combat this? When I go into labor, if its not obvious, perhaps I should just keep quiet? Will I be able to hide it from my husband if he is around? What if my water breaks in his presence? I'm seriously so depressed over this and wish it was a non-issue.
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#2 of 10 Old 06-30-2009, 08:59 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through this!

I'd honestly tell him that it's not negotiable. It's YOUR body, YOUR labor, and YOU'RE the one who has to endure the horrible policies of that UAV OB. And until HE's the one who gets to experience it, he'll either support you or not be there. But that's just me

I really hope you find a more supportive HCP. Is there any way you could hire a doula/nurse who could stay with you before you go to the hospital? Someone who could keep checking you if necessary? Maybe a student mw or HB mw? Maybe your DH would be more on board if he knew you had someone competent and trained for medical emergency staying with you (and even going with you to the hosp.) - and he won'e be urging you to go before you're ready. Because seriously - with that OB, you do NOT want to go in there until you're pushing.

good luck!

*Meghan* - Mom to Sam (5/14/08) and Joseph Scott born 9/10/09! and wife to amazing hubby Mike : ! WE LOVE OUR : FAMILY!
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#3 of 10 Old 06-30-2009, 11:24 AM
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Perhaps you could negotiate with DH and agree that, when labor starts, you will head to a hotel that is nearby the hospital? That way you could have a shower available to labor in without the long drive ahead of you.

If that's not an option, I would flat-out refuse to head to the hospital until I was ready. Like PP said, it is your body and your labor.

I also plan to labor at home as long as possible before a 45 minute drive to the hospital. Luckily, my DH is on-board and is (mentally) prepared to deliver the baby himself if labor happens faster than expected.

Cat (30) DH (30) Carissa Grace born 11/3/07 via c/s after fetal distress. Sophia Claire born 10/9/09 VBAC!
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#4 of 10 Old 06-30-2009, 02:35 PM
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If he absolutely won't budge, then try to labor by yourself. For example, if you go into labor in the middle of the night then don't wake him up but go out to another room. Or if he is at work during the day when you go into labor, don't call him right away. That way you can be alone with your positive thoughts. Get him when you need him - or when you're almost at the point of needing his help!

Of course, your water might break when you're standing right next to him, and then hopefully you would have worked out a compromise. If for some reason he won't budge, then stand your ground at the hospital and get telemetry monitoring if available so that you can move around. If not, at least sit on the birthing ball or something so you're not stuck in the bed.

You can do it - good luck!
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#5 of 10 Old 07-01-2009, 12:16 AM
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Wherever you do it, whoever attends, please find a doula! They will take you at any stage. It could make all the difference for you. She can run interference between you and dh, and the MD, etc. An experienced doula knows how to talk to the hospital staff, and ideally who to talk to, which nurses are better for natural birth, etc. (Or she can find out for you!) That's the one biggest thing I would do differently if I were doing my hospital birth over (other than not going there). Doula, doula, doula!
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#6 of 10 Old 07-03-2009, 02:04 AM
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Would he feel better about the situation if you hired a montrice? The montrice can monitor fht's, etc and help you determine when to head to the hospital. Often the montrice will then accompany you to the hospital where they act as a doula.

Also, you have the right to labor as you wish. They can't make you lie in bed, accept CEFM, etc. Granted, they may not like you and probably won't make it easy, but you have the right to informed refusal.

If I were you, though, I'd be looking for a different CP.
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#7 of 10 Old 07-03-2009, 01:12 PM
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I like what MomytoC brought up: what counts as labor? Define it with him so that early labor doesn't count, being thoroughly into active labor is what counts as actual labor. Like that whole contractions 1 minute long 5 minutes or less apart for an hour already, and/or you're getting withdrawn and focused and serious, and/or you check yourself and are past 4 (or whatever) cm. Then it's probably time to head out there anyway with an hour's drive.
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#8 of 10 Old 07-04-2009, 11:17 AM
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Personally, I would never have a friend at my labor if she were not supportive of my preferences- and I would not hesitate to tell my husband that he was not invited to my birth either if he would not support me as I needed! I agree with the doula suggestion- but I'd also like to suggest that your DH is operating out of fear. Can you inform him of some alternatives? Has he watched the Business of Being Born? Has he attended an ICAN meeting? Or read about how our rising Cesarean rates in the US are actually making outcomes WORSE for moms/babies? If he is not willing to educate himself or to learn about why you want what you want, then maybe he shouldn't be part of your birth- but if he is willing to learn, then he deserves to be. Best wishes!
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#9 of 10 Old 07-08-2009, 04:24 PM
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First of all, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. My husband got cold feet about my VBAC at about 32 weeks. I felt so alone. So, first of all, hugs to you. You are stronger than he gives you credit for.

I second, catspage suggestion of going to a nearby hotel to labor as a compromise. Would that work for you?

Also, a good doula might make a world of difference in your situation so that you have someone there who can give you all the support and backrubs that you need as well as someone to help you resist your doctor's wishes for you to lay on your back if you cannot find another Health Care Provider.

FYI - My husband came around right before the birth and was FANTASTIC, so anything can happen.

You might like this video. I got it from my local ICAN chapter and found it inspiring.

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#10 of 10 Old 07-08-2009, 05:10 PM
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i agree with you but i understand your husbands concern. an hour is a long drive and maybe he is worried that you will wait to long and he'll be trying to deliver the baby himself parked on the side of the highway yk? i think the hotel is a great compromise.
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