Having trouble keeping my mouth shut! :) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 03-10-2010, 05:59 PM - Thread Starter
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Man, these days I'm really having trouble not speaking a little more than my mind regarding things like VBAC, c/s's, unnecessary inductions, cascade of interventions....oh how times have changed from just 3 years ago...lol!

There's a really thin line between helping someone educate themself and sounding like a jerk....and I'm afraid I'm about to cross over to the jerk side (in others eyes) if I'm not careful!

It's so hard though...I don't want others to be taken advantage of (or lied to) like I feel I once was...but at the same time, when their doctor is sitting there preaching to them visit after visit...why would they believe me??? "I" know that a doctor is not God, but to so many people if the doctor says it, it must be true! OY!!!

Thanks for letting me vent, I knew y'all would understand!

Me (30), DH (31), DS (3.5 yrs - 5/07), DD (1.5 yr - 2/09) via VBAC!!! DS (newborn - 11/10) via natural VBAC! 2 angel babies - 06/06 & 04/08
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#2 of 9 Old 03-10-2010, 07:53 PM
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I wrote about about this and ended up getting into trouble with the friend I referenced in the post even though my point was not about her decision but how to handle giving info:


I think we all evolve and we all go through the phase of speaking too much or not getting the tone right. I also think that we need to separate our feelings from the feelings/experiences of others. So, give information but without attachment to the decisions of others and give lots of help and support to people who respond and ask for it.
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#3 of 9 Old 03-10-2010, 08:30 PM
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I have learned that the best way to approach information giving with many people is to say, "you know, I did a lot of research about birth practices for my own births, and I found a lot of medical evidence that might interest you. Let me know if you'd like to see any of it."

You might be surprised at the people who say, "bring it on." and the people who don't...well, they are the ones who probably wouldn't listen when you were talking anyway.

I have had loved ones who I TOTALLY didn't expect to ask come back after a few weeks and say, "We'd love to get a list of resources from you." Sometimes it takes a first experience that wasn't what they were hoping for, but there are always the ones who come with the first and say that they're interested.

I also start some conversations with something like, "Where are you planning to have the baby?" and when they say XX hospital, I'll say, "Oh. Huh. Are you aware that they have one of the highest cesarean rates in the state?" If they are interested they'll move the conversation forward. If they don't care, they'll just say, "no. wow. can you pass the bean dip?" I recently talked to a cousin's wife who did NOT know that, at her baby shower, and the conversation we had ened up causing her to stay at home through a large part of her labor, so that she ended up having a much less interventive birth than the normal women who births at that hospital. Other friends don't really care.

The thing is, you always have to remember that you can't invest more emotion, time, and energy into a birth than the woman giving birth. It's not healthy!

You might find a positive outlet in becoming a childbirth educator, though. You'll have a captive audience of women who have come to you because they WANT to know!

Mama to two awesome kids. Wife to a wonderful, attached, loving husband. I love my job-- I'm a Midwife, Doula and Childbirth Educator, Classes forming now!

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#4 of 9 Old 03-10-2010, 09:41 PM
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it's definitely a blurry line to cross. the first time I manned an ICAN table at a conference I totally said the wrong thing to a woman, who is probably posting on some other message board about the ICAN wacko who scared her

i am always trying to improve my delivery methods and meeting women where they are. being involved with ICAN has been such a positive experience in my life for so many reasons

Christine, mom to C(7.5) - E(5) - J(3) - B(10 mos)

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"Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it." ~Anonymous

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#5 of 9 Old 03-10-2010, 10:59 PM - Thread Starter
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Great advice ladies! Thanks!

I guess I must have at least said something right in the past though, because my best friend told me not to long ago that she was interested in a NATURAL VBAC next time...this coming form a girl who signed up for an elective c/s as to avoid labor and the fear of a big baby! So, she's come a looong way too!

That WAS a very exciting and proud moment!

But times were people state things like, "oh, a VBAC, that's really dangerous for the mom and baby. A c/s is much safer." Or, "just do the induction so your baby doesn't get too big." I'm struggling on how involved I should get and how much I should say!

Me (30), DH (31), DS (3.5 yrs - 5/07), DD (1.5 yr - 2/09) via VBAC!!! DS (newborn - 11/10) via natural VBAC! 2 angel babies - 06/06 & 04/08
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#6 of 9 Old 03-10-2010, 11:15 PM
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I know how you feel, I'm getting comments now planning our VBAC.

It doesn't help that I currently have a girlfriend LOOKING FORWARD to her ELECTIVE section in two weeks. This despite myself and a third girlfriend flooding her with info. I've learned that sometimes people just don't comprehend what you are trying to tell them, don't care, or are too brainwashed by the almighty medical profession for anything anyone else says to get through.

I find that some situations get to me more than others. I get very emotional about the above situation. There are a few other areas of my life I am equally passionate about, and get very emotional about as well. My DH is a wonderful support with this, as well as a dear friend of mine. Having someone who you can yell at about the situation is a great release.

Heathyr hang.gifBlessed Catholic Wife to DHwheelchair.gif Devoted Mama to DS1 biglaugh.gif(3/17/08) and DS2blowkiss.gif (8/5/2010)familybed1.gifcd.giflactivist.gifribboncesarean.gifx2 
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#7 of 9 Old 03-11-2010, 11:34 AM
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It is difficult. My SIL does not listen to it even a little bit and we have a really good relationship. She had an elective induction and we warned her not to do it. Luckily everything turned out great for her. Then I had a necessary induction that led to a csection, unresponsive baby and a week in the NICU. I could not believe it when she signed up for another elective induction for baby number two! Of course everything went perfect for her. So instead of my info being trustworthy, I'm just the mom that cant deliver her own babies.
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#8 of 9 Old 03-11-2010, 02:18 PM
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I so understand. I am on a more mainstream group. There are 3 of us due around the same time. All 3 of us have had at least 1 c/s. I am the only one who is even at the least considering VBAC. If you bring the subject up, often times you will get the "its too dangerous" response. So, I just don't bring it up...let alone what the reaction will be if I even mention home birth.
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#9 of 9 Old 03-12-2010, 11:50 AM
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One of my best friends and neighbors (next apartment , share a balcony kind of neighbor) is pregnant with her first, just a few weeks ahead of me, due in May. I am due in July. Initially she said she wanted a natural birth, but then she says she is afraid of the pain and maybe wants an epidural. She didn't even really ask her doctor's view on birth or natural birth, she just said "oh they seem like they would just let things progress naturally". My Dr. is very reasonable in supporting my desire for a vbac but I am going to have a homebirth because of my last experience and my lack of trust in hospitals handling birth normally. I want to help, but also not come off as an overbearing fear-mongerer. Its very hard. I had a bit of a speel when I found out that the dr made her get the rhesus negative shot , in her FIRST pregnancy! which is completely pointless and there is a lot of research about the risks of getting the shot during pregnancy. Ugh. I am in the same boat, but got the shot AFTER my first birth and then declined it during this pregnancy. After I didn't hear from her for awhile and I was afraid that I had insulted her. There are so many choices to make in pregnancy and with your first, you don't realize that you have to go home and research and question everything the doctor suggests. Its hard.

Canadian mom of Myron born in Japan, March 2007. Our second son born at home, wonderful HBAC in July 2010. I am a jeweller, I love creating things!

1***5****10****15****20****25****30****35**coolshine.gif*40****45, Due June 10th, 2014

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