why can't people be supportive? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 10-19-2010, 05:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 40+5 today, waiting for my baby to tell me it is time to start laboring. I have been encouraged for days now by very heavy contractions and lots of pelvic pressure. Yesterday I lost my mucous plug. We are calm and prepared and looking forward to birthing our third baby vaginally after 2 difficult surgical deliveries.

I am trying my best to keep out any negative feelings--but it seems that wherever I go the question is "so, will they induce you?" or "how long will you go?" And of course I have close friends and family who question why I am not just signed up for surgery. I have decided that I am not going to take calls after today. I am moving ahead feeling strong and sure of my plan. That said, I wish I could pinpoint why people feel the need to tell me what to do, to fear monger me, to talk to me like I have never done this before....and I wish I could stand up to them in a firm but kind way. I am too polite.

I am an intelligent woman who has had two previous labors. I know what I am doing. Why can't people just wish me the best, be positive and $%$&#$# BACK OFF?

Just venting, I am grateful to this forum for giving me a place where I don't feel like some bizarre woman for choosing an alternative path.

thanks for reading. I'll let you all know when we have a baby!
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#2 of 21 Old 10-19-2010, 05:17 PM
 
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I think so many people have heard horror stories that they forget (or don't know) the successes!

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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#3 of 21 Old 10-19-2010, 06:05 PM
 
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I agree w/ AFWife. Unfortunately, we live in a culture where birth is highly feared and viewed as a medical emergency.

I stopped talking to people about the HBAC delivery (although that's the only thing they want to talk about) and really went inward during the final week and a half before DS was born. Part of it was a natural part of pregnancy, and part was a reaction to the negativity.

Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!

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#4 of 21 Old 10-20-2010, 10:28 AM
 
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ELV to you Mama!

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Missing DD Lily 6/17/10- 12/13/12

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#5 of 21 Old 10-20-2010, 10:48 AM
 
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I did the same when preparing for my hbac. I avoided my family dr and stopped talking to my mother in law (who was a L&D nurse) and was driven crazy by all of my choices. my DH was wise enough to not pass along her typical crazy demands. "go get induced!" "schedule a c'section" etc.. I hung out with my super chill and supportive sister and chatted with my midwives. I had my baby boy at home 9 days past my due date. no problem. be strong! you are doing everything right! good luck.

Canadian mom of Myron born in Japan, March 2007. Our second son born at home, wonderful HBAC in July 2010. I am a jeweller, I love creating things!

1***5****10****15****20****25****30****35**coolshine.gif*40****45, Due June 10th, 2014

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#6 of 21 Old 10-20-2010, 10:55 AM
 
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I got all the same questions with my first baby and they drove me crazy then! I wish I could have just stayed in and avoided them, but most of the questions came from co-workers and as I had a trouble-free pregnancy I was still at work. I delivered via c-section 13 days after my due date after a slow progressing induction.

I may go to working full time from home in the last weeks of my next pregnancy to avoid that negativity! to you mama, you know you can do it!

Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

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#7 of 21 Old 10-20-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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Its hard to remember that most of the people who are commenting are geniunely worried about you. They have no idea about birth....they just care about you and think they know whats best. HTH!

(BTW, I totally had it out with my mother before my first VBAC)

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#8 of 21 Old 10-20-2010, 12:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JustVanessa View Post
Its hard to remember that most of the people who are commenting are geniunely worried about you. They have no idea about birth....they just care about you and think they know whats best. HTH!

(BTW, I totally had it out with my mother before my first VBAC)
I think most people fear the unknown/unfamiliar. They care about you and fear what they do not know. Just hang out here, mama. We have faith in you and your body.

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#9 of 21 Old 10-20-2010, 04:54 PM
 
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I totally agree and understand! Why women just won't support women I just don't know. I think not answering the phone is a great idea! And I heard someone come up with a great line the other day when people ask questions about will they induce or wow you're still here..."they actually just changed my due date, I'm only 38 weeks, crazy huh?" heheehe! I liked that!

Me (30), DH (31), DS (3.5 yrs - 5/07), DD (1.5 yr - 2/09) via VBAC!!! DS (newborn - 11/10) via natural VBAC! 2 angel babies - 06/06 & 04/08
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#10 of 21 Old 10-23-2010, 05:47 AM
 
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A LOT of women in similar situations will just set all voicemails/answering machines to say something along the lines of, "We are spending the last bit of this pregnancy alone as a family, if you are listening to this message then, no, we have not had the baby yet. We will let everyone know when baby is here. Thank you for allowing us to share this time in private." And then not answer any calls.

I'm not a VBAC, so I know questions like induction/how far will they let you go/etc. are not going to be as common for me, but I don't recall any from DS's pregnancy...though I tend to head it off early. Like today, I was asked when I was due and I said, "13th February, but we're looking more towards the end based on family history." She just laughed. Most people don't really bother with the induction/how far questions because that pretty much just heads it off. I said similar things with DS as well. And my family and friends all know that I'm doing the whole "natural thing" and that there is no induction/time limit thing for me unless medically necessary, which would most likely be an emergent thing, not something I would know ahead of time. I suppose it's really paid off for me to be so honest and open about my non-mainstream birth choices.

- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#11 of 21 Old 10-26-2010, 12:31 AM
 
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*

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#12 of 21 Old 10-27-2010, 10:01 AM
 
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I hope everything went well!!

Canadian mom of Myron born in Japan, March 2007. Our second son born at home, wonderful HBAC in July 2010. I am a jeweller, I love creating things!

1***5****10****15****20****25****30****35**coolshine.gif*40****45, Due June 10th, 2014

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#13 of 21 Old 10-27-2010, 11:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Mamas,

I am holding a beautiful baby boy in my bed...we went into labor at 40+6, on our own, naturally. My baby was born last thursday, Oct 21st. He is healthy and happy and nursing like a champ. He brought my milk in after only 30 hours post partum!

I am not ready to post my birth story just yet, but I will in a few days. Thank you all for your compassion and encouragement. This is an awesome forum. Look for my story so, it was a life-changing journey.
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#14 of 21 Old 10-27-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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Congratulations on your new little one!
I am posting belatedly, but your original post struck a chord. IMHO no one knows your thoughts and feelings better than you, so you won't get the responses from people that you might expect. (When I say "you", I mean all of us.) There seems to be a lot less empathy in the world than there used to be. I learned early that if you have something to say (ask, tell, explain, etc.) people want to one-up you with their story. Most of the time people don't intend to be rude (and one-upmanship is rude!), they lack effective listening skills.
I look forward to your story!

"There is a special place in Hell for women who do not help other women." ~ Madeleine Albright, first woman U. S. Secretary of State.
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#15 of 21 Old 10-27-2010, 11:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cian'sMama View Post
Hi Mamas,

I am holding a beautiful baby boy in my bed...we went into labor at 40+6, on our own, naturally. My baby was born last thursday, Oct 21st. He is healthy and happy and nursing like a champ. He brought my milk in after only 30 hours post partum!

I am not ready to post my birth story just yet, but I will in a few days. Thank you all for your compassion and encouragement. This is an awesome forum. Look for my story so, it was a life-changing journey.
Congrats on your baby boy!!!!!
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#16 of 21 Old 10-27-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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Congratulations!!

Katie (36)
 
Married mom to Patrick (2004), Noah (2006) and Liam (2010) VBAC!!
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#17 of 21 Old 10-27-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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Congratulations on your sweet little addition! I'm looking forward to reading your story whenever you are ready to post!

Me (30), DH (31), DS (3.5 yrs - 5/07), DD (1.5 yr - 2/09) via VBAC!!! DS (newborn - 11/10) via natural VBAC! 2 angel babies - 06/06 & 04/08
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#18 of 21 Old 10-27-2010, 07:23 PM
 
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yay for healthy babies!

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#19 of 21 Old 10-28-2010, 11:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cian'sMama View Post
Hi Mamas,

I am holding a beautiful baby boy in my bed...we went into labor at 40+6, on our own, naturally. My baby was born last thursday, Oct 21st. He is healthy and happy and nursing like a champ. He brought my milk in after only 30 hours post partum!

I am not ready to post my birth story just yet, but I will in a few days. Thank you all for your compassion and encouragement. This is an awesome forum. Look for my story so, it was a life-changing journey.

- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#20 of 21 Old 10-31-2010, 09:06 PM
 
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Congrats

Lisa DH Pat DS Liam DS Jamessigncirc1.gif

Missing DD Lily 6/17/10- 12/13/12

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#21 of 21 Old 11-03-2010, 09:49 PM
 
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Outstanding... wonderful... a delight and a joy!

Smooch your little boy for me.

Mamma to Amelia (8/13/2006) Henry (7/28/2008), and Arthur (1/15/2011)
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