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Not sure how to process, or explain my choice to others...(Warning: uterine rupture mentioned)

928 views 7 replies 8 participants last post by  JoyFilled 
#1 ·
I had my daughter, my third baby, on Sept 17th. I was trying for a VBA2C. My first birth ended in c-section after too-early AROM and pitocin, and failure to progress, and ever since I have wanted a vaginal birth. I was convinced with my second that I would be successful, and I got to the pushing stage, and then he moved into a weird position and wouldn't descend any further. This time, I was surprised that my doctor and OB were both supportive of trying VBA2C, but wouldn't have thought of doing anything else. The thought of scheduling a repeat c/s just wasn't an option to me. I think I had a feeling all along that I would have another c/s, and I was so much more worried about rupture this time than I had been the last time, so it wasn't really a surprise for me to have the c/s, but I could never have *not* tried, you know? I would have regretted it so much. I always would have wondered. I have always wanted to have a baby "the real way" and if I hadn't tried, I would have felt like a failure before I even began.

Not many people around me understood the way I felt, especially my family. They felt the risk was too big (they didn't know how small the risk really was,) and worried the whole pregnancy. They kept asking me why I would take such a huge risk, and were convinced something would go wrong. They just couldn't understand why this was so important to me.

Well, I guess someone has to fit into that 1%...and I had a uterine rupture. I had a wonderful labour, for about 14 hours, and most of it was amazing. I was managing contractions really well, and felt really good about everything. I was sure that this time I could do it. But the last little bit of the labour was suddenly excruciating, and I wasn't progressing despite the strong contractions, and the OB wanted to do a c/s. I agreed, it just felt like the right thing to do at that point, even though I was very sad to agree to it. When they opened me up, I had ruptured, and we are so lucky that we did the c/s when we did, before baby showed any signs of distress. If we had waited any longer, it would have been catastrophic. The top of her head was out, but the cord was still inside the uterus. I just feel so blessed that I consented when I did, and that there happened to be a free OR just then, or I might have lost my baby.

Now I'm at the point where I'm trying to process. I'm recovering really well, and my baby is an absolute dream. That helps. But I do burst into tears pretty regularly when I think about what could have happened. What if things had played out differently? What if we'd been too late? Should I have tried a VBA2C?

I still believe that a trial of labour is the best option. I don't have any regrets. This was my best labour and birth by far, believe it or not. I am happy that I know for sure that the c/s was necessary--with the others, I always wondered (and still do,) what I could have done differently to avoid it. This time, I know it saved my baby's life, and possibly mine. I am also strangely content to know that this is my last baby (the OB could only do a single row of stitches instead of double, because my bladder ended up in a weird spot, and was very traumatized by baby's head pushing on it. He strongly feels it would be a bad idea for me to get pregnant again, and I tend to agree.) If I hadn't had the UR, I might have had another baby, and then it could have gone really wrong. For so many reasons, I just don't have any regrets for trying, even though when I think about it, I am just so lucky that I have a live baby. This is a hard dichotomy for me to process. I am glad I tried, but am scared that I did, and am just glad that it turned out the way it did.

And explaining those feelings to my family and others...they don't understand. They think I'm selfish for trying, or stupid. They keep telling me how lucky I am (believe me, I KNOW!) and tell me I should have just had a repeat c/s to begin with. In a way they're right, but how was I to know? I just wish they could understand, instead of trying to make me feel guilty.

And in a way, I guess I do feel guilty. If she hadn't made it...I can't even think about that. I would have blamed no one but myself.

I am sorry to put all this here, I don't know who to talk to about it. I don't want to scare ANYONE out of trying for a VBAC, because I still truly believe it is the safest and best option. But my feelings about my birth experience are so mixed up right now, I don't know what to think. I'm so incredibly grateful for my healthy baby, but I get so upset when I think about what could have happened if things had been just a little different. I am at peace with the c/s, but I'm not at peace yet with the whole experience, if that makes any sense.
 
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#2 ·
wow what a lot to go through. Hugs!

I wonder if a UR would have happened if you had never had any c/s's? I understand needing to heal the trauma of a c/s by giving birth. I only found peace by trying again. I had two vbacs and feel so blessed by the way things turned out.

You did a great job with your trial vbacs even if they did end in a c/s. It's amazing work us women do!

There are so many what ifs when it comes to giving birth. So many well meaning people say oh well your baby is healthy and that's all that matters. But they're wrong. Our emotional health matters too. A c/s can be emotionally scarring. I hope you are able to process these recent events and find some peace. My c/s was eight years ago and I still cry over the trauma regularly.
 
#3 ·
It's going to take time for you to work through the various feelings you have regarding your baby's birth. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find you have at least some PTSD happening.

Your family clearly has no idea how to be supportive for you & that really sucks, especially since it seems they are making things worse for you emotionally with their comments.

The fact is you made a well-reasoned logical choice. VBAC is safe & VBA2C is safe. Unfortunately, sometimes bad things happen even when you do something safe, because nothing is ever 100% safe. I think you may be having some cognitive dissonance with this situation, because intellectually you know you made a reasonable choice, but the results of that choice, for you, were not the most likely result. The problem is, you can't ever know in advance how a choice will turn out. You made the best choice you could and you continued to make the best choices as the situation changed, for you & your baby.

Every choice you made was made with the best information you had to give your baby as safe a birth as you could.
 
#4 ·
Oh mama, how scary.
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Like Devaskyla said, it does sound like you did everything you could, and it sounds like you intuitively made the right choices, which is wonderful and may have kept your DD alive. I know there are so many emotions--and it must be even harder when your family doesn't get it. But we get it here. I'm planning a VBAC next year, and your story doesn't make me question it--it reinforces that we have to trust our intuition. I want to tell you not to think about the what-ifs, but I know its impossible. I replayed my section in my head 10,000 times, and everything that DD went through--but truth is, there's no way to really know. We do the best we can with what we have, and we have to be proud of ourselves for that. So please don't be hard on yourself. It is natural to feel everything you are, so don't feel bad about talking through it here.

FWIW there are mamas (at least one I know personally) who have a few children naturally and then something catastrophic happens--thankfully yours didn't go that way. But it really can happen to anyone. I'm sorry this had to happen to you.
 
#5 ·
I completely understand how you feel. Did you read my post about what happened with me? Very short version....I started to have uterine rupture too. Big difference was though, my VBAC doctor abandoned me when that happened. I had to run to a different hospital completely to get actual medical care. The vbac doctor was not even willing to speak to me, look at me, or evaluate me. He had already looked at me and declared the situation to be false labor because I was not dilating and the contractions were irregular. BUT, I was in extreme pain. I cannot even describe how extreme it was and he would not even check my scar....nothing. He was not willing to do a thing. It was a nightmare. Fortunately, we made it to the other hospital in time and had the csect and my baby is fine. (but I am still extremely angry at the vbac doctor for abandoning me).

If I had not at least tried the vbac, I would have not forgiven myself. I actually had seriously complications that could have been deadly from the previous csect. So, if I had just gone straight to csect, and had those complications again or other complications, or died...well...fact is, csects always come with a higher risk than vbac. Everything in life is a risk. You can reduce the risks, but you cannot rid of them 100%. You actually took the less risky route. And when that did not work out, were able to take the other route. Your baby is fine and you are fine. If others give you a hard time, tell them to go buy a copy of "Freakonomics." It will explain risk to them better.

(((hugs)))
 
#7 ·
wow. thank you for sharing your story. i've had similar experiences- DD was a c-section due to her position and we tried for a VBAC with DS. it was a loooong labor (also had PROM), but we kept going and kept laboring and we thankfully had him vaginally. we had so many objections along the way, ESPECIALLY when my family found out we were delivering at a birth center instead of a hospital. sometimes families and friends can't understand that you're chosing to do what you're doing cuz you believe its in the best interest of the family-- they just see the risks because they care. sometimes they're out-of-control with worry (my mom didn't sleep the 3 days i was in labor) and some are just looking out for your safety. i've really really learned when to tune out the negative comments and when to listen for the true concerns. so you gatta find the balance. YOU were smart, though. you listened to your body during labor and you were in control. having a c-section before, its not like you were afraid of it, like a first-timer might be. i went into my VBAC thinking "ok, we ARE going to have this one naturally. but if we have to have a c-section, i won't be devistated, i will know its because it is what needs to be done to have a healthy baby, healthy mom." and if you want to try for another natural birth, DO IT!! our bodies are magnificent and can rejuvinate themselves and heal in amazing ways. BOTH of my babies came out brow-presentation. there's like a 2-3% chance of that happening with ONE baby, let alone TWO. will that stop me from trying for another vaginal birth? absolutely not. (DESPITE what my family says) i will again remind myself "we ARE going to have this one naturally. but if we have to have a c-section, i won't be devistated, i will know its because it is what needs to be done to have a healthy baby, healthy mom." and as long as the baby and i are healthy, it will be a success.
 
#8 ·
I had an ERCS at 9 days over due with no signs of labour. I had a lot of mixed feelings - actually I felt terrible about it. I heard from people who were "pro labour" that I should have waited longer. And I heard from my family mainly that I should have had the c-section at 39 weeks.

My midwife said something that completely made me feel better: "People will always comment on your parenting choices no matter what you do." This is a parenting choice. In my opinion you made the right choice and I made the right choice. You sound like you know you made the right choice.
 
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