Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: middle of nowhere, KS
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Don't blame yourself for not knowing about the issues before your labor. When you're pregnant you just don't have time for everything. I studied womens studies in college, we used Our Bodies Ourselves as a text book! And that was 14 yrs ago. When i chose my birth attendant and location I asked all the right questions, heard all the right answers, communicated my wishes openly, felt fully supported by my husband. But for some reason labor didn't progress. None of the different positions I tried felt right at all, the juice I sneaked in made me queasy. At about 12 hrs I took Nubaine, 24+ and I took the epidural, 30 and I was ready for the c/s. Knowlege doesn't necessarily protect you. It's true, I still ask myself about every day if i couldn't have done something differently, though I don't know what and not sure I want to know. I do wonder if I missed something or if i failed somehow, but the perfect incredibly beautiful amazing little girl in my lap is evidence that somewhere I did something right. And when I think about it, the most important thing to me was avoiding birth trauma for her. Since the birth, 2 women I know have told me about injuries their babies had during delivery. One had bruises across the forehead from the pubic bone, the other had a broken collarbone. (Bless them both for not telling me those stories before the birth!) And i think, what if she got an injury because I refused a c/s? I could never forgive myself.
One thing I realized while pregnant was that I carry some abuse issues in the pelvic region of my body, and I was retraumatized by a medical procedure later. so it's very easy for me to mistrust doctors. Recognizing these issues helped me greatly to see the difference between those experiences and what is happening now. I maintained control throughout the process, and both MDs listened to and respected my wishes. (they would have done the c/s a lot sooner if I hadn't told them earlier, so emphatically, that I didn't want it.) So though it was a major surgery which could hardly be more invasive, it was a different experience from those earlier traumas, and I came out of it without feeling abused and disempowered. Perhaps this can help you to feel better about your upcoming birth. This time will certainly be different, even if you have another c/s, because you know a lot more and have already made different choices to serve your interests and those of your baby better.
I hope you can VBAC, but if it doesn't happen, you can still be okay.