Feeling unsupported at MDC - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-27-2005, 07:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ruthla wrote on the VBAC failure thread "I agree that CBAC shouldn't be considered a "VBAC Failure." Sometimes you do all you can to facilitate a VBAC and it just doesn't work out, or complications arise that make a surgical birth the safest option for both mother and baby(ies.) I would hate for a woman to feel unsupported at MDC because she was unable to have a vaginal birth." and I wanted to respond.

Yes I personally do feel unsupported on MDC because of my c-sections, especially my failed VBAC. I know many other women feel this way too. How many times has a person posted a c-section story and other people have picked it apart saying what the person should have done differently to avoid a c-section? One person was actually ignorant enough to say in response to a thread about planning a VBAC that if the person had planned a homebirth for their first they wouldn't be in this position. The arrogance! Yes I do get the impression that many women on here think they are better educated or stronger women than the ones who ended up with c-sections. As if we are just stupid and roll over and do whatever an OB tells us. And heaven forbid anyone on here ever claim their c-section was needed! People jump all over that just to make the person fell like sh!t and convince them why it wasn't really needed. It seems to me that it makes a lot of people feel better about themselves to convince themselves that they ended up with the perfect birth due to their education and womanly prowess and that those of us who ended up with c-sections didn't try hard enough. I am always reminded of the saying, "there but for the grace of God go I." I am sorry to sound so bitter but I know I speak for a lot of women on here (and I will understand if they do not want to speak up) when I say - Hell yeah we feel unsupported!

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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Old 10-27-2005, 08:24 PM
 
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I completely agree with you.

I feel like I constantly have to justify why my csec was needed, and why after researching VBAC for 20 months now, I am choosing to have my next child by csec. It's very frustrating. I took my Bradley classes, and read everything I could, and hired an awesome doula, and practiced relaxation EVERY SINGLE DAY for 4 MONTHS! I labored for days (after prodromal labor with contractions 3min apart for weeks). I tried umpteen frigging positions. None of it mattered. Birthing in my house or the woods or anywhere else wouldn't have prevented my csec.

It's really frustrating. I didn't choose this outcome. I didn't ask for it. It's not that I didn't try hard enough. It's not that I didn't want it badly enough. But, life frequently doesn't work out the way we plan.

I think it's unfortunate. Many people come to MDC for one aspect. Perhaps bfing support or they're interested in CDing. They then branch out to learn more about AP and NFL. We should all try hard to not be judgemental of those who are here. These are the people trying to learn, to be better. We are all doing the best we can. We are the ones who are educating ourselves about alternative options. We aren't listening to everything our DRs say, while we sit on the edge of our seats. I think if we could all be a little more understanding of others here and realize that not everyone here is a diehard, committed NFL APer, then we could all stand to learn a lot from each other.
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Old 10-27-2005, 08:30 PM
 
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Hi Heavenly,
I just wanted to say that I support you and the others who tried for a vbac and things just didnt go as planned.

I had a successful vbac, however I never would have been able to do it without dh. Literaly I could not have done it without him telling off the nasty nurses and being my advocate. I had 40 hours of hard labor and 2 of which were pushing. There was a time when dh was sleeping and I was planning on how to sneak away and get a cab to the hospital to get some drugs. Thankfully he woke up and my plan was foiled.

With my vbac it seemed like the whole plan was holding together by a very thin thread. I can think of several times when we almost got sucked into the "dead baby" scare and the the "health of the baby" tactics and I bought into it and had to be reminded by dh that I made a sound decision and that now was not the time for me to stand up for myself I needed to have the baby and he could fight the battles. There was no evidence that anything was wrong with babe.
So he took my hand and we went home. I WAS NOT IN THE STATE OF MIND TO STICK IT OUT ALONE. I WOULD HAVE FAILED BUT I GOT LUCKY!!!!

Truly lucky nothing else. Yeah I was educated but it was not all easy and alot hung in the balances. Im not one of those people to brood about my c-sec either. Im not one to bag on others who have one. When I hear of someone having a c/s or a birth that wasnt what they wanted I just feel sympathy since I know how hard it is. I will tell them my opinion and what I would do different but thats it. Im not one to homebirth either. I will be going 2 hours to a birth center but one of the main reasons is because they take the medical card! I dont want dh to be gone working a bunch to pay for the birth. I want him home with me and the kiddos.

Anyways I got longwinded but just know that I wish things could have worked out for you I know it must be so disapointing, but you tried and that alone takes guts. You went against the flow and you can try again as long as your not done havin babies!
I hope you feel better and you do have a friend here that have had succesful vbac. I just got lucky!
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Old 10-27-2005, 08:50 PM
 
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I don't open myself up to criticism on this site, but I know exactly what you're saying. I've seen it time & again. There is little respect for women who don't make the "right" choice, which seems to be VBAC no matter what, risks be damned. Physician threatens to end your care? Well, just go UC! Can't find a licensed midwife? Go with an unlicensed one, nevermind if you can't verify her nonexistent credentials. Feel uncomfortable with the risks? They're all imaginary anyway!

Of course, Mothering has long had a position of being VBAC supportive. And that's great. I don't think there is another parenting site on the Internet I could go to and find people supportive of my desire for a VBA2C, and throwing in the UC aspect pretty much clinches it. I am very appreciative of that aspect of this site. But it is saddening to see women's choices picked apart. Anyone who has ever been in labor ought to know how vulnerable you are during childbirth, and to assail a woman for going along with what she's told is the best course for her & her child is just insane. It's one thing if a woman asks "What could I have done differently?" and another completely if she just posts looking for support.

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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Old 10-27-2005, 10:44 PM
 
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I as one of those people that studied here before my Vbac attempt can respect both sides mine was a "failed vbac", but I am considering it again. I do see this forum as VBAC all the way group, but that is because it is the Bbac forum. And having had c/s's we are in the minority when it comes to childbirth. And it is true that a lot of the women here have had beautiful births and I am happy for them and am trying to accept that I can only fantasize about what so many women take for granted. A vbac is so important in the mind s of the women that do dream about a vaginal birth, and they are excited about it, to the point that it can come across as zealous, but I really don't blame them. And I love hearing success stories, while only wishing I could have joined them. Well, I guess my whole point is that this is the vbac forum, and there is a great c-section support thread in the general "birth and beyond" area, which will be much more supportive to your needs at this point. I think what would really help us heal is if society saw c/s as the "real" birth that it is, and not just a surgery, but that of course is wishful thinking.

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Old 10-28-2005, 12:55 AM
 
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I agree 100% although I have to say I expereinced that more on another vbac board I was on than MDC but I definitely agree.
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Old 10-28-2005, 12:58 AM
 
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society saw c/s as the "real" birth that it is, and not just a surgery
I dont mean to hijack but I just have to say, a friend of mine had a c/s and instead of saying "After I delivered" or "after I gave birth" or "After I had him" she says "After they c-sectioned me" ... (which of course is not a word but thats not the point) it makes me so mad. Whenever she says that I correct her and say, "You mean after you gave birth" ....
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Old 10-28-2005, 01:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Heavenly
And heaven forbid anyone on here ever claim their c-section was needed! People jump all over that just to make the person fell like sh!t and convince them why it wasn't really needed.
Hi Momma -- Tripmom speaking up. I'm with you -- and here is my claim -- my c-section "was needed". I'd like to hear from anybody with a preponderance of evidence and examples that delivering triplets does not require a c-section?

BTW -- apologies if this thread gets taken down. I see people post criticisms and stuff - and there is a healthy dialogue that goes on. But somehow whenever I jump in on these threads - within a few posts the whole thing gets "removed for review"? So sorry in advance if my presence kills your thread . . . .

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
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Old 10-28-2005, 01:37 AM
 
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Heavenly,

Oh my gosh I completely agree with you. I would love to post support and encouragement more on the MDC birth boards, but I can hardly stand to read the birth threads because of the arrogance and ignorance of those who are SO judgemental.

I have had 2 VBACs, but it was not because I am so much more educated and made all the "right" choices, in fact I only "achieved" the 1st VBAC by the skin of my teeth. I think that luck had a lot to do with it.

I hope that your next birth goes the way you want and that when you look back on the day you will smile.

respectfully,
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Old 10-28-2005, 01:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MommytoTwo
I dont mean to hijack but I just have to say, a friend of mine had a c/s and instead of saying "After I delivered" or "after I gave birth" or "After I had him" she says "After they c-sectioned me" ... (which of course is not a word but thats not the point) it makes me so mad. Whenever she says that I correct her and say, "You mean after you gave birth" ....
No - she means the day she was c-sectioned. Trying to make her feel as though she gave birth when she doesn't feel that way is no more fair than someone trying to make you feel that you didn't. I hate it when people say I gave birth to my babies. I hate it more than I can say.

Heavenly: I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm just glad this forum is here. When I first went looking for c-section support forums, I found a few where people were talking about how wonderful sections were and how glad they were that they didn't have the pain of birth. I wanted to smash my computer. I hope you can find people who support you in the decisions you've made. Good luck!

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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Old 10-28-2005, 02:39 AM
 
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many hugs to all you mamas, regardless of how you gave birth to your babies.

although i have not experienced a cesarean birth, i have observed some arrogant commenting on threads where support is clearly warranted and not examination of the poster's choices. although it may be "extra work" on the part of the original poster, i have wondered whether being overtly deliberate and clear about requesting support would be helpful. something like a disclaimer in the post "please post support only. i am not in a place where i can second guess my choices and i would ask that you respect those choices and not suggest that i replay my past."

i have felt unsupported at times here at mdc, and have had to remove myself from certain forums or threads for my own sanity. i am grateful to have family and friends to get that necessary support from, but i feel for those women who are isolated (in physical distance or in some other emotional or mental way) and cannot find that support in real life. the anonymous nature of an online community does allow for lots of misinterpretation, but for the most part, i think the benefits far outweigh this misinterpretation problem.

again, sending you

warmly,
claudia
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Old 10-28-2005, 03:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MommytoTwo
"After they c-sectioned me" ... (which of course is not a word but thats not the point) it makes me so mad. Whenever she says that I correct her and say, "You mean after you gave birth" ....
Can I offer that instead of telling her what her truth is, maybe be open to hearing her tell it? Maybe she truly feels like she did not give birth, that someone 'did it' for her. Maybe her words are an accurate depiction of her feelings. Is that something you can live with? If you can listen to her tell her story without correcting it, she may feel safe enough to reframe some of it down the road.

If I was telling my birth story and someone was correcting my language, I would just stop talking. I would assume they weren't listening to ME, they were listening to tell me what I did wrong, what i'm saying or thinking wrong, and who needs that?

I hear your intention... but don't take her birth away from her by forcing your words for it, if that makes sense. For YOU, it was her birth. For HER, it was not something she did, it was done to her.

Sometimes the wisest thing that can come out of our mouth is, "Tell me more about that." Sometimes it's saying nothing.

Quote:
Yes I personally do feel unsupported on MDC because of my c-sections, especially my failed VBAC. I know many other women feel this way too. How many times has a person posted a c-section story and other people have picked it apart saying what the person should have done differently to avoid a c-section?
I want to offer that no matter where you go, no matter what the topic- there are going to be die-hard people who see the world one way, who even with the best of intentions, will see you in black and white. The trick is believing that their intention is good, even if they are bumbling the delivery. Save yourself the strife- clearly state what you need when you post about your birth. "Critical comments are not welcome." "Support only, please." I would lay down money that if you told the readers what you were looking for by posting, you'd get what you needed. Support? Validation? A listening ear? A place to vent? Absolutely. Some women want to post their stories and actually ASK, "What could I have done differently?" They are stating their need/intention off the bat, too. I can also say that I always assume the readers of my posts are coming from a place of compassion, and that helps me to not feel attacked, even when i am sensitive.

Kristina in Kitsap County, WA
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Old 10-28-2005, 03:08 AM
 
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Heavenly, you are so right. The whole superior birth story grates on me, too.

I'm so glad that they had wonderful, beautiful birth experiences. All mamas deserve that for their babies.

But some of us didn't, and it doesn't mean that we necessarily dropped the ball in our preparations.

It is annoying, it is insensitive, but some people are insecure enough that they have to show how their superior parenting triumphed over other mothers. If it isn't the birth, it's gonna be the fact their kid walked earlier or slept in her own bed earlier or whatever. That's just the way some people are... endlessly competitive, and they can't stop themselves from those feelings.

What is unfortunate is when they can't stop themselves from expressing those feelings.
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Old 10-28-2005, 04:15 AM
 
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I agree. The pointed Monday-morning quarterbacking is obnoxious.
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Old 10-28-2005, 04:17 AM
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Sorry some of you feel unsupported, while I haven't had a c-section, I can understand where it is you are comming from
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Old 10-28-2005, 07:16 AM
 
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Why on Earth should it be assumed that support is not what is wanted? Shouldn't respect be the default reaction to any thread? I mean that there must be a special "support only" thread every month for c-sections makes it obvious what the usual reaction should be. Why should women have to stick to only one thread or risk being attacked? Why have members gone unsupported here so very often that they had to create their own thread to not be attacked?

Sabra: Mama to Bobbie (3/02), Linda (1/04), Esther (10/05), Marie (11/10), & Douglas (11/12)

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Old 10-28-2005, 02:46 PM
 
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Why on Earth should it be assumed that support is not what is wanted?
I try not to assume. I check in a lot, and I ask. Did you want support, or feedback, or both?

We are all coming from our own experience, our own values.. to assume that someone wants something is just a projection of what YOU would want in her shoes. If you don't know for sure, don't assume- just ask. It takes a second and you can post on from there, knowing that the person is getting what they need.

For many, MANY women, who are sooo deeply passionate, they feel that the BEST support they can give is to inform! Hasn't anyone here felt that? Are we all so skilled at compassion that we never get it wrong or bumble it? Have any of us has a sister or friend who is pregnant who we just couldn't help ourselves but talk up the benefits of breastfeeding/co-sleeping/whatever? I know I've done it. I am trying to support her, by giving information, by sharing my experience- my intention is support. But is it truly being supportive? Probably not, unless she asked for the information.

How many of us have 'supported' a mama in our lives who bottle fed by trying to show her that she could increase her milk supply, or cup feed, or whatever- and not because she's asked for the info, but because we assume she's unhappy about bottlefeeding?

Support has many faces. It is up to us to get our needs met and say, "I need empathy, please no critiques of my experience."

I guess my point is this: I can bang my head against the wall because what I'm being offered isn't meeting my needs, or I can ask for something specific.

My hope is that we can see the good intentions behind the fuddled-up delivery, and be responsible for ourselves- getting our needs met. I'm sure not perfect at it but i'm working on it!

Kristina in Kitsap County, WA
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Old 10-28-2005, 05:02 PM
 
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I so understand what you are saying, even though my vbac turned out exactly as I hoped it would. I know good and well that it very easily might not have. I know good and well after what happened with the birth of my first daughter, that no amount of education, reading all the right books, making all the right plans, even choosing the right care provider, is any guarantee you won't have a bad experience. And I know that even though your experience may not have been what you planned, it might not be so bad for you as mine was for me, or it might have been ten times worse! It really hurts when someone who has never BTDT tells you what they think you should have done, or what they think you did wrong. Just keep telling yourself they don't know anything about it. Treat them the same way you would treat a pediatrician who is telling you about formula feeding, he just doesn't know anything about breastfeeding, so what he has to say really doesn't matter, does it?

I really really hope nothing I have ever said to you hurt your feelings in any way, I never intended it to.
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Old 10-28-2005, 05:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sagesgirl
Why on Earth should it be assumed that support is not what is wanted? Shouldn't respect be the default reaction to any thread? I mean that there must be a special "support only" thread every month for c-sections makes it obvious what the usual reaction should be. Why should women have to stick to only one thread or risk being attacked? Why have members gone unsupported here so very often that they had to create their own thread to not be attacked?
this is an entirely different subject altogether, and perhaps deserving of its own thread, as I really want to reply, but not derail Heavenly's thread here.
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Old 10-28-2005, 05:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Heavenly
Ruthla wrote on the VBAC failure thread "I agree that CBAC shouldn't be considered a "VBAC Failure." Sometimes you do all you can to facilitate a VBAC and it just doesn't work out, or complications arise that make a surgical birth the safest option for both mother and baby(ies.) I would hate for a woman to feel unsupported at MDC because she was unable to have a vaginal birth." and I wanted to respond.

Yes I personally do feel unsupported on MDC because of my c-sections, especially my failed VBAC. I know many other women feel this way too. How many times has a person posted a c-section story and other people have picked it apart saying what the person should have done differently to avoid a c-section? One person was actually ignorant enough to say in response to a thread about planning a VBAC that if the person had planned a homebirth for their first they wouldn't be in this position. The arrogance! Yes I do get the impression that many women on here think they are better educated or stronger women than the ones who ended up with c-sections. As if we are just stupid and roll over and do whatever an OB tells us. And heaven forbid anyone on here ever claim their c-section was needed! People jump all over that just to make the person fell like sh!t and convince them why it wasn't really needed. It seems to me that it makes a lot of people feel better about themselves to convince themselves that they ended up with the perfect birth due to their education and womanly prowess and that those of us who ended up with c-sections didn't try hard enough. I am always reminded of the saying, "there but for the grace of God go I." I am sorry to sound so bitter but I know I speak for a lot of women on here (and I will understand if they do not want to speak up) when I say - Hell yeah we feel unsupported!

Dani, wife to Cullen - 9/2002, mom to CJ 11/2004, Billy 12/2007 and Nora 7/2009
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Old 10-28-2005, 05:18 PM
 
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s to everyone. I have felt the same way during my entire time here at MDC (Shawna, looks like we've both been "around" here for a long time)... the whole C birth thing is just a sore point; I think a lot of people here are not very gentle about it at *all*. Do y'all know about the cesarean support thread in Birth and Beyond? I've found that to be the least judgemental and most supportive and understanding place to talk about my cesarean (and even my VBAC). It doesn't matter whether your C was good or bad, whether you're planning a VBAC or a repeat with the next one--those women have been there. They get it.

I also urge you all, if you see someone violating the user agreement or just being rude to contact a moderator. The moderator can help mediate more appropriate responses. (I've done this several times.) This is part of the way we work on changing the culture here.

I don't really think that just speaking up yourself (to defend and/or explain yourself) works very well (IME). The arrogant/rude posters don't back down unless a neutral 3rd party (a mod) helps them see what's going on.

Also... I get really sick of explaining and defending my C... I stopped talking about the details a long time ago, but I will do it if pressed. I just feel like it's *unnecessary*. Why is it up to the put upon person to make the aggressor feel better??? Why do the others get the right to be rude and arrogant unless we ask them to stop??? (You know I love you, Claudia, but I disagree with you here. )

Also, FWIW, I haven't posted my VBAC story to the birth stories thread because I wasn't sure if it was "good enough"... (it *was* good enough for me--I avoided a repeat!!).
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Old 10-28-2005, 05:21 PM
 
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Just wanted to say that I support all of you mamas and your births. I am sorry that you have felt this way at MDC

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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Old 10-28-2005, 05:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by inezyv
It is annoying, it is insensitive, but some people are insecure enough that they have to show how their superior parenting triumphed over other mothers. If it isn't the birth, it's gonna be the fact their kid walked earlier or slept in her own bed earlier or whatever. That's just the way some people are...
Or the fact that their kid co-slept longer or nursed more often during the night or they nursed the most kids at once or wove all their own cloth diapers from the cotton plants in the backyard... "one-upmanship" comes in all forms!

I was very, very fortunate to have found a homebirth midwife for my first baby. I was in labor for 36 hours, and she was completely patient with me. Had I been in a hospital, I probably would have been "augmented" which could have ended in a c/s. My second baby might have been an "automatic c/s" because she was 9 lbs. I didn't have 3 homebirths because I'm "better" than anybody- I was very lucky! In other areas of my life I've been less fortunate.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 10-29-2005, 01:43 AM
 
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Look I am all for natural birth and all that. I really am.

But.....

Thank God for C-Sections.

They save the lives of mamas and babies. My sister and her split breech son being one of the many.

To put this in perspective, a woman dies in Afghanistan once every 30 minutes because of access to proper prenatal and L&D care. While I would like to see the C-Section rate in America lowered, I also want to be thankful that our women have options.

And I know what I am saying cannot not erase a bad birth experience (and I had a terrible go with my first one) I do feel it is important that women here know that they are loved, welcomed and supported no matter how their baby entered the world.

So welcome MDC mamas who have had C-births* wether they were "necessary" or not, they served the ultimate purpose of birthing your baby into the world. Might I suggest we follow Pamela England ala Birthing From Within's lead here and use language like "Cesarean Birth" to connect with the experience, vs. Cesearean Section which "sections" you off from the experience?
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Old 10-29-2005, 03:31 AM
 
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Might I suggest we follow Pamela England ala Birthing From Within's lead here and use language like "Cesarean Birth" to connect with the experience, vs. Cesearean Section which "sections" you off from the experience?
As I've said here before, other people can call it a birth if they want to. But, I have no desire to "connect with the experience" after the fact when I wasn't connected at the time.

And, I'm not trying to take away from the good that c-sections can do (I believe that I wouldn't be here without them, as I suspect my mom would have died in childbirth with my brother), but I don't think the causes of death in Afghanistan are as straightforward as not having good prenatal or L&D care. There have also been huge problems with malnutrition and I'm sure women lived with a lot of emotional trauma under the Taliban.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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Old 10-29-2005, 04:04 AM
 
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I dont mean to hijack but I just have to say, a friend of mine had a c/s and instead of saying "After I delivered" or "after I gave birth" or "After I had him" she says "After they c-sectioned me" ... (which of course is not a word but thats not the point) it makes me so mad. Whenever she says that I correct her and say, "You mean after you gave birth" ....
: I just wanted to address this-- I had an emergency c-section with my daughter, and while the experience was, on the whole, a positive healing one, adjusting after the delivery was a lot of work. 16 months later, I still don't feel like my daughter was born. I certainly didn't give birth to her. I had no labor, nothing that could be remotely construed as a contraction, and no pain at all-- there was absolutely nothing to signal to my body that I had made the transition from being pregnant to being a parent. The first time I saw my daughter, I was sort of surprised. I kept touching my belly for *months* afterwards, and when I'd wake up in the night and see her there I'd think, "If you're really mine, how the heck did you get *out*?" It was downright disorienting. It feels strange for me to say that she has a birthday. Sorry, but my daughter wasn't born. She was removed from my body. It wasn't forceful, it wasn't remotely painful, and it wasn't at all traumatic for me, but my daughter was removed from my body by a third party.

There was no "after I gave birth"-- there was "after my daughter arrived" or "after she was delivered from me." I don't feel a connection there. I'm not sure that I ever will. It was fully a year before I could talk about my daughter being "born by c-section," and it still doesn't come naturally to me. My daughter was delivered, and she is much appreciated and loved, but she was not born and having someone tell me to refer to her "birth" as a birth or as me giving birth just seems... well, entirely wrong.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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Old 10-29-2005, 10:18 AM
 
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No - she means the day she was c-sectioned. Trying to make her feel as though she gave birth when she doesn't feel that way is no more fair than someone trying to make you feel that you didn't. I hate it when people say I gave birth to my babies. I hate it more than I can say.
I understand what youare saying, but this person does not mind that she had a c/s and thinks it was a great thing. We have talked about it many many times.
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Old 10-29-2005, 02:30 PM
 
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Then, why does she say "after they c-sectioned me"?

If she's okay with it, that's fine. I just found the "I correct her and say..." thing very frustrating. To me (not saying it applies to your friend), there's no correction to be made. OB's have magazines in their offices with stuff in them about how "moms who give birth by cesarean have still given birth" - the first time I read it, I felt as though I'd been punched in the gut (again). To me, that's completely denying the experience I had. I did not give birth to any of my children - they were cut away from a part of my body that had no feeling...in one case, I was unconscious. I feel a strong connection to my babies, which has been strengthened by nursing. But, I feel no connection to their arrival in this world...none at all. My children's birthdays were three of the worst days of my entire life, and it hurts to have people tell me that I should be proud of my courage or that I gave birth or any of the rest of it. My children were cut from me like a malignant tumour - they weren't birthed by me.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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Old 10-29-2005, 02:31 PM
 
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I think the main issue here is that women's birth experiences and their feelings about those experiences are often invalidated by others who don't understand. THAT, right there, is the problem. We need to respect other women, and their feelings.

I did not give birth to my first DD. I had nothing to do with the process at all. The doctor ripped her out of a bloody gash in my belly. Don't try to tell me otherwise. That is MY experience, and that is how I feel about it. It has nothing to do with your experience, and nothing to do with how you feel or how you should feel about your own experience. Likewise, how you feel or what you say about your experience has nothing to do with me or my feelings or my experience, either. It's hard to remember this, especiallly online, and especially when it's a subject so full of all sorts of high emotions as c-sections are.

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Old 10-29-2005, 02:42 PM
 
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subscribing...

I had both of my kids by c-section and *always* feel that I have to justify that I didn't just blindly follow someone else's orders; I was actively involved in the births in spite of the surgery. I have been hesitant to discuss my births here (as well as other places) because I don't want to have a bunch of people who weren't involved in them "critique" decisions that I made at the time.

Thanks for starting this thread.
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