I haven't been back here since my failed VBAC on 1-8. I have been in a depression since then. It has gotten bad enough that I finally went to therapy & since she really doesn't understand this, I thought I would post here. I need to try to heal. Sorry this is so long..
My daughter, Georgia, was born via section April '04. She was 9lb13 & 19". I went to a birthing center & I got "too big" & got kicked to the hospital. I went into labor, labor stoped, my water got broken during a check, had to go to the hospital & the lame-ass doctor said I needed a section. I thought I was prepared, but not enough to know that I could have said "NO!"
So when I found out I was pregnant this time, I found a group of midwives to let me do a VBAC. I respect my DH as partner, & he was not at all comfortable w/homebirth much less U/C, so I would VBAC in the hospital. I read everything I could on VBAC, was here at Mothering a lot, I went to ICAN meetings. I put ALL my eggs in one basket.
I go into labor on 2 weeks after my EDD (I was actually 3 weeks "overdue" according to my LMP, but I kept that to myself!). My plan was to labor at home until transition & then go. Well, I thought I was in transition, & I turned out to be dehydrated, which made the contractions worse (I threw up a lot during contractions & tried to replenish, but obviously didn't). So I get to the hospital & was at a 4! Labor crept by, but I was able to manage. I did take IV fluids, since I wasn't keeping anything down. My water had broken. I walked the floors & bounced on my ball. I took an enima. After about 40 hours of labor the midwife introduced the idea of pitocin. I was tired, but I could have kept going. I wanted to have my baby! How stupid was I! So, I told my husband & midwife to question me if I ask for drugs. Well, I asked for the drugs. The pit got me and I could not get on top of my contractions! They gave me something to take the edge off & I could still feel the peaks. At that point I didn't care, I couldn't take this intense pain. I got the epidural & rested some until I woke up to the urge to push. I start pushing and was still pushing 2 hours later. At this point they are talking c-sec. The baby's heart rate was staying ellivated & I had a fever (I'm sure from my choices of intervention!). The baby wasn't desending. I was trying every position I could think of. They thought it would hurt the baby to use the forceps or suction. I finally gave up the fight. This was for the health of my baby after all and his little heart rate was too high continuosly. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want anyone to talk to me, I wanted to die! I kept my eyes closed during surgery so no one would try talking to me. I remeber the docs & nurses just having conversations about there lives while they were cutting me open and taking my child from me (9lb 8 & 21"). When they got my little boy out & brought him to me, I remember reacting to him, just so my husband wouldn't think I was a monster. Recovery was a bitch - maybe my 52 hour labor then major surgery had something to do with that. I know my emotional state did. I hurt so badly & I couldn't even hold my 21 month old!
I was ennemic (sp?) when I left the hospital, so I had to take iron, which made my BM's suck. I didn't stop wearing a panty liner until 3 months after the birth. My stomach just hangs. We had planning on having 4 kids, & I'm done now after going through this. I started losing my cool w/my toddler & started yelling at her. Yes, I fell in love with my son, but it took some time. I resented him at first. My husband has tried to understand, but can't & wonders why I can't get over it. I had a strong sprituality & I am so angry at God now (actually my therapist said I am enraged). I am an alcoholic & started drinking some again. I am eating obsessively & have managed to gain 5 lb while breast feeding. I do not want to talk to other women about there birth & births on TV upset me to tears. I am so unhappy w/ my body (regardless of how many times my dh compliments me). And my house is usually a mess now. I can honestly say that my home is very sad place to be right now. And I don't want to bring my children up in this! Regardless of how God, my own choices & the idiot doctors have brought me down, my children deserve a happy home and a happy mother. But, I have sought help, but I don't think there are any VBAC therapists, so that is why I am posting.
Is there anyone out there that has struggled like this?
wife to Keith since 5/01 - mother to Georgia 4/04 & Bishop 1/06
Rachel~wife to Keith since 5/01~mother to Georgia since 4/04~Bishop since 1/06~Zoe since 11/07 (my HBA2C!)~EDD 2/14/10 w/Baby surprise #4