Moving Beyond Birth Experience? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 26 Old 06-13-2006, 02:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
lauraheartslittle1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 373
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's been over a year since I gave birth. Basically, my labor and delivery could be the intervention begets more intervention cautionary tale. I was induced because of low amniotic fluid one evening, was given sleeping medicine (which left me unable to see anything but swirly colors - let alone to focus on making it through contractions) because I "needed" rest before having a baby, had no labor support, was told at 2AM that the *only* pain medicine I could receive was an epidural, reluctantly gave in and accepted the epidural, spent the next morning in a haze, fetal distress, uterine infection, and a c-section about 18-19 hours after the whole ordeal began. Somewhere between 2pm on one day and 2pm the next day, the baby had turned transverse... hence the failure to progress... I'm guessing it happened somewhere about the point that the baby went into distress.

I still have major regrets about the experience. Everyone keeps telling me, "but you had a healthy baby." And that is true. I love my dc more than anything/anyone else in the world. But I need to find a way to move on from this.

In the future when/if I have other children, I will fight tooth and nail for a vbac. But I feel that I need some sort of closure for the whole birth experience being nothing like what I had desired.

How have you all gained closure?

(Sorry if this is the wrong forum... I just couldn't really figure out which one to put this into).
lauraheartslittle1 is offline  
#2 of 26 Old 06-13-2006, 02:59 AM
 
indiemamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Mesa, AZ
Posts: 172
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry about your experience... and I know what you mean. After the birth of my DS, I would dream of it over and over and how I would do things differently. I don't think I'm "over" it yet, but I do know that talking about it with several different people who understand that its deeper than just having a healthy baby helped me a lot. Also I needed to write out the whole story... every single thing that I can remember about my labor so that I can read it over and over. Its almost like being able to talk about it with myself. Each time I read it I add something different (I just keep it saved on my computer as a Word Doc). Lastly, holding my son and telling him the story while I snuggle each little bit of him helps me more than anything. He loves me and doesn't hold it against me that I "gave in" and didn't have the perfect birth that I dreamed of. Your son probably feels the same way .

28-year-old SAH/Homeschooling Mamma to DS5, DD3, DS16mo. Helpmeet to DH since 2003. TTC #4!
indiemamma is offline  
#3 of 26 Old 06-13-2006, 10:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
lauraheartslittle1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 373
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks, Indiemama. That is a wonderful idea.
lauraheartslittle1 is offline  
#4 of 26 Old 06-14-2006, 02:21 AM
 
pampered_mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somewhere short of crazy
Posts: 4,535
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lauraheartslittle1
I still have major regrets about the experience. Everyone keeps telling me, "but you had a healthy baby." And that is true. I love my dc more than anything/anyone else in the world. But I need to find a way to move on from this.
I'm a firm believer that the "all that matters is a healthy baby" is not all that matters. It would be nice if that was the case, but it's not. A healthy mom is important too! As to how you can work through your feelings? I definitely suggest that you head on over to ICAN (www.ican-online.org) and sign up for their email list. It's a great way to talk about your feelings and know that there are so many others out there that know exactly what you mean. You may also consider attending a local chapter meeting if there is one in your area. That's another great resouce to help you in processing. I also really like a website called "Birth Matters" (www.birthtruth.org) because it's from the perspective of one whose been there!
pampered_mom is offline  
#5 of 26 Old 06-14-2006, 11:16 AM
 
megjo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 155
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry. I too had a C/S and was traumatized by it...and everyone said, "but you have a healthy baby.." That comment really doesn't help. The best thing I did was surround myself with people that have been through it. Talk about it, and vent about it. You can do it here! For me, time passing by eased the pain little by little. When I became pregnant (unexpectedly) with my second one, I studied and researched as much about a vbac as I could so that I was "armed" with information when I went to see my OB/Midwife. The vaginal birth of my second one closed the door to the traumatic effects of my first birth. I had my children sort of close, 18 months apart. I would have liked to heal before I got pregnant again because I felt so much anxiety about my upcoming vbac.

Remember to be good to yourself. I believe that if you are suffering, you can't just convince yourself you are okay because everyone expects you to be okay. Feel what you feel. I hope this helps.
megjo is offline  
#6 of 26 Old 06-15-2006, 09:00 PM
 
blissfish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Poh-land
Posts: 1,719
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Another post c/s mama seeking healing here. I'm preg w/ my 2nd child and am trying to find something...well, maybe not closure, since that experience will always be what it was, but...a place to move on from. To that end, I'm trying some craniosacral therapy with a local midwife/craniosacral practitioner who specializes in this particular kind of "healing". My 1st appt. isn't until the 21st, but I'd love to pm you with how successful or no I feel that practice was for me.

My heart goes out to you. Best of luck in this period of processing.

read.gif, mom to wild.gif and dust.gif, partner to malesling.GIF
blissfish is offline  
#7 of 26 Old 06-16-2006, 03:13 PM
 
jen6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 56
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Same thing for me. I am pregnant with number 2, due in mid-July, and really struggling to put my traumatic c-section behind me. I think both my husband and OB want me to be "past" it, but I'm just not. Part of my struggle is in my rational mind. I think that if I can understand fully what happened, I can prevent it happening again, so I just keep reading and reading and making myself crazy. The other part of my struggle is just flat out fear that I will go through it again and maybe not be able to handle it. This comes through in a need to fully plan for every possible outcome, which you obviously can't do. I am finding all of this exhausting, and certainly not conducive to relaxing before the birth.

All the best to you in finding an answer for yourself, I wish I had more than just empathy to offer.
jen6 is offline  
#8 of 26 Old 06-16-2006, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
lauraheartslittle1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 373
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rsatz
Another post c/s mama seeking healing here. I'm preg w/ my 2nd child and am trying to find something...well, maybe not closure, since that experience will always be what it was, but...a place to move on from. To that end, I'm trying some craniosacral therapy with a local midwife/craniosacral practitioner who specializes in this particular kind of "healing". My 1st appt. isn't until the 21st, but I'd love to pm you with how successful or no I feel that practice was for me.

My heart goes out to you. Best of luck in this period of processing.
Please do, I would love to hear how it goes.

Thank you mamas for the advice. I think what frustrates me more than anything about the "at least you have a healthy baby" comment is that it is coming from women who never had a c-section. Most of them are "I went into labor and 4 hours later, I had a baby" types.

I will definitely check into ICAN. I spoke with another mama recently who had a section and went on to have multiple healthy v-bacs. Her story made me feel much better.

Again... thanks for sharing mamas.
lauraheartslittle1 is offline  
#9 of 26 Old 06-16-2006, 05:45 PM
 
megjo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 155
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
The other part of my struggle is just flat out fear that I will go through it again and maybe not be able to handle it.
I so totally understand that. I can only hope for the best for you. Maybe meditation, relaxation??? Do you have your medical records? Do you know what happened? That might be the first step...
megjo is offline  
#10 of 26 Old 06-16-2006, 06:00 PM
 
mother culture's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Grass Valley CA
Posts: 1,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had a HB transfer and lots of intervention + NB NICU and It took until my second child was born at home ....even though I had a postpartum hemorhage and a ambulance ride.... I was just so proud that he was born at home, I felt great and justified. And with the HB of my 3rd I began taking responsibility for letting them mess with my first birth and now I blame only myself for being fooled. Just keep talking about it and take responsibility that is the only think that worked for me.

Kiya- Mama to 3 growing Son's. Waldorf joy.gifDoula  hug.gif  Making Recycled Woolens and Trainers every spare moment.
mother culture is offline  
#11 of 26 Old 06-16-2006, 09:34 PM
 
MAMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,472
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wrote my son's birth story (which was really hard to do) and sought counseling before getting pregnant again.

I got each and every page of my medical records (they only sent partial records the first time I requested them even though I specified *complete* records) and reviewed them several times.

I educated myself about low amniotic fluid (also why I had induction & ultimately had c-section) and came to the realization that the induction was likely unnecessary, or at the very least, since the rest of my biophysical profile was great, the amniotic levels should have been tested again the next day. That made me even angrier.

I planned a homebirth for my 2nd pregnancy and had a beautiful VBAC in the privacy of my own home, with a midwife, her assistant, a doula, a friend and my husband.

The VBAC did not take away the pain of my c-section experience, but it did soothe the intensity of my anger some.

I hate that I'm part of the c-section statistic. I was extremely educated about childbirth & the risks of medicalized birth. I was planning a non-medicated birth at a free-standing birth center. But when it came down to it, unfortunately the "midwives" I was working with were medwifes & ultimately used the same tactics I probably would have received if I had started out at the hospital (you're endangering your baby...) I was strong-armed into the induction, even though I "consented" to it.

The thing I severely regret about my first birth is not hiring a doula...I didn't think I needed one b/c I was delivering at a birth center. I think EVERYONE should have a good doula, no matter where you're birthing!

A book that was very helpful to me was Birth as a Healing Experience:
The Emotional Journey of Pregnancy Through Postpartum

by Lois Halzel Freedman

___________________________________
SAHM to a spectacular DS (5/2003) & delightful DD (2/2006 HBAC!)
“You never know when you are making a memory.” ~ Rickie Lee Jones
MAMom is offline  
#12 of 26 Old 06-16-2006, 10:35 PM
 
Attached Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,837
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had a c/s 11 months ago and am nowhere near done processing it and getting past it - we moved 5 wks after DD was born to another state, our housing fell thru, I ended up with family on the other side of the state - only saw DH on weekends, and my aunt was very unsupportive of my AP and BF. Then we movd closer staying with DH's old uncle - who didn't want us there - until we closed on our house which also fell thru. Needless to say it was one disaster after another. I shut down emotionally - only remaining open to my baby. It was my way of survival. I have had noone to talk to about the cs and can't wait til we move back up N in 6 wks so I can talk to a midwife there. I already contacted homebirth midwives where we will be living and she was very happy to tell me to make an apt when i get settled and they would love to help me thru all this b4 I ever even try to conceive #2.
Attached Mama is offline  
#13 of 26 Old 06-21-2006, 02:29 AM
 
misseks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: the more you near your destination
Posts: 1,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Talk talk talk talk.
Write write write write everything, Every time your emotions changes, write it down. For the first few weeks after dd was born (belly-birth) I kept saying, "I was expecting to feel more detached, I'm really glad that I felt like I was there.' But as the months wore on, I got more and more sad about the whole thing, and I even felt like I wasn't a good mother and my dd knew that I had screwed up.

In fact it all came to head just before dd2 was born b/c there was the lurking threat of another c/s. I screamed and cried adn became a little hysterical and relived it all...and wrote it down. Journallg, I find really helps. And MDC.

And remember, as you grow from it and away from it, you won't necessarily feel better about the c/s, but hopefully you will see how amazing you are that you had a rough start and are still a fabulous incredible focused Mother.

Kate: fumbling through the best years with W, L, F & V...newest arrival coming Jan '11
misseks is offline  
#14 of 26 Old 06-22-2006, 03:38 PM
 
namjaball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Ca
Posts: 14
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, how I need this thread right now. I had an unplanned and completely unexpected c/s two months ago. I went into my pregnancy confident that I would have a totally naural birth with no complications. I did my reading, hired a doula, and took hypnobirthing classes. I was induced after my water broke because my contractions did not start. I labored for 30 hours unmedicated as the pitocin was cranked up and up. Took the epi because pitocin was going to be cranked up again. Three hours later I began pushing, and three hours of pushing led to c/s. DD was posterior and head tilted. My dream of a natural birth was crushed. I did feel good about going for so long without an epi, but I feel like the whole thing was just not right. So I thought I had put the whole thing behind me and moved on into motherhood, but it recently just slapped me in the face. My wonderful SIL, who I adore, just had a wonderful waterbirth in her home. Her labor was about two hours and was everything that she hoped for. I am truly so happy for her, but it has brought up a lot of emotions about my own birth. It makes me so sad that I couldn't have had the same experience. All I wanted was to see my baby emerge into this world. I couldn't see anything except the ceiling in the OR. It has really awakened some strong emotions of anger and sadness that I wasn't aware I was holding on to. I don't really know what to do. When I talk to my DH about it he reassures me that I did a wonderful job, but he just doesn't understand how I am feeling. I don't even know what he could say to make me feel better. I really need to deal with this before we have another babe. Part of me is terrified that it will happen again, and the other side of me is mad that I didn't go with my instinct and stay away from the hospital. I truly feel like everything could have been avoided if I was allowed to go into labor naturally. I'm just feeling extremely bad that all I can think about in this time of happiness is how wrong my own birth was. I cried when I found out about her birth, because I was happy for her and sad that I wasn't able to experience a wonderful birth.
namjaball is offline  
#15 of 26 Old 06-22-2006, 03:45 PM
 
warrior mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 800
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
namjaball - I can totally relate to your story. I friend of mine had a great natural birth about 3 months after I had my c-section. I was consumed with the unfairness of it all yet I was so happy for her. Such conflicting emotions can be so hard to deal with. I truely believe giving up the idea of control can help
warrior mama is offline  
#16 of 26 Old 06-22-2006, 03:57 PM
 
namjaball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Ca
Posts: 14
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Warrior mama- Did you ever talk to your friend about how you where feeling? My SIL and I are great friends and she is who I talk to about pregnancy/motherhood. So I feel a little lost not being able to talk to her about it. Have you done anything to prepare for your next birth? The beauty about my birth was that it was my first and I truly thought that the pain of a pitocin, induced, 30 hour labor was normal. I had no fear going into it or through it at all. Now I feel full of fear and I really don't think I can go through the same thing again. I really want a homebirth next time but I am scared that I might have a repeat of what happened. I know that's silly and I have to trust my body, but I just feel very insecure about my ability. I just don't have the positive confidence I had going into dd birth.
namjaball is offline  
#17 of 26 Old 06-23-2006, 12:13 PM
 
jen6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 56
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by warrior mama
namjaball - Such conflicting emotions can be so hard to deal with. I truely believe giving up the idea of control can help
Namjaball, I think this is an excellent piece of advice, but also would encourage you to take your time in processing your experience. Even though my c-section was five years ago-(and pretty much reads like yours BTW, including 26 hours of labor, tetonic contractions with pitocin, an epidural that didn't work, checked out medwife, etc)-I am still processing the feelings and getting to the heart of the lasting impact of the trauma.

Some areas that were helpful for me to think about were:

1) insensitve comments and how to not internalize them.....
2) learning from the experience, taking charge of the next birth, but not taking on all the blame/responsibility/guilt for what happened
3)seeing each birth as its own event
4)breaking the experience down into parts and looking at the areas that were most distressing (drawing really helped me to do this)---e.g., for me, it was kind of surprising that when I dug deeper, the fact they took my son away unnecessarily to the NICU was the single most traumatic part of the whole experience, and not the physical torture they put me through on the pitocin. Oddly enough, once I realized I could and would prevent this from happening next time, my grief lessened. There are lots of things that you can do the 2nd time to make it different, this is an absolute!!
5) question the "dramatized" birth experience that we are steeped in from little on...whether it is the screaming woman or the woman bathed in golden light with her baby sliding out into the waiting arms of her partner You birthed a baby, and did it under incredibly difficult circumstances, don't let other people take that away from you, and don't take it away from yourself.

Final thought, talk to your SIL. Maybe see it as an opportunity to confess your envy, but also maybe a chance to share what you did appreciate about your birth. For example, you are incredibly strong, there is NO DOUBT about that. For me, it was realizing a long time after the birth how strong my maternal drive must have been to insist after all that craziness that they wheel me down to the NICU to hold my baby and not taking no for an answer. I marvel at that. Or how about the fact that your body grew a baby and brought it into the world, which often times gets lost in the whole c-section experience.

I am due to VBAC with an EDD of July 15, 2006. It has been a long journey to get here and feel capable and positive. You can do it! YOU CAN!
jen6 is offline  
#18 of 26 Old 06-23-2006, 01:05 PM
 
Mynn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: any port in a storm ...
Posts: 452
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:
Mynn is offline  
#19 of 26 Old 06-24-2006, 02:20 AM
 
misseks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: the more you near your destination
Posts: 1,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
[QUOTE=namjaball]I am truly so happy for her, but it has brought up a lot of emotions about my own birth. It makes me so sad that I couldn't have had the same experience. All I wanted was to see my baby emerge into this world. I couldn't see anything except the ceiling in the OR. It has really awakened some strong emotions of anger and sadness that I wasn't aware I was holding on to.QUOTE]

I found with my c/s that I didn't start to feel really badly about it until about 4 months, and then I slowed down on bf and become very hard on myself - I was always thinking things like

my daughter hates me
she is frightened all the time
she doesn't trust me etc....

Now that I have dd#2 I know that babies just become more vocal around that age! BUt I relate to the factthat it is hard to forgive yourself for being separated from your baby, and from not being the one to lift her into the world. My dh (trying to fill me in) told me how the OB had to put her finger in my baby's mouth and shoe-horn her out...how violent! Yikes! But the truth is, my dd isn't angry with me, and I talk to her about it. SHe is 22 mos and I say things to her like, Remeber when you were born? We were so excited and mommy adn daddy let the doctor bring you out so that there wouldn't be any more worries about you. She says, Yah. And I say, That might have been a bit scary, but we are always with you, and we were with you then too. She says, Yah. I don't know how much she remembers but I think it is important for me to tell her how lovingly we were holding her with our hearts...it is healing to say the words...You know, mommy was scared a bit too, but we were brave together.

Be gentle with yourself, You have a lot of mothering to do! This is just one of the first herdles(sp?) in this very challenging role we have each accepted.

Kate: fumbling through the best years with W, L, F & V...newest arrival coming Jan '11
misseks is offline  
#20 of 26 Old 06-24-2006, 03:14 AM
 
hilaryj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Astoria, OR
Posts: 34
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thank you mamas for holding this space.
It has been very healing for me to read your stories. I am still processing my c/s from 6 months ago. And although I have worked through a lot, I feel like a have more to heal.
hilaryj is offline  
#21 of 26 Old 06-24-2006, 04:47 AM
 
namjaball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Ca
Posts: 14
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Jen6- thanks for the words of wisdom and I wish you all the best for your upcoming birth. I am so grateful that the only seperation I had with dd was in the OR. She was next to me but I couldn't hold her because of the drugs. It must have been really hard for you to be separated. Right back at you with the YOU CAN DO IT!
Misseks- I think you're right about talking to DD about the experience. Even though DD is only 2 months, I have had talks with her and told her how I tried really hard to get her out and that I know she tried hard to. It sounds silly, but it makes me feel better to let her know that she did a good job.

Just writing has made me feel much better about my birth. It's easy to succumb to fear. I realize that I can't lose focus on what I did accomplish in my birth. I think anything less than what I already experienced will feel like a piece of cake. I just need to find the fire within me that I had going into birth last time. I think the confidence will come with time and by researching and educating to make sure I do everything I can to make my next birth as smooth as possible.
namjaball is offline  
#22 of 26 Old 06-24-2006, 09:20 AM
 
jkiss75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 12
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so glad for this post, I am really good at ignoring my feelings, but this time I can't if I want to have another baby.

I too started at home then transferred for a c/s. I luckily was treated fantasticly during the c/s and have zero complaints about the hospital. We drove an extra 20 minutes to a small town hospital that my mid-wife has a good working relationship with.

my guilt is with myself and how I contributed to the c/s. When the contractions started everything went so fast and I was so out of it, I was a total zombie. I think I panicked and maybe started to push to soon and it is my fault baby girl moved into an anterior and asynclitic position. My midwife was ready to transfer because baby was starting to develop a huge caput and she was just not moving no matter what we tried.

I just can't stop beating myself up...I am not mad at having the c/s I really feel like it is my fault baby got stuck, I really feel like I might have rushed the pushing. The CNM (who is a former mid-wife) at the hospital who assisted in the c/s told me she was really, really stuck they even had a hard time getting her out.

I just really feel like it is my fault and I want re-do.
jkiss75 is offline  
#23 of 26 Old 06-24-2006, 01:07 PM
 
starparticle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: In the lichen and moss.
Posts: 707
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ICAN meetings! Seriously, nothing better than a room full of women who feel the same way.

Ditto what others have said: writing & talking talking talking about it.
starparticle is offline  
#24 of 26 Old 06-24-2006, 04:35 PM
 
Lkg4dmcrc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 379
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jen6

Some areas that were helpful for me to think about were:

1) insensitve comments and how to not internalize them.....
2) learning from the experience, taking charge of the next birth, but not taking on all the blame/responsibility/guilt for what happened
3)seeing each birth as its own event
4)breaking the experience down into parts and looking at the areas that were most distressing (drawing really helped me to do this)---e.g., for me, it was kind of surprising that when I dug deeper, the fact they took my son away unnecessarily to the NICU was the single most traumatic part of the whole experience, and not the physical torture they put me through on the pitocin. Oddly enough, once I realized I could and would prevent this from happening next time, my grief lessened. There are lots of things that you can do the 2nd time to make it different, this is an absolute!!
5) question the "dramatized" birth experience that we are steeped in from little on...whether it is the screaming woman or the woman bathed in golden light with her baby sliding out into the waiting arms of her partner You birthed a baby, and did it under incredibly difficult circumstances, don't let other people take that away from you, and don't take it away from yourself.
This is a very helpful thread. I have been reading and writing tons and it surprises me how much I haven't thought about yet and still need to work on. These are especially helpful and I wonder how you do take insensitive comments and not internalize them? Or "question the "dramatized" birth experience that we are steeped in from little on...whether it is the screaming woman or the woman bathed in golden light with her baby sliding out into the waiting arms of her partner You birthed a baby, and did it under incredibly difficult circumstances, don't let other people take that away from you, and don't take it away from yourself."? How have other people found peace with insensitive comments or peace with not letting others take away from your birthing a baby?
Lkg4dmcrc is offline  
#25 of 26 Old 06-24-2006, 09:24 PM
 
grumpyshoegirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This thread is so appropriate and timely. I think I need to write more to process mine, too.

I was soooooo convinced I'd never end up with a section. I was going around pregnant telling everyone that it just wasn't an option for me, that I'd never consent to it, that we already knew the baby wasn't breech so that was that. I had hired a doula and was seeing a DO and a MW at the group practice (the only game in town, as it turns out) that delivers at the local hospital. I had a library of natural-birth books to inspire me. I was going for prenatal massage, doing my kegels, eating very well, exercising, in short, doing everything right.

Then 41 weeks hit and they started talking induction. Which upset me. When I was scheduled to go in, I thought I could get the cervical ripening gel, go home and then just not come back in if I decided I didn't want pitocin. Turns out they don't allow that, which they didn't tell me until I was already in! I should have just left on the spot and never returned, but I didn't, and then when the gel didn't work and they rescheduled me, I stupidly went back. At that point I'd been in labor (slow, early labor) almost 48 hours. I didn't think pit augmentation would hurt. But my labor never progressed after two days on pit. Some was due to baby's positioning, and I'm sure some was due to stress. At the end of the second day in the hospital, when an exam showed me stuck at 1cm, we tearfully agreed to a c-section.

Of course it was medically unnecessary. No distress and the baby was only 6lbs 14oz, so not a case of CPD by any stretch. At the time I felt satisfied but now I'm not so sure, and I'm very angry at myself and the practice. I thought I was prepared, but in the end I went along with everything because I didn't want to make waves.

Next time around I'll be planning a HBAC but every time I get all psyched up for one, I get nervous about uterine rupture. I'm worried that I'm so bent on a VBAC that I'll put it on some kind of pedestal and be even more upset if I end up with a repeat section for whatever reason. It's become more of an issue lately because I had been totally numb in the scar area but now feeling is coming back, and it's pretty much all painful feeling

Sorry if that was somewhat thread-hijacking. You're certainly not alone in feeling bad about your birth experience. I really think talking and writing about it, over and over, helps immensely.
grumpyshoegirl is offline  
#26 of 26 Old 06-25-2006, 01:25 AM
 
jen6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 56
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
[QUOTE=Lkg4dmcrc]This is a very helpful thread. I have been reading and writing tons and it surprises me how much I haven't thought about yet and still need to work on. These are especially helpful and I wonder how you do take insensitive comments and not internalize them? Or "question the "dramatized" birth experience that we are steeped in from little on...whether it is the screaming woman or the woman bathed in golden light with her baby sliding out into the waiting arms of her partner

I can try and expand on what I mean, and maybe it will help. I should say that I dont' think c-sections have to be inherently traumatic. Sometimes they are necessary and are done sensitively. This just wasn't the case with me.....

Insensitive comments: Overtime, I just came to realize that the comments people make are about their agendas, not your experience. And that oftentimes, when something happens that is so upsetting to someone else, people just don't want to deal with it/hear about it. They feel the need to say something, but very seldom think about the underlying assumptions.

I remember an old friend saying upon hearing about my birth experience, "Well, maybe you were paying off some kharmic debt." What he meant by this was that I had done something awful in a prior life and therefore deserved to have to pay for it in this one with a horrible experience. Hmmmmm, um, no. At the time he said it, I was so steeped in thinking I somehow deserved what happened to me, that I was just a sucker for this kind of crap. I think this stemmed from really trying to have more control over what happened to me than I really did or could have, which translates into taking responsibility for things that were just not within my ability to impact, e.g., the midwife from hell was on and was pissed, I was delivering on a holiday, etc.

Or there was the woman I met while breastfeeding at a restaurant with my brand new baby. Agenda, she felt really isolated in the conservative community we were both living in at the time, and wanted desperately to bond with soemone she perceived to be "like her." She excitedly came up to me and said something along the lines of, "It is so great to see someone else breastfeeding in public. Don't you think natural babies do so much better. People who have drugs or c-sections, I just don't get it." Well actually strange woman I did have a c-section and am really struggling with it. She gave me her number, and I never called her.

Then there is the infamous, "Well you have a healthyl baby, that is all that matters." Because so many c-sections aren't really about the baby's health, this comment is just so infuriating. It is like having your foot cut off for a bunion, and someone saying, "Well at least you have the other foot." Well actually, I would have preferred both feet thanks. Well actually, I would have preferred a healthy baby and a healthy mind and body, thanks. Agenda, I guess I just think that people don't know how to handle the trauma of the topic and so say stupid things. If you stop expecting the average person to understand, you are less likely to take their stupid comments to heart.

As far as the romanticized birth thing.......I think an ecstatic birth is possible, but I question the wisdom of assuming that this is the only worthy outcome or way of getting to a "good" birth. For example, some people talk about how great/inspirational their partner was, this was not my experience. I think we both did the best we could, under very trying circumstances. If I hold him up to a romantic ideal, he falls short. If I see him as a poor guy that watched someone he loved be tortured and felt helpless, well, I think I can be a little more understanding. Or there is a good friend of mine who raved about her birth center experience, and I was soooo envious. Over time, it comes out that she had a lot of ups and downs in her birthing road as well, but didn't feel comfortable talking about it initially. This only came out later.

At the end of the day, you have to get from point A to point B, some people take the scenic road, some people take the highway. I think I've come to realize, I am just happy not to crash on this one. I know this may sound horrible to some people, but I just want my VBAC to be about feeling respected as a human being. This might seem like a low goal for people, but for me it is about setting a goal I think is possible, and feeling a sense of accomplishment based on that. Only you really ultimately know the best way to get there for you, the Birth Channel doesn't have a clue!!!

Don't know if any of this makes sense, but there ya' go.
jen6 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off