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#31 of 41 Old 10-04-2006, 03:19 PM
 
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I have done 4 VBACs now and each one I am more and more in control. LIve and learn I guess

You can do this!

I wish there was a way to encourage your DH to read more about homebirths that are good. Can your M/W friend come over for dinner one night and talk to you both about her experiences?


Good Luck!
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#32 of 41 Old 10-04-2006, 04:13 PM
 
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I was thinking the same thing as Jyostna. Could you find a free-standing birthing center somewhere not too far away - Alexandria, VA might have one, and I'm pretty sure there's one in Maryland - where you could go to stay for awhile and give birth?

With his behavior, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me at this point.
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#33 of 41 Old 10-04-2006, 04:47 PM
 
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Wow, that is really outrageous behavior on the part of your husband. Him trying to control you, especially when he knows that you have a history of abuse, of men also controlling and violating you, just seems like outrageous emotional abuse.

My first thought was counseling...but as you said, it's probably too late for that and also he's got be very open to it, which he isn't. If he is absolutely unwilling to be flexible about anything...I'd be very careful about involving him at all. He COULD call CPS and they COULD come out, and even though you would be doing nothing legally wrong (as you aren't abusing a child, you are making a birth choice about an unborn fetus, plus are exercising your informed consent for medical care). But all that would be defenses, if some crazy CPS worker decides to be a lone ranger, they really COULD drag you into a hospital and, under some circumstances, they could do medical treatment on you against your will and your only recourse would be tort law after the fact. So I agree that you might need to find some other, safe, protected place to labor and/or birth. Are there any hotels you could stay at nearby, perhaps with a nice hottub (properly sterilized, of course?) Or do you have any friends?

I had a hb for my second, after a hbtransfer for my first, and was estranged from my husband (now ex). I was living with my mother, who has a tendency to be unreliable in emergencies, and when I induced labor with castor oil at 42 weeks (to retain my midwife's care and homebirth), she went ballistic. She was screaming, yelling, just awful... Luckily, my sister lived nearby, and we went to her house, which was a situation-saver. My hb went well insulated from my mother's antics, and though it wasn't what I had planned (and I had no idea in advance that my mom would do that) I was sooo glad to have a safe place to go. I would urge you at least to consider getting a safe place to hide, just in case, because your husband sounds like a loose cannon ready to shoot. Dangerous. And definitely NOT looking out for your best interests or your child's best interests, or he'd know that the mother's mental state and safe birthing is the most important thing to the child's safe birthing. Hugs and good luck!!!
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#34 of 41 Old 10-04-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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I have read the OP, but not the comments, so maybe this has already come up.

When you go into labor, don't tell him. Go "out shopping" or "out for coffee" or whatever gets you out by yourself. Have the support people that you feel comfortable with meet you at a hotel. Have the "home"birth that you deserve there.
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#35 of 41 Old 10-04-2006, 08:05 PM
 
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Hi mama - I apologize for butting in....... .......but I happened upon your thread early this morning, and felt drawn to come back here tonight.

One of the things that struck me about your story was: why a man, who knows your history with men.....a man who is supposed to be your best confidant.....would try to bully you into something you clearly do not want. And you, a strong woman with a VAST experience in childbearing. It just isn't right. I picture him calling CPS and.......saying what? That the woman he supposedly loves is harming his child? This would be a lie. And what other lies would he tell to get what he wants?

I think where you are at emotionally is wonderful right now - not to worry about being angry or what someone else might do. Stay with that! But I would also consider laboring and birthing your child ANYWHERE where he is not present. The midwife's house, a close female friend's house, even a hotel hidden away.....though the ideal is probably to birth in one's own dwelling, yours comes with this man who is the antithesis of support. My wish for you would be a private, peaceful birth without this man. As long as your babe has not been born yet, there is time to continue your journey & make decisions.

Whatever you choose, I'm sending you strong, peaceful vibes & I hope you have a beautiful birth.

Greenlee's Forest *intentional jewelry* a secret Journal locket!
Me My Blog Mama to 7 babes & four spirit babies
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#36 of 41 Old 10-04-2006, 09:16 PM
 
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In this case, I agree with pamperedmom: NVNV. That may be no way to run a marriage, but neither are threats and strong-arming. Also, I know you don't have much time left, but I wonder if he might change his mind if you made life absolutely unbearable for him. No talking, no interacting, no meal cooking, no laundry, no sex. I heard that the greek women did this way back when to end a war their men were fighting. It might work. I hope it will. Also, flee to the safety of a nearby hotel and call him with the location when you're ready to show him his newborn child. Just like your obs that changed their tune at the last minutes, in the hopes that you would be unable or unwilling to do anything about it, He has obviously thrown down the gauntlet, and thinks you won't take up the challenge. Prove him wrong and reclaim your power!

Mom of three spunktastic kiddos, supported by super-partner while dabbling in midwifery and organic farming. Biting off more than I can chew since '03.
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#37 of 41 Old 10-05-2006, 12:14 AM
 
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wow...i am just amazed and so saddened to hear you are going through this.

i would definitely find a place to go other than being around your dh. i dont know about your other children, but hopefuly someone could take care of them. i woudl be so freaked out if my dh had suggested that. he sounds mean, uncaring and just downright controlling. I cant imagine you have had 5 children with this man and he's treating you like this. I am so sorry.

as for this..its just crazy! i am not a surviver of abuse as the OP, but how can anyone suggest that her fear of a man in her birthing area due to abuse issues is simply a "dislike of males..". I *dislike* males right now...the OP, OTOH, was ABUSED.

if everyone who attempted a VBAC heard stuff like below, there would be even fewer of them. I did the research, I contemplated the risks, and found that a VBAC was much lower risk than yet another c/s.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonnenwende View Post
Hmm, I think I can understand where your husband is coming from. Your birth is not low-risk. Though uncommon, you and your baby could be dead in the time it takes to get to the hospital if uterine rupture were to occur. I mean, we all know the risks are low, but still, the risk is still there despite that. I can see where he is coming from.

I am sure he is well aware of your dislike of male doctors and hospitals, but probably can't see how that overrides the risk of you and/or the baby possibly dying as low as that is.

I would say that in the end it is up to you regardless though. Good luck.
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#38 of 41 Old 10-05-2006, 02:24 PM
 
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i hope everything is going welll with you. s
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#39 of 41 Old 10-06-2006, 12:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stayathomecristi View Post
He keeps trying to nail me down as to WHEN we are going to the hospital (after all, he can't support me if the plan is to stay home : ). I just keep reiterating that I don't know if I can do what he's asking. First, I don't want to go at all and second, picking a "time" to go is pretty nebulous if you ask me. Birth can be unpredictable.
I think I would probably point out to him that all of man's attempts to control and manage birth is exactly why the US has such an abysmal perinatal mortality rate.

This isn't about his integrity. It's about control. It's about men feeling helpless, not liking that feeling, and trying to control the situation to alleviate that feeling. What they fail to realize is that they are making long-term sacrifices (in their relationships with their families, especially with wives who may not be able to reconcile what their husbands did) for short-term relief of that feeling.

(((hugs))) Hang in there mama, and find a way to protect your birth space from the negativity. A hotel, friend's house, pretending to be in prodromal labor when you know it's the real thing & sending him out on errands, etc. are definitely ideas to explore.
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#40 of 41 Old 10-06-2006, 04:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly View Post
I was thinking the same thing as Jyostna. Could you find a free-standing birthing center somewhere not too far away - Alexandria, VA might have one, and I'm pretty sure there's one in Maryland - where you could go to stay for awhile and give birth?

With his behavior, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me at this point.

Ugh--the one in Alexandria wouldn't take me b/c of my history of 3 sections. I tried early on with them. I've thought about going back to MA where all my support was last time, but it's really not realistic. What am I going to do with all my other kids? The boys are in school this year. It's too complicated.

I've thought about the farm--a lot, and have a connection there, but again logistically it's a nightmare and stressing me out thinking about it.

Dh hasn't mentioned CPS in several days and I've let sleeping dogs lie. I have told him how it's going to be and if he calls, he calls. I'm not going to allow myself to think about it unless he does it. My guess is that their case load is so large that they aren't going to waste time on me. By the time they actually come out, my guess is that the baby will be out. It's not illegal to homebirth in VA. I hope dh does the right thing, but if I feel insecure that he will, I'm just going to leave and go to a hotel or something. If I end up at the hospital against my will, I will tell them that he's not allowed in (thank you pp for that suggestion).

I'm really done worrying about all of this. I've had it and now have to concentrate on getting the babe out.

I can't tell each of you how much I really appreciate your support. I'll keep you posted when I can.
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#41 of 41 Old 10-08-2006, 03:27 PM
 
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I dont know about this, but it seems to me if he calls CPS and says the child is in immediate danger then they would send the cops...no? And I dont see a cop doing anything at all if you are clearly in labor in a state where hb is legal... CPS would be investigating later on, not at that exact moment..
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