I'm really running out of time and need to make some sort of a decision as soon as possible.
In a way, I'm sort of tempted by the idea of an elective c-section. I could have child care all planned out for my older children. My partner could book time off from work etc. I could make requests, like for them to pass the baby straight to me, to be able to cut the cord etc etc. I have terrible pelvis pain. Some days I can't get out of bed without help. It would be nice to have that over with (though having a baby is no guarentee that it will go away). I don't feel really hopeful about my chances of VBAC. I've had 3 c-sections, all in the 2nd stage, failed forceps in two of them, and bigger than average babies. Do I want to go through hours of labour only to end it all with surgery? Wouldn't it be easier if I had a good nights sleep so I was more able to cope with surgery and a newborn?
My main objection is - it HURTS! Its major surgery!!! People really don't take you all that seriously. You've only
had a c-section. People have them all the time! I'm sure everyone will be helpful for the first week or so, but then I'll just be dumped to look after 3 children, a newborn and a surgical incision. Having a newborn is hard enough as it is. Especially if you are struggling to get the hang of breastfeeding and suffering from lack of sleep. You really don't need to deal with the after effects of surgery.
I'm seriously worried about the impact on my long term health. Having surgery 4 times in the same place can't be good for you. I am VERY worried about the risk of complications, and the fact that having surgery increases my chances of death. I have 3 children already to care for. I can't really afford to do something that puts my life at risk. From the research I've done it looks as if I have a 0.9% chance of rupture (and it seems from what I've read rupture rarely = death for mother or baby like they'd have you believe) Scheduling surgery for something that has a 99.1% chance of NOT happening seems a bit over the top.
This will be my last baby. Can I live with the fact that I have never experienced birth, and that I didn't even TRY with my last baby? I feel defective. How can I get pregnant so easily but be unable to give birth? Is there something wrong with me? If I could have a VBAC then I think I would feel somewhat healed from those thoughts.
Also the idea of walking into a hospital, strolling down to the operating theatre, having a spinal block put in, then being presented with my baby really freaks me out. I just can't imagine that. Will my body actually notice I've given birth? I'm worried about the affects that would have on breastfeeding. Will it take longer for milk to come in? What happens to the baby? Surely labour kind of prepares them for the fact they are about to be born. I can't imagine peacefully sleeping and suddenly being yanked out into the world with no warning. (well, actually I can - when I was a teenager my mum used to barge into my room in the mornings, rip the curtains open and open the window and shout at me to wake up! Thats not the kind of welcome I want for my baby)
I'm really not sure what to do. I change my mind daily! When my pelvis is really bad and I'm crying in pain I think I just want to go into the hospital and have the baby taken out RIGHT NOW!!! Other times I feel totally relaxed, and I imagine myself having a UBAC! I'm not sure if I need to be putting effort into preparing for VBAC or making plans for how I will manage after surgery.
I'm about 99% certain I won't consent to an elective section. I'm kind of wavering on thinking about having an "in-labour" section. You know, where I'd call the hospital when I went into labour, and let them know I'm on my way, get there and go straight to theatre. That way I know my baby is ready to be born. And I get to bypass all the hours of pushing and the possible risk of brain damage to my baby when they decide to help out with forceps. On the other hand... if I go into labour, and everything is going fine, babies heart rate is good etc. why go for surgery when theres a chance I could avoid it? I could actually give birth! Again, it seems a bit over the top to do surgery "just in case". But what if I don't give birth and I end up with the hours of pushing and the attempted forceps delivery? What if, my worst nightmare comes true and they decide to give me an episiotomy. I REALLY don't want another part of my body mutilated.
Everyone else keeps asking me if I have my c-section scheduled yet. Or IRRITATING me with their comments about how I can't give birth. It really makes me want to go all out for a VBAC just so I can say "Ha, you were wrong!" But other peoples comments are not a reason to do or not do something. My mum was talking about it today, saying it really doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things. But it DOES matter. It really really DOES. She even had the cheek to say it wouldn't really matter much in the end if I didn't breastfeed. (had very bad problems with baby #3, where my nipples actualy went black and fell off! I tried pumping, but just couldn't keep it up. I don't feel guilty about it. Just sad. I feel that the c-section was partly to blame as I just couldn't get into a comfortable position to get a good latch and the antibiotics they gave me caused thrush) She said my little boy is perfectly fine and healthy even though he was formula fed, and that I was breastfed and I was the sickest baby around. And my brother has asthma, even though he was breastfed. But thats not the point. She just doesn't get it.
: (p.s - she wants to come with me to hospital. My partner wasn't too keen at one point and i asked her if she would come instead. Now she thinks she is invited - even though i have un-invited her. She really isn't supportive of me having a VBAC. She thinks she'll be there to acompany me into theatre. In fact she and my dad were convinced I was going to die, because it was SO DANGEROUS for me to be having another baby after all these c-sections.... yet they think the safest thing is having another one??? Just after I told them my dad went out and bought a 7 seater car so he could fit in all these children he was about to inherit. I told my partner that, thinking he'd find it amusing, but he started freaking out too
Ugh! I just don't know what to do!!! Add to that the fact I'm not actually booked at any hospital to give birth at. I haven't had any antenatal care at all this pregnancy. I'm in the process of filing a complaint against my GP and an obnoxious midwife, and trying to find a new GP practice. I'm not sure if i have time for all this!