I'm nervous about posting here because I'm not sure what I want yet. But I guess I just wanted to talk it out a bit.
I had 2 c sections. The first was very necessary. The second was a failed vbac with a great midwife. I worked hard for the vbac and was excited about it, was laboring in the water and had a great doula. After 16 hours of hard labor, I got out of the tub for my midwife to check me (she had mostly left me alone) and I was at 4 and then my waters broke and so much meconium was in them. My doula said it was really a lot and had rarely seen so much in her (long) experience. My midwife gently told me that it was my choice, but that she felt I still had a ways to go and the possibility of aspiration was very real at this point. She recommended a c-section. Since my sister's lungs had collapsed at birth due to mec aspiration, I agreed.
So now I'm pregnant and went back to this same midwife (who has a high vbac success rate) and I was trepidatious and unconfident in my ability to birth. And I asked her, am I a candidate for a vba2c and at first she said, well, not really. No successful vaginal births, 2 sections, and she remembered my last labor and said her gut instinct was that I have long difficult labors and big babies that have big heads (true enough, over 100th percentile heads actually) and I'm a petite person. She suggested a repeat section. I asked if I could go into labor naturally, and she said definitely, no fear of rupture, no problem laboring for a while first. I was sad, but also relieved that she agreed to labor starting naturally for tons of reasons.
So today I went to see her again, and we talked some more, and she said, look if you go into labor on your own, and get to the hospital making good progress, we'll deliver the baby. We'll see what happens. But let's plan on a repeat section, and if you have a vaginal delivery, terrific.
I just don't know how to feel about all this. I read this board and see people gung ho, like I was with my second birth, and I know that vba2c is not significantly more risky. I see people fighting and advocating for vaginal birth. And I believe in that so much. Somehow, when it comes to me, I feel so little confidence in my ability to give birth vaginally and so much fear about an emergency section -- by "planning" for one I feel like I'll have more control over what I want (which drugs, a pillow, not strapped down, etc..) and my midwife guaranteed that, barring an emergency, like the baby not breathing or something, I could hold my baby during repair and try to breastfeed then if baby feels like it. Somehow it feels better to not plan a vba2c with the possibility of "failure" and "emergency" again, but to plan for a successful c-section with the possibility of a vaginal birth.
But obviously, since I'm writing all this, part of me is just not at peace. How can you plan for a c-section. I am healthy and don't believe my scars put me at any significant risk. My midwife's "wait and see what happens" approach is both comforting (birth is unpredictable and mysterious) and also hard for me to wrap my head around. I *might* have a vba2c but I'm not preparing for one. Weird.
If anyone read all this, thanks for listening.
I had 2 c sections. The first was very necessary. The second was a failed vbac with a great midwife. I worked hard for the vbac and was excited about it, was laboring in the water and had a great doula. After 16 hours of hard labor, I got out of the tub for my midwife to check me (she had mostly left me alone) and I was at 4 and then my waters broke and so much meconium was in them. My doula said it was really a lot and had rarely seen so much in her (long) experience. My midwife gently told me that it was my choice, but that she felt I still had a ways to go and the possibility of aspiration was very real at this point. She recommended a c-section. Since my sister's lungs had collapsed at birth due to mec aspiration, I agreed.
So now I'm pregnant and went back to this same midwife (who has a high vbac success rate) and I was trepidatious and unconfident in my ability to birth. And I asked her, am I a candidate for a vba2c and at first she said, well, not really. No successful vaginal births, 2 sections, and she remembered my last labor and said her gut instinct was that I have long difficult labors and big babies that have big heads (true enough, over 100th percentile heads actually) and I'm a petite person. She suggested a repeat section. I asked if I could go into labor naturally, and she said definitely, no fear of rupture, no problem laboring for a while first. I was sad, but also relieved that she agreed to labor starting naturally for tons of reasons.
So today I went to see her again, and we talked some more, and she said, look if you go into labor on your own, and get to the hospital making good progress, we'll deliver the baby. We'll see what happens. But let's plan on a repeat section, and if you have a vaginal delivery, terrific.
I just don't know how to feel about all this. I read this board and see people gung ho, like I was with my second birth, and I know that vba2c is not significantly more risky. I see people fighting and advocating for vaginal birth. And I believe in that so much. Somehow, when it comes to me, I feel so little confidence in my ability to give birth vaginally and so much fear about an emergency section -- by "planning" for one I feel like I'll have more control over what I want (which drugs, a pillow, not strapped down, etc..) and my midwife guaranteed that, barring an emergency, like the baby not breathing or something, I could hold my baby during repair and try to breastfeed then if baby feels like it. Somehow it feels better to not plan a vba2c with the possibility of "failure" and "emergency" again, but to plan for a successful c-section with the possibility of a vaginal birth.
But obviously, since I'm writing all this, part of me is just not at peace. How can you plan for a c-section. I am healthy and don't believe my scars put me at any significant risk. My midwife's "wait and see what happens" approach is both comforting (birth is unpredictable and mysterious) and also hard for me to wrap my head around. I *might* have a vba2c but I'm not preparing for one. Weird.
If anyone read all this, thanks for listening.