Partner at Birth = Ruined Sex Life? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 04:47 PM
 
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My H was front and center for the birth and even saw extreme closeup shots after the fact and our sex life is not at all ruined. He does admit that he felt really helpless and bad for me seeing me in pain but there is no connection to seeing birth and our sex life. I agree that this would likely only apply to a man who was superficial. Most men end up having more respect and are in awe of their wives after seeing them give birth.

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#32 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 04:59 PM
 
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DH was so amazed by how hard I worked, and that I had an HBAC and birthed our big (10lb 6oz) baby girl drug free, that he's more turned on by me than ever!

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#33 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 08:58 PM
 
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This is a generational issue. Our parents were TOLD that a man should not watch his wife give birth. It has nothing to do with reality. Men who still believe that they shouldn't watch have ben brainwashed perhaps, or are just insecure/afraid (not always bad, but important to admit), but there is no biological reason why they can't "handle" the concept of watching women have a baby.

By the 60's (I think), men were beginning to acknowledge their wishes and be participants in birth, but the hospitals wanted total control - hence the protocol of husbands NOT being able to be there. Besides, the hospitals couldn't drug and tie down the women if their husbands were there.

DH told me recently that he is definitely more attracted to me because he sees me as strong as well as sexual.

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#34 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 09:49 PM
 
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not a problem here


dh watched me give birth 3 times. the 4th he missed the birth because it was so fast & he was in the waiting room with my girls waiting on my mom , but he saw me delivery the placenta
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#35 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 09:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kidspiration View Post
Birth has made us closer and more intimate. After watching me go through pregnancy and birth, dh thinks I'm hotter than ever.
Exactly.. Dh has been there for all 4 of our births and will be even more upclose and personal for this birth coming. It hasn't changed his view about me or my vagina and our sex life is awesome. He thinks there is nothing better then pregnancy and intimacy during that time.

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#36 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 09:58 PM
 
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Not true in our case at all. Definately brought us a lot closer. We are really good at dropping our roles as parents at the bedroom door though and just getting in touch with out primal selves.

I can see how it might change things if the man has some sort of barbie-doll complex when it comes to his partner or a madonna/whore complex- if she can't burp or fart in front of him without him getting grossed out or if she can't come to bed without make-up because he won't find her attractive, if he won't have sex with her while she's pregnant because of some sort of hang-up, then he probably won't do too well with watching the labor/birth process. But if you respect each other as people and he still thinks you are hot after watching you puke during the morning sickness phase, then everything will probably be fine sex-wise after watching the birth.

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#37 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 10:03 PM
 
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Heck no. DH was ready to jump me within 24 hours after having both babies
DP was the same way! What are they thinking? lol It must be something to do with the hormones released or something. I just had to say "umm did you see what just happened down there? no"

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#38 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 10:17 PM
 
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I just asked DH about this. "Were you weirded out by seeing me push out a baby? Sexually?"

He thought for a minute and went "nope!".

So, nope, no problems here. Actually I think I was more weirded out than he was... I mean, seriously, after I pushed out Morri, the LAST thing I wanted was something going back IN THERE.
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#39 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 10:22 PM
 
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We are closer after having shared the birth of our second child, who was born vaginally at home and Dh caught him--then we were after having our first child who was a c section...I am proud (and incredibly thankful!) that I gave birth to our second son 'the proper way' and that DH was there to experience it with me. :
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#40 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 11:19 PM
 
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Seeing the baby born/ catching her didn't phase dh in that way!
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#41 of 59 Old 12-28-2008, 11:31 PM
 
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Personally, in my own experience, I had a long, nasty, smelly, poopy labor that ended up in a c-section. My hubby saw everything, about as gross as it can get (and I'm a doula, so I have a bit of an idea how it usually is) - it definitely didn't affect how he felt about me sexually.
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#42 of 59 Old 12-29-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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Interesting Q.
Before I was exposed to birth, I thought it would be odd - after all, a baby is not a sexual thing, so if my DH has the image of a baby coming out of my vagina, will he be able to 'see' the vagina as a sexual thing again?

My DH has had NO problems WHATSOEVER! But... I will say... he has one of the most healthy attitudes toward sex of anyone I've ever met. He's just a laid-back guy. Comfortable with his own body & his sexuality. No hang-ups or shyness about what he likes, just a great healthy attitude.

Incidentally, I attribute part of this healthy attitude towards sex to my MIL. DH went to catholic schools & the nuns actually told the kids they'd go to hell for masturbating. I think this is an extremely DAMAGING thing to teach a child & can only lead to all sorts of hang-ups about sexuality & your own body. But my MIL, cool lady that she is, made a point of telling him, "Don't listen to the nuns. It's ok, it's not a sin."

DH wasn't immediately interested in 'catching' DS, but as we took Bradley training, got more educated, watched other birth videos, he became much more interested in doing so. And, after the head was out & my MW unwound the cord, DS did grab DS & put him on my chest.

Anyway, I will say though that it has been a bit weird for DH to see my BFing... particularly since I'm small-breasted & the bigger-boobs from BFing are sexy to him.. but, of course, seeing the baby latched on is NOT a sexy thing, so that's been a little weird, but just a little. Not a big deal.
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#43 of 59 Old 12-29-2008, 04:59 PM
 
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It didn't affect dh at all, although he hasn't caught a baby-he's always peeking down there to check the progress during the pushing! Last time he even got splashed all over by the amniotic fluid when ds popped out, he still laughs about it and told me to make sure to pack a few extra sets of clothes for him in case it happens again.
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#44 of 59 Old 12-29-2008, 05:03 PM
 
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One of dh's old friends very candidly told dh that him and his wife didn't have sex for over a year after he saw his wife have his child. I think this guy had some other issues, but it still made us worry a bit I think a mature man who is prepared and understands the process will do just fine.

Still, it was less than 10 days postpartum for us to dtd. I don't think he was bothered
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#45 of 59 Old 12-30-2008, 04:10 PM
 
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This has not been an issue for us at all. Before #1 was born, dh wasn't certain if he wanted to watch the baby being born or not (though he definitely wanted to be in the room). In the end, he did watch, and it was a transformative experience for him. He spoke about it with awe later, saying over and over again "I saw your mama give birth to you" or something similar. And what he said to me was: "One moment there was one person I loved, and the next moment, there were two." STILL makes me tear up just thinking about it.

We have had absolutely zero sexual issues related to dh watching the birth. He's made it clear he found it to be an amazing experience, a moment of unrivaled bonding, and not at all causing any inhibitions sexually (I can vouch for that personally ).

Overall, I'd say dh is a very well-adjusted, sexually uninhibited, happy, mature and secure person. Maybe that has something to do with it.
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#46 of 59 Old 12-30-2008, 08:58 PM
 
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you know, I really think it's a personal call. I do. It hasn't effected us. we're on #3 and now I think it will make it even better. but that said I've had a few clients who even though theyw ere VERY supportive husbands and REALLY totally there for their wives were so worried about everything they requested not to see direct on, ut from above (the mother's view). and you know? I respected their feelings totally. their wives did too, and it didn't seem to make him feel weird towards her or vice versa (you can tell a LOT abotu a couple in how they birth)

we're UCing... and I would ONLY do so if my husband were totally on board, but no matter how much it might bother me that he was worried about it, I'd prefer he be upfront with me then try to hide it and let it ruin our intimacy and not even know why. HONESTY is the best policy in this issue I believe. I woudl work with my husand to find a way to make him comfortable and find way to make my needs be met. at our first birth he was MUCH more reserved... but hospital settings tend to do that. plus we were young and knew nothing about birth.

I just say talk openly and honestly and gently. if he has reservation then work with him. having reservations doesn't make him an immature jerk. but a wife throwing it back in her husband's face would make her immature. Is it "right" to have reservations? not really... in the big sense. but sadly it is hard to throw off those feelings we were raised with. it takes time. it takes practice and much patience with yourself and your partener to work through it.

when I first got pregnant I thought breastfeeding was disgusting!! My mom never did it. I thought it was so gross! only person in my family was me super weird aunt who breastfed. I only knew two people who did it and I thought it was creepy. I thought it would be like a very sexual thing with my child and just ewww. BUT people can change! by the time my son was born I was a breastfeeding mama =) it just took some work and re-framing. now? well I'm UCing with this one.... so obviously breastfeeding is just run of the mill kinda thing. it's so beyond natural I don't even think twice about it. a person can come far! to go from "ewww gross!' to breastfeeding long term heh. it happens.

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#47 of 59 Old 12-31-2008, 10:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kidspiration View Post
Birth has made us closer and more intimate. After watching me go through pregnancy and birth, dh thinks I'm hotter than ever.
: You would think nature would design it so that men find pregnancy and birth to be attractive aspects of a woman. My husband thinks my body is even more of a temple now .

+ = and .
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#48 of 59 Old 12-31-2008, 10:50 AM
 
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you know, I really think it's a personal call. I do. It hasn't effected us. we're on #3 and now I think it will make it even better. but that said I've had a few clients who even though theyw ere VERY supportive husbands and REALLY totally there for their wives were so worried about everything they requested not to see direct on, ut from above (the mother's view). and you know? I respected their feelings totally. their wives did too, and it didn't seem to make him feel weird towards her or vice versa (you can tell a LOT abotu a couple in how they birth)

we're UCing... and I would ONLY do so if my husband were totally on board, but no matter how much it might bother me that he was worried about it, I'd prefer he be upfront with me then try to hide it and let it ruin our intimacy and not even know why. HONESTY is the best policy in this issue I believe. I woudl work with my husand to find a way to make him comfortable and find way to make my needs be met. at our first birth he was MUCH more reserved... but hospital settings tend to do that. plus we were young and knew nothing about birth.
:

I've never had a partner with me when I birthed (long, irrelevant stories ), but my sense of things is just that I would be very cautious to listen to what the father is saying about his own comfort level -- to not pressure him to see or do something he's uncomfortable with because a "mature man" would do it. Not out of some fear of a ruined sex life specifically, but just out of not wanting that kind of dynamic between us in general.
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#49 of 59 Old 12-31-2008, 10:50 PM
 
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No, in fact our sex life was better after our dd was born. If he had issues about watching his wife give birth to his child, I'd send him to a psychologist or something to get over it. He is squeamish about blood and what-not but that didn't change his interest in me at all. Personally, it would bother me if my husband didn't want to be there, when I need his support more than about any other time I can think of, because he might not be able to handle it. The fact that the baby isn't coming out of his body doesn't make his presence optional, for me.
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#50 of 59 Old 01-01-2009, 01:09 AM
 
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I asked my husband about this and he says any man who gets turned off by his wife sexually just because of seeing birth is simply immature and have weird views about sex. Plus, I think he just likes sex enough that there are very few things he could see me do that would make him not want it afterward.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#51 of 59 Old 01-01-2009, 01:26 AM
 
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another no- 4 babies/shared births

but with my first my OB had to have a serious talk with DH because he was concerned that it could cause him to be impotent if he were to see me give birth-- the doc was very convinced of this and said that he (a father of 4 at the time) would NEVER see his wife give birth- because it would change their sex lives.... so I guess it can happen--
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#52 of 59 Old 01-01-2009, 01:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by OceansEve View Post
Heck no. DH was ready to jump me within 24 hours after having both babies
A whole 24?! Wow!


Seriosuly though... DH has caught both girls and will catch this one too. For him it's a HUGE thing and he jsut totally gets it. It's that whole "we created this! THIS amazing miracle" thing and that just flat does it for him and I for one am thrilled.::::::

Though admitedly it doesn't hurt that he's taught human anatomy and physiology so her totally gets how the body does this amazing thing we call birth.
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#53 of 59 Old 01-01-2009, 01:16 PM
 
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: You would think nature would design it so that men find pregnancy and birth to be attractive aspects of a woman. My husband thinks my body is even more of a temple now :d.
this! Exactly!!!!!!!
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#54 of 59 Old 01-01-2009, 01:39 PM
 
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Psychiatrists have a name for this, but I doubt most men have that problem.

The penis has more than one function, and most women do not have a problem with that.
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#55 of 59 Old 01-02-2009, 11:15 AM
 
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Depending on your DH's age, your FIL may not have even been allowed in the room when your DH was born. My dad didn't get to see the first two of his babies born, because the hospital didn't allow it. That was in 1970 and 1972. When I came along in 1977, they allowed him in the room. He really enjoyed the experience, especially upsetting the nurses when he said the baby warmer looked like a McDonald's french fry machine. (apparently, those particular nurses didn't have a sense of humor)

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#56 of 59 Old 01-02-2009, 11:18 AM
 
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Depending on your DH's age, your FIL may not have even been allowed in the room when your DH was born. My dad didn't get to see the first two of his babies born, because the hospital didn't allow it. That was in 1970 and 1972. When I came along in 1977, they allowed him in the room. He really enjoyed the experience, especially upsetting the nurses when he said the baby warmer looked like a McDonald's french fry machine. (apparently, those particular nurses didn't have a sense of humor)
hahaha well they do look rather ridiculous! just think... a whole big fat electric bed/machine just to warm one little baby..... funny how much very expensive equipment it takes to replace a little skin to skin contact!

transtichel.gifMom of three - (2.5 yrs, 7yrs, and 11yrs). Birthing Doula, editor, and wife to my soulmate. I've had a c/s, hospital VBAC, UC and not yet decided what I'll do about this next little one

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#57 of 59 Old 01-04-2009, 02:14 PM
 
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It didnt effect our sex life and dh was not grossed out. In fact, when the placenta and all that came out into the pan, my dh laughed and exclaimed to the dr "Turkey giblets!"
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#58 of 59 Old 01-04-2009, 02:21 PM
 
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I wish Michel Odent could see this thread.

It's a real phenomenon, but it's a cultural, generational, situational, and/or maturity thing, and not something that's hard-wired into us.

In our case, my husband had the madonna/whore complex going on for a while, and my first birth was traumatic for him and my second was unpleasant, and I suffered postpartum depression after both. We were also a new-ish couple, having gotten pregnant only four months after we first got together, which didn't make all the rest any easier to deal with. All that can't help but affect a relationship. There are a multitude of factors that can be blamed, and I'd guess that seeing the vagina stretch to let a baby come out is probably, for most people, not the real issue.

My two UCs on the other hand were very positive experiences for my husband. He wasn't afraid, and he felt like it was something that belonged to him too, rather than just being a spectator. He hadn't been able to get inside it with me with someone watching before. They were positive experiences for me too, especially my last which was absolutely undisturbed. Again, such things can't help but affect a relationship.

However, even taking the difficulties of my first births into consideration, we've never been even close to being "ruined" sexually. Today, nearly twelve years after the birth of my first child, our sexual life is better than ever and greatly satisfying for both of us.
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#59 of 59 Old 01-07-2009, 02:07 AM
 
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Nope not at all. My husband watched it all, he was amazed. Our bond is even closer now.
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