Dumb question - DH looking down there during birth? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: What are your opinions on DH acutally seeing the baby coming out?
Dh looked and it ruined our sex life 4 2.21%
DH looked and it didn't ruin our sex life 156 86.19%
DH never looked and I like it that way 11 6.08%
We never discussed it. 10 5.52%
Voters: 181. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok.. so this might be a RIDICULOUS question to some. But I'm just curious.

Does anyone decide before hand that DH shouldn't look down there when the baby was coming out? Did anyone regret him looking down there?

I'm asking cuz I recall watching Oprah some weeks ago where a dh said he regretted it... because it hurt there sex life after the birth.

What are your opinions on DH acutally seeing the baby coming ou

tia

EDD 12/15/09, first time mama
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#2 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:25 PM
 
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My DH watched, he was FASCINATED. As was I, because lets face it, it is pretty awesome to see life emerge! He was a little traumatized by the episiotomy, but more because of the sound and not the sight. I guess it just depends on the person, but it didn't at all affect our sex life at all...as you can tell.

Mama to a sweet baby boy (01/18/08), wife to a sweet and loving husband, blogger:, swimmer:, reader of all things and future IBCLC. Waiting zenfully for my spirit baby to return!
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#3 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:29 PM
 
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My DH watched, he was FASCINATED. As was I, because lets face it, it is pretty awesome to see life emerge!
:

Watching me breastfeed our kids has also not ruined our sex life.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#4 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:29 PM
 
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DS1 was 3 when DH and I met so that birth was not an issue.

DS2 was born in our hotub in the middle of the night so although DH caught the baby he never got a look at him crowning or emerging.

DD was a very fast and sudden birth while I was standing in the hospital room and she emerged before DH even realized what was going on.

So DH has never seen the actual crowning or birth of one of our children and we are both pretty happy with that.
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#5 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:38 PM
 
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"Parents" Magazine (piece of crap by the way - I'm glad I didn't pay for it - got it free with my Boppy pillow) had a piece recently where a Dad said he felt odd about it. Like 'betrayed' by the vagina.

Personally, DH not only "looked" but CAUGHT DS! While we wanted to play it safe & wait for "clearance" from my MW to have intercourse, he said the very day after we got home from the hospital, "So, uh, when do you think we can resume BJs?" It did NO damage to how hot he is for me.

As I've said on this issue before, the penis has other purposes. Knowing DH urinates with it doesn't turn me off. My hands have MANY purposes, but seeing me change a poopy diaper doensn't make DH not want me to touch him sexually.

This whole concept kinda ticks me off - I think it's just one more example of how messed up our society is with regards to birth, sexuality, BFing, etc. I think if Americans were raised to view birth as normal & natural, this issue wouldn't even come up.
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#6 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:42 PM
 
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DH definitely watched each of our three children be born, crown, everything, and helped catch a couple of them. It has only made him respect and love me even more. This last time I didn't tear so we resumed DTD just 10 days postpartum. We both had a hard time waiting that long. He is so in awe of what my body can do.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#7 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:45 PM
 
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This subject bothers me also. Heaven forbid that a man realize that a vagina has other uses than pleasing him.

I can get that some men just might be totally freaked out at the sight of a huge ol' head bursting through their wife's girly bits, and that it might take them a while to shake that memory whenever they look at it from then on. I can see how that might be a buzzkill - gettin' busy in the bedroom, and then WHAM! The mental image of a big bloody head cruising on out. Yikes.

But in all seriousness, if that man is REALLY a man, he can get past that and recognize his wife for who she is: an amazing woman capable not only of being a foxy sex kitten, but a giver and sustainer of life. The two are not exclusive, and in fact, I think they can complement and enhance each other!
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#8 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:46 PM
 
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DH actually helped with delivery with my first and watched my second be born, it hasn't affected our sex life negatively at all.

I'm a modifiedartist.gif DH is a reading.gif we have 2 angel.gifs, and DS is a rainbow1284.gif baby.gif
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#9 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:47 PM
 
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Before I had DD, DH had told me that he did not want to look "down there" while she was being born. As a matter of fact, he didn't even want to be in the room! So, our compromise was that he was just going to sit up by my head and be supportive. I even told my MW that I didn't want a mirror because of DH. Well, when the big day finally arrived DH was completely fascinated by what was going on down there. He touched our DD's head when it was crowning and everything (I was so proud!). I was a bit mad afterward that I didn't have a mirror because I would have liked to see what was going on, too :

It had absolutely no effect on our sex life. He's just as hot for me now as he ever was!

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#10 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MegBoz View Post
"

This whole concept kinda ticks me off - I think it's just one more example of how messed up our society is with regards to birth, sexuality, BFing, etc. I think if Americans were raised to view birth as normal & natural, this issue wouldn't even come up.
I feel the same way. And its funny cuz, I'm not American and DH is. And he is totally squirmish about the whole thing. I've taken to watching birthing videos while he's in the room to sort of shock him into the realities and amazing-ness of it all. I dunno if it's working.

I don't want to be antagonistic about it to him bc I want to respect where he is. I think I need to find some common ground in my own mind so that I am not annoyed by his sensitivites when the time comes.

I think he's just a product of his culture bc my brothers who weren't raised in America either dont feel that way. I dunno.

EDD 12/15/09, first time mama
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#11 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:54 PM
 
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Dh looked and has not ruined our sex life in the least. Obviously if we are on #8 lol

Expecting #9.  Always busy hsing.
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#12 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:56 PM
 
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We had a surprise unassisted birth and dh caught dd. I actually pooped on his hand while I was pushing her out.

2 days later he was horny and trying to convince me to dtd LMAO

Rachel, mom to Jake (5/04) and Alexia (7/07) a surprise UC thanks to hypnobabies!
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#13 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by preciousstone View Post
I don't want to be antagonistic about it to him bc I want to respect where he is.
Yes, I'm a lucky lady that my DH had no hang-ups. If he did, I know I would have worked to be sensitive to it - because dismissing his feelings (i.e. "You SHOULD not have hang-ups! I don't care/get over it.") would certainly only make matters worse.

How far along are you? He may come around. My DH didn't have hang-ups to begin with. But I think he just didn't put much thought into it. As I approached the 3rd trimester & we started our Bradley class, he actually was looking at natural birth videos on youtube without me & said he got teary eyed! & he's one of the most non-emotional people I know!

So I hope that you have a similar experience. As the reality of working as a team to birth your baby comes closer, I hope he is just as excited, fascinated, and in awe of the amazing experience and realizes that it is a separate & distinct event from intercourse.
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#14 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 01:57 PM
 
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dh wouldn't have been looking anywhere else during dd's birth! when she was crowning he told me i was stretching perfectly and he was telling me she had a lot of hair. he also caught her (basically had to nudge the midwife out of the way to do so, but, yeah). if it were up to him we would have made love the next day after i gave birth! he expressed how much more he loved my body after he saw me give birth and nurse our dd.

every man is different, but (through observation) i'd say most of them don't have the hangups about seeing thier partner give birth. even though we tend to hear about those instances more than the men who are not affected, i think that the men who have the problems are the minority. i tend to think if that wan't the case there'd be a lot more families with only one child, or a lot more men who are reluctant to conceive b/c of how bad they hear birth is from their friends. of course i do not have any scientific fact to back this...'tis just mho
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#15 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 02:00 PM
 
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My dh watched and our sex life is great.
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#16 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 02:29 PM
 
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My DH watched and said it was just amazing, fascinating, incredible. I don't find those words un-sexy, you know? I think for us, it's more integrated. Sex, baby making, breastfeeding, etc., - it's all LIFE giving and life is sexy.

Now, sleep deprivation. That's a buzzkill.
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#17 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 03:01 PM
 
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I saw that Oprah and frankly I think that guy was full of ****. I was really mad that the therapist validated his excuse on top of it. Seriously, I'm pretty confident that that guy was simply lazy. Look at how well he performed his "homework". He didn't care. He doesn't want to change. He can claim childbirth freaked him out and he's good. Why go to the extra effort to give his wife what she wanted when she was giving him what he wanted and expecting nothing in return? I'd venture most of us know guys like that. Sure, childbirth may have freaked him out a little (and if he's generally selfish in bed anyway then finding out that her vagina had more than one purpose was probably tough) but any mature man would be able to get over that. I think society is way too quick to validate laziness in men.

ETA: I forgot to answer the original question . DH watched and he's still able to make me happy just as he always did.

ETA: So I just totally messed up the poll and accidentally voted that it ruined our sex life...it didn't of course! Sorry about that! Apparently I can't read today.

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#18 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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My husband watched and in no way did it affect our sex life.

He did think it was pretty crazy to see our son's head looking around before the rest of his body came out. I think he was more grossed out by the placenta. Seeing everything had no affect on our sex life.

Honestly I feel a little weird about guys that aren't sexually attracted to their partner after watching a birth. I don't understand what they expect

Melissa- mom to a boy 9/06 and a new boy 11/10 and married to my best friend 7/02
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#19 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 03:25 PM
 
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my husband watched the last 3 (he was not there for the first, long story) and there has been no change whatsoever, except he seems to respect more than ever.
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#20 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 03:29 PM
 
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My DH said he would *NOT* be looking. Like, he very adamantly had decided against it before the birth. But when I was in labor he decided to look and just thought it was so amazing and cool. And it did not affect our sex life whatsoever. It was such a bonding experience though for him to be there with me in labor, so if anything it had a positive effect
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#21 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 03:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MegBoz View Post
"Parents" Magazine (piece of crap by the way - I'm glad I didn't pay for it - got it free with my Boppy pillow) had a piece recently where a Dad said he felt odd about it. Like 'betrayed' by the vagina.
I my suspect hearing that sentiment from dh would mess up our sex life more than dh watching a baby come out of my vagina ever could. If he's feeling betrayed by my vagina doing something I've wanted it to do since I was 18, our marriage is in big trouble.

I can't answer the poll, as a baby's never come out of my vagina. I will say that dh watching a baby being pulled out of a gory gash in my belly, and looking after said gash (infected) while we cared for a newborn didn't hurt out sex life. I think we'd have been fine, honestly. I know one couple where the husband avoided looking with their first, because he thought it might affect their sex life...but he didn't worry about it with their second or third, and their sex life has always been good.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#22 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 03:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Girlprof View Post
Now, sleep deprivation. That's a buzzkill.
:

And, again... :

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#23 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 04:26 PM
 
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I put that DH looked, but when you're squatting, there's really not a whole lot to see... He would have had to lie down on the floor to get a really good view.
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#24 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 04:27 PM
 
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My DH even watched the stitches during my 1st birth. Birth was very bonding for us. I would think there may be some kind of emotional issue if birth ruins a couple's sex life.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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#25 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 04:28 PM
 
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DH said he wasnt going to because all of his stupid buddies told him that it would ruin out sex life, BUT when it came down to the time, he sis look and he wasnt paying any attention to my vagina, all he cared about was seeing our daughter through his teas of excitement and joy.

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#26 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 04:30 PM
 
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I told DH when I was pregnant that I didn't even want to look. I have this thing with blood & such, I pass out pretty often, so I wasn't going to risk a panic or feeling lightheaded, so even me not looking had nothing to do with my vagina or anything sexual, I just didn't know how I'd react & wanted to avoid any issues. I told him he totally could but I wouldn't be responsible for anything he saw. It was kinda a running joke between us. He watched. He was horrorfied once the baby actually came out (very very very cone head, DH said he kept waiting to see ears or eyes, but he just kept seeing more & more forehead come out, which was weird to him), but it didn't do anything bad for our sex life. Honestly, we were having sex about 3 weeks later. I don't think he saw the placenta actually come out, he was looking at the baby at the baby in the warmer thing when the doctor announced it was out so I'm not 100% sure, but he did see it afterwards in a bowl & commented later he wished he'd got to touch it. Not really what I expected, though I'm not sure what I really expected from him when I think about it.

But anyway, it didn't effect anything for us in a bad way at all.
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#27 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 04:42 PM
 
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My dh watched and there was absolutely no damage to our sex life. This subject really gets me going. I hate the idea that there's this attitude that there's something gross or wrong with birth. I personally think that birth (any kind of birth) is beautiful. If my dh was saying that he couldn't look because it might gross him out or that my vagina had betrayed him... All I know is that it would be really hard for me to get over that. THAT would effect our sex life for sure.

I can understand being uncomfortable about blood. I know a couple of people who have almost a phobia (not totally but close) about seeing blood. That would be the only thing that I could be sympathetic about. As far as seeing a baby come out of a vagina, nope, can't understand how that would ruin a man. :
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#28 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 04:59 PM
 
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I voted we never really discussed it....As far as I can remember he stayed by my head with all 3 births but during pushing i kind of turn into myself and have no idea what it going on around me. But I did ask him once about it and he said it only brought him closer to me and made him love me even more.

The only thing that is killing our sex life now is sleep deprivation and 3 kids, 4 yrs. old and under!
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#29 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 05:03 PM
 
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Well I had 3 CS and hubby watched everything except them actually cutting me open. This is a man that passed out from a splinter in his finger. Now he is totally fascinated. He was like "That is so cool!"

Anne, Mama to Conner 2/27/04 blahblah.gif  Gabrielle 2/6/06 W/LMC-TCS, Neurogenic Bladder, AFO & KAFO wearer, Neurogenic Bowel energy.gif & Delaney 5/12/08 mischievous.gif &  Beethoven cat.gif& Gizmo cat.gif

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#30 of 82 Old 03-04-2009, 05:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shelsi View Post
We had a surprise unassisted birth and dh caught dd. I actually pooped on his hand while I was pushing her out.
This was totally us, poop and all

Grace - photographer, wife and mom to 4 great kids (Ethan 5.00, Ainsley 4.02, Owen 12.04, and Ellis Ann 10.07) :
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