|Originally posted by its_our_family
I am so completely confused right now. I know if i don't try and vbac I'll never let myself go of it. I'll always be thinking...what if. I feel like I was cheated out of so much with Tracy and I want something better than I had with his delivery. I know I need to listen to my body when the time comes but right now I can't stop listening to my heart. My mind is saying screw-it and plan the c/b. The rest of me is aching for the birth exp I didn't have.
I don't know what to do. I haven't really "prepared" for a vbac. I can't get up the energy or desire to look at any books or do anymore research (I haven't done that much anyway). I don't know why I jsut cannot get into this.
I have been there and done that and now have the t-shirt.
I am going to be really honest, please no throwing eggs.
I still fantisize about my ideal birth. I sometimes wonder if I get pregnant again, if I have another baby, the next time I might just....... I know it is not going to happen for me -- not just physically but spiritually. I have had to come to terms with my cesarean births on a spiritual level that is so hard to describe and I know that with Jack in my mind and in my heart that planning and having a repeat c/b was the best decision for myself and my baby.
I know there are women who just plan repeat csections and go with the flow of things, but I know so many more women now, that know the risks of csections, and make a choice to repeat that method of birth over a VBAC for so many reasons -medical, emotional, etc. The thing is IOF, you need to make this decision for you. Why haven't you prepared for a VBAC? Is there something in you telling you something different? Is there any fears or concerns holding you back? You say in your mind you want to do one thing, your heart another but what does you intuition and gut say to you.
My aunt, bless her soul, gave me some sound advice. Go with your gut -- it is rarely wrong. The day I went into the hospital to have a planned cesarean with my daughter I chickened out. I was afraid of everything I read (silent knife for one), I was afraid of the OR, I was afraid I would die and I went against my inner voice that said "this is okay, you can have a csection" and said "hell no, lets do this and that and see if I can have that vaginal birth" Some may say I was resolved but I wasnt, my gut said to do the csection, my heart said vaginal and I denied my gut and it cost me big.
I planned, I made peace, I meditated, I prepared myself in every way for a repeat csection. I felt at peace about this decision. Not to say I wouldn't have loved to VBAC but my planned, thought out cbirth brought me peace and I felt very capable of handling anything. And I did. It was a great experience, a wonderful delivery, a wonderful baby moon -- and I felt very good about my decision with no regrets.